Don Garbodor
I own a small family business dealing with waste management.
Meeting the Parents
Nervous doesn’t even begin to describe your state right now
As you make the turn off the paved road and onto a well worn dirt trail, you look over at your darling
As beautiful and supportive as ever, but her smile can’t quell your anxiety this time
”You’ll get along great with daddy. He’s a businessman and very professional. Nothing is going to happen, he’s looking forward to meeting you!”
Who ever came up with the phrase “butterflies in your stomach”?
Thats far too petite a description for the feeling you’re about to get whacked by the mob boss father of your girlfriend
Professional Businessman working in Waste Management with an unusually wealthy family?
And you’re meeting him at his office after hours at the landfill he manages?
You’re in over your head!
You’re going to end up with concrete shoes taking a long walk off a short pier!
You’re going to be wearing a Colombian Necktie assuming they ever find the body!
Ahem! You’re going to kindly thank the security guard that let you through the gate to the main building.
After signing in and getting the visitor badges, you’re lead through a series of winding hallways until you’ve arrived at the double doors to his office
”Hey, I did tell you he’s caught that Pokémon flu going around right? Trust me, he’s doing fine though. In fact, it’s made him the happiest I’ve seen him since mom passed!”
He’s WHAT? How does this crazy bitch NOT mention that earlier?
You saw the news and even played the first game as a kid.
You knew what this all meant.
You’re about to be mauled to death and eaten by some delusional Persian that used to be a real life Giovanni.
Hope those nights with the love of your life were worth it.
“No, Olivia, I don’t think you mentioned it.”
Time to face the music and prepare to die in some ornate Godfather office and never be heard from again
The stench hit your before anything else
Yep, that was garbage alright.
Smelly and disgusting as ever
Absolutely eye watering
You were outside beneath a large awning with a misting system attached
The covered area was right next to the heaps of garbage that made up the landfill
Everything from furniture to appliances was piled up all around
There was a large ornate desk off to one side that had clearly seen better days
It was covered in gouges and splintering in a few areas, all with a suspicious colored mud layered on top
There was a similarly ruined tufted leather executive chair sitting behind it turned the wrong way around
On top of the desk was the crustiest, most yellowed CRT monitor you’d ever seen, as if it lived its life displaying solitaire for a chain smoking receptionist
Off to one side, a floor lamp straight out of the 70s
The whole thing felt like a dumpster diving child was playing dollhouse with trash and trying to make their idea of a fancy office
”DADDY! Me and Anon are here!””Be right there! Hit the showers will ya? It’s probably a bit ripe for our guest here.”
A gravelly voice called out clearly but from no where in particular, as if it emanated from everywhere at once
Your gf hit a comically large industrial red button next to the light switch and the misters overhead sprung to life
The entire covered area, including both of you, was doused with some chemical”I’m so happy to finally meet you Anon! My little princess here talks all about you.”
The voice was louder this time but still impossible to place
Suddenly, the chair lurched back as if someone flopped onto it before rotating around into place
”Someone” had jumped onto it, but it wasn’t a personk
It was a mound of filth capped with the plastic from a trash bag, with two far too human eyes and a far too inhuman mouth underneath”How are you doing baby? Come give daddy a hug!”
Your gf walked over to the heap and gingerly wrapped an arm around it in a side hug before placing a kiss on the plastic.
”So you must be Anon. What do you think of my deodorizing system? Pretty sweet huh? Completely non-toxic! Oh what am I doing? Let me get you guys something to sit on. Just a moment.”
The pile raised a grotesque claw made out of mufflers and cans that give the illusion of fingers
As if controlling the refuse like a god commanding the waves, a lightly torn sofa rose up out of the piles of garbage and slid down the pile until it came to rest in front of the desk
A coffee table with a fractured glass top followed after and settled in exactly the spot you would expect”Don’t worry, all my private selections may look worse for wear, but they’re perfectly safe and clean. Trust me, I know my pieces of trash. I guess it takes one to know one eh? HAHAhahaha!”
”Oh daddy.”
You really hoped your mouth wasn’t agape and you weren’t staring, but you were too stunned to know for sure
At some point, you had sat down on the couch next to your GF without realizing”So Anon, how’s life treating you? As you can see, I’m kind of down in the Dumps! HAHAhahaha! Sorry, the jokes come easy when you’re a Garbodor. You’ve got to laugh or cry in these situations and I’m tired of being sad.”
“I-uh, guess I can’t complain. Thank you for having your daughter invite me here to meet you.”
”No problem at all. I love meeting new people, especially when they’re getting cozy with my family. But don’t worry, this isn’t one of those WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS WITH MY DAUGHTER things.”
As he shouted that last part in a booming voice, an antique looking shotgun sprung up behind him, supported by a spire of mud, and cocked itself for dramatic effect before falling back down
He leaned forward and got more serious.”As you can see, this new living arrangement of mine gives me control over pretty much everything here. I can sense everything here and know instantly its condition since it’s technically a part of me. I’ve been digging up some of your dirt, hope you don’t mind. Just standard procedure, nothing invasive. I can tell you recycle. That’s good!”
Thank you sir
You’re hearing the words he’s saying but are too busy trying to think through everything you’ve thrown away in the past month to think if anything was incriminating.
”As you can probably tell, I have an appreciation for antiques and vintage goods, even before all of this change happened. I know you do too from your eBay boxes of retro video games. You can tell a lot about a man from what he throws away.”
”I also know you love my daughter very much. You must be a perfectionist right? I’ve never seen so many written and rewritten love letters. You’ve got good penmanship but need to work on your spelling.”Holy crap
”I just wanted you to stop by so I could say, you’re a good kid. And, so I could show you this sweet game console that just came in. A genuine gold Nintendo 64! I had one of these in my bachelor days. Do you believe what people just toss out? One man’s trash really is another man’s treasure. Come over here and help me set this thing up.”
“Yes sir!”
As you stood up and walked over to his desk, you turned back and looked at Olivia
She gave you that encouraging smile you fell in love with
What a treasure indeed.
A Rat Problem
Territory disputes are the name of the game
Young upstart gets cocky?
The old guard shuts him down and teaches him manners
Foreign group thinks they can muscle in on the racket?
Everyone shows them how we do business around here
The fat cat at the top gets too comfortable and stops recognizing the little people that got him where he is?
Its healthy to prune the family tree every so often to shed some light on the young saplings underneath
That third one hadn’t been done in too long, and the rank and file soldiers were getting antsy
When a mafioso stops making appearances and only hands down instructions through his captains, he should expect something like this to come his way
No one has seen the don in person in months
He used to be a fairly public figure in the family, but now no one can even get a face to face meeting with him at his favorite restaurant
This Pokémon frenzy was a gold mine for new protection schemes and so much more, but no one has done a thing to capitalize on it
You were an alert lieutenant, you knew what it mean when the whole situation sucked like this
That was the sound of a gaping power vacuum whistling
Time to strike and prove your worth
The hit was simple: go to his office at the landfill and introduce him to great grandma
Your Capo was next in line and moves up, you become his consigliere and it’s easy street from then on out
It sure was lucky he had the plan ready to lay out for you
There’s no retirement plan in this business
Ho-lee shit this place stinks though
Following the path from the road was a stupid idea, so you hopped the fence towards the back and slunk in
Burning these clothes wouldn’t get the smell out of them, you’d be left with stinky ashes
Right about now you wish you had brought a pen light
A whole flashlight or cell phone would have been too risky, but now you were nearly tripping over trash and losing some of your stealth
Ah well, it’s probably common to have rats scurrying around in here at night making noise
Some of these shapes could really give you the creeps
They almost looked like sculptures in the dark
When was your last tetanus shot anyway?
It was slow going as you trudged towards the admin building
Your silenced piece hanging and writhing inside your jacket as a constant reminder of your goal
It was peaceful out tonight
So peaceful, you didn’t even notice the rusted frying pan behind you when it knocked you upside the head
Peaceful indeed as you slipped unconscious before you even hit the ground
Huh?
People usually say the ground rushes up to meet you as a metaphor, but you swore you saw the ground literally welcome you with open arms.
…
…
…
Oh my aching head
What? Where?
Oh right…
God, please have mercy on this wretched soul and make what happens next quick and painless”Well, well, well! I know landfills have rat problems, but I didn’t think they’d be so well dressed!”
You were upside down and seemingly encased in mud up to your elbows
That was the don’s voice alright
Even if you couldn’t see him, his voice seemed to boom all around you”This is the part where I say you disrespected me on the day of my daughter’s wedding, or on my pet dog’s birthday, or on Arbor Day right? We all love those movies!”
You were hanging from one of the trusses used by the movable cranes in some outdoor patio of the building
It was only now you noticed a stained CRT television on a rolling cart, plugged in next to the wall
There was Marlon Brando and Al Pacino in all their glory”You ever watched all of them? I found a collector’s set on VHS here among the garbage.”
You still couldn’t figure out where his voice was coming from
”HEY! Benedict Arnold! I’m asking you a question. Have you watched all the movies?”
“N-n. (ahem) No. Sir.”
”Well, that’s a shame. Maybe they got a VCR wherever you’re going.”
“NO PLEASE WAIT! THIS WASN’T MY IDEA THIS WAS ALL ENZO’S PLAN! HE WANTED YOUR POWER”
”Oh yeah? Let me guess, he drew you up a timetable and a map of the grounds?”
“YES! Yes! On a bar napkin from Tuttelini’s!”
”That’s exactly what Enzo told me before he took a dirt nap. Good to hear you were on the same page. Word of advice for the next life: Never throw away your assassination plans. You never know who might go through your garbage!”
The grotesque figure of a Garbodor rose from the ground and made it to eye level with you
”I guess it’s time to take out the trash.”
…
[LATER]
…
https://youtu.be/fL-UxriSGEM [Open]”Go.”
”Ah, great job.”
”Yeah, our vermin issue has been contained for now. Last Night. They were dealt with on the North side. If you excavate back to vintage 2022 you should find them flattened.”
”Ha! Thats a good one! Swept under the rug indeed. Quite a heavy rug.”
”No, no. No more examples needed. Promote who you see fit. But send some roses to their family. Something classy.”
”Alright. Listen, I gotta go. My daughter is going wedding dress shopping for the big day. I’ve got to be on standby for when she video calls me.”
”Right, the boy that visited.”
”Wish my baby luck! Smell you later!”With a delicate button press using a car radio antenna as a finger, the vintage Nokia in a tattered faux-leather case was dismissed into the rest of the pile of junk
The Garbodor father of the bride smiled contentedly and summoned forth from the piles of refuse an iPad with a chipped screen and a projector with a distressing scorch mark coming from its fan vent
Suddenly, the image of his pride and joy in an immaculate white gown was displayed 10 feet tall on the corrugated aluminum wall
You’d be surprised what can be fixed with just a little bit of effort, remove a faulty broken part, put a new one in, and good as new!