
sen ,
you, of anyone, would understand my dissonance the best. despite my reputation with words—positive and otherwise—i have a hard time with you. everything i write for you just. sounds insincere, oddly. even though my feelings for you are more sincere than my feelings for anyone else. i think. ive told you many times. that i think life would be so easy if you were always there. and now youre always here. and you know what? it is easier. it's hard, when we both react the way we do when apart. ive never really been that way before. ive never? you know like, needed to be close to someone. like that. before. i'm worried a lot, you know. i sometimes wonder if it's supposed to be like that. and? you know? i think it is. i think it is, mostly. and whether anything is "supposed" to "be" like anything else, i just feel like i want to. i feel like i don'tt... have to. nothing i ever see about Abusive Manipulative Blah.. bla..hh.... relationships ever say that. so i don't know. i don't think i need to worry.and, really, i only worry when you worry. and we're so good. i just think of you and you're. in my future, you know? not a guaranteed but something to work and put effort and love and care into.. you, i mean. you're what i love putting my care and attention.. and time and love and stuff... into. i wonder if that means anything to you, or if you feel it, often. whether you do or not, it seems like you love returning the favour. a win-win, right? youre just. really lovable. youre so (for a reason i can not pinpoint) unbelievably hard to Not want to pour my entire life into. youre just too goated, dude... stop that. youre kind, and thoughtful, and you try. you try harder than anyone ive met, craig. i love you. i’m writing this here because this is what reminds me of you most. would you believe me if i said i can’t even pin down, like.. um.. when we became so close? it’s to the extent that saying “so close”, i’m not even sure—i can’t really even… remember why we are. i just remember everything we’ve talked about, i think. all of the late night chats and all of the … both the serious & the very non-serious discussions. i remember crying a few times… when exactly, i’m unsure. but you were there. that i’m sure of. and it’s what i’m positive i’ll ALWAYS be sure of. that you’ll be here. um.. even if "here" is your dms.... well, maybe that's why they're so comfortable. while one may be under the impression our .. umm .. clyde & craig days are "behind us"? they will always be on my mind. to .. in the least corny way .. see you understand and um. be. you know. to see you align with a personality and life i adore so much, in a different way than i ever "saw" it myself .. it's lovely. so i just...i'm always wishing the best for you. i don't know if that's comforting? or even nice to know? but i'd like to think there's a chance. and it won't be a lie!!! one day you could remember these words and they'd be true, i swear. i'm rooting for you, hardcore! in everything! not that i think you need it, it's just...am i in the wrong for wanting only good to come to a friend? nd lastly, i jsut wanna say...i'mmm.. excited. to continue knowing you. to see where you go, in life, and stuff like that. i'd love to still be friends in the future. for as long as i can be, i want to be there, i think. even if i'm .. not doing much. i think i'd just miss you. well that was all sort of humilating to write. but it's true! so...not much i can do bout it.