relapse

or; "what if i tricked you into reading about my esoteric asriel dreemurr headcanons for 10,000 characters under the guise of an asriel x anon story"

>asriel has nightmares sometimes
>but, that’s not all
>sometimes he seems a little off, in a way that’s hard to place
>just slight nagging at the back of your brain, that something, something isn’t quite right
>but it never lasts long, a few days in a month, and that strange tension fades away
>he’s been trying to be more honest with you, and you’d say he’s doing a pretty great job
>but then again, if he wasn’t you wouldn’t know, but you trust him, and you don’t want to rush him
>he’ll take it at his pace, to his comfort, and he’ll be better for it, and if he needs a little push some time?
>you’re sure he’ll ask, he knows himself like that
>so when that feeling comes back as he wanders out of his room one morning, and he looks at you with an odd expression, it’s a little confusing
>he looks pretty serious, actually
>he sits you down, and tries his best to explain it
>it’s... kind of like a period?
>he chuckles a little when you say as much, and it’s a sharper chuckle than you expect, but that makes a lot of sense
>when he got his, uh, soul? stuff? happening...
>it was apparently a fairly large endeavour - ancient relics, lots of work for the royal scientist, apparently they accidentally pulled a guy out of an “interdimensional hell pocket”(???)
>at one (or two, or three, he was a little unclear) point(s) his adoptive sibling had to be restrained to stop them from “-just giving me their soul, which would have been really unfortunate given how close we were at that point. Frisk is a little too self-sacrificial for their own good... but I guess I’m glad about that, in the end. Monsters wouldn’t be free if Frisk wasn’t willing to walk directly into a speartip and not blink.”
>but, the point essentially, was that the solution was to jam everything they’d tried before into one Big Thing, and /that/ worked
>”Alphys called it the... ‘Sensory Oratory Unified Lifesystem’. Which is a clear indicator that she’d been spending too much time with my dad.”
>given how he’s described her before, you think it might be something to do with all that anime, too
>but on a normal day, he would have popped in a little disclaimer at the end of that
>something like, “no offense to my dad, of course! he named me after all, i like my name. people can be a little too hard on him sometimes, he tries his best” all in a cheery tone
>but the upshot of how messy the end product was, is that sometimes he
>relapses a little
>it’s not a full loss of feeling, and it’s not remotely consistent either - but it’s a major dampening, say 50-80%
>he says he’s learned to live with it over the years, although the first few times it happened he was terrified
>it’s just... a facet of life, a chronic issue, not something that’s exactly “curable”
>”If they mess around with me too much, they’re worried they’ll... break it, and I’ll really go back. I’m... I’m not eager to push that boundary.”
>most of the chuckles that morning feel more hollow than sharp
>so, he gets a little cranky sometimes (massive understatement), and he’s good at hiding it
>it really strikes you how good he is at hiding it
>he could lie right to your face, has a lot of times, and you’d eat it up
>you don’t really blame him, but it’s just
>odd to think about
>that this bastion of natural grace and kindness isn’t so natural
>that he has to lie and fight and suffer for it
>but he still does
>he tries his hardest, every day
>you can’t help but respect him even more
>and so, that conversation ends, and the endcap is simple
>he wants to be more honest, so he’s not going to sugarcoat this
>it’s... stark, more than you expected
>no fake smiles, no forced niceties, no form of lip service at all
>he’s brooding and bored and even looks at you differently
>it... shouldn’t sting, but it does a little
>but, after a couple days, you start to acclimatize
>it’s not so bad
>it’s actually... kind of nice? in a way?
>he’s so sarcastic, so knife-sharp
>every word serves a purpose and it’s laid out masterfully, it makes basic conversation seem like some grand strategy
>which is a really weird “this guy’s so smart” way to describe it but you can’t really describe it any better any other way
>he just /knows/ what to say, how to say it, and eventually it clicks that it’s not some sherlock holmes big brain shit
>it’s just experience
>he’s had a lot of experience
>a lot a lot
>which... kind of puts a damper on your line of thought
>but he’s still, y’know, nice to be around
>he’s still your azzy
>he’s just a little different
>really funny, really observant
>you suppose he must always be that observant and he just, doesn’t care enough to hide it
>you suppose that means he workshops everything he says to be less effective so he doesn’t come off like a prophet or something
>but... no, that can’t be right
>he’s been awkward before, had breakdowns before, surely he hasn’t faked all of that, it’d be too much effort
>and to what end? to get with you? no chance, he could do 1000x better
>it feels a little insensitive to ask about it, but he’s /observant/, so he asks what’s up anyway
>the explanation makes sense, thankfully
>he words it, uh, “diplomatically” let’s say, but the upshot is:
>when he’s like this, he doesn’t really care as much what people think, and that ironically lets him communicate way more efficiently without getting tripped up by anxiety
>but because he doesn’t really care, he doesn’t use it, except to keep up the facade of how he is normally - because if he doesn’t hit that baseline, he’ll feel like shit for being mean when he comes out of it
>which explains why it always felt a little off, it was too perfect - nothing can be exactly how you expect it, especially not for extended periods of time
>he’s opened up about his anxiety issues before, and paranoia makes a lot more sense given the context of “i might get my personality and capacity to feel fucked around at any given moment”
>it’s very different for him to be so confident, so /cocky/
>one of the few expressions you get without a tinge of boredom is that sly, smug grin
>it’s... pretty cute, really
>and a little hot
>he (of course) picks up on this and leans over you with said smug fucking grin a few times
>god he’s pretty
>and he’s taking it in a lot more eagerly
>he’s not averse to compliments normally, but there’s usually a little minimizing at play
>in this state, he seems pretty happy to have his ego fed
>also a little hot
>the moral implications of thinking the way he acts when he’s like this is hot are a little murky, considering it fucks with him a fair bit, but
>it’s still him
>it’s a part of who he is now - or, has been for a long time, rather - and you love him, so
>of course you’re going to love this as well
>you go out for a walk on the last day of it, it’s a cold winter so you’re all wrapped up
>he makes fun of you a little for wanting to hold his hand as you walk, but he doesn’t pull away or anything
>off to the park, to one of his favourite spots
>a little bench by a pond, which is frozen over now
>he leans into you, which takes you by surprise
>he really hasn’t been very affectionate, during
>but looking at him, as he looks out onto the ice, he seems content
>comfortable, unguarded, and that’s a beautiful thing to see
>he’s a beautiful thing in general, but
>you didn’t expect to make much progress so fast
>you thought it’d kind of hurt the first few times, but this really isn’t so bad
>he’s doing alright, too, you were worried about him
>he’s comfy, content, everything’s alright
>there’s a loud clatter somewhere in the distance, and asriel does something unexpected
>he absolutely cracks up
>it’s only at full volume for a few seconds, but it’s very v e r y energetic, it makes you snap right back from looking for the source of the noise
>he’s hiding in your arm, shuddering from laughter, and it takes a minute to actually look back
>somebody slipped on the ice, it looks like they fell right onto their ass
>they’re glaring in your direction as they pick up their bag, which if anything just makes him laugh harder
>it takes like, a full five minutes after they walk off for him to stop
>anything meanspirited is so strange from him, he really doesn’t like schadenfreude or laughing at people when they’re down
>yet here he is, laughing his ass off at someone literally down
>he’s vibrant
>you enjoy the rest of your time at the park, it’s always lovely to come with him
>you enjoy your walk home, but he seems really tired
>it’s not until you go to say goodnight, after he hops right into his bedroom from getting his shoes off, that you realise something’s off
>he’s crying
>ah, fuck
>alright
>focus
>you walk over to him, softly, and reach over
>he jolts at your touch, but doesn’t flinch away
>it takes a few minutes, but eventually
>”...They could have been really hurt, and I just... I shouldn’t let my guard down like that. Not even with you. I don’t want...”
>he trails off there, but you get the picture, and the worst seems to be over
>just sniffles and shaky breath now
>you stay by his side the rest of the night, proof that you’re not going to take him for some terrible creature and leave, like he mutters about in his sleep
>he’ll apologise, later, for the outburst - that he relaxed more than he expected, and really it was bad timing that he came back to “normal” right after
>not that he needs to apologise for a thing, but he will anyway
>it won’t be the worst relapse he ever has, sometimes they can be kind of intense, and leave him disorientated and lashing out
>it won’t be the calmest relapse he ever has, as you learn how to keep him “in check” so he doesn’t feel bad later, but still enjoy yourselves
>eventually he’ll come to a peace with it, and he’ll spend the rest of his life a little rougher around the edges, but mostly unvisited by episodes
>but, that’s a few years off, now
>this, now, was the first he shared with you, and it’ll never go away
>even when the episodes stop, it just becomes a fixture rather than an invader - that in the comfort of his own home he can giggle at a video of a guy falling over without feeling bad for the next 2 hours, that he can say something without making sure it’s as kind and clear and unmistakable as possible
>it’s part of who he is, and for any stress it might bring - he’s beautiful, every bit of him, every facet
>as long as you stick with each other, you feel like you can do anything
>you hope he feels the same

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Pub: 22 Sep 2021 04:18 UTC
Views: 631