Breathe. She needed to breathe.

Okay, this was new. She was mentally referring to herself as “she” now. It felt… okay?

No, she felt a slight smile on her face, despite herself. Despite… everything. “She” was more than okay.

Her grimace soon returned. Why hadn’t anyone told her? Why was it that “she” suddenly felt like the more correct word to use in reference to herself? What had changed? First she was a boy, and that was fine, but now she… she

…what even was she now, anyway…?

…with no answer forthcoming, she turned her attention back to the past. She was a boy. She was a boy. That much felt accurate, at least, but she couldn’t help but notice the past tense she’d used there. Something had changed, then.

Breathe.

…so, could she have been affected by magic, then…? …no, she couldn’t really work out a means, motive, and opportunity for anyone to make her react like this, even using the strongest spells she knew of in what must have been her least guarded moments. The whirlwind of thoughts being thrown around in her head seemed to also preclude the possibility of suggestion or trance…

…honestly, it was giving her kind of a headache, which in and of itself seemed to indicate that she was acting as she normally would under the circumstances. Which, what? What part of this, exactly, was normal? Boys don’t normally go by “she,” although, that was just it, she remembered; she wasn’t a boy anymore.

Ugh, her head. Gods, her lungs hurt, too.

Breathe. Damn it, why did she keep forgetting to breathe?

Oh, she wasn’t forgetting; she was just out of breath. She needed to stop - stop? - and that was better and why did her legs hurt?

She looked down at herself, confused, then around at her surroundings. How long had she been running? Why had…?

Oh, right. It was another one of those uncomfortable conversations.

Her… what were they to her, those guys at the bar? Certainly not friends. Acquaintances, perhaps, at best… or, just maybe… her acquaintances had been needling her about something, teasing her, trying to rile her up - and, like always, she gave at least as good as she got. It would take more than a little gentle ribbing to shake her boundless confidence, she had thought.

Although, this time was different, as she recalled. They’d been asking questions. The guys almost sounded concerned, though she knew from experience that they were just fishing for something they could use to torment her later - not that she held that against them. She’d have done the same, wouldn’t she? She was one of the guys, after all - that’s how this worked.

…one of the guys, huh…?

She was walking, now, and breathing somewhat regularly for a change. Good. That hadn’t been what had pissed her off.

Her teeth reflexively clenched as she considered what had come after. The conversation had turned to her personal life, somehow, which… well, what was there for her to say? Her parents were… people. Her brothers were… younger. Than her. Her home life was… okay. Even minutes - hours? - after the fact, she couldn’t remember what exact words were spoken - just her confusion that the guys could even find enough there to talk about.

Some of them were a little older than she was - at first, they’d kind of treated her as the baby of the group, though she didn’t seem to keep that sort of reputation for long. A lot of her attributes were still a bit boyish, she wouldn’t deny that, but it seemed that the guys had been coming to terms with how she’d grown (into…?).

Certainly so during that conversation. The guys were well past the point of saying things like “we’ll tell you when you’re older” by then. No, they were looking at the future in a different light altogether, asking her about her plans now that she was (what?)…

As all this personal talk had grown ever more uncomfortable, one of the men (!) had put a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it playfully as he was about to say something she’s sure he must have thought was funny. She remembered lashing out. The guys had asked what the problem was. She had told them to mind their own business as she swatted that damn graspy hand all the way off her shoulder.

…the guy whose hand it was had said, “Look, man-” (!!!)

…oh. She was already more than halfway to the next town, lost in thought as she walked, only just now having realized she was crying.

In response to this, the last straw, she had screamed “I’m not a man!

And then she had run off before any of those guys could say another word.

There she went, and here she was, and not, to her astonishment, a liar. Whatever it was she’d grown up to be - and, she realized bitterly, she had grown up - it was indeed not a man.

Her heart would brook no argument on that; if she had tried any harder to contest the point, she would threaten to send it thumping out of her chest, it was racing so hard already.

Just… why hadn’t anyone told her? Someone should have told her that being a boy was one thing and being… being… that was another; in childhood, she’d… …he’d…? …she’d kind of assumed boys and men were different words for the exact same thing.

That difference, she supposed, was all too real now - and likely the reason she now considered herself “she.” She had been one and could never be the other, and not even for any lack of ability on her part. Neither was it a lack of social pressure; in fact, if people were to look at her now, they’d not only expect, but… see

…they had to see something else, she decided, as soon as possible. They were going to have to change their expectations, too, or shove them.

Whatever had changed in her before may have escaped her notice as it happened - indeed, she wasn’t certain anything inwardly had - but she’d go through her next change with both eyes open. No more getting caught off guard, least of all by something people had been telling her they wanted from her from the very start.

She took a breath in, and exhaled. Admittedly, she wasn’t sure what exactly this would mean for her, and had only a vague impression of what this made her, but she’d figure it out.

She just had to take it one day at a time.

This was only the first day of the rest of her life.

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Pub: 26 Apr 2024 08:18 UTC
Views: 249