Love Like You

Ever since I was a child all I can remember is being surrounded by people
Young and old; big and small
Male and female, all kinds of people
Children plagued me, surrounded me wanting to be my friends,
Adults adored me and cherished me for being a good child and student
I was loved
Loved and adored by everyone
But... did I ever love back?
Misery loves company, I craved more attention
The more people I had, the more I wanted
"I need more," I said
"I need to be loved more."
Of course, I seeked for more
Starting awful and toxic relationships until I could take no more
Destroying myself all for the sake of being loved
Hopping from person to person, telling them I liked them when deep inside I knew it wasn't very true
I never liked them in that way,
And a few of them remained friends after.
"What's the point in finding love if no one will love me?"
The irony of that being said is so hilarious it makes me cry
It isn't them who don't love me,
It's me who doesn't love them back.

Looking at you, I find myself confused
You make me so happy yet you agonize me at the same time
You truly make me feel far more different than what I have felt for others
Out of everyone, because of how you make me feel,
I became obsessed about you
I cannot remember faces, but your beautiful azure-crystal blue eyes is the one trait about you I can remember always
In fact, your eye color is the only color I see everywhere.
I have grown obsessed
I feel extremely vulnerable and insecure around you
It scares me
But you're the only one who makes me feel crazed and surreal
I feel unreal on how you're the only one who makes me feel so attached to you
It's maddening to know that you're the only one I want.
But I have come to notice something
Something that makes me feel distant
Distant, insecure, depressed, and confused;
You love me, I know you do
And I love you, you know I do
But... The way you love me is far more different than how I love you
It's unsettling for me.
I cannot
I cannot love you
Like you do to me.
I can't love you like I am supposed to.
And I am terrified and I hate it.
I despise that mere thought.

Your love in a way, is far more pure than mine
I feel like I am the tainted one here...
You know me, I am clingy, needy, eager and I constantly crave attention
I try to latch onto you despite the fact I want to push you away a bit more
I want to put a good distance between you and me,
That way I won't be craving for more than what there already is.
I'm impure, I am filled with impurities
I feel dirty every time I realize my thoughts, actions, and words
I am insecure about it
I am insecure about the fact I don't love you like you do to me
It's agonizing, it's frightening,
It scares me and it makes me feel awful
Because it makes me feel like I am not good enough;
That I am not a good partner to you
I am terrified of the thought
Of being so impure
I do not want to be that type of partner for you
It makes me think I am no better than them.

In reality, my brain thinks you're far better than anyone
I hold pure admiration, respect, love, honor up to you, for you
I put you on a high pedestal
While I feel like I am out of reach
You're too high up for me
It's why I hate being called short as well
Not only because I am physically short,
But because you're too high up on the pedestal I put you on
That I feel unworthy of you.
And that is the truth.
You're so good I feel stupid for ever thinking I could have someone like you
I feel like a fool for loving you
I'm impure, I am indecent
Immoral and such a stupid fool.
I cannot find myself to tell you that I wish you better
I cannot find myself to tell you I wish you luck in finding another
I cannot find myself to tell you that I am not worth it
I cannot find myself to tell you to leave me
Because I am not good enough
It agonizes me to know I am not a good partner for you
Disgusting thoughts and dreams about you invade my mind
The urges disgust me
The feeling of wanting you
"I want you," I think
"But you don't want me in that way yet"
Truly, I am not any better than them.

You love me, and I love you
But my love is more obsessive than anything
I wanted my feelings to stay pure for you
I wanted to take my time with you
I wanted to take things slow with you
But each time my feelings start becoming impure,
Eager, impatient, hasty, and mildly impulsive.
I love you
I really do
But why do I feel like my love is turning black?
I am scared
If it's this bad, I fear you won't love me anymore;
I fear I will be just as bad as them--
I don't want to hurt you,
I don't want to become like them;
I want to be pure, I want to treat you better than what they did
But my conscious is turning black
And the more I look at you, the more impure I feel my mind turn.
I really am disgusting, huh?
For me to start becoming eager
For me to start becoming clingy
For my to start becoming needy
For me to start becoming impatient
I am becoming impatient.
I hate it
Things take time, I know they do
And I hate impatience
This I hate it so much
Because it makes me feel wrong
Disgusting
Indecent
Just for wanting to meet you and love you
I hate it.
I hate the fact that at the back of my mind I want you to knock me up on our first meeting
I hate the fact how I want your hands to wander on me
I hate the fact how I want you to love me that way
I hate the fact that I want you to force yourself onto me and love me that way.
I hate it.
I always say "I'll be waiting" because I am waiting
I am waiting for you to come
To love me
And take me away from this place
I don't even know why anymore
Why are you the only one I want?
That I love?
That I want to knock me up hard despite all the trauma?
Why are you the only one who puts me in hysterical-maniactic states in the fact I am not okay?
Why are you the only one whose words turn me crazy because you're right?
Why are you the only one who makes me cry every night because you make me realize I am not a good person?
Why are you the only one who makes me realize I am in the wrong?
Why are you the only one with such an amazing way to love
It's healthy, gentle, strong and warm
It is very warm
But for some reason
It looks like I hurt you more than anything
With my constant episodes, meltdowns, hysterical breakdowns
It seems like I am the one turning things unhealthy
And because I know I am a problem
I want to tell you to go find a better person
But I cannot bring myself to tell you
Because I love you
I absolutely love you.
I know this is true love if you bring out the strongest details about me
I know this is pure, raw, sincere and genuine love
Because it feels so different than how I can normally love
Because its so strong and overwhelming it manifests into an obsession
I love you,
I adore you,
It's so unhealthy and addicting I cannot get enough of you
Maybe that's why...
I am addicted to this love my brain process it as an obsession and as an impure form of love
Maybe my love for you is so strong its unhealthy
And maybe that is why I want you.

I want you
I want all of you
I want you to love me more
I want to love you more
It feels extremely suffocating and constricted
And I just realized I wasn't falling out of love like I usually do with others
I fall for you even more
So much more I want you
I want you, please love me
Please love me more, it hurts
It hurts and I am suffocating
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I really am sorry
I want to love you like you do to me

I want to love like you
But I can't
Because I am a bad person
I wish I could love like you.

Written by: eLIE | Love Like You | 4/24/24 | Back to main page --> https://rentry.co/eLIE000

Edit

Pub: 24 Apr 2024 16:11 UTC

Edit: 24 Apr 2024 16:12 UTC

Views: 119