Isolation Period

Each day is something that I can't seem to hold onto
The mere thoughts of being alone is agonizing
Shut in my room
Nothing but Pichu and Zim to give me company
Stare at a wall or out the window
Lay on the bed and watch the ceiling swirl around like flowing rivers of white and shadow
The soft blue lights created by the transparent blue curtains
A sweet soft melancholy to get a hold of
A sweet soft sadness in longing for company.

Surrounded by people, I am quite astounded
Though my ability to ruin everything fun and nice,
"Maybe I was meant to lose friends..."
Time to light things up and start those fires
Those fires of maniac episodes in where I lose my senses
Harmful words that were never meant to be said
Harmful words in which arise in misunderstandings
Causing chaos from my own blame.

The fires have been put out
Washed out by the ones I called friends
Some remain to be, but the etched embers are scarred into their memory
Is it fun to pretend you are unaware of your own actions?
Those words you said; the very same words that came out your mouth
Does that guilt ever fade away?
Or are you so guilty you carry the burden of guilt like all those sins on your back?

Pretend it is all okay,
Act as if it has all gone away, that everything is fine now
Act as if you were fine
While that heavy burden sits on your back.

Mind breaking,
How much must I hold onto before I fall again?
Grasping to the ends of a single string of hope
Left from the rope that it was,
All that is left to do is distance myself
And return to the same old melancholy
"I would rather have no one to be attached to"
Yet the truth is I cannot let go
The fear of being alone
The fear of abandonment
The fear of being hated; the mere though of being despised
And the mere thought of being forgotten
It terrifies and makes me quiver to my core.

A cycle of agony
An endless loop of emotional and psychological pressure:
Talk, befriend, trust, grow attached, get to learn more, learn somethings, lose trust, arguments, and either leave or forgive
"Don't leave me"
"Don't hate me"
"Don't abandon me"
"Don't forget me"
"Don't stop loving me"
How many times have those words come out my mouth?
A borderline obsession born from my fears
I grasp and hold onto the people who get too close to me
Agony and pain
From the ones I have caught under my chains.

Repeat the cycle
Repeat my words
Repeat the same mistakes
Repeat the pain
Repeat it all until I am not sane

And so, I go back to being shut-in;
Nothing but Pichu and Zim to give me company
Staring at a wall or out the window,
Laying on the bed to watch the ceiling swirl around like flowing rivers of white and shadow
The soft blue lights created by the transparent blue curtains
A sweet soft melancholy to get a hold of,
A painful agony in longing for company

And so, the cycle begins once more.

Written by: eLIE | Isolation Period | 2/26/2024 | Back to main page --> https://rentry.co/eLIE000

Edit

Pub: 26 Feb 2024 16:40 UTC

Edit: 26 Feb 2024 16:47 UTC

Views: 64