clearing up things & apologizing

hi, this is me, aya, or tora to some of you \^o^/ i am writing this to talk about and clear up some things related to... well, me! i've done a lot of bad things in past few years, and i struggle a lot with taking accountability for things i do to others. so i've spent a lot of time running from the consequences of my actions. but i am mature now, and i want to take the time to outline everything and thus apologize for it or explain it. i am not looking for forgiveness or anything like that, this is just to finally confess and take responsibility so that i can have a peaceful life moving forward.


rentry copying

this is perhaps the biggest one that needs to be addressed. ever since i was very young, in every community or social scene i've been in, i always had a very compulsive urge to copy the behaviors and actions of those around me. i suppose this stemmed from a poor sense of identity? whatever the reason was, it was a very bad habit of mine that caused a lot of people around me unneeded distress and i'm truly sorry. no matter how insecure i was, this should not have manifested into harming others.

during my early days in rentrycord (sometime in early 2023), i started copying others' rentries discreetly. nothing too big, a phrase here or a piece of markdown there. as time went on and i didn't get caught or called out, i started getting bolder. in late 2023 (or early 2024? the timeline is blurred for me now), i copied a rentry of lusi's (known better as ewe now), and it did not take long for me to get noticed by her. most people would have taken the time to reflect and maybe stop, but for some reason i didn't. in fact, it only spurred me on. i started to manipulate my friends at the time and twist the story to be all about me. i would make up hurtful and untrue things about the people i copied, not just ewe but quite a few others too, all so that i could cover my tracks and stay in the "right". i developed something of a superiority complex; i got extremely carried away with my actions and even started to delude myself into believing that i was in the right for what i was doing. the people i was targeting were, more often than not, strangers or people who i did not know very well but had been kind to me regardless. it was just selfishness on my end, and i feel very ashamed of myself as i did not even stop to think to think about how much my parasocial behaviors were hurting others.

a lot of people have asked me "why?" i never had an answer then, and i still don't really have an answer now. i guess i did it all for attention, which is certainly no excuse, but it is the only thing i can think of to explain myself and my feelings at the time. i was angry and bitter with my own life, and i took out these insecurities on others. no matter how much i was questioned or called out i would just pin the blame on something else, or promise to change and never did. it was only this year that a certain series of events gave me the wake-up call i needed. but even then, i was too scared to publicly come out and address what i had done. i did what i always did when things didn't look good for me; i lied, i manipulated the story, and then i ran away. i think that's probably one of the biggest things to weigh on my conscience during this whole situation. i could not be honest, not with myself or others.

  • personality copying
    i also began to pick up the quirks and mannerisms of the people i copied. again, i don't know why i did this other than the fact i was desperate to earn attention by any means, and also how at the time i didn't have a stable sense of identity. i apologize to everyone who happened to be a victim of this. i've resolved to slowly drop all of these mannerisms and focus on developing my own, authentic personality. it might take a long time but i really do plan to work towards this, no matter what, as i want to look in the mirror and be someone i can be proud of.
  • art tracing
    yes, i traced quite a couple of people's art, the most notable one i can remember being asiya's. i did not ask permission or even give any sort of credits. i suppose this stemmed from jealousy? regardless, it was a very disgusting thing of me to do. if i really wanted to learn art, i would have put effort into practicing in my own time. as it stands, it was just another method for me to lash out and seek attention. there's not much else to say about this topic except i do really feel guilty and i apologize.

proshipping

i am not a "proshipper", or a "darkshipper", or anything like that. it's true i used to be one, yes, but i am not anymore and i am frankly disgusted by my past actions. when i was around 10-12, i used to engage heavily in proship communities as a coping method for my intrusive thoughts and such. i didn't know any better; i guess you could say i was influenced into those communities due to my friend group at the time. however, even then, i never condoned the shipping of anything legally immoral (incest, pedophilia, and things of that nature), and that is still true to this day. when i became 13-ish, i was able to get help from my girlfriend (she is my ex now; we are no longer together while i am writing this). i also gained better friends, so i was able to slowly break away from those communities.

i do not believe in "antishipping" either though, because i think both sides of the coin are fundamentally flawed and i don't believe in labels anyway. i think they're extremely chronically online. the closest thing to what i am is anti-harrassment — i do not think anyone (especially children) deserve to be harassed or antagonized based upon what they enjoy in fiction. yes, what they enjoy may be harmful, and i do think fiction 100% affects reality. but that's why what we should work on is educating children on why it is wrong and taking down those type of communities so that they will not be lured into that type of trap in the first place. if that does not work, the best we can do is block and report for inappropriate content. harassment does nothing but waste both parties' sides, and also just cause unnecessary drama. this is my opinion; you do not have to agree with it.

  • lolicon
    i am not a lolicon either. i am not attracted to children in any way, nor do i condone or engage in the act of sexualizing them. i actually think it's one of the worst, most abominable acts a person can do. when i was a proshipper, i did engage with lolisho content here and there... i would fetishize myself in that way. at the time, i viewed it as a coping method and was too young to know the actual depth of what i was promoting. fortunately, an event happened in my life at the time and it was able to open my eyes, so i promptly stopped doing that type of thing. not long after that, i was able to get help to leave proship communities for good.

agefaking

yes, i faked my age. i don't know why i did this. i guess to fit in with the older crowd? i've always had an impulse to lie, even when it comes to mundane things like that. eventually, i got trapped in the lie as i spent more time within the rentry community. the truth is, i am actually 14 years old; my birthday is on february 11th, 2011, so i am in my first year of high school at the time of writing this. there's nothing much more to say about this, but i am sorry to those i deceived.

  • racefaking
    this is simply not true. i have never tried to claim to be or mask as another race i'm not. i have always been extremely open and proud about being black, no matter how much i may lie about other things. i respect and admire other cultures but i have no desire to change a fundamental part of who i am.
    • it is true i have used the name aya online for a very long time now, but it is not because i am trying to be asian. my irl name actually starts with an A and has a Y sound too, and has the same vowel sound as it, as well as being close in syllables (3 versus 2). if you just removed the middle syllable of my irl name, it'd sound really close to aya too. the name does have roots in asia, that's true, but i did my research thoroughly before choosing this name and i also discovered it has roots from mongolian, turkish, hebrew, and even ghanian. i have roots from ghana, so i was very happy to figure this out! to the best of my knowledge, aya is not a closed name from any culture... but if it truly is, i would love to know, so you are welcome to send me any sources you find saying otherwise.
    • i also use the name niimi, which i don't really use publicly but still list on my rentries sometimes to fill space. it is a name that was gifted to me by my ojibwe friend, believe it or not! i unfortunately do not have screenshots anymore because this was in 2023 and the account this took place on is long gone. me and said friend are actually still in contact, though. there isn't really much else to say about this topic, but i am not appropriating from native american culture by using this name.

other
  • nazi defending
    when i used to date my previously mentioned ex-girlfriend, she struggled a lot with dysphoria because she was a trans girl. i used to write her love letters on rentry to help her deal with those feelings. around our one year of knowing each other, i wrote her a love letter like usual. i don't remember the details of what i typed, but the gist of what i was trying to get across was that "even the most vile people have their good moments". and yes, i used hitler as an example. i don't know why. i was extremely ignorant and foolish, and i wish i could take those words back. i think i was trying to say that even though she felt like a bad person, she wasn't because even people we consider "inhuman" due to their evil acts can be kind. this is not a defense for my words, just the best thing i have to an explanation of my thought process at the time.
    • my ex, however, upon reading this letter, became very angry when i showed it to her. she reprimanded me and said my choice of words made her uncomfortable. i don't have a screenshot anymore because this also took place on the disabled account, but i ended up apologizing to her privately. i kept the rentry up because i didn't want it to seem like i was running away from the problem (and i am very big on preserving the past so i can look back and see if i've changed). a bit after we broke up, i ended up clearing it anyways because it hurt too much to reread it.
      i'm really sorry to everyone i offended or disgusted with my choice of words. i truly didn't mean to come off that i support nazi ideology. that was the farthest thing from my mind, and i was too immature to see the impact of what i was saying. i'm older now, and i understand the world better.

final thoughts

i'm really, truly, sorry to everyone i have hurt, offended, or disgusted with my actions. if there's anything i've felt genuine remorse for, it's this. i've left all public rentrycord associated servers/social media spaces and i'm now going to be focusing solely on bettering myself. there's really no excuse for all of what i did. i know that change is shown through actions, not words, and i know that a simple rentry like this will most likely not be seen as enough, but i am working towards being a better person everyday outside of the internet. my actions were not healthy for me, much less all of the people who were involved. i someday hope to return to rentrycord as a changed, more mature person.

but please, please, do not harass me more than is warranted. over the past year or so, i have been sent or exposed to so much gore, fatphobic, queerphobic, racist and generally hateful messages/content, including rape threats, and even had a photo of myself and my ip address leaked. i know that playing the victim card here is probably irrelevant. i'm in the wrong. and while i do appreciate and understand everyone who took their time to call me out and bring my actions to the light, i do not think (metaphorically) ending a teenager's life over rentry is justifiable. you are free to dislike me for the things i have done, that i understand, but i do not think your hatred for me should extend into bigotry.

that being said, i am completely willing to have civil conversations if there is anything else i have forgotten to address in this rentry, or if you are confused and need clarification on something. we can talk and have everything sorted out. you're welcome to add me on my discord @pinodeco, or you can shoot me a message on my atabook.



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Pub: 12 Nov 2025 15:05 UTC

Edit: 12 Nov 2025 16:05 UTC

Views: 51