By Chloe Summers – Bohiney.com Nuclear Lifestyle Desk

Nuclear Ambitions Meet Domestic Confusion

Iran unveiled its much-discussed nuclear launch system this week, only for experts to discover the “button” was actually wired to Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei’s garage door opener. According to leaked schematics, pressing the button simultaneously raises a squeaky metal door in northern Tehran while turning on the living room television to a rerun of Dallas.

Eyewitnesses say the first test ended when a black SUV pulled out, nearly backing into what Iranian media described as a “classified warhead, or possibly a rusty propane tank.”

The Official Explanation

An Iranian spokesman declared the system “100% operational,” adding, “It’s not just a garage—it’s symbolic of opening the gates of destiny.” Western intelligence officials, meanwhile, clarified it’s symbolic of opening “a badly ventilated parking area with oil stains.”

Dr. Brenda Horowitz, a nuclear security analyst at Georgetown University, explained, “The Iranians are masters of rhetoric. They’ve confused a button with a strategy, a remote control with deterrence. It’s less ‘mutually assured destruction’ and more ‘mutually assured car scratches.’”

Polling the People

A snap poll by Middle East Metrics asked Iranians how they felt about their nuclear progress:

32% said “We thought we were getting a Starbucks instead.”
21% replied “Does this mean my garage finally gets Wi-Fi?”
47% declined to answer, citing “opener-related fatigue.”

One anonymous staffer admitted the confusion stemmed from a “clerical error,” where “Launch Command Center” was accidentally mistranslated from Farsi as “Two-Car Garage.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Iran thinks they’re building a bomb, but so far all they’ve invented is a universal remote. Next step, they’ll accidentally nuke the Roku.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“This is why you don’t let your cousin wire the button. Next thing you know, you’re invading Israel by accident just trying to open your trunk.” — Ron White

“If Iran’s garage door is a weapon of mass destruction, then my HOA is a war criminal.” — Sarah Silverman

Cause, Effect, and Absurdity

Iran’s leadership insists that, like all great innovations, the garage-door-bomb will evolve into something fearsome. But critics say the only evolution so far has been “from garage door to slightly dented garage door.” One eyewitness swears he saw the button also trigger a 1980s-era blender inside the kitchen, making what state media declared a “truly revolutionary banana milkshake.”

Defense analysts warn of a slippery slope: “Today it’s a garage door, tomorrow it’s the washing machine. Before you know it, Iran has nuclear-powered laundry.”

Conclusion

Iran’s nuclear button is less about apocalypse and more about domestic convenience. If war does break out, it won’t be Armageddon—it’ll just be Tehran’s longest-running episode of Home Improvement.

Disclaimer

This story is entirely a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. It does not constitute foreign policy advice, but it may explain why your garage door just mysteriously opened. Auf Wiedersehen.

Edit

Pub: 29 Sep 2025 09:56 UTC

Views: 1