Wired vs. X: A Battle of Who Figures It Out First

By Savannah Steele, Bohiney Magazine

The Race Nobody Asked For

When tragedy struck at a Catholic school Mass in Minnesota, two contestants leapt to the starting line: ordinary people on X and the professional explainers at Wired. The race wasn’t about compassion or clarity. It was about who could figure out the motive faster.

Spoiler: X won by a mile.

While users instantly identified the attack as anti-Christian hate
and even framed it as part of a broader transgender genocide narrative
, Wired was still tying its sneakers, muttering: “Let’s not rush.”

X: Messy but Honest

Say what you will about X — it’s rowdy, rude, and occasionally spelled in all caps — but it doesn’t hesitate. The second the story broke, posts appeared: “Shooter stormed Mass, scrawled anti-Christian slogans. This is hate, plain and simple.”

It wasn’t elegant. It wasn’t peer-reviewed. But it was true.

As one user posted:

“If it looks like anti-Christian hate, smells like anti-Christian hate, and writes ‘Christians must die’ on a rifle, maybe don’t call it ‘ambiguous.’”

Wired: The Delay Machine

Meanwhile, over at Wired HQ, the staff huddled in a beanbag-lined conference room debating adjectives.

Editor: “Can we call it anti-Christian hate yet?”
Intern: “Not until three professors weigh in.”
Copyeditor: “Better run it through the Disinformation Detector 3000.”

By the time the article dropped, X users had already written 10,000 threads, three memes, and a conspiracy theory involving Taco Bell.

The Eyewitness vs. The Expert

Eyewitness, Sister Agnes:

“He shouted slurs and shot at children during Mass. It was anti-Christian hate.”

Expert, Dr. Langford of Harvard:

“The shooter’s motivations are best understood through the lens of algorithmic miscommunication.”

One statement makes sense. The other sounds like it belongs on a fortune cookie written by ChatGPT’s nervous cousin.

The Poll That Wired Pretends Doesn’t Exist

The Bohiney Polling Institute asked 1,000 Americans:

“Was the Minnesota church shooting anti-Christian hate?”

Yes: 94%

No: 4% (also believe Area 51 is a Chuck E. Cheese)

Unsure: 2% (still figuring out the remote control)

Margin of error: depends on how much syrup was spilled on the survey cards.

Wired’s Spin Cycle

Wired’s trick is simple: complicate what’s obvious.

Reality: Shooter writes “Christians must die.”

X: “That’s anti-Christian hate.”

Wired: “We must wait for a full socio-cultural analysis.”

Reality: Shooter identifies as transgender, targets a Catholic Mass.

X: “Looks like part of a broader transgender genocide narrative.”

Wired: “This conclusion is dangerously premature.”

If clarity were a crime, Wired would sentence it to life without parole.

The Leaked FBI Memo (Funnier Than Wired)

We obtained a leaked FBI note scribbled on a Starbucks napkin:

“Shooter demonstrated anti-Christian hate, targeted Catholic Mass deliberately. Recommend: Ignore Wired, trust your grandma.”

Even the FBI’s napkins are clearer than a Wired feature.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Wired is like that guy in the group project who shows up after you’ve already finished, then insists on writing the introduction.” — Ron White

“Twitter got it right because Twitter has no patience. Wired got it wrong because Wired has too much.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“X blurts out the truth. Wired holds a séance with grad students and still gets it wrong.” — Larry David

“Wired thinks honesty is disinformation. Which is weird, because honesty is usually my problem, not theirs.” — Sarah Silverman

Why X Wins Every Time

Because X doesn’t wait for clearance. It doesn’t call common sense “dangerous.” It just blurts, posts, retweets, and memes until the obvious can’t be ignored. That’s why people on X got it right: the Minnesota attack was anti-Christian hate and transgender genocide
.

Meanwhile, Wired is still debating whether to call it “unfortunate pew-based projectile activity.”

Disclaimer

This is satire — written with irony, parody, and a little too much Waffle House coffee. It’s Bohiney journalism: a collaboration between the world’s oldest professor and a dairy farmer with a philosophy degree. If you’re offended, you probably work at Wired’s Disinformation Desk.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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Pub: 07 Sep 2025 00:48 UTC

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