I've never been to a pep rally...

And I'm really sad because of it.


This is a vent, and possibly triggering, so you don't have to read this if you don't want to.

And many of you may know, I've struggling wuth depression on-and-off for the past five-ish years. It's usually more off than on, but when it comes, it hits me like a bus and kicks my ass.

One thing I've been concistantly struggling with, especially recently, is the thought of getting older, and spefically being forgotten. It's part if why I'm so desperate to have me and my work be popular: so I'll be remebered.

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For a little context, I'm fourteen. I'm turning fifteen in three months, it's 10/4 and my birthday is 01/10. But I often feel quite a but older than that. See, for evey birthday I've ever had, I've always been excited to be a year older, but not this year. I don't want to be fifteen, and turning eighteen terrifies me.

I used to be a very different person from who I am today. I was pretty, I was one of the most popular kids in school, and always the smart kid, I was even in the Gifted and Talented program. Now, I'm a shy, recluse, who's addicted to my flashing screens.

It's not like a don't have a life. I have friends now that I didn't and most likely wouldn't've had then. I'm in a theater group for the third or fourth year in a row, I was in Cotilion for a season, and I'm in the National Junior Honor Society.

But, sometimes I'm jealous of younger me... Often, actually.

I was happier, probably smarter, more polite, confident, and kinda just better. I began an online life very early. I remeber it very well. I was nine. My older sister by eight years often read fanfiction, and I decided I wanted to, too. I went into the kitchen to ask her where to look for it. My mother said 'wait just a minute, let's talk about this' I panicked and just said I wouldn't and left. But I did. I vividly remeber the fist fanfiction I ever read. It was a Zutara oneshot on FanFiction.net. I red another chapter and something, then the third thing I read was a smut oneshot. I didn't really understand it at the time, so I just moved on.

Anyways, I had said I wouldn't read fanfiction, so it was now a secret. This was the first big secret I had ever had.

I contined this for a few months, reading mosly Zutara, PJO, and Harry Potter stuff. Then, I felt really guilty and stopped for a while. When I was ten or eleven, I picked it up again. I think it was around the time COVID hit. You see, when COVID hit, all schools became virtual. I started spending a lot of time on my computer. I tried to go back to public school, but I got exposed and was quarintined. The second time this happened, my mom was done and we switched school to another public school, but it was a completly virtual school. I was now techically homeschooled.

I lost commections with most of my friends and started spending a whole lot of tome online, and it's been that way ever since.

I've made some new friends, and for a while, back in what I call my Chronically Online™ era (circa 2021-2023), I was really happy. I spent much of my time on Quotev reading and role playing and making good friends. But the Quotev shut fown their social features in July and something changed. I downloaded and copied as much info and records as I could, and that gave my a lowkey cripping fear of needing to document things. It also increased my fear of being forgotten by time from a linging worry to an issue that I struggle with almost daily.

I feel like time kinda stopped when I started being homeschooled? If that makes sense? I feel like it was two years ago, my Chronically Online™ era was last year, and if I can make it a little longer, I can get back to who I was before. But that was elementary me, and now I'm in high school (which I still don't believe).

Which brings me to my opening sentance, "I've never been to a pep rally." I think I may have been to some of my siblings' pep rallies (I have three living siblings who are ten, nine, and eight years older than me), but I've never been to one of my own. As in, I never had that experience. I mever had the 'middle school experience' because I was being homeschooled. So far, I'm not getting the 'high school experience', which is supposed to me one if the most memorable and formatable years of your life, and I'll probably not get the 'college experience' either, if I can even afford college.

I feel like I've wasted my childhood, I feel like I'm wasting my life. The future terrifies me.
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Also, I started playing Twisted Wonderland like the year it came out, so it holds a special meaning for me, that's why I'm so normal about Lilia Vanrouge.

Oh, and another thing! Part of the reason I often feel much older than I am, is beacuse-- one, I was always 'mature for my age' as a kid, and two-- I would simp for teenager and adult when I was very young, so I would like, mentaly age myself up.

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Pub: 05 Oct 2024 01:09 UTC

Views: 40