Hello. This is something that I know i shouldnt do, but here I am instead.
My dear sister, Ana, committed on 11/29… and since then, the world has felt colder, quieter, emptier. It still doesn’t feel real. Every morning, for just a moment, I forget. And then it hits me all over again, like a wave crashing down, like a weight pressing against my chest, making it hard to breathe. She’s gone. She’s really gone. And no matter how much I scream inside, no matter how much I beg the universe to take it back, nothing changes.
Anastasia was the kindest, most loving soul I have ever known. She had this incredible ability to make everyone feel special, as if you were the most important person in the world when she spoke to you. She never judged, never turned her back on anyone, even when she was hurting. She carried so much pain, more than any of us ever realized, but she never let it stop her from being there for others. She was the kind of person who would drop everything to help a friend in need, who would stay up all night just to make sure you weren’t alone in your sadness. Even when she was struggling, she made sure the people she loved never felt abandoned.
She was warmth. She was light. She was home. And now she’s gone, and I don’t know how to make sense of a world without her in it.
I keep thinking about all the little things—the way she would laugh at the most ridiculous jokes, the way she would hum absentmindedly when she was deep in thought, the way she always gave the tightest, most comforting hugs, as if she could hold you together when you felt like falling apart. She had so much love inside her, and she gave it freely, without hesitation, without expecting anything in return.
And yet, somehow, she never seemed to believe that she deserved that same love in return. I don’t know if she ever truly understood just how much she meant to all of us. If she had, maybe things would have been different. Maybe she would still be here. Maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here, writing this, trying to put into words something that can never really be put into words.
I keep going over our last conversation in my head, wondering if there was something I could have said, something I could have done. I wish I had told her more often how much I loved her, how much she mattered, how this world was better because she was in it. I just hope—wherever she is now—that she knows. That she finally feels the love she gave to everyone else. That she has found the peace that always seemed just out of reach for her.
You would have loved to keep playing Ponytown with our friends, we could still play that cute game that we found with Xyo Kiki and the others.
Anastasia, if you can hear me… I miss you. I love you. And I don’t know how to do this without you. But I’ll try, for you. I’ll try to carry your kindness forward, to make sure the love you gave never fades. You deserved so much more than this world gave you. I only wish we had more time.
-Mati❤