Rambles

Date: ???
I was going to write something beautiful from my suffering, but nothing beautiful ever comes of this wretched being. All i can do is ruin myself and others, i'm not good for anything else. Even when I try to help others I fail and I break connections. I'm not meant to be around people, I'm meant to be locked up in my room alone for the rest of my life. I don't even know why I try at school when I know I'm not going to last long enough to make anything of my life. I might just start skipping and avoiding it all. I hate almost every person I meet, they're all disgusting scumbags who should disappear. I crave success and admiration, but I'm too much of a stupid loser to actually work to achieve it. I'm selfish and a narcissist who needs others' validation and praise to even begin to like myself. I blame others for my problems and I always need everyone to be on my side. I feel like I don't have any friends other than my boyfriend and the people online that understand what I feel. I met a boy named Bonnie from California who shares my love for human anatomy. I told him about how I use science to understand other people more and he understood. No one understands that. My boyfriend doesn't understand as much as he says he does. I bet he just thinks I'm gross and weird and helpless so he takes pity on me. I love him, I don't love a lot but I love him.


Date: Jan 22 2024
I’m never going to be able to develop any of the skills I need to survive. I feel like i’m trying to learn skills people learnt in elementary school. I have zero idea what is going on in chemistry and I never will. I try so so fucking hard, but i never develop habits like other people do. Even when I'm manually told to do something, if it doesn't fit into some unknown routine my mind has made up, it doesn't stick.

I keep trying to remember what happened with ------- but all I can remember is vague feelings and ideas. I know there's more because whenever I try to dig deeper I'm faced with backlash. What I'm confused about is how clear the events with ---- seem to feel. I mean I think they are clear. He pressed against me, he grinded into me, he pushed me down, he kissed me, he told me he would do more if there was time. Seems pretty clear to me.
I don't know why I can't just move on. Other people have been through so much worse, but I'm over here wallowing and drowning in the shallow end.

Bonnie is gone. His tumblr account was deactivated or deleted. That's fine because now my new account has 31 followers and my posts have around 100 notes each.


Date: Feb 23 2024
I wish someone would just hold me. Someone that I really knew. I don't know these people. I don't know anyone. I can't take it anymore. I can't keep on feeling this angry at the world. I wish I was born as a different person, someone with power and someone who was loved. I don't feel loved right now. I don't really deserve to be loved though, do i? I've ruined so much already, I don't deserve his love. He doesn't even know who he's loving. I'm a stranger in this body. I pretend to feel a connection and I let him hold me like he loves me but I'm not the one he loves. I'm a sick boy who feeds on misery.

My one tumblr account got deactivated. That's ok because my main blog just reached 67 followers and I have people flocking to me to comfort me after my one post about not telling my friends about my views. I got my first hate comment and it was really funny. Some people just can't conceptualize the concept that nothing should be censored in fiction and harassing people over the fictional media they consume is counterproductive and is reminiscent of right wing censorship.

I'm filthy.

Edit Report
Pub: 10 Jun 2024 16:26 UTC
Views: 21