36) Chapter 7. No, It’s Not Even That Different? (5)
I didn’t know Chae‑yi could make a sound like that.
I always thought she was calm and quiet.
With my cheek resting against Soi’s warm back, my mind felt a little hazy as I heard firm footsteps approaching us.
“What are you doing?”
Chae‑yi asked.
I flinched, thinking she was talking to me—but thankfully, Soi answered first.
“Just playing.”
“Playing? That’s playing?”
“Yeah.”
Soi’s voice was shamelessly casual. I heard Chae‑yi inhale sharply, like she was about to yell, but then she stopped and seemed to think.
“…Rua.”
“Mm.”
I answered her.
“Are you okay? Isn’t it uncomfortable?”
Uncomfortable?
Well… if I had to choose between comfortable or uncomfortable, then yes, it was uncomfortable. Someone my size—or maybe heavier—was sitting on my lap.
If she stayed too long, wouldn’t my legs go numb? Actually, they were already starting to tingle.
But if she was asking whether I was okay…
Honestly, I was.
I often hugged plushies. I didn’t have that habit in my previous life, but after getting a big stuffed toy as a child in this life, I realized how comforting it felt to hold something soft and warm.
The softer and warmer, the better. It felt good to rest my chin on it or lean against it.
And right now, Soi—though much heavier than a plushie—was soft and warm. And she stayed steady even when I leaned on her. So if she asked whether I was okay…
Of course I was.
“……”
Wait. Was it really okay? Was it okay to say that? I was basically hugging Soi.
And didn’t I have trauma about this kind of thing? When Uncle Dohyun hugged me, my body froze. Even with Auntie Yujin, I got tense.
But… hugging someone versus being hugged—was that really different?
Or was it just because it was Soi?
“Rua?”
“…I‑I’m okay.”
That was the only answer I could give.
Because it was true. My body wasn’t freezing or trembling, and no old memories surfaced.
If anything, holding onto someone like this felt like clinging to something solid.
It felt… stabilizing.
…
Hmm. Maybe I really was messed up.
No, but really—what’s the difference? Hugging or being hugged—it’s just direction, isn’t it?
“…Really?”
There was a sharp edge in Chae‑yi’s voice, and I shivered.
“Hey. You’re scaring her.”
Soi’s voice sharpened too. The vibration through her back tickled my cheek.
“Ah, sorry.”
Chae‑yi’s voice returned to normal.
“……”
Silence settled around us.
I still had my eyes closed, but honestly, I was scared to open them. I could feel everyone staring at us without even looking.
“…Soi, maybe…”
Feeling embarrassed, I carefully loosened my arms.
Soi lingered for a moment, reluctant, then finally stood up.
The moment she left, the emptiness hit me hard. Blood rushed back into my legs, tingling sharply, and the places where her legs and back had touched me suddenly felt cold.
I shivered and slowly opened my eyes.
Everyone was staring.
But their expressions weren’t the same fear‑tinged ones from before.
They looked more like they were thinking, What on earth is going on?
Hey, you guys did this sometimes too. Not one person sitting on another, but two or three stacked on top of each other.
Sure, that was more playful.
And no one fought over who got to sit on whom.
Okay, that sounded weird.
“…So, can I ask why you were doing that?”
Chae‑yi asked Soi.
Soi hesitated, then sighed.
She walked to the back of the classroom and gestured for Chae‑yi to follow.
Was it something I wasn’t supposed to hear?
They whispered for a bit, then both turned to look at me.
Chae‑yi’s expression was… complicated.
What did they talk about?
- *
“So it’s because of Rua’s trauma?”
“Yeah. You know she doesn’t really like being hugged.”
Not liking it and not being able to do it were different things.
Rua never said which it was, but either way, it was best to avoid it.
“Think about it. What’s the clearest way to show you’re close friends?”
“…Holding hands?”
“We do that all the time. Other kids think it’s normal.”
“…So you decided hugging?”
“If she can’t hug, there’s only one option, right?”
Exactly.
It was simple logic.
Hugging looks mutual. Even if one person initiates it, from the outside it looks equal. And if both agree, you can’t tell who’s leading.
But the existence of the word “being hugged” shows that the reverse situation exists.
Like Soi earlier.
“……”
Chae‑yi thought for a moment.
Then nodded.
“I get it.”
“See?”
Soi lifted her chin proudly.
A strange mix of relief and superiority swelled in her chest.
She thought of it first. And she was the first one Rua hugged.
Before Chae‑yi.
Seeing that expression, a spark lit in Chae‑yi’s eyes.
“So basically, I just have to get hugged too?”
Then she turned around.
Step, step.
Her pink hair swayed as she walked, drawing everyone’s attention.
She stopped in front of Rua, who looked frozen with tension.
So I just have to get hugged?
She organized her thoughts.
Actually, Soi didn’t know this—
But when it came to “being hugged,” Chae‑yi had experience.
When they were very young—so young the memories were blurry—Chae‑yi had hugged Rua many times.
Back then, they had a small height difference.
“Uh, Chae‑yi?”
Rua asked nervously.
Chae‑yi didn’t answer.
Thud.
She suddenly knelt.
“C‑Chae‑yi!?”
Rua jumped halfway out of her seat, but before she could stand—
Thump.
Something fell onto her.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!?”
Soi screamed.
“Hyah!?”
Rua screamed a moment later.
A soft body trembled against her.
And then Chae‑yi realized—
The part of Rua she had fallen onto was… softer than the rest.
And more raised.
Ah.
Chae‑yi’s ears turned bright red.
But she didn’t pull away. It felt too good.
Twitch.
Rua’s body trembled, her fingers shaking.
She didn’t know what to do.
Then slowly—like she had just figured out what Chae‑yi wanted—
Her hands moved behind Chae‑yi’s head.
And gently held her.
She could’ve held tighter, but she was too shy and cautious—very much like Rua.
…No, not exactly.
Because the Rua from childhood had been much more confident.
Could she return to that version of herself?
The one who believed she could do anything?
Even if she couldn’t, Rua was still Rua.
But living in fear forever would be too cruel.
- *
Um… excuse me?
I stared down at Chae‑yi, who had her face buried in my chest, and froze.
Was this really happening?
Because I couldn’t hug people, she wanted me to hug her instead?
Was that really okay? Hugging and being hugged—was there even a difference?
…No.
There was.
Even though I was trembling and my heart was pounding, I wasn’t scared.
Maybe it was the position. Maybe it was my mindset. Maybe I was too shocked to feel fear.
But I knew one thing for sure:
If I didn’t hug her, Chae‑yi wasn’t going to move.
“……”
Carefully, I wrapped my arms around her head.
Her hair was soft. Completely different from the feeling of someone touching my hair—so I could touch hers gently.
And yes, hugging someone felt different from being hugged.
I couldn’t explain how.
But it was.
“……”
Soi’s stare burned into me.
I gave Chae‑yi one last squeeze, then slowly let go.
Chae‑yi lifted her head, eyes full of longing.
“L‑lunch break is… almost over…”
I muttered, looking away with the lamest excuse imaginable.