I read: https://archiveofourown.org/works/49355089/
Some thoughts:
- I’ve never played the game or whatever it is, so I can’t speak to the characterization or how dramatic the storyline is supposed to be, but I guess the plot is kinda like Signalis?
- Hair color epithets are bad, just use the character’s name
- The fic seems to veer from using an omniscient viewpoint for a few paragraphs to using a third-person limited viewpoints for a little bit before going back again. It’s a bit jarring and feels like going from the viewpoint of a security camera in the room to a character’s perspective and back again over and over. It’s definitely better to choose one perspective and stick with it. Randomly jumping into the waitress’s head was particularly bizarre
- There are a few stretches in the fic where characters are talking to each other without doing anything else and it devolves into white room syndrome. Action beats are a great way to smooth out the pace while not making it seem like the characters are two NPCs just standing there talking to each other like mannequins
- Some lines of dialogue don’t have clear demarcations as to who is speaking. It’s easy enough to know from context clues who is actually talking, but it adds unnecessary confusion and looks a little sloppy
- This is more of a stylistic complaint, but I don’t particularly care for long stretches of character introspection where they ruminate on whatever past actions led them to that particular moment; it feels like time has stopped for everyone but the MC and they’re just pondering deep thoughts while sitting on a park bench and they aren’t even on a bus watching the scenery go by or anything. I prefer to read romance fics where characters are talking with and interacting with each other, character studies aren’t really my jam
- I didn’t see any major typos or grammatical mistakes apart from a handful of missing periods
- When using sentences like, “I hate you!” she shouted, the “shouted” part is pretty unnecessary; the reader can pretty clearly imply that the speaker is upset and the “shouted” part feels like the author is pointing out to the reader like, “hey, this character is upset in case you didn’t know!” It can break suspension of disbelief a little bit when the reader can clearly see the author’s fingerprints on the work