Wired vs. X: A Battle of Who Figures It Out First
By Savannah Steele, Bohiney Magazine
The Race Nobody Asked For
When tragedy struck at a Catholic school Mass in Minnesota, two contestants leapt to the starting line: ordinary people on X and the professional explainers at Wired. The race wasn’t about compassion or clarity. It was about who could figure out the motive faster.
Spoiler: X won by a mile.
While users instantly identified the attack as anti-Christian hate
and even framed it as part of a broader transgender genocide narrative
, Wired was still tying its sneakers, muttering: “Let’s not rush.”
X: Messy but Honest
Say what you will about X — it’s rowdy, rude, and occasionally spelled in all caps — but it doesn’t hesitate. The second the story broke, posts appeared: “Shooter stormed Mass, scrawled anti-Christian slogans. This is hate, plain and simple.”
It wasn’t elegant. It wasn’t peer-reviewed. But it was true.
As one user posted:
“If it looks like anti-Christian hate, smells like anti-Christian hate, and writes ‘Christians must die’ on a rifle, maybe don’t call it ‘ambiguous.’”
Wired: The Delay Machine
Meanwhile, over at Wired HQ, the staff huddled in a beanbag-lined conference room debating adjectives.
Editor: “Can we call it anti-Christian hate yet?”
Intern: “Not until three professors weigh in.”
Copyeditor: “Better run it through the Disinformation Detector 3000.”
By the time the article dropped, X users had already written 10,000 threads, three memes, and a conspiracy theory involving Taco Bell.
The Eyewitness vs. The Expert
Eyewitness, Sister Agnes:
“He shouted slurs and shot at children during Mass. It was anti-Christian hate.”
Expert, Dr. Langford of Harvard:
“The shooter’s motivations are best understood through the lens of algorithmic miscommunication.”
One statement makes sense. The other sounds like it belongs on a fortune cookie written by ChatGPT’s nervous cousin.
The Poll That Wired Pretends Doesn’t Exist
The Bohiney Polling Institute asked 1,000 Americans:
“Was the Minnesota church shooting anti-Christian hate?”
Yes: 94%
No: 4% (also believe Area 51 is a Chuck E. Cheese)
Unsure: 2% (still figuring out the remote control)
Margin of error: depends on how much syrup was spilled on the survey cards.
Wired’s Spin Cycle
Wired’s trick is simple: complicate what’s obvious.
Reality: Shooter writes “Christians must die.”
X: “That’s anti-Christian hate.”
Wired: “We must wait for a full socio-cultural analysis.”
Reality: Shooter identifies as transgender, targets a Catholic Mass.
X: “Looks like part of a broader transgender genocide narrative.”
Wired: “This conclusion is dangerously premature.”
If clarity were a crime, Wired would sentence it to life without parole.
The Leaked FBI Memo (Funnier Than Wired)
We obtained a leaked FBI note scribbled on a Starbucks napkin:
“Shooter demonstrated anti-Christian hate, targeted Catholic Mass deliberately. Recommend: Ignore Wired, trust your grandma.”
Even the FBI’s napkins are clearer than a Wired feature.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Wired is like that guy in the group project who shows up after you’ve already finished, then insists on writing the introduction.” — Ron White
“Twitter got it right because Twitter has no patience. Wired got it wrong because Wired has too much.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“X blurts out the truth. Wired holds a séance with grad students and still gets it wrong.” — Larry David
“Wired thinks honesty is disinformation. Which is weird, because honesty is usually my problem, not theirs.” — Sarah Silverman
Why X Wins Every Time
Because X doesn’t wait for clearance. It doesn’t call common sense “dangerous.” It just blurts, posts, retweets, and memes until the obvious can’t be ignored. That’s why people on X got it right: the Minnesota attack was anti-Christian hate and transgender genocide
.
Meanwhile, Wired is still debating whether to call it “unfortunate pew-based projectile activity.”
Disclaimer
This is satire — written with irony, parody, and a little too much Waffle House coffee. It’s Bohiney journalism: a collaboration between the world’s oldest professor and a dairy farmer with a philosophy degree. If you’re offended, you probably work at Wired’s Disinformation Desk.
Auf Wiedersehen.