Notes past archive
Oldest —> Newest • undated


Happy NY(E). get gayer and more nonsensically lorcarsque in this year of our lord 2026. I'm beginning to understand more and more with each passing year that Literature is just man's outlet for pseudoabrahamic spirituality and unresolved Camusian absurdism. I hope this page is published posthumously and everyone remembers me as a quasipsychotic homosexual censorship victim. Except the censorship is in my Head


^ HELLO? WHO SAID THAT


I keep forgetting to write in here. I have a bearblog would you want to see it


You won't. I finished Lorca's biography and now I finally understand the title of that production. They didn't let him confess himself or see the moon. I'm Devastated truly I need to die and be buried underground (NOT LIKE HIM... WOW... WHY WAS THAT?) Anyway now I'm not the same person and I will scream about how they killed a genius at every chance I get. I've been yearning really badly for a Lorca ita bag, it's been a theoretical concept in my head for a lot of time. My birthday is too far away and my Saint day is even farther so I can't justify having somebody buy me a pin maker or a bag but I'm truly so obsessed with the idea that I may very well drop 100€ on the damn machine myself. God knows I love him that much. God knows I love the republic that much. WHAT HAPPENED IN 1934 IN MY REGION WAS THE UPRISING OF WORKERS AGAINST THE CO-ALLIED RIGHT AND IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN IN 2027 DON'T LET RIGHT-WING PROPAGANDA FOOL YOU INTO THINKING IT WAS AGAINST THE REPUBLIC. I'm very out of my material because I keep thinking about death and things of that sort. I should remake this page. I need a lot of money right now.


Wow that made absolutely no sense. As you can see I'm experiencing humanity to its fullest extent. I'm finishing up Fuenteovejuna for the 125826th time. Who doesn't love civil uprisings?
On a slightly more serious note (not really), I feel a little behind lately on lorcaesque & dalinian things. I really should lean fully into myself but work and other things have held me up. It will all come back soon though! As it often does. I just have to be careful and not forget all the wonderful things I know.
We don't talk about what Spain/Lorca/Dalí could've been in this house (i start crying) or about the upcoming elections (i start screaming) or about death (i start vomiting)
I've been investing a lot of my time thinking about terrorism and separatism though. More on that later


^ I lied. I just remembered I can put whatever I want on here though.
«—Nuestra gente es gente buena; nuestra gente es bondadosa... Ruguen a Dios por que algún día no toda la gente buena sea pobre. Rueguen a Dios por que algún día un niño pueda comer.
Las asociaciones de propietarios sabían que algún día cesarían las plegarias.
Y ése sería el fin.»

• Uvas de La Ira, J. Steinbeck. pg 303-304 so I don't forget.
I'm enjoying it.


We are all losing literacy and other things. The monotony of life and the feeling that you will never really get anything more out of this... it is Eating me Alive personally. I mend it by engaging with my interests but I feel those are losing themselves! I need to get back on track. I need some sort of audience.


I'm in Italy. How are you? I love my boyfriend. Life has been breathed into me. I remember writing that expression sometime earlier but I don't remember where. Anyway, I love my boyfriend. You really grow to cherish things when you stop getting inside your own head. I'm honestly marvelled at my own ability to let go a bit, finally. It'd been so long! When I'm back in Spain, I'll gather everything into my hands and kiss it.
I'm looking for someone to bless a rosary I just bought near the Vatican. It's real damn hard.
A lot of Spaniards in Rome.
Live laugh love


Bittersweetly heading back to Spain and hitting my head against a brick wall. It seems as though I'm beginning to understand myself a lot more. This has been a tremendous change and I've noticed. Am I becoming a functioning member of society, finally? Who knows — regardless, my heart is still in the same places, I think. I think I'm just happy. It's superfluous and futile to attribute certain fixed characteristics to oneself. I believe I've (inadvertedly) eluded mine during this time, and it's thrown me off. Maybe I'm not as [X] a person as I thought I was. We all are a little bit of the alphabet. How could I have failed to realise such a thing?
There's a lot of culture around this. Putting people into boxes. I suggest you be like a cat; get into it, but only to scratch at its rims and crevices.
I :heart: my loves.


When a man thinks he has nothing to think about Except Thoughts. • I'm back in Spain and I do Not want to go back to my usual routine. It was a wonderful trip. Now I need to get my shit back together. Anyway... My mind is empty. Reading Steinbeck again good lord ♡ ugh. Full of love and also a bit of nausea. Prime human state. I'll scream a little and then we can all get more attuned. I'm dying for a bit of attention today which is strange since I have nothing to really say. I think I'm just happy/conflicted about being back home and I don't know how to voice it. Well... pretend I wrote some amazing reflection on change and new experiences. I'm gonna go take a nap.


Strange feelings somehow. I'm so glad to be away from all that. I think I'm just drowsy. Somewhat excited for tomorrow, I suppose?


Hay mucha violencia en nuestro mundo. Me siento extraño y no me gusta lo que estoy comenzando a pensar. En fin, buenas nuevas a nuestros aliados. :flag_es::flag_tr:


It's interesting how I tend to lose myself and inadvertedly come in and out of consciousness every now and again. I'm forgetting a friend's name. I give myself over so fully and intrinsically to my passions that it's nearly impossible to discern me from them, conceptually; that can often lead to issues for me, though. What would I be if not constantly searching? I'm plagued by my own nature, just a little bit. I'm tired of scratching and biting at wires in hopes of something more. Perhaps this is really all there is, and we'll all just rot into the ground. That can be comforting as well. I'm derivating a lot into Spinozian thought. Nature is God, God is Nature, the Laws of Nature are the Laws of God. Everything is determined. Somewhere out there, there's the perfect combination of characters and words to narrate your entire life, from beginning to end. To some people that defines a limit, but honestly, I don't know what else to conclude! This is just human life. Pope Francis said he hoped Hell was empty — I think that right now, I hope for it to be full; full of these pseudointellectuals who think they have the right to skip over whatever and whomever. No man should have that much power.
I conclude: I'm becoming increasingly more communist and full of venom. I don't know whether to fear or hope for war. What would fix this? More death? I doubt it, but I wish for it (selectively). These people deserve to get bitten back — Spain is biting back.

God bless the Socialist Party.


^ I don't truly know what this past entry was meant to convey beyond the fact that I feel like I'm running out of time! I'm happy. I jump from topic to topic like always. I have so much to do and so little time, as always. Time time time. The only thing keeping me grounded is the pure inertia of doing nothing. Yet I feel as if I'm achieving it all; very strange and corrosive and moreover surreal. But I'm happy. There's bursts of upset, but in the midst of all there's this love that I haven't felt in a long time. It's been a long, long time. I want to cradle everything I feel and cup it in-between my hands and stare, make out all the little details...
It's all very strange. Behind my eyes, my desire to burn; behind that, an unwavering love, buried during some summer. Is this truly a lorcaesque experience? :eyes:
I yearn for that Spain, for a Spain that's been dead a long time now. For the España vacía but in a different way. Now, everything's supercharged with a culture that isn't mine. For the red Spain, a Spain grazed by the Sun, a Sun that welcomes and embraces and doesn't burn anyone except for maybe some day in August, and I'll be inside that little flat, and as I stare down the window I will count the divots on the unpolished ground. I want to feel at home again.
I've been thinking a lot and not expressing it at all. <- Weird. I think I want home. I need somewhere to divert all this love and melting affection to. I've been screaming at my boyfriend that I love him every single second of my life. I don't know how he doesn't get tired of me. I don't know how I'm managing to keep this up. I'm so utterly terrible at loving people -- not even in an edgy way, it's just a rare ocurrence -- and I often find that I really just resent the people I get into relationships with for taking up too much of my time.
But I find that I want him to take up too much of my time. I wish he could... I wish I wasn't as busy.

I'm tired and happy and beginning to figure something real about what's truly inside me. I need to keep this to myself, encircle it somehow. Prevent it from getting out. Enjoy it as much as possible, if it lasts at all.


I forget things very often. I'm disheartened by the news. I remember yesterday and I smile. It's truly miraculous how I'm able to smile at such a thing. I should be embarrassed. But I'm happy yet again. I don't know! Perhaps I'm just uninhibited, or the stress has overcome me and now I'm in some transcendental state. I'm full of love as usual but also the unyielding sadness (that I think we all have at the moment). I'm upset. I'm happy. I've forgotten. I don't know if that's a bad thing. The days pass me by. I'm just simply not in the thick of it yet.

It all seems so minuscule now. In the midst of all this love, it's so minuscule now. In the midst of all this suffering, it's so minuscule now.


Brauch Spinoza was right about everything. I'm about to become the 2nd (good) Catholic republican¹ after Federico García Lorca. YET AGAIN BEING HIM ONCE AGAIN. The Lord should strike me down.

I'm reading about the crisis of 1898 because I love my life and my country and my boyfriend and I'm so happy I'm tingling all over... I'm reconnecting with my nerd ass interests again ohhhh hell yeah. The world wants to see me win. The Lord loves me. The chad Krausist vs the beta oligarchist Catholic <- that just popped into my head and I needed to say it. Real ones are radical pantheists though.

¹The permanent Spanish Republican urge of throwing up at the thought of getting associated with the U.Sian Republican Party.


Beginning to get into the thick of it. Once I get a few things out of the way, I'll be able to let everything absorb me as usual!
I'm being surprisingly disciplined. I feel a little out of it, but it's probably just the whirlwind of it all. So many things to do... So many things...
I want to translate again..., I don't have the time, of course I don't. But all this Reinassance talk, I'm itching for it.
Everything's faring fairly well, save for the stress and lack of time. It's okay; it'll be over. I know I'm on the right track. Just a little more. I'm mellowing out, but I'm not sad. I love my boyfriend so much... I love Evek too; I'm sad they're having a hard time. They've been my best friend for so long. Must be eight years or so now. Ahhh, that's crazy.
I have some complicated feelings for the rest. But I love my boyfriend. And I love Evek. And my boyfriend and my best friend, and that's what brings me comfort and joy right now. I love them so much!
That's all for now. Sometimes, it's the simple things. When you're busy, and you have a bit of a headache...

I won't let myself get upset over the natural course of things. If it happens, it was meant to happen. I feel God everywhere. I'm content.


Go go go. Machinery now. I feel behind, but I'm not. It's just hard to think with this little sleep. Reaching my arm out for something... Feels like the prime time to...

My mind is someplace else. I'm just drowsy. God is everywhere... Just fainter when all I'm touching is paper. Love is everywhere. I held a friend's hand today, and he placed his other one over mine, and gripped it until that damned old man stopped talking. I'm so glad he gave in! Otherwise we would've asphyxiated. Anyway, I held his hand today. It made me feel better. That's what Love is, I think. Sounds a bit selfish. But honestly, I just don't love him Enough. You should see me head over heels. I think about my lover(s, whenever there's multiple) to the point of absolute insanity. It comes and goes, but when I'm in a real honeymoon phase, I become a truly unbearable, sugar-coated excuse for a person. I chase and yearn and excitedly exclaim about everything. It's a real transformation, you know.
Then I mellow out. I still Love and Love over the damn sky. My boyfriend should know. I tell that man I love him more often than I say Hello or Thank You to people in a day. It's truly embarrassing. He doesn't mind, just like he doesn't mind my incoherences about 1898 Catalunya. Sometimes I make the mistake of asking inwardly, to myself, how he could love somebody like Me. The truth is, I'm not all that bad.

When you love someone, you tend to idealise... think about Petrarchism, to a degree. I'm quite Petrarchist I'm really not. I'm quite Catholic, and that's my issue. I see God everywhere. I project God onto everything. I project God onto whomever and I divinise and I untangle a little... But then I straighten out.

Nobody really is God, except for God Himself. I need to remember that. God is in everywhere and everyone. He isn't Them. They aren't Him. I don't have a particular need to bow down to anyone (unless I want to) because nobody is above me. Not even if I love them. Not even when I love them with all my heart. I'm still a person! You are too, you know. I feel like we often forget about that in the midst of all this chaos.

I've written for too long!


Things I've noticed: I'm easily irritable. I'm very hungry. Caffeine is not really working.

I'm happy. Spoke with my boyfriend about History... Now I'm tired. A lot of work. I'm anxious but that's just because I took a shit ton of caffeine earlier. It's weird. I'm not awake, but I have the jittery feeling I get with caffeine. All of the bad and none of the good, essentially.

...Lost my train of thought. Whatever; I'm slightly irritated. More like a mix of overwhelmed + poor sleep + caffeinated. Want to read/write/translate more but today I got home at 8pm and just laid in bed doing nothing for a mandatory ~30m before I could bring myself to even text anyone.

Don't know if it's Tuesday or Wednesday. God is everywhere but I'm too drowsy to see Him. I love my boyfriend. He's the only one I could bear to consistently text today. I'm so tired, really... It sucks. I feel like I'm unable to do the things I like. I'm somewhat content still, and during the day I'm my usual self. But at night, I'm so tired... I'm a nightmare to be around past 8.


I'm so glad to be away from all that nowadays. Honestly, I should fully give it all up. Not for now, though. For now, we'll see how it goes.

Uneventful day otherwise. I had some fun. But I really am tired. I really am...

I Love so much. I'm a bit distant. I Love a lot regardless. I Love everyone who comes into my life. I Dream and I Love. Nobody will ever be able to take that away from me. Nobody... I Love like I love God. I'm not devoid of hate like I thought before; hate is a strong word, but I feel strong things. Just like love. Love is a strong word. But a natural word. Just like hate and like fear and like desire. Strong words... Natural words. Just like God.

When all of this is truly done, I will read Spinoza once again. I want to scratch, dig into the walls of life, find God in every corner. Find Nature in every corner. Thus, find Love in every corner.

I Love because... it is natural. Because God is Natural, and Love is Natural. And since God is nature, and God is love, Nature is love. Isn't that so precious? I'm falling asleep as I write this. I love you.


Full of love once again. Life breathed into me once again. Called with boyfriend, did nothing (as a celebration for getting through That... and the oh-so terrible week I'm yet to experience). It's exam season! Whether teacher or student, we all suffer it, don't you think we don't. I'm both at the moment, so you can imagine that I'm bursting at the seams with tasks. I think I'm made of paper and red ink.

Either way, today I took a day off. It felt incredibly nice. I didn't even push myself to do a single good thing. Which in hindsight, perhaps isn't all that good and doesn't necessarily encapsulate what a Rest Day should be. But — I didn't even read or watch an interesting film or play videogames. I truly ceased to exist. Slept, watched absolutely brain-rotting media for what must've been way too many hours. Called my boyfriend, talked about nothing, nothing at all. No enrichment, not a smidge. Not a drop. I'm so content. Regardless of this wholly unproductive, admittedly stupid day — I'm so content. It was not even to Rest; more so to feel the vicious joy of doing Nothing, to just Not Work The Mind, beyond resting it (from specific stressors). It's an Absolute day off from existence. And it was the most satisfying thing I could've done, I'm sure of it.

I'll be having an arduous week (plus whatever is left of this one); but, who cares? I was free today, I'm happy. I love my boyfriend, I love every drop of him. It's astonishing just how endearing he can seem to me by being his usual self. I was so tired all the way through our call, and he was so benevolent with me and entertained my clear and perhaps subconscious tendency towards doing Absolutely Nothing. I got Nothing from today except for yet another fun little exchange with him and a fiery reminder of just how much we love each other — I'd say that's still a pretty big thing!

I prayed to God today; I'll maybe go to church on Sunday, even if just to get my rosaries blessed. I'm happy with this reconnecting I've been having... With everything; God, Nature, Love... <- All the same thing either way!

Oh, goodnight!


Anxious day. Bad day, I think. Not terrible, and I know, but my brain's making it all spiral in its usual ways. I'm just overloaded, and it's hard to think through the fog of it all. I taught more than usual today, then... I forget. I haven't done much, except the usual and a little bit more. Yet I'm anxious. I'm... It's Strange to Write.

I should put my mind to something else. Unbearable inertia at the moment.


Do not ever stop loving. Do not ever stop. It's the last thing they can take from you; your Faith and your Love, which is really all just the same thing. Do not let them take it away! Do not let them take your Hope away! Hope is Faith, Faith is Love. Never stop Hoping, Trusting, Loving, with all your heart. Never stop falling back on it. Never stop. It's not a hindrance. It's what makes you human. By God, never stop; never stop even if it kills you, because to be alive and devoid of any Hope or Faith or Love, whichever name you choose for it, is Equal if not Worse than being dead! Never let anyone take away your Hope..., your Faith for something better, bigger, something Different, something just as Mundane but Shifting. Do not ever let them stop you from pouring every ounce of your Heart out into every person you meet. Do not let yourself die without making it known that you've lived for those that you love...!

And never stop Hating, for it is a necessary critical edge. All in all; never stop Believing. Believing Things, Believing In Things. Build it up. Squeeze your heart with your bare fist. Never stop Feeling, Never Stop. Feeling is Art.


^ Wow I was really feeling it there. Anyway. A lot of inertia. Full of love as always but noticing... Seeing...

Oftentimes you won't be rewarded back for what you give. For how you Love. Oftentimes people won't Love like you do. They won't love as Feverishly, as Wholeheartedly, as Religiously. Their Love won't be as intertwined with whatever Yours is — God, Pleasure, Universality — Whatever reason you love for, oftentimes theirs won't be the same. Oftentimes they won't fully Understand your Love. They might not even know the Extent of your Love. You'll see that and think "I must stop". You'll think "I must step back". Oh, but you musn't.

You don't Love to be Loved back, do you? Surely, it's nice. Surely, you Want it. But it's not the reason you Love, is it? You Love because it's in your Nature. You Love because God is Love. You'll Love for many reasons; people Love for reasons even I don't understand.

You Love, your Love is yours. It's nobody else's. It's nobody's place to dictate When, Where, How, Who you Love. Even if the other person Loves You Back — they won't do it the same way You do. We're all Different. But don't ever be discouraged because of that. Don't ever think your Love is too much. In this terrible, coarse world, no Love is too much. It's always not Enough. Keep, keep, keep Loving. Keep on giving your heart over. Keep on screaming it from the rooftops. Keep on telling anybody and everybody. Keep, keep, keep Shamelessly Loving.


FUUUCK my other entry deleted. Whatever happy Sunday. I died today.

This was so fucking funny

Being a Spinozian Catholic and also terribly gay = loving yourself and everybody else.


That eternal fountain is hidden,
for I know where her permanence is,
Although it is night.

Its origin I do not know, for it has not one,
though I know that all origins come from her
although it is night.

I know that such a beautiful thing cannot be
and that skies and lands drink from her
although it is night.

Well I know that she is not found on the ground
and that no man can cross her,
although it is night.

GGGGGGG IM INSANE ABOUT SPANISH REAINASSANCE LITERATURE. IT IS MY LIFE. I'M BEING VERY AUTISTIC ABOUT IT TODAY. I LOVE IT. LOVE. Let me tell you how much I've come to love you since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word 'love' was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles it would not equal one one-billionth of the love I feel for humans at this micro-instant. For you. Love. Love. I'M FULL OF SPINOZIAN PSEUDOABRAHAMIC LOVE. GOD CAME DOWN AND TOLD ME TO BE ABSURDLY INFATUATED WITH THE WORLD HE'S CREATED. I'M IN LOVE WITH EVERY LITTLE PIECE OF THIS FLAWED WONDEROUS HOME AND EVERYONE WHO INHABITS IT! THE LORD MADE US TO LOVE. LISTEN TO ME I'm experiencing spiritual ecstasy every second of the day. I'm officially insane but I love you. When I go on holidays I'll be very much normal. But right now I'm in love with you.


¡Ay, qué trabajo me cuesta
quererte como te quiero!
Por tu amor me duele el aire,
el corazón
y el sombrero.
¿Quién me compraría a mí
este cintillo que tengo
y esta tristeza de hilo
blanco, para hacer pañuelos?
¡Ay, qué trabajo me cuesta
quererte como te quiero!

¡He de morir de amor! It's truly that easy. I've figured it all out. I'm no good at actual relationships as much as I am good at loving. To be good at loving I'll equate to being easily swayed by Love and her consequences. <- which is Me. Because the Lord has blessed me with the ability to fall in Love with Everything around me. Thank you Thank you. It's all a spiral. Either way what I mean is that I don't actually know how to uphold my relationships as much as I just say I Love You every few nanoseconds. That's fine because I grew up in the core of God's heart (Spain) wherein we are known for being warm to an honestly invasive, asinine, pseudocultural level which scares off normal people. But Outside of Spain it's not very Normal. And that's why I Die, you know. I need to Profess my love. I need to scratch and bite about it. I write about it, I tell and have told all my international friends and lovers All About It despite our cultural differences. But Alas, I always feel like I'm not being met at the same level. It's something so intrinsic to us and so embedded in our general culture and lifestyle. You'd think I'm insane (I sort of am, admittedly. You wouldn't be too far off for that one) but I'm being serious.

All this to say: I love you beyond everything! Please know I'm not exaggerating these. I really am just a branwashed Spinozian. Oooh. But it's all worth something if that means I can love so deeply and feel so connected to everything.

375 views who the fuck is checking this?


382 views hello little critters.

Plagués a Déu que com jo us mane
vós me manàsseu.
Seria ma sort, per si us engane,
que m’ho provàsseu:
que en vida i mort tot só de vós,
ànima mia.
La nit i el jorn, quan pens en vós,
mon cor sospira.

My Catalan is rusty as actual hell. Reading comprehension is fine but I can barely get a few words out lately. I've been hyperfocusing in German too much. Sorry.
I need to get back into it. It's so wonderful. I need to learn Asturian too, someday. I really can read both already #Autistic but I. The whole Building Sentences thing...
Whatever. Umm. Love. Do not let your Anger turn into Hate. Or if you do... Do not let it leak out onto your loved ones.
I've been feeling a lot of Anger towards the world. These entries make it seem like I'm some dumbass who can't realise the crisis we're all knee-deep in. I really am not; I'm trying to rationalise it, though. I keep reading, reading, reading. I keep looking back on History. Nothing's working.

Yet I am still full of Love. How? Mm. Who knows. This year I've been having a lot of reconnections... With a lot of things. And people. And disconnections, too. I trip. Sometimes I fall and sometimes I clumsily stumble forward. Sometimes I gather up all my strength, and I jump, and I still fall. That's fine. Because Love is like having that path you're stumbling and falling on made of cushion. Or something like a gymnastics mat. You'll still probably get scraped up sometimes. Sometimes you'll even fall on an unprotected spot and get really hurt. But there's always more padding awaiting for you. Sometimes you'll fall and rebound entirely because of them.

What a shitty fucking metaphor. :sob: I'm really loopy. Still a lot to do. I pretend I'm some put-together guy with his life figured out, but it's really not like that. I've got 4 big ass to-dos for Friday. The Lord is only by my side sometimes (or seems to be). Sometimes I clutch my rosary and I'm not even upset, I just say «I need some damn help», lol. He usually listens; I've been adequately rewarded so far. Thank you, my Lord.


Tired. Loving regardless. My boyfriend is cute. I'm descending a bit into madness (progressively). I'll be free soon, just need to chew it all for a few more days. And then I can focus on things that are important. To-do:

  • Read about my '98 loves and/or Spinoza
  • Get all my writing sorted out for boyfriend
  • Not kill myself

No, I'm really fine. Just absolutely exhausted LOL lord bless you all. I love you.


EXHAUSTED. Last push tomorrow. Go go go. Need to stop doubting myself; stressed out over nothing. Breathe. Questioning things I shouldn't be questioning; sleep deprived; need to eat more; haven't connected with hobbies; last push tomorrow.
^ CAFFEINE'S FAULT: REMEMBER NOT TO EVER DRINK IT EVER AGAIN NEVER NEVER NEVER


Forgot to write earlier because I napped for 4 hours. I told my boyfriend I would sleep with him on call but since I'm writing this I'm obviously not sleeping. I'm muted though, he doesn't know that. Just listening to him breathe. That's kind of creepy. It's relaxing, though.

I've spent all of this week dying with work and tasks and... Jesus, God forbid a man wants to listen to his boyfriend breathe for an hour. I'm so tired, not from actual exhaustion anymore, just... I suppose burnout; not as extreme, though, it's just... I don't want to do anything, it's really hard. I still don't have holidays until next week. I was supposed to hang out with people, get moving..., but I'm so tired! I don't want to work my brain.

I think the reason why I'm inclined to call with my boyfriend or talk to him when I'm tired is because he just Talks to me about whatever's on his mind and I get to listen and not Do Anything. I mean, sometimes I have to process things, but usually he shows me something funny or weird and I laugh and go what is that?. I do get really invested in the Twilight Zone, though.

I have Thoughts but I can't put them into words..., I'm a little bit upset, just in general. I'm very relieved and content; but I'm a little upset, I've been ruminating. I'm just really tired. I said I'd catch up with hobbies and friends, but I'm probably not going to have the energy to LOL. My leg hurts. I think I'm having a flare-up. I Need Rest... I just Can't fully disconnect. I'm sure tomorrow it'll all feel better.

He's still breathing...


Sleep call but instead of sleeping you do literally anything else


I do in fact feel better today. Slept (little). Boyfriend was still there when I woke up! That was sweet. I expected him to hang up.
Spacey still. I can remember what I was upset about yesterday, but it isn't really making sense in my head now. Isn't that so silly. I think I was just tired. I couldn't sleep, and I was in pain... I'd skipped my meds, I was just a mess. Remind me to never do that ever again.
I feel way better now, yes. Still tired, but not spiraling anymore. I have... Things Floating in my head. I want to read today. I read a bit of Catcher in the Rye the other day. I'll continue it, I like it. I hope I can buy a copy today; I read it at a library! I never take books out, I'm scared of forgetting them at home and stealing. It happens often. And not buying them would be better monetary-wise, but there's really cheap second-hand books at my capital, so it doesn't break the bank. It does break my shelves, though. I have way too many books, barely any space anymore. But Catcher in the Rye is short; I can afford that.

It's okay, it really is. God has rewarded me for all I've done and I'll see it in due time. It isn't fair to keep ruminating when I know I've done all I could (and it's actually turned out quite well). I can't lose this, all I've built, only because I keep doubting myself. It'd be unfair to me. Pull, focus on everything and everyone. I'm surrounded by love and I couldn't even notice..., I thought I was the one loving all this time. Oh no, I'm loved as well. I'm not a saviour. I'm not meant to spread any agendas. I love, because I love, because it's natural for me to love. And people love me back... because it's natural for them to love. Yes, it all really is like this. I have to stop getting into my own head. It's all like this — it really is. I've done well. I will keep doing well. I've proven to myself that I can do well countless times. I'm a man of reason and logic, thus, that should suffice. Don't let yourself get entangled in whatever bad influences today's day and age entail. Keep loving despite what happens around you... and be aware, don't be ridiculous, that people around you (naturally) love you back. It's ridiculous to assume otherwise. How could I have been so nearsighted?


Too tired to express myself properly, too expressive (excited) to sleep.
Full of love once again. I'm exhausted. I spent the day with a friend. Everything's coming back together... Everything.
I don't remember what I wanted to say. I feel a crushing love but also a crushing need to give myself up for that love. It's irredeemably (how do you spell that? It's too late for this) terrible. I wrote on another entry — I'm a person, despite how much I love. I don't need to debase myself for love. But what if I want to? Perhaps I just need something more, I'm just scratching... Scratching at the corners... Maybe I'm just... In need of Something that isn't like Usual. I just want something new, a novelty, something to excite me, pull me out of this hole... I'm halfway out, but this is like wanting dynamite. I need self-control. I need to remind myself that I'm a human— it's okay. It's okay.

I'm not scared of anyone. I'm not scared. I just need to stand up for myself. I need to stop—I need to focus. I love so much, it's painful. It comes back to bite me sometimes. It really does. I know—I know—what will happen if I let myself get too engrossed on Loving rather than being a person. I know. Everybody knows. He knows. Everybody knows... I can't help but feeling like people want to take advantage of me, even when they don't have a reason to.

I'll edit this later and remove the touchy parts. I needed to dump it all out. Sorry! I'm exhausted.


I don't remember what that was all about. I was really tired yesterday — you know, that's my issue. I write and talk and live tired. And then I wonder why I'm upset or overwhelmed.

I just felt a lot of love and a lot of doubt. It's okay to doubt, really. But right now, I don't feel like changing anything. So doubt will stay as doubt. I need to get better at resting before I talk. I end up talking everyone's ear off. I end up saying odd things. And that's okay to do with, like... My boyfriend and 3 of my close friends. Nobody else needs to be knowing the core of my heart. I don't know if I feel a lot or if I just Love a lot. It's strange because it often feels like a lot of my Love is actually not projected onto people, but other things. I do something that makes me happy..., that I love, and then it becomes easy to tell people I love them. But when I think of them contextlessly, individually, I'm often stumped and struggle to say I love you. Or it gets overshadowed by something else.

I keep thinking about this one thing. Maybe I'll bring it up later. Not now — this is a day for me to fully engage with my hobbies, as I've been needing it.


Once again consumed by the urge to shut everyone out. Terrible terrible terrible. I'm trying to convince myself otherwise because to stray from Love would be to stray from God also—and that's not good. I'm going through some Unamunian spiritual crisis.

Aren't we all going through a crisis right now? It's truly difficult to keep up. I'm tired and trying to seclude myself because that's what's easiest. I know the root of this issue but I refuse to say it out loud, for some reason. I think if I broke it, it would make me feel worse.

Perhaps I wasn't cut out for it, anyway. Maybe I should've waited longer. I'm still full of hate like I was before. I just channel all my energy into God and other related things, and I express all my love outwardly. But I feel like I don't give my hate a voice. Perhaps that's the issue. Maybe I should assert myself more, should be angrier, should be... no, just less passive.

I don't think he... I don't think anybody really understands. I'm circling the drain. I wish I could spark the fire again and delude myself into thinking everything is meant to be... It is meant to be, but maybe it's also meant to end at some point. I need to understand that. I shouldn't bring grace or disgrace onto myself. God does that, not me.

I'm just tired as I usually am. I keep on not sleeping.


Disregard everything I've ever said. To love openly is neccessary in these times and I will come to solve whatever wrongs come my way whenever I want and feel like it. Right now there's no crisis and I'm just inventing it because I keep insisting..., I keep on not sleeping, I keep on not eating, I keep on not talking or not talking about what I should. It's been a stressful month and I need a few days of relaxation and I will grace myself with them! There's nothing petrifyingly philosophical about my life..., it's all a product of my mind, really. I've been struggling to sleep badly and that's my main problem — I keep on not sleeping, and then I spiral, and then I don't sleep because I'm spiraling. It's all a cycle! So tonight I will knock myself out somewhere between 21~22 and rest my brain.

I've been reading about the crisis of 98 (sleepily, so I'm not actually absorbing much). This quote from Azaña — «por encima de la cabeza del cacique esos propagandistas disparan sobre los ciudadanos» — I don't agree, not really, but I recognised it as what it was, as an acknowledgement and denouncement of radicalism. Radicalism, division, etc., the demise of Spain, over and over..., we don't need to unify though, but I won't dwell on my regionalistic insanities for today. I don't want another frustrated revolution as they call it. I want...

I bought What Is There To Do? out of a subconscious inclination towards desperation and burnout with the current political climate. Let us pray to God! I love again, but my body's not on fire this time.


El que tiene alma de santo pero sigue pecando
cuando has mentido por mentir o has mentido por tu verdad
cuando has querido más de lo que Dios te ha querido dar
anudar y desanudar
desnudarse y desnudar

The Lorcaesque insanity is coming back. Finally I feel within my material again. I laughed so much today. I got so many good news today. It all finally makes sense again..., I was right, God would reward me in due time and he has. I'm surrounded by so much love..., nevermind whatever these people say. Nevermind..., I do whatever pleases me with whomever pleases me.

I've been thinking. Why would you care about my boyfriend being a foreigner? What does it matter what he does or where he lives? What's it to you? I don't care about these people, I don't care.
It's interesting..., it's all interesting. I'm surrounding myself with people that aren't... You know, these people aren't fulfilled. These people... They feel no love. No, not any real love. They feel... Hope..., or an Idealised Love. I don't know, don't care who or what they believe in. But they've proven to me that it's empty. Whatever they do believe in is so distorted..., I remember what they both told me, I was so disoriented back then. I kept thinking, how can people live like this? it was a natural display of cruelty and vanity and... So natural, so easily justified, that it scared me! How can you be like that—not only be like that, but be like that and live shamelessly with yourself?

«Tell your boyfriend to—» I will tell my boyfriend that I love him..., because it's natural for me to love him. Loving people like You is... Unnatural, as if forcing your tongue around bitter medicine. I don't want to do it! I don't love you. I don't love them. Not one of them. Not really.

And that's totally fine, I think. I think that's totally fine.


I'd been wondering why I hadn't been sleeping, eating, etc., well..., I felt bad..., my period just arrived. Oh well. God bless. No wonder these entries took a nosedive in joy.


Mira que quiero ser buena
¿No lo ves?

Love Love Love as an abstract concept. I keep talking about it but I never define it in any way. That's truly heresy for me to do as a tried & true linguistics fiend. Anyway, I won't define it. I caught you there, didn't I?

Listen, whatever Love is..., it makes me happy. I can tell when I Love because the left half of my body tingles briefly, bizarrely notifying me by making me stiffen and shiver when I'm out and about. A surely interesting way of expressing what must be the simplest of mental states; I'M EXCITED I'M EXCITED I'M EXCITED. Everything boils down to that. I often am excited because I often am in love. With people, with things... With the most minuscule trivialities. I'm excited for tomorrow because I get to see a friend. I'm excited for Wednesday because the evaluation ends. I'm excited for Thursday because I've got therapy on Thursday. I'm excited for Friday because I'll get a visit. It's so easy to be happy about utter nonsense. It's so easy to be sad about utter nonsense, too. Both happen to me, don't you think they don't. Getting in touch with your feelings is oftentimes more like your feelings touching you (punching you in the face.) It's amusing seeing all these people saying you need to be ~connecting~ to your heart. My heart does not work via Bluetooth. I'll laugh when I feel like it, is that connective enough?


I'M IN PAIN! Good day today. I'm drifting away from things and getting closer to others. Unbearable exhaustion. Just one last push, just one last push. You can, you can...
God, Love as a concept... God as a nondenominational concept. Three days have passed. I don't bother replying to many people. I'm devoid of good things to say despite my content. I don't feel like screaming anymore. I slept last night for the first time in a week and three days. I keep..., I keep on not eating and not sleeping! I look pale. I look quite pale.
I realise now I'm not the person I used to be, but I think it's temporary. I feel now as if though I've come out of a fog, an ecstatic and blinding fog, admittedly. I feel as if I'm progressing somewhere, although it's honestly pretty ordinary. I feel very ordinary. I don't have to feel any other way, it's just — It's strange not being in the clouds, not thinking about whatever ails me at the moment. It was death for a while, then it was love, then it was God, then I merged God and Nature and Love into one Spinozist concept and now it's..., who knows. Love, still? If we're going by how often I think about it, it must be Sleep.

I'm joking. Who knows? I'm pretty ordinary. I'm pretty sleepy, I'm tired all of the time nowadays. I'm content all of the time nowadays.


I'm on some Bullshit. The only way to ever correctly express oneself is through the pure abandonment of normalcy and an intricate metaphor play. I remember when I used to be truly out of my mind, I wrote like nobody had ever written before. I was able to connect things to the most unprecedented of elements. It all felt so natural that I momentarily too, became, just an abstract concept manifested through an otherwise irrelevant and unconceivable object. When I read, I gave myself into it so wholly, it ate me alive and barely left me standing. I don't miss how I felt (how didn't I feel?) but I'm so curious about my waves of ecstasy. This last one was fine. It was okay. It made me feel more connected with God. It didn't make me hide behind any walls made of words. But that last one, from a year ago now—if you asked me to decode my writings from then now, I would be at a loss for words. I was at a loss for words then, too. I think that's why I moved through metaphors. Everything came to me in the shape and taste of godhood... it was a truly out of body experience.


Me diviertes, maybe tú eres el que me libera
Y es que hoy es carnaval, y yo soy de aquí, y tú eres de allá
Lo diré en inglés y me entenderás

Ignore everything. I'm sick. Made some tea. Only have 2 more days of doing things though! God bless. I was losing my mind for a bit there.

Anyway. I could talk about so many things that happened today. I could talk about so many things. I got no sleep last night, I'm sort of dreaming through today. It's nearly 9pm and I have no recollection of anything. I apparently started watching Shakespeare In Love (1999) per my Letterboxd. Okay. Good for my past self.

When I get everything sorted out, I'll read El Maleficio de la Mariposa and be happy and drown myself in absolute madness. I'm itching to let go and submerge into whatever else—I'm so done with everything! I'm done with chasing things. I need to settle down. Settle down.

I will try to get back to translating again. I have a draft for Blood Weddings out there somewhere. I miss Lorca so much. I've been reading only essays and it's sucked the life out of me. I do need some theatre in my life. I do, I really do. Whenever I wrap up De Lara (and perhaps Lenin—though I can read Lenin and Lorca at the same time. It's quite natural), I'll read Lorca again. I'm itching for some Art History, but God knows I'm not withstanding any sort of essay at the moment.

I do need to ask S about books, though. Maybe she can lend me fun things again. I want Dalí... I want Dalí and Goya. I have some Goya lying around. I could do with some Picasso as well. I need to remember the name of that artist—the one who painted elegies to the Spanish Republic of some sort? It was modern art, I remember. But I don't know his name.¹

I'll get Dalí's catalogue raisonne someday and then I can die in peace. Oh! I have to write a letter. I almost forgot.

¹Note: I found the artist. It's Robert Motherwell.
Elegy to the Spanish Republic (1967).


Burnt out from all heavy academics. Only tomorrow and then it's over. I got bad news today but it was a triviality, and overall I've ended well. I've... It's been fine. I'm just so tired.

I'm sick. One last push. One last... It's fine. It's fine...


HOLY HELL! I've slept around 13 hours in total today. I slept for 10, then took a nap of 2. I've skipped, what, 3 days of writing? Whatever it is, whatever I've done—oh, I'm finally a person again. I have an entire week off. An entire week! Good lord, how's that?

I Love so much, I Love so much again. Again. Now I want to read Spinoza again, again. I'm itching for theatre though. I want to read something happy, something about love, something... Lord, whatever, I'll read whatever crosses my mind. I'll read everything. I'm itching for Love. I want to scream everywhere. I'm ecstatic! I'm so groggy, but I'm so happy. I am so happy. I told my friends just how much I love my boyfriend today, I put it all into words, screamed about it. Truly said, I'm ill for him! and they finally understood. They finally understood! Oh, who cares where he lives? He lives on my mind now, all the time, I can assure you.

Either way, I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I just want to read theatre. I will right now. Right now, I'm waiting for my boyfriend to get back so we can call — we're watching a show together — I'm so, so excited. I'm so excited! I'm so happy! Oh lord, I'm someone! I'm someone again! Good lord, I'm in love! That's all..., that's all. I actually have a drive. I'm actually excited. I want to talk to people. It's not exhausting anymore. It's not. It's not exhausting anymore! Oh lord, it's not exhausting anymore! How long it's taken! How happy I am! Oh, good lord, it will all pan out. Nevermind everyone else. Nevermind everything else. Good lord, how happy I am! How happy I am!

This is the time to reconnect with everything and leave everything behind. This is the time! I won't chase anything else. Oh, lord, I won't. God knows I won't. I can do anything now, I can do anything now. It's all here now. I have time now, I have drive now. I love now. Oh, lord, it will all pan out. It's ridiculous to assume otherwise. Lord, it will. It will. I love you.


Tired! Good day. Bought A Midsummer's Dream. Nagging anxiety; will disappear soon.


The happier I am, the less inclined I am to write.

Edit

Pub: 28 Aug 2022 23:00 UTC

Edit: 31 Mar 2026 21:36 UTC

Views: 508