Midnight Blue
By TwoDaysMaybe
Noelle Holiday stares gloomily out at the lake, her hooves tapping nervously against the concrete beneath them
It's a grey and cloudy day, the last traces of winter's chill still stubbornly lingering in the air
Something halfway between a drizzle and a proper rain falls from the sky, barely enough to dampen her fur when a stray breeze blows it into her face
It patters on the metal gazebo she's sitting under, makes the surface of the lake shiver and ripple with a hundred thousand little pockmark impacts
She fishes her phone out of her pocket, reads the most recent text again, just like she's been doing over and over for the past fifteen minutes
"can we talk? by the lake after class"
Noelle squeezes twin fistfuls of her skirt and sighs bitterly
Her stomach twists with anxiety
The memory of Kris's eyes, wide and embarrassed and horrified, runs through her mind again and again until she feels queasy
It was an accident.
She and Kris had been walking back to class after lunch, making plans for that afternoon
Susie has been sick all week, bedridden with a stomach bug
Kris, ever the thoughtful one, suggested that she could probably use some company
After Susie assured them that the worst of it had passed and she could (probably) make it through the afternoon without needing a bucket, Noelle had (reluctantly) agreed
A perfectly normal day, at least by the standards of Noelle's new normal
Days spent with Kris and Susie, laughing at their idiocy instead of alone and cursing her own
Days spent in the park or the librarby or in the Dark World, going on adventures she'd never have dreamed of, instead of in her room, staring at the walls and trying to tamp down the scream building inside her
And then Kris ignored the wet patch on the floor she had specifically pointed out to him, slipping and falling flat on his face
He struggled to sit up as she snickered at him, rubbed the angry red blush on his forehead and groaned
And just at that moment, just as he was clambering to his feet and she was debating whether or not to give him a hand up
His scarf slipped open
She barely saw anything
Maybe a couple inches of the bare, pale skin of his neck, at most
But as she looked closer, the teasing words died on her lips
Peeking just above the navy blue wool were three tiny little marks
Flushed pinkish-red, blobby like molten metal
Set in a neat little row, about a finger's width apart
Scars.
Noelle suddenly had a terrible feeling that she had just seen something she really, really should not have.
Dread numbed her hands, made her tongue feel sluggish and dull
"Kris, I-"
Kris slammed his hand over the marks, a thunderously loud clap echoing in the empty hallway
His eyes met hers for the briefest of moments, fear and shame flashing through the crimson
And then he turned away, a livid flush creeping up from under his collar, burning in his cheeks
He pulled his scarf back across his neck, tied it into a firm knot
Or at least a firm a knot as he could manage with his hands shaking so badly, twitching like hooked fish
And then, before she could say another word, Kris leapt to his feet and stormed off
The sound of footfalls on the water-smoothed stones by the lake snaps her out of her reverie, and she glances up, hope and panic swelling together in her chest
Kris waves as he strolls towards her, a sheepish smile on his face
"Hey, Noelle. Sorry I'm late."
Noelle glances away, shifts on the bench as she smooths down her skirt
Just the sight of his smile sent a wave of relief through her, so strong her knees feel a bit weak.
She tries to convince herself that she wasn't that worried that she had upset him
Fails, of course
She brushes a strand of golden blonde hair behind her ear, coughs into her fist
"It's fine. Not like I had anything else to do today."
"Even so."
She pats the bench, the metal cool and damp under her fingers
"There's room for two under here. Or are you fine just standing there and getting rained on?"
Kris rubs the back of his neck, stares up at the darkening sky
"I'm good."
A silence passes between them, long and awkward
The sound of their breathing is lost as the gentle drumming of the rain grows louder
The glances they shoot each other as each waits for the other to talk vanish into the deepening gloom of early evening
"Listen, about earlier..."
The sound of Kris's voice is so sudden that Noelle jumps
She glares at him, but he doesn't notice
His hands are stuffed in his pockets as he watches the mist gathering over the water
"I panicked. I'm not used to people seeing... under my scarf, and..."
He runs a hand through his chestnut hair, frowning
"I overreacted. And I'm sorry."
Noelle scoffs and rolls her eyes
"Oh, please. It's not that big a deal, Kris. Believe me, I'm very used to you being a complete weirdo."
A hollow grin crosses his face, just for a second
"Hah. Well, thanks."
He takes his right hand out of his pocket
Squeezes it into a fist, once, twice
Then drums his fingers against his thigh, bobbing slightly on the balls of his feet as he mutters something under his breath
"...No way around it."
Noelle narrows her eyes as she leans forward
"Kris?"
"There's something about me you don't know. Something I've never told you. Something I probably should have, considering everything we've been through together."
His hand creeps up towards his neck
Clutches at his scarf, so hard that the soggy wool leaks little trails down his wrist
He's nervous... no, scared.
Noelle sits up, hooves scraping against the concrete
"Kris, whatever this is... if you'd rather not tell me, you don't have to. It doesn't matter. I don't really care."
She snaps her mouth shut as the last words leave her mouth, like she can bite them out of the air, kill them before he hears them
A scowl twists her face, and she pinches the bridge of her snout
Stupid. Cruel. Always saying things like that, the words she wants to say sharpening into the ones she'll always wish she hadn't
But Kris doesn't notice, or at least doesn't mind
He just shakes his head
"It matters to me. And you deserve to know."
He huffs the breath out through his nose, sets his shoulders and rolls his neck
"Okay. You might not remember, but when we were kids I was in the hospital for a bit."
A dim memory rises, of Dad on the phone, hushed and frantic
Of Mom sitting down with her and her sister, telling them that there were some things they absolutely must not say around Kris and Miss Undyne
She scratches at an antler, furrows her brow
"I remember. Vaguely."
"This is why."
With one swift movement, Kris pulls off his scarf
There, across the the side of his neck, are three long, thin scars
And as he turns to face her, she can see another set of three on the other side of his neck
"The cuts went pretty deep. Doctors did what they could, but the scarring really wasn't their main priority."
His voice is a low monotone, like he's reciting from a report, recounting something that happened to someone else
"Apparently it was a minor miracle that I survived it at all. If Mom hadn't found me so quickly, I probably wouldn't have."
"God, Kris..."
Noelle doesn't know what to say
If there even is a right thing to say
But as she tries to come up with something, anything, there's a tickle at the back of her brain
She squints at the scars, pursing her lips
They're awfully neat.
Three in a row. Perfectly straight lines, cut diagonally across his neck, slanting down from back to front
Ruddy against his skin
Almost like a morbid tally mark, or scoring across a pie crust or-
Gills.
Her eyes go wide, a horrified gasp hitching in her throat
"Oh God."
Kris smiles mirthlessly, his teeth glinting fishbone white
"Hah. Figured it out already, huh? I should have known. You're pretty smart, you know that?"
He puts a hand around his neck, traces the tips of the scars with his fingers and thumb
"Yeah. I did this to myself."
"Why?!"
The question bursts out of her before she can stop it, the rain-muffled echo sounding out across the lake
Kris chuckles quietly
"The dumbest possible reason, of course. I felt like I was different from everybody else. I wanted to be more like Mom."
He rests his hands on his hips
And even though he tries to hide it, Noelle can see his fingers starting to tremble
"Because I'm not. I wasn't. No matter how much I worked out, I was never as strong as her. No matter how much I shouted, I was never as cool as her. She always told me it'd come in time, that I just needed to wait until I grew up a little bit, but..."
He cocks his head to the side, the scars stretching across the muscles of his neck
"Well. There was one thing that wouldn't change no matter how long I waited. So I, ah... took matters into my own hands. Waited for Mom to go grocery shopping, grabbed a kitchen knife out of the drawer and went up to the bathroom."
The corners of his mouth twitch
"I filled the tub, too. Wanted to test out my new gills right away after I... hah. Anyway, turns out I didn't know my own strength. I cut too deep, passed out, and if Mom hadn't forgotten her credit card at home, then..."
The rain grows heavier, a hollow, banging din against the metal roof above her, but even through it she hears his words, clear and eerily calm
"We wouldn't be having this conversation right now."
Noelle's mouth goes dry, and she presses her hands to her forehead
A wave of self-loathing nausea rolls through her
How many times?
Dork. Weirdo. Freak.
How many times has she said those words to him?
How many times has she thought of even worse ones?
Just because he was weird and quiet and cutting him down was easier than letting him in
Assuming he was used to it, assuming he could take it
Well, good job, Noelle.
Turns out he really was used to it
And he can take it, has taken it, took it so much that it ended up with him bleeding half to death in his mom's arms
"...I didn't know."
She says, half to herself, as though it's any kind of excuse
But Kris just shuffles his feet, kicks a rock towards the shoreline
"I never told you."
She wouldn't have, if she were him
"That's okay. I... It's not an easy conversation to have, I'd imagine."
He nods, his hair hanging lank in front of his face as the rain starts to pour down
His sweater is soaked, clinging close to his body, his scarf still clutched in one hand as it drains onto the stones
"Look, the reason I don't talk about this isn't just because it's kind of a messed up story. It's that..."
He pushes his bangs back, slicking up his hair
Meets her gaze, a painful sincerity in his carmine eyes
"I didn't start wearing the scarf right away, you know. After I got out of the hospital, after I went back to school, for like a week I was-"
His voice catches, and he coughs, sniffling as he pinches the bridge of his nose
"I was showing off my damn scars. On the playground, to all the other kids. Like they were a new toy or something. Because even after all that, even after I nearly died and made my Mom rush me to the hospital and take care of me and wash my blood out of the tub, I still hadn't learned my lesson. I still thought they looked cool."
Noelle stands up, strides out into the rain, her hooves clicking on the concrete
Rainwater cascades off the edge of the roof, pouring cold and wet straight down the back of her shirt, but she doesn't care
Kris's shoulders are shaking, his voice is wavering
It's the most emotion she's ever seen from him, all of it bad
"You were a child, Kris. Everybody does stupid crap when they're a kid-"
But he speaks over her, over the downpour, forcing the words out one after the other
"One day I got home early, and I found Mom just... crying her eyes out at the dinner table. Because Miss Toriel had called her and told her what I was doing. What I was saying."
He takes a long, shuddering breath
"How I was saying I looked just like Mom. How we matched now."
He spits the words, furious, seething
"It's the worst thing I've ever done. I made my mom cry. Twice. I made her feel like what I did to myself, how I almost died was her fault. Because I never thought about how it would make her feel."
Kris rubs his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater
It doesn't do much. Makes them a slightly different kind of wet, maybe
And then he spreads his arms, stares straight into Noelle's eyes
Tilts his head back just a little bit
Water runs between his scars, rivers between reddened foothills
"This is why I don't talk about it. Why I don't like people seeing the scars. Because if I explain it, they see who I really am: an idiot who makes the people he cares about cry."
Noelle feels like she's standing in the middle of a frozen sea, and the ice is cracking beneath her feet
A step in any direction could send her to the bottom of a zero-degree abyss
There's a million things she wants to say, a million different futures dancing in front of her
A million ways things could go wrong. A million ways she could hurt Kris in a way she could never take back.
So instead of saying any of those million things, she steps forward
Sets her hand on Kris's shoulder
And then pulls him into a hug, pressing his wet, humid warmth into herself
"I know."
"What?"
His voice is barely more than a whisper
"I know that you're an idiot. And you know that I'm..."
Cold.
Ill-tempered.
Honestly, just kind of a bitch.
But those aren't words that she wants to put in Kris's mouth, even if she thinks they're true
"The way that I am. And even though you know that, you still... you've still been there for me, Kris. You've still been my friend."
She squeezes him, a little shower spattering onto the ground as she wrings out his sweater
"What kind of friend would I be if I didn't return the favor?"
The kind she fears she is, sometimes
The kind she tries her hardest not to be.
"Thank you. For telling me all of that. For trusting me. But it doesn't change a thing. You're still..."
All at once Kris's arms are around her, hard and tight as steel bands, clinging to her, his hands clutching at her sweater vest as a whimper trembles in his throat, as he buries his face in her shoulder.
"You're still my best friend."
And there, under the rain and the clouds and the distant rumble of thunder, she swears that he always will be.
The trip home is quiet.
Kris and Noelle huddle together under her umbrella as they walk through the night
For whatever good it does. His clothes are basically completely saturated already anyway.
But Noelle doesn't mind. Doesn't mind the lukewarm water that squelches and seeps into her sweater and skirt as he walks shoulder to shoulder with her
They part ways with a wordless wave, about a block from Kris's house
It's been a long time since Noelle last saw Undyne off-duty, and she can think of better ways to catch up than to deliver her son to her dripping wet and puffy-faced from crying
And then she begins the long, lonely walk home
Usually it's the second worst part of her day, right after the dull evenings she spends alone in the great emptiness of the Holiday residence
But today it doesn't feel quite so bad. There's a lightness in her hooves, a warmth in her heart that she hasn't felt in a while
She listens to the rain, smells the scent of mud and wet grass, watches the drops fly through the streetlights like little silver comets, and feels almost at peace
And when she gets home, while she showers and dumps her sodden clothes in the washing machine and flops down on her bed in her flannel pyjamas, there's a persistent little smile on her face
One that only grows wider when her phone buzzes, and she sees one new message from Kris
"thanks."
To which she responds:
"Anytime. Really."
She holds her phone close to her chest that night, thinking of him as she finally slips into a deep, happy sleep.
Thinking of her fearless leader.
Her knight in riot armor.
Her best friend.
And above all else...
The idiot who makes her smile.
Art by Spry and Peura Nautija.