A Back-Kraken' Experience

Scene One

CC is Captain Cunt
L is First Mate Lewis
S is Seaman Smithers
K is Seaman Koller
M is Second Mate Mann
A is an older wahler named Ahab

Twas another day in the life of a Wahler off Tako Island. The SS Essex has caught a lot of squid the past few months and is returning to Port Inuff. Captain Cunt is being as mad as an Egg without someone biting his bait, talking nonsense about some mysterious country called "Mans" that exists on our Ina-Giving Island and that one day he will be the ruler of said island with blackjack and hookers.

The Captain is on deck with First Mate Lewis, Seaman Smithers, Second Mate Mann and an old wahler named Ahab. The conversation about "mans" is still on going, the former two in debating about mans, the second two providing watch and the old man seemingly dozing off next to the mast.
CC:"Oi, don't make me get the brick out you bloody scalawag"
L:"N-no captain, the brick won't be necessary, i just disagree with the conce-"
CC:Hits First Mate Lewis across the head "Never bring up that word every again ya bloody oaf."
S:"C-C-Capt'n. S-s-s"
CC: "Spit it out ya pollywog!"
S: "I th-i-n
CC: Hits him with a brick "Get it together, landlubber."
M: "Captain, we believe that there is a Kraken amogus"
CC: "So ye think do ye? Those things are nuttin' but old sailors talk and things as I see em are just Hunky-Dory, we shall bring her to port in an hour!"
A: "Aye, but tis true Cunt. Kraken haunt these waters and I have seen em meself when i were yet a young laddie trying to capture the damned whale years ago"
CC: "Old coot talking malarky once more, yere were nuttin but a ramblin' begga when ya join me crew and ya still are now"
Suddenly from the Top Mast Koller shouts
K: KRAKEN AHEAD!
M: Aye, at our port side look over there, Captain!
CC: Both of ye be Delusional, but I will take a looky meself to make sure me crew hasn't went down under yet. looks with his looking glass, he sees the massive tentcales closing in on his helpless ship.
CC: "Well call me a wanker and slap me silly! Never would have believed ye until i saw it meself. Batten down the hatches! Trim thee sails and all hands-on deck ya limeys!"
The bell is wrung calling all men into action in their stations.
CC: "Let's see what yer made off ya giant beast"

Scene Two
CC is Captain Cunt
Crew is the Essex's crew as a whole
M is Second Mate Mann
A is an older wahler named Ahab

The kraken moves in rapidly for the kill, eager in its approach to the wahling ship. But the crew is ready for it with harpoons, guns and swords. Suddenly, the Kraken throws two of its tentacles on deck, taking two sailors to their watery grave before more tentacles are thrown on.

CC: "Fire on the bastard, give em no quarter"
Crew: "Aye Aye, Captain"
The Kraken is shot, harpooned and slashed. In pain it takes its tentacles off the ship
CC: "Good work maties, I believe he will be rather lily-livered now?
A: Laughing "This is only the beggin. Tis about to get worse!"
Sure enough the Kraken decides to destroy the ship outright, anchoring itself at the bottom and using its tentacles to start to break the ship apart. The cracking of the hull strikes fear into the crew.
M: "Oh no ya don't ya wicked beast thrusts his spear into the Kraken which cries out in great pain before grabbing him and crushing Mann
CC: "Abandon Ship!"

Kraken

The men start to jump off the ship and swim for their lives, a waterspot arises and picks up some of the men, including Cunt, Seaman Smithers, and Ahab and throws them far away from the Kraken and by chance a Ship's boat. From there, the 3 men climb aboard the boat and watch from a distance. The Captain is speechless and they watch the ship get cracked in half and the men eaten alive by the Kraken.

A: Puts dip into his mount "Not thee old fool ya thought me to be ya rotten seadog? Ah well, we best start rowin' or the Kraken will take us to Davy Jone's Locker too."

The 3 men row for the next three hours into Port Inuff. When they get there, they tell of their fate to the locals, who know all to well of the dangerous beasts in the area. Captain Cunt goes to another bar and rambles for the next 3 hours about Sanalites, Cute Dragoons, Risuners, and mans. He gets into a bar fight with a local offended by his views. Ahab quietly sits in the bar talking to some old seamen about the Kraken while Smithers is never to be seen again, the whole ordeal seems to have driven him insane

FIN.

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Pub: 16 Aug 2022 11:18 UTC
Edit: 16 Aug 2022 11:28 UTC
Views: 529