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Ethics of Conflict In an Online Youth Community

table of contents

YOUTH AND THE INTERNET LANDSCAPE, AN INTRODUCTION
COMMUNITY
Defining Terms
The Benefits in Community
The Set Backs in Community
CONFLICT IN COMMUNITY
Community vs Personal Conflict
How Conflict has Played Out Before And How It's Effected Those Involved
How Does Past Trauma Effect Conflict
How Does Social Capital Impact Conflict
THOUGHTS ON HOW CONFLICT SHOULD BE SETTLED IN OUR COMMUNITY
Facing the Reality of the Situation and Critical Thinking
Appropriate Action
Healing Afterwards
CONCLUSION
REFERENCES

Author's Note Just some quick things before we get started. I know how common hurt is, and I know many people have acted on their hurt in ways I am going to criticize in this essay. If you've done this, I want you to know, it isn't an attack on you as a person. Situations get distressing, things happen. My goal isn't to shame people for what they've done in the past, but to try and learn from their mistakes. You may hear me repeat that later, but I just wanted to say this up front before you close the tab on me.
This essay will have bias in terms of choosing effort into transformation over many things. If you read this as "overly charitable", it's because in some ways it is. I consider myself near extremist when it comes to forgiving everyday people. I know that sounds like a very radical idea to some people, and know that you don't have to agree with me. I can see how other people's perspective can differ from mine and still be valid while I still hold my own. I hope you can take the time to hear me out on this and come to your own decision afterwards.
Also I know, I know the essay format is very fucked up. This is my first time doing something quite like this, I hope to learn how to properly structure things like this in the future. For now try to bare with me though the formal, semi-non, formal stuff.
No glossary, don't be embarrassed to look up words if you need to. No beta reading and a little proof reading. If you notice something off tell me on Retrospring. I'm not too conscientious based on my big five results, which reflects on my spelling at times.

10/29/2024 note I would like to note on the use of the word conflict throughout this essay. As of recent I have realized that the word conflict implies a battle to be won. Disagreements are not a battle, and thinking of them that way will encourage aggression between you and those you are having a disagreement with.

Youth and the Internet Landscape, an Introduction

Humans need social connection to thrive, the lack of it takes a toll on our overall health. It can take such a great toll that who suffer from social isolation are more at risk to premature mortality than those who do not.⁹ Unfortunately, social engagement in the US has been on a steep decline even before the pandemic. A survey done by Cigna states that in 2019 61%, 1 in 3, Americans reported feeling lonely. That's a nearly 10% increase from just the year before when it was 54%. The survey also reports that younger generations are lonelier than older ones. 79% of gen Z and 71% of millennials compared to only 50% of boomers.⁶ People of color also report to be lonelier at higher rates⁵. As much as some of us may want to, we can't just allow ourselves to be isolated and expect a cheeky life. If we've become adverse to in person engagement, where do we go?

Since the rise of the internet, younger people have begun to gravitate toward online interaction as opposed to in person. In 'Teens, Kindness and
Cruelty on Social Network Sites', it says "Fully 95% of all teens ages 12-17 are now online and 80% of those online teens are users of social media sites."⁸ On the internet we have a wider variety of who we can connect with and the lack of the pressure some in person interactions may have. To feel less isolated we join communities that make us feel safe, heard, and understood.

I've spent a lot of my life online (which probobly isn't the healthiest but we'll save that essay for another day). In that time, I've met many people and been many places. Out of all of them, Ponytown has become a safe space for me as someone who dislikes most conventional social media sites. I imagine there's many people who feel at least a fraction of the same considering how tight knit our community can get. Ponytown is one of the of the few multiplayer games with a one server system (addressing the safe English server only, of course). It allows us to see each other regularly enough to build trust. The fact people of so many different races, religions, genders, etc. can feel safe within one community is a wonder on its own.

However, as many benefits the internet has brought to us, it also brings new problems. It opens new avenues for people to be hurt just as much as it opens avenues to heal. Continuing the study from before, it states:

• 88% of social media-using teens have witnessed other people be mean or cruel on

social network sites.

• 95% of social media-using teens who have witnessed cruel behavior on the sites say they have seen others ignoring the mean behavior; 55% witness this frequently.
• 84% have seen people defend the person being harassed, with 27% seeing this frequently.
• 84% have seen others tell someone to stop; 20% report seeing this frequently.

From a personal perspective, teens report this:

• 90% of social media-using teens who have witnessed online cruelty say they have ignored mean behavior on social media, and more than a third (35%) have done this frequently.
• 80% say they have defended the victim; 25% have done so frequently.
• 79% have told the other person to stop being mean and cruel; 20% have done so frequently.

And from a standpoint of people joining in the harassment, teens report this:

• 67% of social media-using teens have witnessed others joining in the harassment they have seen. Teens are more likely to say they see joining in “once in a while” (24%) or “sometimes” (23%), than they are to report seeing it frequently (19%).
• 21% of social media-using teens who have witnessed online cruelty say they have joined in. Most of these teens (12%) say they have joined in the mean behavior only “once in a while,” 7% say “sometimes” and 2% say they have done it “frequently.”

It's important to note that later in the article, it states that 62% of these teens who use social media have their accounts set to private. This means the statistics likely aren't the same for people who regularly engage in an online community where their presence is made public. The study was also done in the early 2010s, meaning it's most likely outdated. The internet has changed a lot since then, and I can imagine how it's changes have effected these statistics. (This entire paragraph was in context of reference 8.) None the less, these statistics worry me, it's not a pleasant starting point to think about.

The internet being a safe space for so many people, what happens when something disrupts the safety? What happens when a harmful actor or a bad influence comes into our community? How do we decide what's a community issues and a personal issue? How do we settle conflict in a way that prevents hurt in the future?
I yearn for the day we don't have to be paranoid about this kind of thing, but until the uncertain future there are going to be people who make others feel hurt, and others who have made those people feel hurt. This essay will contain interviews from people who will be kept anonymous, people who have both been accusers in conflict and the accused. I want to discuss conflict within our community, the ethics of it, and how that relates to how we treat our peers.

Community

Defining Terms

Community as it will be addressed in this essay best fits the following definitions:

  1. A group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society.
  2. An interacting population of various kinds of individuals in a common location.

Going beyond simple definitions, community in this essay will be in reference to those you share a space with for an extended period of time due to one or more shared factors.
Community is not restricted to those you have an strong affinity for. While it is common to have strong affinity to those in your proximity when united by common factors, affinity is usually gained after being in a community + repeated positive experiences over time.

The Benefits in Community

Communities often act as a support group for those within them. They can help protect people from abuse and support them through the healing process afterward. Having that support network around someone can be an easy way for someone to feel less alone, benefiting . While friend groups can do something similar, community can make people feel less isolated on a societal level. This could be considered a result of the increasing isolation people experience in person as they move further into online spaces, as online community can be used as supplement for the lack of that engagement.

Restricting yourself only your friend group often reduce the support behind you to just a few. It's normal in life to encounter issues that go beyond something you can just tell your friends. Things you worry will effect you again and your friends are not in the position to protect you, Things you worry will hurt others if not brought to a wider attention. Not only that, but it is not a guarantee your friends will know how to properly handle every situation life throws at you. With a community around you, you can hear multiple perspectives and experiences related to yours. Community can also be a place to go when conflict arises within your close social circle, it can be a neutral point for comfort and guidance.

The Set Backs in Community

As much as community can be a safe space to prevent harm, it can also be a space that enables it. An article I read mentioned the fact communities, while they can foster safety for those victimized, they can also incentivize people to excuse prominent figures within the community who participate in harmful conduct ². It's important to note, the article was referring to anarchist communities, in which by default there can be pressure to support each other for the sake of a cause. We don't have a cause, there's no major motivation for us to excuse peoples actions to keep things together. If we're able to navigate situations properly, we should be able to confront people about things without being worried about them leaving. If they leave it's their choice, and serves no consequence to us or some larger movement. It's also important this same exact thing can happen amongst friends, no one is immune to bias. The one prominent difference is that when a community exhibits enabling behaviors, it can be more distressing for a victim, as it can feel they have no where to turn to.

CONFLICT IN COMMUNITY

"It is argued here that the achievement of supportive communication online, and the qualities of supportive communication a community develops, depends on how the community manages the inevitable expression of doubt and disagreement and the potential for differences, that arise from the complexities of supportive communication, to escalate into social conflict" (Aakhus, M., & Rumsey, E. (2010))⁷

Community VS Personal Conflict

The first thing key to solving conflict in communities online is understanding when community should be involved. As much as community is important, community is not always the only or best answer to settle conflict. Your community will not always know enough about a situation to make the best decision. Some things are personal matters. But what does that mean? how do you tell the difference? and what happens if we don't?

This is a list of the traits I believe distinguish a personal conflict from a community conflict.

Traits suggesting a personal conflict include:

  • The conflict not directly involving people outside of who the accuser or accused personally know.
  • The conflict only affecting only those known personally by the accuser or accused.
  • The conflict only holding concern to those within personal bounds.
  • The conflict being in reference to the accused being a bad influence only to those they know personally.
    In clearer terms, this often applies to falling outs in friendships.

While traits suggesting a community conflict include:

  • The conflict directly involving people in the community outside of those who know the accuser or accused personally.
  • The conflict affecting those in the community and not knowing the accuser of accused personally.
  • The conflict threatening to go outside personal bounds. i.e. the justified belief that the accused is starting to affect the community.
  • The conflict being in reference to the accused being a bad influence on the community.
    In clearer terms here, this often applies to cases of harassment.

It's to be noted that conflicts are often more complicated than this strict binary. falling out of friendships and harassment aren't necessarily always two separate things, You can have a conflict that both involved the community and your own personal conflict. However, being able to distinguish the two can help us decide on the proper course of action moving forward. You can always separate courses of action based on what problem you're dealing with, we can focus on two things at once. Mistaking one for the other can resolve badly.

Presenting a personal conflict to a community can make people think they do know enough about the situation to decide action, as interviewee #1 points out:

I believe that the community should play a role to an extent. I think they should influence other people to take action and do what they think is right, but to not get themselves too involved into the situation. If people who weren't involved originally got involved too much, then I think that it might lead to confusion of who was actually affected, and who was not.

People are going to rely on the information you tell them, regardless of how brief or extensive that information is. No matter how much information you give people they will never know exactly what your personal situation was like because they were not directly involved in that way. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, you should be able to voice your experiences to others whether or not they can fully empathize. The problem comes when people fall into the habit of thinking that they do.
When you present something like this, as a community problem and not a personal problem, most people will make the connection that it does involve the community regardless of your intent.

This itself is an issue that resides in the community as much, if not more, than it resides in the person presenting personal as community conflict. Those affected by the actions of the accused should not have to stay silent out of fear of others not being able to control themselves. I hope this essay influences people to think more critically about their course of action when made aware of these kind of things, but I also think we should be just as aware of how revealing personal conflict to the public can affect the accused.

How Conflict has Played Out Before And How It's Effected Those Involved

In order to properly assess how to deal with conflict, it's important to look back on how conflict has been handled before, and the benefit or detriment that has been had in result.

Conflict is messy by nature, especially in a community comprised of people still in the process developing life skills in general. I think we forget that a lot and try to strongly hold others to the highest standard. While standards are necessary to some extent, we should know how to hold people to standards and leave room for other things. Things such as personal growth and the emotions felt by either party involved, those things often left on the side lines.

This isn't just personal observation. In reference 7, 'Crafting supportive communication online', a back and forth interaction in an online cancer support group is examined. It starts off with a mother, Susan, venting her frustrations about her experiences with her sons chemo therapy. It progresses to someone, Karen, responding by putting Sue's character as a person and her competence into question pertaining to the contents of her vent.⁷ (Please read the article for full context, not only is the article amazing but it will give your further insight than I'm giving here for this specific topic.)

The contributions in the initial clash reveal differing orientations toward the activity in which the community is involved. The responses to Sue offer advice, provide information, and challenge assumptions but do not appear designed to encourage her to further express negative feelings or otherwise vent her emotions. Karen’s message clearly minimizes or denies Sue’s experience while the other messages may perform a similar function by not opening up space for Sue to talk about her emotions. (Aakhus, M., & Rumsey, E. (2010)⁷

I think in these moments we can tend to get tunnel vision. When we see or realize something that upsets us, we prioritize trying to correct that before considering what things are like from the other persons perspective. We don't consider what they may be feeling, why they said that, and how that effects the bigger picture of what they have said or done.

In further my interview with #1, who identified themself as having been in the accuser role, I asked the question:

"You said the accused had the reaction of "bitter, angry, and ignorance." Has there ever been a conflict you've been involved in that settled by the community that didn't end in the accused having this reaction? If so, what do you think made it different?"

And interviewee #1 answered

"No, no not really. They've always been a bitter, and angry person, so they absolutely refuse the answer "Well I don't agree with you", any disagreement they'd shoot down, ignore, or just straight out attack that person in DMs. If they weren't angry, they were guilt tripping people into believing the person or people that disagreed with them was a bad person, or being supportive towards the conflict."

That got me thinking. While I don't think this person meant every person they've seen accused in conflict, and as of writing this they aren't online to answer, I think this adds to a trend I see myself where people frequently have very poor responses to critique.
But there has to be a reason, right?
I frequently see people say that they want the accused to change as an end goal, but we very infrequently meet that end goal.

Because of that, I think it's time to consider why people respond so hostile to criticism.
Bellow, I have interviewee #3, who identifies as both accuser and accused, but for this we will be taking note of their response to the accused questions.
The question I asked was:

"What was the first response people gave when you were caught in conflict. What was your first response back?"

And interviewee #3's response was:

"well.. not the best. some didn't even bother trying to hear my side, and one person even said something along the lines of "i don't want this sort of reputation around me. goodbye lol" i can't really recall.. and the people who accused me didn't bother to try and reach out to me either. and of course, my response wasn't the best either. this was my first time getting caught like this on public. it stressed me out and caught me on multiple breakdowns trying to explain myself. that was definitely.. traumatizing to say the least."

When interviewee #1 was asked about what preventative measures are put in place to ensure safety in the community, they stated this:

"Preventative measures are put into place, exemplar is of that we tell people to hide them, to not interact, and to block. We try to not let more people get affected, especially if they have been a past victim."

and further on they say:

"We discuss the situation in a orderly matter, we see whats right from wrong. Discussion and communication is a big course of action that should be taken seriously because if we don't communicate, will people know what's right information, and what's wrong information? Discussion also plays a big part in educating those who weren't aware of this persons doings, as it helps cut communications and leads to less harm of other people."

I had said earlier in the conversation:

"You've talked about the official action taken, but what about what was out the control of you or anyone else who was involved? Was there anything people did afterward that you disagreed with?"

And their response was.

What was out of our control was the interaction status of them. I knew people would still support them, or still be friends with them, even after all of the proof, people still interact with them and are buddy-buddy with them. I obviously disagreed with these people, because it's not right to let someone so horrible back in like that, especially with no sign of changing.

To me, as much as I agree victims should be protected in these scenarios, it felt like there was a clear emphasis on isolating the accused. When I inquired further about what role they thought community should play in the matter, they said this:

By not letting this person back into the communities that were affected, they can start to self-heal and realize that maybe they shouldn't have done it in the first place, and it can give the victims a better chance to feel safe. Change can be interpreted into many things, alone, or supported, they should not be allowed back into a community until they've shown change - support or not!

As much I can see where this person is coming from, I'm weary of what they said. In the first part of this essay I told you about how the amount of social contact we have can greatly effect our health. Because of that, the threat of isolation often hard if not near impossible to deal with. Throughout this I got the sense that the idea being pushed across was that just stating the wrong things the accused did and telling people to cut the accused off was an effective solution.
But does that ever solve anything long term? Can we expect others to welcome our opinions with open arms when we put them under threat of ostracization?
Going back to interviewee #3, saying:

"it stressed me out and caught me on multiple breakdowns trying to explain myself. that was definitely.. traumatizing to say the least."

and then later saying:

"i felt as if i was going to die. it may sound silly; after all, i'm being attacked in a pony game. but the feeling of judgement is way more overwhelming than you think. the feeling that some people will remember you forever with the title of something you're trying to change is.. terrifying."

This is no way someone should be made to feel under confrontation if we expect change in others. And I am so sure people feel this way because we keep making them feel like a public call for their isolation will fix things.

One of the questions I asked those who identified as accused was :

"Do you think the way this conflict transpired made you more inclined to self reflect? Why or why not. How did people's reactions to the situation effect your self reflection?"

Interviewee #3 answered:

"after some time passed by, something changed. something about my mindset on judgement and my own actions. and something about my view on the whole situation in general. i don't see this "blacklist" as a bad thing, no, not at all. of course the words said to me were soul-crushing and I really wish none of this ever happened, but this is just a whole test for me. an exam onto training me for the inevitable. i may not elaborate furthermore, but what i do can say is that i will take this silly game call out for life."

No one should have to feel like they're going through the tremendous trials of life just to come to a conclusion like this. Based on this response it seems like the way people took action in this situation had more negative effect than it did positive.

Another interviewee, #2, said this:

"Honestly, the backlash didn't do that much on me, it never changed my self reflection. I never thought that i am some bad person or something because of the people against me, I just can't take them seriously, i always take the backlash like some joke. It has nothing to do with my self reflection, but the only times where i was a bit upset were when i was being banned from regi servers but i always got over it after a day or so, it wasn't a big deal. I gave up on regis again after being banned from my favorite server (March), without a single DM about it, i stopped caring about my reputation and i went back to my usual self."

And for context, #2 described their past experience when first being called out as this:

"It happened in the regiment community, so people of course made a blacklist document about me, nothing much happened at first besides getting banned out of regiment servers. I tried to defend myself somehow but it didn't do anything, everyone just turned their backs on me because of some screenshots."

It seems to me, based on my interviews and just being on Ponytown for a long long time, that the methods we have to try and encourage change and protect others have a tendency to have zero effect or even negative effects on those accused.

We need to accept even the most reasonable of people aren't going to be able to change on a dime immediately when confronted with their mistakes. Trying to acknowledge something you did was wrong is a very distressing thing to come to terms with. We live in a society that teaches you that being wrong says something definite about your character, and where we normalize the idea that shaming others is effective correction. Because of this, once someone is found to be doing something bad, that labels them as bad themselves.
Naturally, course no one wants to be seen as evil, the bad guy, the perpetrator. I don't think the average person should be seen that way. It condemns someone to either a life of shamming themselves and feeling like shit for just living, or a life where they refuse to acknowledge any wrong doing at all to avoid the distress entirely.

Putting vilifying labels on people is encouraging a subconscious separation from the idea people can be better. When we imply that someone is inherently a bad person, an attack on their character, instead of focusing on how what they're doing is bad, it makes it difficult for the accused themselves to make that separation. And if you already feel like you're a bad person not just someone who does bad things, how are you to remove yourself from those bad things.

I'm not saying that just because it's distressful that people shouldn't be expected to handle things well eventually, but we have to set realistic goals about when that may be and what that requires.

How Does Past Trauma Effect Conflict

Trauma is something that's always going to play a big part when it comes to conflict. Not only the trauma caused leading up to the conflict between two parties, but the trauma they may have experienced separately. This segment is going to get more personal and reference fewer things but I would like to mention that this subject is brought up in multiple of the reference sources.

Sometimes when we get into conflict our actions moving forward can be driven by emotions originated from past trauma. It's natural to feel strongly about things when you feel hurt. The people I interviewed who identified as accusers voiced this, stating or suggesting that part of what made them want to bring this issue to others attention was the fear of others being hurt the way they had been hurt.

I understand this full heartedly. I'm going to tell a story for this, you can skip ahead of it if you want but I think it has some insight in it.
A couple years back, I was in this old friend group of mine. Us being pretty young at the time, around 14, we would get in quite a few arguments. We didn't know how to handle relationships with others yet.
There was this time it felt like someone I consider to be like a younger sister to me was being antagonized by our group of friends. It felt like at times they were being unnecessarily mean to her, not taking her seriously, invalidating how she feels. In my eyes I felt like I was recognizing a situation I had been in before, and I didn't want to let her be treated the same way I was.
And as much as these feelings are valid, and I'm glad that I wanted to protect her, I also lashed out harshly on the rest of my friends because of it. I vilified my friends because in my eyes they were the opposing factor, the cause of this hurt that I projected she felt.
In retrospect I regret doing that, and I regret doing it the many other times I would continue to do so in my awkward transition into late adolescence.
I came to the realization that everyone was going through stuff outside of that at the time. My friend at the center of this ordeal was dealing with complicated family stuff herself, I was dealing with complicated family stuff. None of that made anyone in the situation a villain. But none of that had mattered to me, I was more concerned with the strong emotions I felt and just making them go away in a way that quickly justified those feelings without having to confront how my own hurt influenced me.

We naturally want to empathize with those close to us, especially if we can easily project a situation we were in onto their perceived one now. But what about the other side? How often do we try and understand those who hurt us and their trauma?

Doing this can often be distressing in itself, I don't think any victims should be forced to try and understand why someone has hurt them. What I do think is; when we look at things from an outside perspective, when we aren't directly involved, when it's a community issue, we need to be able and try and understand those who cause harm in order to prevent things going forward.

Not everyone is going to be on the same page about things. Not everyone grew up in the same environment, under the same beliefs, or under the same education. While people should know better, not everyone does. And that's okay! The important part is that we should be able to work toward knowing better and meeting people where they're at.

How Does Social Capital Impact Conflict

I think we should briefly acknowledge the power imbalance there can be when conflict is brought up to community. As said earlier in this essay by interviewees, conflict is often brought up in community spaces specific to Ponytown regiments and other discord groups.
As these groups get larger, those in charge amass respect from those in their company, as someone who is meant to manage and regulate the community space. They gain Social Capital, the measurable value of the affinity someone has gained in among a group of people. This trust and respect, while at times vital for keeping a community healthy, can also be weaponized in an abuse of power, intentionally or non-intentionally. When put into such an influential position, someone's voice is amplified. Because of their assumed responsibility, we also tend to trust what they do tell us is true.

While in many if not most cases, people of high Social Capital on Ponytown have the intent to use their power for good, we have to recognize they're all people just like us. While their position does encourages thinking before acting, that does not remove them completely from impulse or their own emotions and personal biases. No one can remove themselves completely from their own emotions and personal biases.

Thoughts on How Conflict Should Be Settled In Our Community

Facing the Reality of the Situation and Critical Thinking

Throughout this essay I've discussed many different things to take into consideration when in conflict, but there's still quite a few things to touch on. First of which, facing the reality of the situation.

As someone who stays on the safe server, I regularly see conflicts transpire amongst those my age or even younger. Despite this, I almost never feel like people treat each other with this knowledge in mind. In our attempt to hold people accountable we tend to burden accused with the same weight the accusations would have on a full grown adult.
I don't think we put into context the fact kids are constantly growing and changing, and part of that is making mistakes. Some of those mistakes are going to hurt people, because when you don't know how to properly handle relationships yet that's what happens.

This misjudgement manifests in the prevalent mindset that every kids should have and/or did know better, but hurt others regardless. To those who have been hurt by what the accused has done, this can resonate heavily. When we're hurt, our first instinct usually isn't to try and understand the one that hurt us, it's to feel angry and frustrated, a natural reaction. I want us to be careful where we go from there.

Strong emotions brought up by hurt will cause strong reactions. Regardless of what made us upset in the first place, our emotions tend to take hold of us as we feel them That can often present itself as lashing out, yelling, or venting. This also often presents itself as hatred and resentment to those who have caused us hurt. Because of this strong hurt we feel, we can see hatred as justified.
Then we get time to think about it for a bit longer.
Our resentment is overwhelmingly intense, and suddenly we need more reasons to justify the way we feel.
It's often people feel like they need to justify their dislike for someone or something. We feel we can't just be hating someone blindly like this, but instead of letting go of that resentment and hatred, we only look for more reasons to hate someone.

That circles back to the fact we treat our own peers that way, we discredit, we defame, we humiliate, others who are trying to change and grow just like us. It's distressing. I recognize this isn't all situations but I think these ones are the most concerning, when we get to the point we become more concerned with justifying hatred than productively working on issues.

We need to start thinking critically about situations if we want things to change. We need to be able to learn the skills that will help us work toward those goals without wasting time or letting others get hurt in the process. We need to be able to distinguish who is someone intentionally causing harm and someone who isn't/wasn't aware they were causing harm at all. We need to be able to distinguish how severe a situation is in order to take proper action.
There's trolls, there's kids who grew up in shitty households, there's kids who have been taught unhealthy habits from other friends, and there's simply people who have fallen victim to societies atmospheric isms and phobias.

It's a very complicated thing and there will never ever be a way solve conflict perfectly, but that does not mean we give up on trying entirely. I just want things to be better than they are now.

Appropriate Action

Appropriate action depends on whether the conflict is personal or community based. Even though this essay is centered on community, considering many people bring personal conflict onto a community level, I think it's important to briefly touch on how to deal with personal conflict here.

I won't go into detail because I think it's very situational, if you want actual advice I recommend you look for sources online. What I will say is this:
If you feel in danger being around the other party, find a group to go to and leave the situation. If your emotions toward the other party are more complicated and it is not an extreme detriment on your mental health to be around them, try and contextualize where both you and the other party are emotionally, mentally, conditionally, etc. If this is someone you still want to trust, you should be able to have a conversation with them.
Know that even though I encourage making a mends, you are never forced to wait for someone to change. Waiting for someone to change can be exhausting and taxing on someone if the other party is participating in behavior that does direct harm to them.

While I consider myself to be very patient and often willing to aid in someones growth, there are moments where I realize any or all of the following.

  1. I do not have enough affinity for this person to try and directly help or even stay around through change/convince them to grow.
  2. I do not think this person is currently in the mindset to grow.
  3. The harm caused to me by this persons actions and trying to stay around this person is not worth staying for.

When this happens I decide that their business is not longer any of my business. You can decide what it means for you, and of course you can have your own list of reasons. For me personally, this means I will just not bother with any of this persons business. I won't try to talk shit about them or keep people away from them, I won't try to harass them (Not that I haven't talked a little shit about people in the past I doubt any of us haven't, we grow and learn from it, that's what matters.) Since I don't have affinity for these people, that usually means I don't know these people enough to care about what they're doing. I don't even know what they're doing! I can have only a loose idea of if this person has changed or grown and I don't feel comfortable taking hard action on that loose idea of who I think someone is.

Most personal business is best kept personal, unless you're really sure this person will hurt others and there's nothing else you can do in terms of communication. Unless the situation is dire, try to be a bit more introspective for a while.

"A related complexity involves differing implicit models people hold about effective and appropriate acts that constitute supportive communication. The kinds of acts people ordinarily believe to be helpful (e.g., informing, advising, distracting, making comparisons, and suggesting solutions) often are not helpful because their success is highly dependent on the performance of the act, the situation, the substance of what is offered, and the ongoing interaction (Burleson & Goldsmith, 1998). " also from (Aakhus, M., & Rumsey, E. (2010)⁷

Onto community...

Community conflict can vary wildly. Much of the community conflict I've seen on Ponytown involves peoples overall conduct and statements as opposed to a series of actions made against others directly. (To see comments on actions made against others directly in terms of community conflict visit some of the resources bellow, including but not limited to Andrewism's video³ and parts of Restoring Solidarity¹.) Overall conduct and statements can and do cause harm, but the difference is that conduct would not be directed at individuals. There is a blur in the line possible, but most lean toward the non-specific target category.

Regardless of what kind of conflict it is, once it's been brought to community attention it's clear people want something to be done about a threat to safety in their community. So what do we do?

Well, as I keep saying, it's very situational. There will be times where it's best someone leave a community for the safety of those affected, but there will also be times we should be able to tolerate people and recognize they need time to go. That time should not have to be spent in isolation as a default option.

In Andrewism's Video essay on transformative justice, he lists off reasons someone who has been accused should be considered for reconcile vs reasons for expulsion. Transcript of the video being³:

for reconciliation, factors can be:

  1. the accusers desire for reconciliation
  2. the groups affection for the accused.
  3. the harm inflicted being rather minor.
  4. the harm caused unintentionally or due to ignorance.
  5. the accused themselves being a survivor of relevant abuse.
  6. the accused denying the allegation and being believed.
  7. the accused expressing remorse

for expulsion, the factors can be:

  1. the accusers request for the accused to depart
  2. a lack of affinity for the accused by the group
  3. serious harm done
  4. a pattern of abuse caused by the accused
  5. the accused being unresponsive to dialogue
  6. the accused appearing to be aware of boundary violations
  7. the accused denying the allegations and being disbelieved
  8. the accused showing no genuine remorse

I want us to take this into account in the few cases we do feel the to separate ourselves from someone. It isn't always worth it to keep someone in a community but again we need to be very critical about where we consider the line is.
We should also acknowledge that public blacklists and documents on people can serve as vehicles for harassment. No matter how much you may discourage it or how many disclaimers you add, it will prompt some people, even if just a few, to harass the accused. This is why it's even important to think about further options before taking action.
Your words have the power to hurt people just as much as you have been hurt if not possibly more. That kind of hurt shouldn't have to risk being spread due to things that are inconsequential.

Healing Afterwards

Finally, after conflict there has to be healing, for both parties assuming the community has decided to opt for reconciliation.
Conflict will drain everyone invested in it, even if some more than others. It's natural to feel emotions you're not going to want to feel. You're probobly going to feel that way for a while. It's important to come to terms with that and not punish yourself for your own thoughts. When you're ready find the your best way to cope with those emotions.

During this time it's important that those involved are allowed their own support network to fall back on. It's important both parties are allowed a space to vent out how they feel. We should be able to understand that these strong emotions will influence what people say in the heat of the moment. People in this situation are often undergoing extreme stress, no mater what side they're on. They will likely say things that they regret, but what matters most is they acknowledge those things and understand why they said them.

Depending on the situation, they can either decide to heal with or separately from the other party involved. There's no shame in either option.
The main priority in healing should be making both parties feel comfortable and open to change going forward. Forgiveness is not required, but basic respect should be. Learning to respect someone as a fellow human being, regardless of personal feelings, is an important skill to learn. Not respect as in reverence, respect as in human decency. Human decency is something everyone involved needs to be treated with regardless of the situation.

Community to healing also means preventative measures involving educating people about what the problem was, what the problem was rooted from, and how to recognize those behaviors. Once recognize that not everyone is going to be on the same level of understanding that we are, we can actually move toward trying to have people on the same page. This can take the form, of instead of making documents directly on a person, making documents about general behavior you've seen that upsets you. Include why it upsets you, the harm that it can possibly do to others. If possible, try to be as empathetic as you can so people are more open to what you have to say.

At risk of sounding a bit corny, and in the words of popular movie high school musical, we are all in this together. Trying to come to an understanding with any and all of your peers is the best way to actually learn from these situations.

Conclusion

We need to be more conscious about how we treat people and solve problems. We've been causing needless extreme emotional distress to ourselves and others because of this lack of ability to handle conflict. Conflict is a part of life. There will always be disagreements, there will always be people we dislike, there will always be the possibility of people getting hurt. We need to learn how to deal with these things healthily to live a healthy lives ourselves. If we don't, we allow the conflict to take over and continue to poison us.
I my wish is for even just my small area of this community to be free of poison.

Do I think this essay is gonna start that? Hopefully. Do I think I communicated my ideas as best I could? Probably not, I mean look at this conclusion. Half of this is written like an authors note but the authors note is right down bellow! Anyways, I suppose I made it half informal because I thought it would connect better with people.
There's so many ideas I wanted to put out there for such a long time because I was tired.

I was tired of seeing kids bullied and forcefully isolated on a regular basis. I was tired of the fact, despite the few preventative measures people tried to put into place, kids were still vilified by their community. I was tired of our judgement culture as a whole.
Sigh, anyways, I hope you got something out of this.

Don't forget change is for everyone, not just those we see as bad people. Learning to be better than others instead of tearing them down is the best closure I think life has to offer.
As always, love yall. As much as I myself can get frustrated about this stuff, I could never hold it against someone.

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After Author's Note

I finished this up around 3 am before posting it, and then did little revisions the morning afterward and going forward. There probobly will be little revisions continuing forward, but I drove across the point I wanted to.
I feel like one thing I'll make sure to admit is this essay is pretty opinion based... I didn't look through as many articles or books as I would have wanted to. The formal resources I do have are like a big game of telephone (I got this from their article, and they got their article from somebody else's, and they probobly got stuff from other people too!). I hope my essays in the future can have more academic sources like they did back in my junior year for English, hah, but I wanted to get this out pretty quick.
I would also like to give special thanks to the Vegeta fanfiction that kept distracting me. That's not very nice of you Vegeta, you should be encouraging me to train my mind not making me succumb to temptation☝.
And one last thing, if you look at the references they get more useful as time goes on, I slowly got more and more serious about this project. ALSO, AGAIN, THE CITATION FORMAT IS FUCKED BECAUSE I REALIZED I HAD TO USE A SPECIFIC FORMAT PART WAY THROUGH IF I WAS GONNA USE THE SUBSCRIPT NUMBERS... DON'T BE LIKE ME, PROPERLY USE THE CITATION FORMAT FOR YOUR FIELD. I read quite a few psychology studies and subscript is more commonly used for those sort of articles. Some of it is cited that way, some is cited both properly and improperly, it's a whole mess, but you can still see clearly where each thing was sourced from. I know not many people will care but I do apologize. Special thanks to my interviewee's thing 1 thing 2 and thing 3 🙏 love you guys.

References

  1. Hanks, S.M. (2019) Restoring Solidarity, The Anarchist Library. Available at: https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/sarah-m-hanks-restoring-solidarity (Accessed: 11 July 2024).
  2. ziq (2021) Against community building, towards friendship, The Anarchist Library. Available at: https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/ziq-against-community-building-towards-friendship (Accessed: 11 July 2024).
  3. Andrewsim (2023) We need to rethink justice, YouTube. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lNT0c78ogo (Accessed: 12 July 2024).
  4. Untitled (2024) Shitty Github Rant, Rentry. Available at: https://rentry.co/Originalcommunityrant
  5. Kannan, V. D., & Veazie, P. J. (2022, December 25). US trends in social isolation, social engagement, and companionship ⎯ nationally and by age, sex, race/ethnicity, family income, and work hours, 2003-2020. SSM - population health. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9811250/
  6. Cigna 2020 loneliness index. (2020). https://legacy.cigna.com/static/www-cigna-com/docs/about-us/newsroom/studies-and-reports/combatting-loneliness/cigna-2020-loneliness-factsheet.pdf
  7. Aakhus, M., & Rumsey, E. (2010). Crafting supportive communication online: A communication design analysis of conflict in an online support group. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 38(1), 65–84. https://doi.org/10.1080/00909880903483581
  8. Lenhart, A., Madden, M., Smith, A., Purcell, K., Zickuhr, K., & Rainie, L. (2011, November 9). Teens, kindness and cruelty on social network sites: How american teens navigate the new world of “Digital citizenship”. Pew Internet & American Life Project. https://eric.ed.gov/?id=ED537516
  9. “Social Isolation And Health, " Health Affairs Health Policy Brief, June 21, 2020. DOI: 10.1377/hpb20200622.253235. https://www.healthaffairs.org/content/briefs/social-isolation-and-health
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Pub: 11 Jul 2024 10:14 UTC
Edit: 29 Oct 2024 22:41 UTC
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