88) Chapter 15. ……It Was Warm (1)
“Still feels unfair.”
After sending Nam Jinwoo back to her dorm alone, the rest of us gathered and opened snacks, when Soi suddenly said that.
“Huh?”
I had been spacing out a little, so hearing that out of nowhere made me let out a dumb sound.
Just two weeks ago, it felt like Soi, Chae-yi, and I were completely outside of Hyeonji’s interest.
The three of us always stuck together, and Hyeonji had simply ended up sharing a room with us by coincidence.
But after she slept over at my house once, she started joining our conversations.
She still didn’t talk much, and compared to the three of us she wasn’t chatty at all. But even so, sitting together like this was already something.
Same now.
In the dorm, we lie on our beds when lying down, and sit on the chairs at our desks when sitting. But the floor isn’t dirty enough that we can’t sit on it.
Even though we don’t have strict inspections like the military, we do have a rule to clean every day. And among the four of us, Hyeonji is the type who follows rules without being told, so she lightly cleans after school every day and does a thorough cleaning about once a week.
Soi and Chae-yi aren’t messy either, and I try to keep things tidy because I’m self-conscious, so sitting on the floor is no problem.
We had snacks and drinks spread out in the middle of the room, and we were sitting around them in a circle. The atmosphere felt warm and familiar.
“Unfair how?”
Chae-yi asked.
Her expression wasn’t serious. More like, ‘This is probably nonsense.’
Since the three of us had been together since upper elementary school, Soi immediately noticed that look.
“No, listen. You’ll agree.”
“Mm, fine. Go on.”
Even though she said that, Chae-yi picked up a snack with a face that clearly didn’t care. Soi looked offended for a moment, then sighed deeply and continued.
“You know how Rua grabbed my chest during sparring last time.”
“Are you still talking about that?”
Chae-yi looked genuinely tired of the topic, but Soi held out her hand.
“No, seriously, just listen a bit more.”
“……”
When Chae-yi closed her mouth, Soi continued.
“Look, Rua grabbed my chest. I know. It was an accident in a situation she couldn’t help. I’m not saying I can’t forgive her or anything.”
Soi’s eyes darted around, embarrassed.
“But still, you know. Since it was an accident? If I don’t want to feel wronged? Right?”
“…What are you trying to say?”
“Like… shouldn’t we even it out?”
“……”
Chae-yi’s eyes narrowed.
Because if you summarize what Soi was saying, it was simple:
“Let me touch yours!”
…Right? If I had done it on purpose, then she’d expect an apology or something. But since it was an accident, she wanted to call it even by doing the same thing.
Maybe asking her to just let it go because it was an accident would be too shameless…?
“See? You think so too.”
“What about me?”
“Well, the instructor told you not to spar with Rua yet, so you didn’t. But eventually you’ll spar with her, right? And then you might accidentally touch something too.”
“…Huh?”
Chae-yi tilted her head.
Why was she even thinking about that?
It’s not something to agonize over. During sparring, bodies bump into each other. Sometimes certain parts touch certain parts. That’s just how it is.
“…Hmm.”
Chae-yi nodded seriously, as if she had sorted something out in her head.
And Soi nodded too.
“…Wait.”
Someone finally stepped in.
“Something about this whole conversation sounds weird.”
Me.
Even though I hadn’t said anything yet.
“So you’re saying Rua putting her nonexistent hand on Soi’s… chest area during sparring was wrong?”
“Well, not wrong wrong, but…”
Honestly, depending on how you look at it, it was wrong.
I did intentionally grab “the least hot part of her body.”
But I still feel wronged.
Even if it wasn’t her chest, touching anywhere would’ve been embarrassing.
Imagine if it wasn’t me but some boy in our class.
If not the chest, then where? Her ribs? Her slim waist? Her straight, pretty back? Her thighs or butt?
“……”
No. I hate that.
I really hate the idea of someone else touching Soi.
If you ask whether me touching her is okay… well, obviously… it’s not that it’s okay, but I don’t hate it.
I mean, I don’t want Soi getting close to other boys anyway.
“If that was wrong, then what I did was wrong too, right? I pinned Rua down and got on top of her.”
“……”
Soi and Chae-yi fell silent.
“So by that logic, since I did something wrong to Rua, Rua should get on top of me once. Is that what you’re saying?”
…Hmm.
The logic had gone completely off the rails.
But it wasn’t entirely wrong either. In normal life, who pins someone down and climbs on top of them? Especially by force?
But me climbing on top of Hyeonji… no.
Soi also realized the flaw in her argument and pouted.
“I mean, but… we always end up touching on the bed anyway. It’s just hands touching somewhere else. Is that really not allowed…?”
Grumbling.
Why was she talking like she was drunk when she hadn’t had a drop?
“Right. Speaking of which, can you three stop piling onto the same bed every night? Rua keeps groaning.”
“……”
Soi and Chae-yi looked away.
“…I was groaning?”
“…Y‑Yeah.”
This time, Hyeonji avoided my eyes, embarrassed.
Why?
People can groan in their sleep, can’t they?
“Anyway, if someone else saw, they’d misunderstand.”
“Who’s going to see?”
Soi puffed out her chest confidently.
“It’s just us in our room. We’ll be living like this for a year. Who cares?”
“……”
Hyeonji stared at her in disbelief, then turned to me.
“Are you okay with it?”
“Huh?”
“I mean, isn’t it uncomfortable when they cling to you every night?”
“Uh… no?”
When I tilted my head, Hyeonji looked stunned.
“Not uncomfortable?”
“Uh… yeah…”
Was it uncomfortable?
If you ask whether it’s completely comfortable, then no.
Just like how touching Soi’s chest during sparring made me uncomfortable, lying between Soi and Chae-yi also makes me feel a bit like that.
Like I shouldn’t move. Like if I move wrong, my hand might touch somewhere it shouldn’t. Moral anxiety.
So I can’t say it’s entirely comfortable, but being between them itself feels comforting.
When someone hugs me, my body freezes and I can’t breathe well.
I don’t hate being hugged. I actually want to be hugged.
But when I’m hugged, I remember that red, hot liquid pouring over me.
And I get scared that the person hugging me will end up like that too.
It’s ridiculous, but because of that, I became someone who wants to be hugged but can’t be.
So being between them is nice.
Pressure from both sides, warmth, softness.
Hearing the gentle breathing of Soi and Chae-yi on either side of me eventually makes me breathe easier too.
It’s like how burying your face in the corner of a bed can feel comforting.
“…Ah. I see.”
Hyeonji looked like she didn’t know what else to say, which made me embarrassed.
But what can I do?
I like Soi and Chae-yi.
…To the point where I wish neither of them would ever leave my side, even though that’s impossible.
Someday we’ll part. They’re pretty and kind, so someday they’ll fall in love with someone.
But whenever I think about that, I end up feeling jealous of that nonexistent person.
No matter how I look at it, I’m not suited to be a hero.
“Right. Do you know how good it feels when Rua hugs me?”
Soi said, noticing I was getting gloomy.
“If Rua weren’t here, I’d probably have gotten depressed ages ago.”
“Same. Ah, Hyeonji wouldn’t know. Rua’s hugs are amazing.”
“…I’m not interested.”
Hyeonji answered with a tired expression.
Her face was slightly red from all the embarrassing talk.
So she can make that kind of expression.
Would she get mad if I said it was refreshing to see?