Fred Flinstones

I Think Alcatraz SUCKS!

Archibald Washington, sometimes Washington Archibald, was quite the refined gentlemen. He owned a pizzeria, and travelled around the United States bringing fun to all. Of course, he also had a penchant for murdering people, and his favorite past time was hiring security guards to get killed by the corpses he converted into attractions for his restaurant. Of course, he was a magic user. He wasn't actually born with very much magic potential, but through some shady dealings and a couple kidneys he got some surgery. He also acquired some interesting abilities as well! Two uses of magecraft, each comparable to a Noble Phantasm! Not to mention, he had quite the talent for necromancy! Sure, using a familiar would be easier... but necromancy is a lot funner, right? Anyway, he has settled down in Alcatraz due to the fact he bribed a couple guards to let him set up his pizzeria in the prison! This lets him get a LOT of entertainment.


RING-RING. RING-RING.
The inmate working as a security guard picked up the phone.
"Hello, hello, uh... hello? I wanted to record you a message to help you get settled in for your first night. Anyway, do be warned... the characters tend to get a little bit quirky at night. You know the one in the rat costume? I call him Rat Randy. Funny stuff. Anyway, he enters the bathroom and just kinda bangs his head against the wall. H-he's the only animatronic I have. Snickers Anyway, uh, just remember to close up shop at 6:AM."
"What a sound fellow! I sure hope nothing bad happens to me before 6:AM."
The inmate heard a creak in the bathroom.
"That darn Rat Randy!"
As the inmate entered the bathroom, he saw a strange figure huddled in the corner.
"Ummm... what the deuce?"
A voice boomed over the intercom, in between laughs.
"Heh... do the thing!"
The figure stood up, revealing its true size. It was about twice the height of any man. Lights seem to appear out of nowhere, shining on the beastial being. Before thea inmate could speak a word, it sliced his head off immediately.
"HEYYY! That's not the thing. The thing is where you slice the legs off first! Idiot, you can't do anything right...."
The reprimand was only met with a vicious howl, as the beast took the corpse and brutalized it against the wall.
"Geez, don't get antsy. Here, have a drink."
An oversized water bottle used for pet hamsters filled with a brown liquid dropped from the ceiling. The beast started licking up beer from the bottle.
"Do better next time! Idiot..."
The Reality Marble slowly unwound, with all parts of the pizzeria folding into the ground, except the bottle. Eventually, all that was left was a small room, a horrible beast-man, a large cage water bottle filled with beer, and Washington Archibald. Also a corpse.
"Welp, guess I better get to work."
The beast only snarled in response, then went back to its beer.
"Ah, snickerdoodles. I forgot my tools. One second..."
Archibald left the room, and walked down the halls that led from it, passing an inmate along the way.
"Hey, Archie! So, how's the pizza biz?"
"Oh, you know. The usual. I'm gonna be gone for a bit, so make sure you don't enter where I usually have my pizzeria. You will definitely not like the special surprise I set up in there."
"Ah, really Archie? Alriiight, I guess I can wait."
"Well... if you're THAT impatient, I guess you can go see!"
"Oh, boy!"
Archibald watched as the innate ran into the room where he usually kept the pizzeria. He then watched as the inmate had his corpse thrown back out of the room and it was subsequently dragged back inside by the man beast.
"Sucker."
Archie after killing people


"Mr. Washington, do you know why you are here today?"
"Uh, no, your honor."
"It would appear that several inmates have gone missing on your watch."
"Really? That's weird."
"You are an accomplished magic user, correct?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"...You haven't been smuggling inmates out, have you?"
Archibald was in court. This was because of the multiple innates that have went missing after taking jobs at his pizzeria. He turned to his lawyer, who was just glaring angrily at him.
"Not guilty."
"I call our first witness to the stand."
The man-beast from earlier, wearing a suit and tie, walked up and sat in the center of the court. He cleared his throat.
"Mr. Avenger, was it? Please state your testimony."
"GRALGRAGGARLAGANRLGRAWLGARWLGLARLGAR."
"...Can someone translate?"
Archibald raised his hand.
"I can, your honor!"
"Fine. What did he say?"
"Not guilty."
"Alrigh, cross-examination?"
The prosecutor just shook his head.
"I-I guess no cross-examination is necessary."
Archibald's lawyer spoke up.
"I would like to call a witness to the stand, your honor."
"Alright-y then."
"Alright, Archie, call him in!"
"Got it! Oh, RANDY RAT~!"
A man in a rat costume stumbled into the court room.
"CHUCK THE CHICKEN~!"
A man in a chicken costume stumbled into the court room.
"BILL~!"
A man dressed as a janitor, with his face covered up with a mask, stumbled into the court room.
"I believe these are the missing inmates?"
"Uh..."
Randy Rat fell over on some chairs, while Chuck the Chicken's head fell off, revealing only a neck. Bill just pantomimed sweeping.
The prosecutor just got up out of his chair.
"This is a kangaroo court. I'm leaving."
"Well, Mr. Washington... I guess... all charges dropped?"
"Wooo! I know where we can celebrate!"
"Where?"
Archibald activated his Reality Marble, turning the court into a pizzeria. The wolfman looked around in anticipation, before a gallon of beer dropped on him.
"IT'S TIIIIIIIIME TO BOOGEY!"
BOOGEY


Archibald and Avenger woke up in an alleyway, completely hammered.
"Awww... what happened?"
"GLARWGAROWGWORGROWLGARLWGRLOWGWRL."
"I shouldn't have expected anything else. Man... what... what time is it?"
Archie checked his watch. It read 13:61 ZM.
"That's not normal. I knew I shouldn't have bought this watch off eBay..."
Archie turned to his Servant, and helped him to his feet. They started walking down the dark alley.
"Man... there isn't anything to do here. Alcatraz sucks. Y'know what we should do? I think we should start fighting other Servants!"
"GRLAFGROWLGARLGWAGRLGRAFGLROGRWGLFR?"
"Yeah, you heard me! Let's kill things that will be a challenge! It'll be fun!"
THE PLAN


Field Marshall Haig (Rider) woke up in a dark room. He heard a mysterious voice.
"HELLO. I WOULD LIKE TO PLAY A GAME."
saw
"W-what do you want with me?"
"Before you, there are two doors. One door leads to your doom, and behind the other door, you will fond your survival. Pick carefully."
Haig looked between the two doors. One door had unceasing growling coming from behind it, while the other door was wet. He elected to enter the wet door.
"Fool! Using my ability, Nightmare: Illusion Machine, I am going to fill this room with water!"
"Uhh... ok."
"You see, I have acquired the corpse of someone who drowned! You will drown as well, because I can use the fears surrounding the corpse to inact its last moments!"
"You should respect your elders."
The corpse in the room started spewing water everywhere. Haig tried to open the door behind him, but it was sealed shut.
"They couldn't leave the room I sealed them in and then flooded with water, and now neither can you!"
"...Wait, you killed someone like this just so you could use your ability? That's cheating."
"Uhh, I can't hear you over the sound of water entering the room! Bye!"
One Hour Later


"I'm still unfulfilled, Avenger."
Archibald was laying on a couch, and he had dressed Avenger up as a psychiatrist. He even had glasses.
"GROWLWGRLGROWRGLOWGOLWGWOLGRLWGOL?"
"I killed that Servant, but... now what? Is this all there is to life? I wish something more interesting would happen..."
Archibald heard a knock on the door.
"Who could that be?"
He opened the door to reveal a customer.
"Uh, I'm here to pick up a pizza? But it looks like you guys are closed..."
"N-no! We're open, come right on in!"
The customer looked straight at Avenger.
"Wow, that is a really realistic animatronic!"
"Sure is! So, what will it be?"
"I ordered a large pepperoni."
"Yeah, right away."
Archibald left into the kitchen to produce a pizza, and Bill stumbled into the customer.
"Uh, sir? Could you NOT be in my private area? Respect my bubble."
"Galajshslkagahsjksggskkshshhaj..."
"I can't believe they hired retards here. I'm LEAVING!"
Archibald came back out of the kitchen, just to see the customer leave.
"Bill, why did you do that? He was a paying customer!"
"Galskgahaksjshsyjakahaiakakhlalalahahaklakajakal..."
"I knew I shouldn't have hired a retard."
Fin

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Pub: 31 Aug 2023 21:24 UTC
Edit: 31 Aug 2023 23:10 UTC
Views: 105