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Said The Spider To The Fly - the pAper chAse music " I know you're sick alone,
art credit: @Cottonboi_56309 on Twitter/X ...and I'm telling everyone everything. " music divider divider Purpose
"The creation of this will probably slightly destroy the entire purpose of anthonysbandage, but. This will be like, a public diary to get my feelings out — a little space to publicly vent. It's also just somewhere I can yap but mostly vent. It's a mix of positive and negative... just like a diary! Mostly negative though... sorry."

(Since this is going to have a lot, and its already gotten super long, I'm going to add a way to get home up here too... So... Do you wanna go back home? Click me!) divider divider [Before We Start . . . Vent Related Links]
Vent Playlist . . . Vent Rentry . . . Vent Twitter/X . . . Vent Instagram
divider divider [Table of Contents]
01 . . . 02 . . . 03 . . . 04 . . . 05 . . . 06 . . . 07 . . . 08 . . . 09 . . . 10 . . . 11 . . . 12 . . . 13 . . . 14 . . . 15 . . . 16 . . . 17 . . . 18 . . . 19 . . . 20 . . . 21 . . . 22 . . . 23 . . . 24 . . . 25 . . . 26 . . . 27 . . . 28 . . . 29 . . . 30 . . . 31 . . . 32 . . . 33 . . . 34 . . . 35 . . . 36 . . . 37 . . . 38 . . . 39 . . . 40 . . . 41 . . . 42 . . . 43 . . . 44 . . . 45 . . . 46 . . . 47 . . . 48 . . . 49 . . . 50 . . . 51 . . . 52 . . . 53 . . . 54 . . . 55 . . . 56 . . . 57 . . . 58
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ENTRY 01: AUGUST 29, 2024

i didnt expect to be triggered at 3 AM in the fucking morning and sent into a spiral. i thought i was healing smoothly, but even the sight of their profile or anything that reminds me of them breaks me. fuck.

i dont think ill be fine for awhile, i was already silently struggling. semi isolated because of my trust issues worsening, being stuck with less people; no one i can be 100% open with, feeling even more uncomfortable with myself than i did prior, abandoning coping mechanisms and plans for the future... to say the least, im a liar barely alive. i live on distractions, obsession and lies. i, dont know who i am anymore, i just match those around me or let others have control. im scared of hurting anybody ever again, so i just. distance. isolate. i feel like im stuck in some sort of identity crisis? i dont think im getting out of it, ive lost myself. i am what you want me to be, but with a few things that are still mine.

did i. deserve this? i often ask myself... is this what is supposed to be done? do you see someone struggling and in need of help or support and just. abandon them? my abandonment issues, being left without closure or a reason why just a... "sorry."? without getting to tell my whole truth or what was hurting me? i wasnt the only asshole, i wasnt the only one at fault. divider divider

ENTRY 02: SEPTEMBER 2, 2024

i feel so isolated but it really is my own doing so i really dont have a right to complain. after getting abandoned again, by the final person i felt i could trust/have hope in i just. gave up. anybody new i meet or get "close" to, really dont get to know me, just what i let show. ive lost who i was, im nothing more than a shell or what people want me to be. even people ive known for years dont entirely know me, thats just how fucked my trust has been for awhile, and the people who get to know everything betray me every single time — so i just don't see the point in trying anymore, yk? i have just have kind of accepted that im too much for anybody to handle or understand, too traumatized, too broken. a lot of my actions that led up to me being thrown away could all be explained by my trauma or just mental struggle, and yet it wasnt taken into account, it was so obvious i just needed a helping hand but instead i got everything taken away from me. since the last incident i really dont do much of anything, nor do i have much of a real reason to keep living. i just live on nothing but distractions and obsessions (ex. hyperfixations), im scared of getting close to anybody ever again; for a multitude of reasons. it is rather unhealthy of me to keep up appearances or be so distant like this, i know its not good for me, but its better than being berated, betrayed, abandoned or misunderstood. i worry whether or not ill make it through this year, and if i dont my dying wish is to be forgotten. i would rather be forgotten than remembered as somebody im not. divider divider

ENTRY 03: SEPTEMBER 4, 2024

i just, dont understand. it isnt fair. why dont i get any salvation? i thought you lot were all about helping other people and treating them with respect, and being respectful of others and their harmless mechanisms... so why was i tossed and judged? id love to go more into detail about that here, but its the one thing i cant, i would need to privately. but i wont ever get that chance, so the wound will never heal. being judged/questioned/criticized over something that was just a healthy coping mechanism of mine that had no reason to be brought up during the tear down session damaged me to the point to where ive went back to just a knife, because i feel ashamed doing anything else. i also stopped the one we met on, because i cant handle the association, or risk of running into any of you or your associates (this is vague on purpose). its just me, my obsessions and my knife. divider divider

ENTRY 04: SEPTEMBER 4, 2024

oh. i got another message on my strawpage, but it feels rather... targeted, and i mean its as if the person knows something about me, im sure its just a coincidence. but regardless, my paranoia is on the loose, thank you.

on the topic of such, my paranoia has been off the rails after i noticed something upon return. i remember when you said youd protect me from this very thing, but your selfishness got the best of you, you couldnt handle someone damaged differently than yourself. now i have to fend on my own, it wont end like 2022 this time either, i dont have backup. i wish i went through with March 1st. divider divider

ENTRY 05: SEPTEMBER 4, 2024

okay! update about the last entry, i do not believe the strawpage message was "just a coincidence" anymore. i had just woken up when i initially looked, and didnt look at how long ago it was sent. i went to bed around 10 PM last night, and it was sent 3 hours ago (2 AM), meaning i was asleep. meaning someone opened it from one of my socials, deliberately, while i was asleep. it definitely has to be from someone i knew in the past considering the contents, i dont know who but i sure have ideas. divider divider

ENTRY 06: SEPTEMBER 4, 2024

its not enough, it will never be enough. i dont think im going to make it to 2025. i genuinely dont see the point anymore, ill never find a replacement. divider divider

ENTRY 07: SEPTEMBER 12, 2024

been feeling like this image a bit but make it include just smoking or drinking

whoops

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ENTRY 08: SEPTEMBER 14, 2024

i feel really weird, i dont even know how to explain it but, its complex. how did i get here? ahaha... fuck.

also this isnt related to any entries prior btw, so take this yap session with a grain of salt since this is one of the first entries that isnt negative or laced with paranoia

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ENTRY 09: OCTOBER 3, 2024

im going to suffer so much if/when i move fandoms again, because ill have to update my theme and icons everywhere again, i havent even finished updating everything currently yet theres only like 2 things that havent been updated now... and theyre both carrds, also one of my rentrys hasnt been updated as well... but ill get to it all, someday... lmao

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ENTRY 10: OCTOBER 9, 2024

hey, its me again. i am once again questioning my survival. i know ive made promises, and i have plans whether it be for projects or just things to do already mapped out for the coming months but... i cant help but feel. scared? i feel like im meant to die, i feel guilty even continuing to survive like this. i feel like i dont want to fight anymore, ive felt this way for awhile... despite having quite a bit of closure i just. i dont know. i want to cry, i dont want to hurt anybody else, and i dont want to be alive after causing so much damage, i feel like i dont deserve to. i feel so much guilt that i feel like i dont deserve to live... and even if ive changed, no matter how much i change and work on myself will i ever be able to undo the damage already done... im damaged, and ive caused too much damage without meaning to. this guilt in my heart, it is going to kill me, and im going to be misremembered.

so please, when the time comes, forget about me. my biggest fear is to be remembered for somebody im not, as a bad person, so i would rather be forgotten; lost to time. that is my final wish for when my time comes.

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ENTRY 11: OCTOBER 10, 2024

i feel so fucking lost its slowly driving me insane. i go from feeling hopeful and happy about where i am, and feeling like i can do what i want and have a sense of freedom over my interests and such... and then i look at everybody around me, i look at people i think on the outside look cool and just. all that hope shatters, constant reminders that ill never be how i was before 2021 no. before 2018, ill never be what you want me to be, ill never be what you like. im just some fucking freak whos split himself into two different people just for the sake of safety. im sick and tired of lying, im sick and tired of hiding, but i have to. i was trying to break free and just be honest and remove all the separation slowly, but my fear is too immense. and what gave me that confidence is fucking gone. whether i continue to hide and lie or just be me, im going to lose everything no matter what i do. i have seen it happen, and i have to watch or see it happen every other fucking month.

i am different. and i know there are others like me, but... how can i find them? when im so fucking scared of everybody? and how do i know its not fake? how do i know the tables wont turn, that they wont flip sides? it makes me upset. i am so utterly upset. im so fucking upset that i even have to censor myself, that i have to lie, that i have to hide, that i cant present myself how i want to be. when all i want is to be... free.

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ENTRY 12: OCTOBER 10, 2024

its not only the guilt in my heart that upsets me, its the anger and vengefulness i feel. you werent the only one hurt, you werent the only one who felt uncomfortable. i just wish we were both honest, then nobody wouldve been hurt, i feel like it wouldve been better if we never even met, actually. even i supposedly was the only reason you were alive, which made me feel like i had a life in my hands; it stressed me out even more, the piles and piles of stress i was under, how triggered i was because i let my boundaries be broken... it all falls on lack of communication. all of this was a communication error on both sides, that left us both traumatized and broken. and in the end, there isnt exactly full closure on either side, you dont know my full truth, or how i was hurt/made uncomfortable. and i doubt i know everything, either.

i know i made big mistakes caused by the stress i was under, the paranoia i felt, i shouldve took a step back. i should of communicated how i was feeling instead of bottling it all up or lying, but some things just felt hard or scary to talk about, and i genuinely just. struggle to explain myself as it is, which always in of itself causes more problems. the guilt will never leave me, and knowing im just. going to be remembered as this horrible person on purpose, without any remedy... is kind of the reason that my wish to be forgotten is stronger than ever.

i do also strongly feel like this is simply a repeat of 2021, i know i compared a lot of things i shouldnt have and maybe it is wrong to compare, but there are parallels. maybe not between people, but between incidents and reactions, and the over all motive of things. both times my goal was to protect, and look how it ended. trauma. for both parties. the parallels of each year... well. both times. both incidents of where the ending came into play happened in may, albeit one in early/mid may (may 5th to may 14th) and one in late may (may 17th 2024, day after a 2021 death). both incidents the person returned in june, in fact in this case it was a DAY APART. june 10th (2021), june 11th (2024), do you fucking see why i think this is just a repeat? just with different trauma and nobody died this time, at least, not that i know of.

it almost feels purposeful, i know its not, but that is just how it feels... also to be expected to just be. okay. the day after another year anniversary of somebodys death and not be a little grumpy is a bit insane. another reason it feels purposeful. speaking of 2021, whats even more stressful is just last month (September) i learned that 2021 is out there somewhere, and the messages on my strawpage prove so as well. i knew since march that was the case, but not in the same way, and i hadnt gotten any messages yet. i remember you said youd be there for me in case this had ever happened, but, you thought i was angry when i was not, and turned the tides. traumatizing us both. i wish we either never met, or just. fucking. communicated.

with all of this, i have set myself out with a strong promise that i will never ever try to help anybody ever again; i simply just cant. i stress myself out doing so, and i always seem to break my own boundaries every single time, which always is bound to end in a trainwreck. even if this means i may go silent when somebody vents to me, its to protect myself. i wish i never tried to be some sort of hero, im just a traumatized fag with a heart too big for for his own good, mixed in with paranoia... it doesnt mix well. my actions were never meant in malice, i acted out of stress and i deeply regret that. and ill say it as many times as i have to. i just wish to have some sort of clarity. divider divider

ENTRY 13: OCTOBER 20, 2024

why did you ever make that promise? what is wrong with you? why, why would you promise to get me out of here? and then ... do all that? why give me a sense of hope, a motive to push on and not isolate and die, and then just. rip that all away? its getting worse. with how its going, im not making it past 2025, even with the support of my friends, its the house thats the problem.

ive dug myself into a hole i initially had a plan to get out of, but then i just. shattered. im scared to do anything or ask for help, im trapped. so, why would you do that? make a promise so severe/serious like that? its almost made me want to die more.

if i didnt open up to other people, everything wouldve went as i planned after what happened, happened. i would have died. but i still had a little hope, a will to survive, i had hope that things would get better. i had hoped maybe the promise would stay, i only managed to process it was gone a month ago. if it keeps going downhill in this household, and how i dont have a way out — then im sorry for how its going to end. divider divider

ENTRY 14: OCTOBER 30, 2024

i dont even have the rest of this year properly planned out, my original plan was to die in july... and if that didnt happen (which it didnt, i made new friends; found reason. and september only gave me more reason to fight with its mild closure.), the next plan was to die either the 23rd (1 year since i mistake + smth else) and or... well... tonight/tomorrow. the 31st, 1 year since i made a mistake. also wouldnt it just, be fun to die on a holiday like halloween? anyways. i, want to die but i dont want to die. i dont want to disappoint my friends. to break the newer promises ive made. but i also really dont want to keep fighting anymore. i feel like, im... in between life and death? i feel so much guilt even being alive. and im tired of breathing. every day i have some sort of odd spiral, my heart acts up or aches; whether its triggered by something or not. im just so so tired of it. im tired of healing, im tired of fighting when all ive ever set myself out to do since 2022 is to die. i am not meant to still be alive.

and with all this, all at the same time, i cant help but feel... tired of everyone around me? because of it? just, tired of people caring for me? i feel shackled here. im meant to die but, i feel like i dont have a choice but to stay because i dont want to hurt anybody, all ive ever wanted was to make people happy... and yet, i hurt people and i hurt myself. i dont mean to, so i feel trapped in an endless loop of life and death. i dont see a solution anytime soon... and yet, at the same time, i still have an ounce of fight in me, a will to survive. i cant really tell who i am or what i want anymore. all i know is im supposed to make it to December for some birthdays (3 of them) and to be able to make up even more, but im so fucking scared i wont be able to keep myself afloat. especially if anything else happens and shoots me down, im in a pretty fragile state.

and i often find myself wondering... what would happen, anyway? if i fail? what would really happen? will my wish of being forgotten be granted within a few months? will everyone be able to move on and heal? i hope it wouldnt hurt as bad as i fear it would, but... surely it, couldnt cause more pain or damage than ive already caused by being alive, right? surely it... wouldnt hurt as bad, right? i... dont know. i really dont know. i know ive made a positive impact on peoples lives and all but, is that really enough? to rectify the damage already done to others? i cant undo whats already been done. and thats the hardest part of survival, of healing. so i wonder, is it worth it? what is the point anymore? ... ill see you tomorrow, i guess. divider divider

ENTRY 15: OCTOBER 31, 2024

hi, happy halloween, im alive. that is the point of this entry, i had originally wrote a bunch that was basically a recap of everything that happened but i made so much progress, opened discord for a second... and it erased everything that i had wrote so i give up. no proper update today. ive already bitched about it enough i guess. ill rant and recap it all another time, i guess as ive lost my original train of thought. for now ill just rant about this so this isnt so short.

i have like, two friends that cant seem to understand what "space" is, and get annoyed whenever i go silent or want time alone, because im not so great at communicating it so theyll have a hissy fit about it. i opened discord to check one of the notifications and look back at something to make sure i wasnt misremembering a date something occurred... and as soon as i looked back rentry had erased everything i had written, i was just reflecting on everything that had happened and writing a recap of events, but ive lost that train of thought and dont feel like writing all that again/reopening the wounds to process. so, fuck this entry, im using it to rant about my needs. which was NOT what was originally planned.

i want people to understand i like to be alone sometimes, im not just some yap machine that can talk all the time, i get burned out or stressed or just want to make myself busy or to be alone. and it is very hard to tell people when i want to be alone, i get that it can be frustrating, but its also just as frustrating when people criticize my character over it. i shouldnt have to tell people every single little thing i am doing just so i can be alone or do anything i want to, and its upsetting that that is expected of me by a few people. its a mild thing, but it gets on my nerves a lot. especially with how often it seems to happen, i just wish every one of my friends understood... most of them do, its simply only a minor few (2) that dont. and get annoyed or mad over me wanting space and struggling to explain it/notify people this was literally not a problem before, i dont know why it is now; especially when im in the middle of healing. there are GOING to be times of silence, especially when im trying to hold myself together day by day after everything. i thought that would be universally understood, like "hey, it needs space... i can tell its not doing well, ill wait until it responds", but i dont get that instead its just "hey im really annoyed with how youre not responding to me right now", its upsetting. i am likely not the right friend for you if you cannot respect this, honestly. thank you. divider divider

ENTRY 16: NOVEMBER 2, 2024

i am not well, i am struggling. i hate confrontation i hate setting certain boundaries, its scary. it doesnt help that im also so used to being berated for trying to set certain ones (not all, most boundaries i can set no problem/rather strictly) like specifically related to space and stuff. im REALLY good at setting boundaries but not when it comes to personal space/needing time alone or anything related to my discomfort... also stuff related to venting too, i cant handle severe venting or constant trauma dumping like i constantly had set myself out to handle previously... but im learning, im growing, im changing, and i NEED to accept the fact i CANNOT handle that kinda stuff. and i refuse to ruin someone elses life over it out of stress again, i am going to be better... i can be, i need to be. whenever im met with either of these problems i just. shut down. im scared of setting the boundary because it makes me feel like an absolute asshole that i know i am not, but ignoring in of itself is sort of a dick move so im just. head in hands.

i get stressed out or uncomfortable and i just, shut down. at least ive myself under control so i dont hurt anybody or myself, i just kind of shut down to protect myself, i go silent. which... then pisses people off in turn. so sometimes i just think... what am i supposed to do? i shut down, people get angry, and if i do what i did in the past i not only hurt others but also piss them off (rightfully so). and setting boundaries also can make people angry and sassy too so... what do i do? i am scared of angry people (despite being one myself, but i think thats learned from how i was raised; and i am working on it) and i want to do anything/everything in my power to prevent people from being angry at me. to prevent being abandoned... again.

it all feels like a lose-lose situation no matter what i do, and its kind of stressing me out and my heads an absolute mess. i just want this to pass already, i want to ignore it until it goes away; but that isnt the right thing to do. divider divider

ENTRY 17: NOVEMBER 3, 2024

fuck. divider divider

ENTRY 18: NOVEMBER 4, 2024

i really really really need to work on the music page of this rentry, but im lazy, but it would be really fun to do. what i have planned for it is already written there, its kinda like a way to vent/relate with songs which is really fun/beneficial for me... and itll show how far ive come learning stuff about myself with the help of music oddly... ill work on it someday i swear divider divider

ENTRY 19: NOVEMBER 15, 2024

goddamnir i triggered myself i just triggered myself so fucking badly im spiraling im not fine i. i qas just looking for somethingso i typed one eord i knew was in iy and dound something ihhavent deleted andnow im unwell, i want to puke i want to harm myself ifeel guilty and and divider divider

ENTRY 20: NOVEMBER 20, 2024

hey, its me again. i did something stupid, again... well, sorta. for a few hours i was just kinda fucking around trying to find a specific date for something that i vaguely remember in 2020, i cant get an exact date but i can estimate given two examples that it was in between may or july of 2020... but thats besides the point

basically, curiosity killed the cat. i kept searching even after confirming what i wanted to find, i wanted to see if i could trace any memories of someone, and i know of one video out there that still exists, its like a time capsule, of a life thats been lost. i tried to find more before refinding and rewatching the one i already have catalogued to look back at, to be able to remember again, even though it shatters me every single time i look back at it. although... it wasnt as bad this time, but it definitely hurts for other reasons, this time. i still mourn, i still grieve, even after all this time. and i never remember what was said or going on, so rereading in that video just. shatters me every time, sometimes i forget i really was... a friend, even if i cant remember much of our talks at all, but i do have some key memories... after everything happened, i tried to repress it all, after that life was lost. every single time i look back, i still cry. and yet, i still do it, knowing how much it will hurt... but i cant ever forget, i cant let myself forget.

i can still remember the timeline of events for most things, that video with such a memory is from October 23rd, 2020. but now that date has a double meaning because of a stupid choice i made last year, and now im just. shattered more than i was before. divider divider

ENTRY 21: DECEMBER 4, 2024

merry christmas, its December so... anyways! hi, update time ..

things have been going a lot better, a lot better, its been the best start of the month, and the best few days ive had in awhile and im sure its only going to keep getting better and better, and im going to keep crying out of happiness with newfound support and sense of belonging; along with that that already existed and is expanding. i know its not November anymore, but i cant even begin to describe how thankful i am, for all my friends, for everyone whos helped me or made me smile even slightly, after everything,,

but i cant help but still feel, rather scared, and even... guilty? im scared of losing everything, im scared of hurting or disappointing people, im scared that i may be too much... and guilt wise, i guess i feel like... i dont deserve anything, and ive been feeling that way ever since May/June, even though i dont truly believe that, it still gets to me. i mean, after what happened — who... wouldnt feel that way? i know im beating a dead horse by this point, but i cant stop remembering it and thinking about it all, i cant see myself as a good person no matter how hard i try, no matter how much ive worked on myself or changed. i so strongly fear that i am going to ruin somebody elses life, i cant undo the damage ive already done in the past, and even if i change, grow, feel guilty; you name it... someone was severely hurt, and theres nothing that can be done to change that. and just, knowing that, really fucks with me. its what causes this feeling that i dont deserve the good im getting, feeling that i. dont deserve to live. ive ruined lives, and even if i regret it, even if ive changed, will it ever really amount to. worth? i dont know,, divider divider

ENTRY 22: JANUARY 17, 2025

happy very late new year! i made it, i guess... im still alive and kickin', despite everything. anyway, im here to rant about my trifles, you already know the drill im sure! i like to imagine im screaming into the void when i write these, but i know at least two people (hi loves) read them, so, here goes!

im sick again for the first time in a year, its still not as bad as December 2023 and probably wont be, but still rather annoying... but thats not what im here to cry about today. im just feeling a tad bit of anxiety again, very common theme with these entries, but i feel a tad paranoid too? i feel like everything is going to collapse, i dont know why or how to explain it i just. feel it? i guess? i still have this constant feeling that everything is going to fall apart and that im going to lose or disappoint everybody no matter what i do, not everybody is going to be happy, and that thought... hurts. it hurts and it makes me scared, its the kind of thing that makes me feel like i should isolate to protect myself, but that only makes me worse and hurts others too. so in a way, i feel. stuck? im fine im just, having a moment i guess. but i feel like something bad is coming. something bad is going to happen, i just dont know what. but. i think its just my head talking again, but that doesnt mean im not scared.

i fear everybody is going to lose patience with me, lose trust, or grow tired of me, and i have always had this fear because of my abandonment issues and all but. after last year, it got worse, and im still not entirely sure how im supposed to cope with it. it doesnt help that i have trust issues, too, but with how/who i am as a person, having to lie to protect myself sometimes, it stresses me out. and makes me rather paranoid, too, i cling to everything in case of loss. if things had went how i was trying last year, i would have been a lot more strict with who i befriended. but, then i was abandoned by those who aligned with myself leaving me stranded with mostly people who dont — so im forced to be two people, which stresses me out, just in case i lose anything. if i lose the places i feel safer/the people i feel safer with, ill shatter. but i can survive losing those i feel like i have to hide around, it will still hurt, but ill get over it. if i had the choice, i would be an honest man. i feel like, if 2021 (or last year a bit too) never happened, i wouldnt have this bad of paranoia. i honestly would do anything to go back to 2018, and change all my choices, and do things better or differently, be a better – or ... a good person.

of course, there are some things i would want to stay the same, specifically meeting certain people, i have met a lot of wonderful people last year, and i wouldnt trade it for anything. things have been really good, better than theyve been for awhile, and i would say that im at my best too — im gaining confidence, i feel stronger, im doing better and being better. ive learned a lot, and improved a lot, i feel. proud of myself. but at the same time, im still scared of myself and everybody around me, im still scared of everything, but i keep pushing. i still want to die, but i keep pushing. i still feel like im going to fail, disappoint everyone, or lose everything, but i. keep. pushing. on. no matter what, through everything. i want to be someone worthwhile, i want. to have worth, i dont want to be a disappointment or untrustworthy, i dont want to be a bad person and never have. i just want to be me, to be loved... i know i am loved at least, and i can accept and understand that now, but i still feel fear ill lose that as i fear losing everything and everybody else. every space, i feel like an invisible target is on me and ill be shot at any moment — but i know thats just my paranoia.

tl;dr: im paranoid and full of anxiety, nothing new, honestly divider divider

ENTRY 23: JANUARY 25, 2025

ah. i dont know why i feel like im struggling so much today, ive been making myself busy and doing everything in my power to distract myself from my head, and i have support and stuff... i shouldnt be so down, i dont get why my head is so clogged with suicide? but. maybe, maybe its the date? i know i have a habit of getting down in the dumps when a traumatic date hits and. this is one. so i just. i dont know. all that i need is to survive this household, to get out of it. and it. i worry, honestly. i really do still worry about my survival, but i have enough support and enough distractions that i think i can, but i still have fear. im very scattered right now, my head is all over the place, i feel like im struggling but i also feel so happy and loved and have everything ive ever wanted i jsut... huhigdhfgh... im sorry divider divider

ENTRY 24: FEBRUARY 2, 2025

alright, this is going to be a tad bit different, still similar to older entries in a way that i am going to be vague, so lets see how this goes, its upsetting this is negative(?... id like to say its more neutral but still has negative context, i guess?) rather than positive but uhhhhhhh, here goes

i would usually start off by being rather blunt, but i dont think being blunt is entirely the smartest knowing how i speak or word things in general, i have a way with words that i feel like is either too obvious or too confusing sometimes, which is why i think im going to struggle writing this... but let me start this off for the major doomsday worriers: no, it is not over death/suicide, its just more so mixed feelings and more than that i dont really want to say, but i guess it also connects to identity? worth? i dont know how to write this at all so well just go as i think, while also with carefulness, ah. anyway! .......

something feels, wrong, off, i dont know how to put it, but... its... not right? its weird, its so weird, i feel like throwing up. is this how it felt? i dont want to make the same mistake that was done to me, i dont want to be silent, but i also dont want to speak... and i entirely understand that feeling now, i think i understand why things went the way they did on the side that is not mine. it almost makes me hate myself and my actions even more than i already have, my guilt seems to strengthen the more i think to myself or about myself and my thoughts. im sure this is just a phase and ill get over this but, fuck. i just. what am i? what am i, really? am i a person or not?

its funny, maybe im just overreacting but theres more than one thing circling my head now thats thrown me in this woozy state, i dont know how i feel anymore, im. lost, concerned, scared, worried, just- a lot. its like an identity crisis of worth, i dont know if im just something for comfort or a person, im such a goddamn doormat it is going to be the death of me, thats all i do know, at least. divider divider

ENTRY 25: FEBRUARY 19, 2025

first angry one in awhile, and its related to entry 17, i originally was thinking to myself "oh, ill never bring it up publicly just for safety" yada yada yada but you know what? honestly? im tired. i am tired of this shit repeating every month or two, and i know i should do something and i know im probably the only one with the most power considering im closer to one half, however... after what i had to go through last year, i would feel like im putting myself in that stressful situation, and that i would hurt the other person; probably both. and i, i dont want to hurt my friends, i really dont, and i feel so fucking powerless just sitting here and fucking watching this constantly loop over and over again. but i cant do anything, any talk of moving forward about it stresses me out. i know i might be already mad at each of them for different reasons too, but fuck.

if last year never happened, i wouldnt have had to meet the people i have, im not really sure where id be, maybe still with the same group under different circumstances... with how things are right now, i wouldnt like that, i like the people ive met, i just wish the trauma of being on the side that was being torn apart wasnt there so i could step in like im supposed to. i wish i didnt get so frozen and stressed out at the idea of confronting one half, the closer half, getting a side, because in every situation i believe you should always hear both sides before doing anything. especially after what happened to me, my side being ignored at first was one of the most painful experiences and it nearly killed me, i never want to put somebody else through that, i fear hurting somebody else the same way i was. thats why im so scared to step in, to stop this toxic cycle im so tired of watching as an outsider. these are my friends, and it. it hurts. it hurts so fucking much.

then theres the half that is also mad for different reasons, like how i said "i know i might be already mad at each of them for different reasons too", its related to entry 11 technically, also related to the very thing you can find in my dni, and even more if you dig... anyway, i feel like im wanted dead, by my own friend, over one response. and they dont even know i feel this frustration because its a topic thats hard to bring up, everything combined just. i feel like im at a loss, im mad, im frustrated, im stressed, im hurt, its just. too saddening. divider divider

ENTRY 26: FEBRUARY 24, 2025

it will never not fascinate me the way my body- or i guess the human body in general handles emotion/strong emotions, when it comes to stress, anger or anxiety. when its stress or anxiety i find myself tensing up and shaking, i feel sick, i feel weak, its such a weird feeling that i sometimes feel like i cant pinpoint or truly ever describe. sadness i can feel numb, but also tense up if combined with anxiety, i feel like i cry less from sadness but more when im scared or stressed... which id assume is a trauma response with how i was kind of raised to not cry, i was teased or told to be tough, ive always been raised kind of boyish i think. it makes me feel like a monster in a way, i guess i will never truly understand my own emotions; and thats okay. but i shouldnt demonize myself for them, or other people for their emotions either.

i think after last year, with all ive learned, ive tried to teach myself to be way more understanding and stuff especially in incredibly stressful situations, and ive been able to keep myself pretty calm during the events but i usually break silently after the fact, but get right back up again. it doesnt mean i dont carry over some fear and worries from events, i just learn to cope with the fear in the back of my mind, but sometimes i feel it boil over and i cry. but, i do have people i can talk to about things, so it helps me sort it out a little better! im, very thankful for that. i think even if bad things happen, ill be able to be okay, and get back up again. i still doubt myself, but at the same time i also think im strong enough that i can handle it. im utterly terrified, but im willing to try. so i just- to everyone whos important to me, thank you, for believing in me,, divider divider

ENTRY 27: FEBRUARY 24, 2025

appearances, keep up appearances, and everybody will be happy. pretend i am somebody else that i am not, pretend i dont know anything, pretend that i am not hurt, pretend that i am unbothered, just. pretend. lie. all for safety and security, and yet it stresses me out more than words can even describe. but its all that i can do. divider divider

ENTRY 28: FEBRUARY 27, 2025

im feeling way too much right now, way too many emotions and i feel like im shattering and i just. fuck. i need to vomit everything out before i get any worse tonight, its 4 AM in the morning and usually id go to sleep by now but i just- its too much, its too fucking much. i feel pretty much everything negative i can think of: anger, sadness, guilt, confusion... and more, i just. i dont know who or what i am anymore, i dont know what i want, i dont know whats wrong with me but somethings very wrong, it might just be everything constantly piling and piling on top of each other. im fucking shaking.

i dont know why im like this entirely and i really fear stressing anyone else out, i hate myself for feeling these emotions and fears and feel guilty that other people have to put up with me knowing how stressful it can be sometimes. i feel like i bring people down, i dont want people to worry and care for me so badly but i also need that support, that stability, that company, it really does help me.

theres been just, so much going on lately and i keep having these little thoughts distress me every now and again relating to everything, relating to others, myself, my views opinions, my past, my trauma; all that jazz. i feel so guilty feeling the way i do in every sense of the word, and i dont know how to explain and and i feel like im wrong it. it hurts, i feel horrible, i feel selfish i feel gross i feel stressed i feel sad i feel angry i feel guilty i feel confusion i feel lost i feel worthless i feel. just. everything. what are my feelings, really? who am i? and what purpose do i serve? what do i mean? am i enough-? will i be a person? am i doing well? do... i have a purpose? im, lost, im incredibly lost. its probably just late night rambles ill forget what any of it means again, but all i know right now is that it hurts. everything hurts.

i know im probably having a weird identity crisis again triggered by my opinions and other things, but, in short i think i just want to be a perfect person, which physically is not possible. i want to be likeable by everybody, and seen as a person or someone worthy of life, not someone whos misunderstood over his own interests, opinions or mechanisms. i want to be able to do things without the guilt or fear of making others upset, i want to be myself, i dont want to hide away anymore. ive been doing exactly that for nearly 4 years now, it pains me. its part of the reason i cling to some people so hard, because people who truly understand me or are like me are hard to come by. yes, it will always hurt to lose those who do not match me, but it will utterly shatter me to lose those who are just like me, and fishing for new people is stressful and also very tiring. the way i see it is ill just be diving into a pond of pythons with a one or two bluegills in there.

i dont think i would be struggling this hard if things were different, if everybody wasnt so toxic, if everyone was just- kind and understanding, but nobody like that really exists anymore, or at least theyre harder for me to find, and honesty is a difficult thing. trust? difficult, to truly be able to form a sense of closeness, i have to form a sense of trust with the person. which requires me to know where they stand 100% in order for me to open up and start to be honest with that person, sometimes its a slow process, sometimes its pretty fast. it really depends on the person and what i can personally tell beforehand. honestly, a lot of my friends are more like acquaintances and only a select few know my secrets and know. me, which is another reason i cling so hard; i feel like i have very little. namely just, 6 people, really. so losing anybody would be detrimental. i dont want to be stuck with people i feel like i cant talk to or confide in, not again. i dont believe i am strong enough to survive a second time (this is if i lose more than one person).

i want to survive, i want to be happy, believe me. and for the most part- i am! i am happy, and i believe i can survive, im just scared. and i will always be scared, i will always have moments of this immense fear and paranoia. but it isnt all the time, i hope it doesnt kill those around me or make me too much to handle, because i never want to be a stresser for anybody, its not my intention. i want to be able to help other people and lift weight off their shoulders- not add more to them. i dont want to disappoint anybody; like i said: i want to be perfect. nothing less than perfect. i want to be someone worthwhile, to truly have a purpose. someone irreplaceable. and yet, at the same time, if i die, i want... to be forgotten. that hasnt changed. because i know, i know for a fact i will not be remembered how i want to be. i will not be remembered as me, therefore i would rather just. seize to exist, once i finally pass.

i feel incredibly disappointed, confused and guilty with myself over my own emotions, and in a way its making me feel an odd identity crisis, in more ways than one and im not really sure how im supposed to explain it. i dont know who i am or what im supposed to be, what is wanted of me. i still find myself feeling like i should be what other people want me to be, do what other people want me to do, and not be true to myself or do what i want to do or be who i want to be. i hope with time ill be able to heal and feel more secure, i hope things stay how they are, i dont want to lose anything. its been wonderful, ive been happier, please, god, dont take away my last sunshine.

i love you all, thank you for sticking with me, whoevers there, goodnight. divider divider

ENTRY 29: MARCH 3, 2025

i want to crash out, you dont understand how badly i want to crash out, but i know that isnt right of me. but i feel gross enough that i wanna throw up all over the place again, i am upset with myself and my own words the more that i think about them. although, i do believe i have a right to be upset, a right to be angry; in any case. but regardless, i just feel like im not a person anymore, and maybe thats partly why i am so harsh on myself over every single little thing, especially my emotions. ive always struggled with my humanity and seeing myself as a person or a good light, and ive always needed a sense of worth or importance to feel like a person, to really feel happy, and when i feel jealousy even within happiness i feel like that whole perception shatters. i put my humanity or worth in the eyes of other people, how they percieve me — more times than not is how i am going to percieve myself. i dont know how to really explain it, but i think that explains it pretty well, and i think its why i rely on the things i do, why i may seem desperate or powerless when im alone. why im quick to snap in a frenzy of jealousy. when i am tossed aside, in any way, replaced in any way, i just. my worth shatters, and it usually takes me months and the right people to pick myself back up, and in between this time theres a lot of moments i cling to death and or lash out at those around me/closest to me. its in a way like grief, its like ive lost myself, and i dont know how to handle it in those cases.

i dont feel like im enough, and its making my worth stutter a tad, its making me question everything, now yeah i guess this isnt exactly new but. i dont know, its eating away at me more and more as the days go by, and i feel both confident and strong enough that i can handle it — but at the same time i feel like im going to spiral, and im not really sure of anything at all. today, was a really good day, and i think things are going to look up from here, and i think thats why im having these emotions right now. its a combonation of the negatives being unsettled and then suddenly overridden by a sudden really good thing, if that makes sense? i have been feeling incredibly guilty as well with some of the thoughts that come to my head, they arent really bad or anything, theyre just how i feel about myself or the way things are going, mostly just self blame or questioning everything. basically, all i fucking want is to be enough, is it really that hard to understand? i want to be worth it. i want to be enough. i try my hardest to give my all and understand that not all my wants are going to be met and due time, and i can and fucking will push my self if i have to, i know myself and i know that i am not entirely a pussy and that i CAN stand up and push with enough motivation no matter HOW stressful or scary the situation or thing may be. every single person needs to be strong, for both themself and the people around them. you cannot be a coward for all your life and expect everything to work out. i dont want everything ive ever done to go to waste like everything did in 2021 or 2024, all the genuine advice and care i give to just be washed down someones drain of blood.

i am alive and yet i am dead at the same time, and if anything is going to kill me it at this rate it is going to be my own heart. and if i am going to die, i hope that that is the cause, i hope it is my heart; and no. i dont mean now, i do want to keep living for as long as possible, as long as it lets me, but i am so deeply convinced it is going to die of stress or just an attack. and, honestly, it just feels right. it feels right for my heart to be the reason that i die, with the symbolism the heart usually has. i am a very loyal, caring, and loving person, and i give my all and try my best for everyone, even if it seems small. i practically sell myself out to other people, while i also do have a little love for myself, even if its rather small compared to what i give. if it were to kill me, it just feels right in that sense for the heart usually representing love, in a way. itll feel like i lived a purpose, is how i see it, its weird, its morbid, but its just how i feel.

anyways, i dont really know what else to say, or what i feel comfortable saying in a public space, so i think. im just going to end this one here and figure out how to cope with the unspoken, ill probably throw up and put myself to sleep (it is a halfway through 4 AM as i am writing this). so tl;dr: i am feeling too much fear and uncertainty with myself and everything around me, too many emotions that i do not know how to handle or what to do. divider divider

ENTRY 30: MARCH 3, 2025

second entry today, i know, but i still feel fucking mad and i keep randomly boiling up, and i know this feeling probably wont go away until everything else does, and god knows how long thatll be. i am controlled, i can keep myself under control, i know exactly whats causing this feeling and its everytime i let my mind drift a certain way. i am basically devaluing my importance by putting people above me, in a way, and in this case its not even fucking fair. i feel like this impending "destruction", is going to take everything from me. i know i said otherwise, i know i said im fine, and thats why i am angry with myself, thats why i want to throw up until i see blood and gore. i am fucking paranoid beyond belief and i in fact have been ever since i was made aware, its just at the start it was more like a back of mind kind of thought, but now it feels like a direct threat to me and my well being. my worth. i want to be a strong person, i want to stand up for myself, i want to speak my mind and how i feel, but i know for a fact i do not infact have that power; i am a coward, a wolf in sheeps clothing.

people will always tell you, lie to your face: "oh, you can be honest with me!" but that usually isnt the truth when it isnt what they want to hear, when theyre being selfish. i have learned this time and time again, and i fall for it every single fucking time like a fish does for bait. i like criticism, when i am wrong i would like to be told that i am, i would like to be told that i am out of line, i want that criticism, past me wouldnt. past me couldnt handle it, but after last year, i have been doing everything in my power to be a good person, and i take that criticism, everything that was said to me, whether it was a kind way or not; and use it to better myself. i am fully open to change, if i am wrong. but i know a lot of people arent, and a lot of people cant handle it. theyll get all boohoo and cry over it, try and guilt their way out of it, make you feel bad for pointing out anything suspicious so they can keep their ways, like i used to. it doesnt fool me anymore, it just pisses me off.

now, dont get me wrong, i do understand that hearing the truth hurts, i went through it. but i didnt want to let anybody down, i wanted to be better, and i still am working on myself. i am not a perfect person, nobody is, i just wish more people were patient with themselves and others, patient and understanding with how other people feel about their own actions. you cannot justify everything, every thought in your head, not everthing needs to be said. not every thought in your head is true, dont ever follow your head, follow your heart. even if its confusing, analyze the sitation, what feels right? how does everyone feel? how do you feel? if you feel like youre weak or at a loss, push on. thats what i do, i feel a lot of low emotions i cannot fully put into words, and i have always felt. trapped, i feel trapped. its hard to explain, but i just do, its been this was since i believe 2019? worse by 2023, i never really care how i feel, i just keep pushing. i see how my actions or thoughts affect others, and keep pushing, i am here to appease; and that makes me happy. i am uncertain and scared of everything and everybody, but those same people also tend to be of help and comfort, and with my fear, sometimes i have thoughts of throwing everybody away and just being fully alone; but i know that is NOT what i truly want, not a healthy thought, it wouldnt benefit me in any way. if anything, it would make me worse, i wouldnt have support when im struggling, yeah i wouldnt be able to be hurt by anybody anymore; but id be fully helpless. do you get what im trying to say, now? sometimes, i think people dont truly understand themselves or their own emotions, what they really want or what they can or cannot handle. things may feel different than they really are, especially under pressure or stress. just try and keep a clear head and push on, and there are always hands and hope to fall back on. i sure as hell do not believe in myself or my own emotions, and am utterly confused with my emotions and thoughts all the time, i have a clusterfuck of thoughts that i do try my best to sort out and think of potential reasons or causes for; and usually it helps me ease myself a little. i can tell whats nonsense and what is true, and the things i cant figure out i just figure out how to cope with. i hope everyone else can do the same as i. it isnt worth hurting other people over your own head, i know that, ive done it. i just, want everybody to be kind to everybody and themselves. dont be selfish, be understanding and loving. and if you are trying, thank you, i am proud of you.

anyway, im sorry for another long one, im noticing these are starting to get longer and longer; but i just have a lot of feelings i feel like i need to let out, a lot of words to say, but, this is the end of this one. so, once again i apologize, and i thank everybody whos really trying, i am proud of you. divider divider

ENTRY 31: MARCH 5, 2025

all i really can do is wait it out, its the only choice i really have. i have support, so ill be fine, but if anything goes awry i will crash out. i am fully prepared to let it be known how this kind of stuff affects me, if i have to. obviously im mature enough that i wont just rip and tear immediately (but this also does depend on the situation, honestly), ill try to mend and reason and if its all just a dead end thats when ill show how i really feel about it. as of now, i feel like my voice wasnt heard, and ill make it heard when the time comes, if/when i have to.

i feel rather angry and upset whenever i think about it all, and i know it wont fade until i feel secure again. but i dont feel secure, and in a way its my fault for being such a fucking people pleaser. i think what also pisses me off is just, the misuse of it. but ill explain that if i near a crashout. id rather deal with it when a threat arises, not now. for now ill grip onto the anger and agony i hold, an uncertain sadness and consistant state of paranoia and uncertainty; all of which i know how to manage. i have people i can talk to to manage it better too if it becomes too much for me, which is such a blessing.

honestly im starting to think the months that start with "M" are curses considering bad always happens during them, more so May is over March but March is usually decently bad, but never truly traumatic. trauma for me tends to happen in May and November, for years thats kind of how its been, something horrible and destructive always happens during those months (this isnt to say things dont happen other months too, its just not as often, ykwim?). but i know if anything does go wrong or get worse or whatever, i do now have proper stable support and people willing to help me, so i believe i can make it. no matter how suicidal and weak i end up getting. thank you. divider divider

ENTRY 32: MARCH 10, 2025

there is a reason i am absolutely so unhealthily obsessed with this song, why ive made it my personality for this month, and it will worsen the more my thoughts, feelings and paranoia do. the more my insecurity does. the more my jealousy does. the more my everything does. it is my rage song at this point, my song to cope, and pray to fucking god the world collapses before another pathetic finger can hurt me. from the lyrics and its just, meaning, even if nothings happened, its how itll feel to me. i could for fucking real start just quoting lyrics and explaining why i feel this way, but that is already planned for a different page. just pay attention to the lyrics and its meanings, i guess you could get an idea what my fear is. and how i (put me in the "narrator" spot) would feel/handle it, obviously i wouldnt murder like it is implied but. you know.

i know myself far too well, and i know my darker thoughts. i know my want for vengence in cases that i fear will happen. especially when it feels important like this, i am happy and good (/ref ♫), but at what cost? for how long can i be stable until the world lets go of me? and everyone decides maybe, just maybe, im not worth it anymore. until the light goes out. until the sunshine fades. im already fighting for my goddamn life to stay alive in this worthless house, and i am being as patient as i physically can be. but that patiences can and will fade if it is not reciprocated to me. i am used to being abandoned, replaced, tossed aside, or treated as just a side play thing. i am putting my trust up one final time. i will drag everybody down with me if i have to, just so everyone can feel how I feel. maybe with enough pain, there will be a sense of realization. i guess, thats sort of how it was last year? i feel like i did drag people down to see how i felt, in a way, not exactly the same way, but they saw the agony. they saw a side of me theyve never seen before, and some minds did change. so a part of me just, thinks... maybe, maybe theres still hope. but the insecurity will not fade, reguardless. i am writing this to cope, thats why this page even exists... anyhow.

i know i have eyes to protect me, i just fear the hellfire thatll come with that, if and whenever it does... anyways, thats all i really wanted to vomit up, nighty nite (it is 4 AM as of writing this), im sorry. divider divider

ENTRY 33: MARCH 15, 2025

iknow im supposed to be asleep right now butim struggling to sleep, im breaking down again, im crying and shakingand i cant seem to settle my heart or breathing soim screaming into tgis voided space again

my fear is so powerful its causing my will to fight to strengthen, i genuinely dont see myself as a strong person butall but i try my best to be strong for others, to lift them up because thats what makes me happy, but god im so fucking scared of losing people, especially to death, i cannot lose another person to suicide, i physically cant handle that again. im breaking down at the thought of it and im so scared, im terrified. idomt want to fail anybody ever again imso scared i wont be enough im scared

my heart hurts, my heart hurts so fucking much, at the idea of mot being enough to keep people alive or happy, im scared of people dying on me, abandoning me, or replacing me, and im stressing to the brink i just — FUCK divider divider

ENTRY 34: MARCH 15, 2025

fullon breakjgdown om hyperventilating and crying offand on wnd i cant seem to put myself at ease, itstoo early inthe morning fr rhis but nothhngs calmkngme down, imso sorryim sorry im sorry im divider divider

ENTRY 35: MARCH 18, 2025

i did it. i left. i cant stand it anymore, theres a reason i usually dont become active in places, a reason i usually just. drop my work and nothing else. because i know me, i can become attached to almost anything! especially in vulnerable situations, and once that happens... its hard to detach, and usually it doesnt hurt me like this. but in this case, since it worked as a distraction for me, as something that helped me move on and heal, how it saved my life in a way, and introduced me to some of the most wonderful people... it hurts. thats why it hurts, its different. and it hurts more than fucking anything. divider divider

ENTRY 36: MARCH 19, 2025

i fear that the stress in my heart is going to kill me. the emotions, thoughts, feelings and guilt i hold dear, is going to kill me. i am going to die, i dont know when, but as of now i am hanging on the best i can. i want to be somebody. i want to be worth something, to be... enough. all i ask is: please, dont give up on me.

all the stress or emotion i tend to feel, it almost always goes to my heart it seems. its almost always the first thing to ache, hurt or palpitate when im in distress, and then my breathing follows suite if it escalates. im trying my best to cope and keep myself happy, but sometimes it feels like its too much, that everything is too much, the unknown scares me. i think i may be repressing a little, but im also trying to cope with that too.

all i truly need is patience, reassurance, security, support, company and love. without that, i am utterly powerless. i become an isolated shell of myself at worst, insecure at best. but i am typically always decently insecure, but i think its more obvious when theres a problem vs just normal insecurity. like i referenced in a previous entry; "I am happy and good, but goodness you all have to look out for me.", once again... i apologize, just. dont give up on me. i am trying. divider divider

ENTRY 37: MARCH 21, 2025

i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you, i love you so fucking much. youre so understanding and patient, and such a wonderful support, and loveable person to be around. so fun to talk to whether its in a call or through text, yapping to you or opening up to you — i feel incredibly safe in your presence. i trust you, i cherish you, i love you, you mean everything to me. you truly are my angel, and even through rough patches and my tough emotions, my love for you only gets stronger and stronger. i believe in us, i feel strong with you, like i can so anything. i just, i cannot truly put into words how much you mean to me, darling, my dear boyfriend, i know youll read this whenever you stumble upon it but i just. i had to gush tonight :')

thank you for being by my side, thank you for being patient, thank you for listening to me, thank you... divider divider

ENTRY 38: MARCH 23, 2025

it. it still haunts me, and i still cry over it. i know in the moment, when it had happened i remember feeling like the world shattered, my heart genuinely just. stopped, and then freaked out beyond control or my comprehension. its always my heart.

this entry is kind of a spinoff of something within entry 33 and entry 34 kind of... im an emotional mess again. divider divider

ENTRY 39: APRIL 8, 2025

i dont think people truly understand the impact they have on others, i mean — i myself dont truly understand the impact i have on others and im self aware of that fact... people tell me that im good at bringing people together, that im worth protecting, that im fun to talk to, that im creative and stuff like that. sometimes its just hard for my brain to process, but with time im starting to accept it, im starting to accept that i am loved and loveable, im starting to hate myself less; im growing stronger. im growing from my guilt, although it will always be with me, and ill never have closure; i can cope better and learn to accept it for what it is and move on and heal from it. its all slow progress, but i think ive come a long way.

i never thought id come this far, feel this stronger, feel this confident, to be able to even slightly love myself, to be able to handle stress in a decently healthy/safe and mature manner, i never thought id survive this long... i mean, im turning 21 in 19 days. i seriously thought i was meant to die years ago, and yet im still here, and im still fighting... even through all the pain, stress, and trauma of the previous years. and im still growing, learning, and healing. i cant thank those whoeve helped me thus far, and those whove stuck around. the impact others have on me, even the little things, mean a lot. im just, thankful, i guess, im happy.

thank you,, divider divider

ENTRY 40: APRIL 15, 2025

i wrote a little more, i hope you dont mind... my mind is rather scattered right now and i guess i felt sappy again, i think ill progressively add more as time goes on and revise things as needed. im not sure if my words are too clear, as im not truly good at explaining my feelings, but i hope you appreciate it regardless. divider divider

ENTRY 41: APRIL 23, 2025

what an eventful night, huh? regardless of the chaos, i feel pretty happy because of the closure its brought. most of my suspicions being directly confirmed, and some of my other worries/questions being answered, i feel satisfied. plus being able to open up about some things or confess some stuff too, it was nice. it was different, in a way. im happy about it, and i hope things look up from here, i guess a little bit more hopes been reignited tonight, a lot of my worries and such have been being cleared up lately and i just. i feel incredibly happy and thankful

as chaotic as this past weeks been, i feel happy... i feel hopeful, i havent really felt too stressed or sad lately, i feel oddly free of distress. it makes me feel like i can do anything now, i feel strong; i hope it stays like this

rare pretty positive entry i know... but! :D divider divider

ENTRY 42: APRIL 25, 2025

why. why did i do the math? i just fucked myself up by doing so. it suddenly feels like everything is going to fast, im going too fast — no, i WENT too fast. the way i see time, is really weird. but 40 months... it feels too short. 3 years, nearing 4, it isnt enough. i went too fast, didnt i?,, imsorry i wish i could get closure, every single day i long for it, its always in the back of my mind, im always keeping track of the time or date, i know i thought i was mostly healed, but there are still strong moments of weakness like this. death isnt just something you can get over.

every single day i still think of you, i think of every last moment, how i heard the news only to immediately be shunned and blamed. you were a friend to me, even if we didnt get to talk much, you meant a lot to me. im sorry i wasnt strong enough to stay and deal with the problem at hand, its partially why i still blame myself for your death. i know its not my fault, suicide isnt as simple as that, but i still feel like something is missing — like i could have prevented it, like i could have done more,,, i remember when we helped talk you out of it one time in December, so when you died May of the next year i just. ive never been the same. and being blamed caused such asphyxiating guilt that i cant escape, i have never escaped, i havent moved on, ive just learned how to cope. i miss you, i miss you so fucking much, every single day. sometimes i find myself wondering what you would think of me now, would you be disappointed in me? would you understand? but i feel thats wrong of me to think,, and sometimes i still feel myself thinking that i should be dead, too, that i should join you... we were just stupid kids, and always said if one of us died; all of us would go like dominoes... but, only you did,, the rest of us just, split, we couldn't fix the issue, and all lost each other. i dont know where anybody is, or how they handled your passing. i feel like i should apologize, i feel like maybe the guilt would subside — i dontknow what todo ifontknow anything, alli onow is rhatot hyrts, imsorryim soaorry i still hold thetbings i know you liked verydear to me, tocarry on your memory, because idont want to forget, youwere so jind qnd fun to be around, funny and you stood upfor us when you jeedrd to, youwere such awkmderful friend, idknt understand whyyou ledt,,ithurys more thsn anythtng,, iwish iwas there, ifi wasifeel like youdstill be herebut iknow i shouldbt yhink likethat bjtfucj its sohard, ithuets sometimes ifeel kike i still seeyou online, orbe reminded ofyou and ijust. crack, ithuets, imaosirry

imsorry,, divider divider

ENTRY 43: MAY 8, 2025

let me start off as blunt as i can be: i really want to die. i feel like things would be easier that way, and maybe people would be happier... as i just feel like a burden right now; i feel incredibly weak and worthless right now. i feel like everything ive ever done up to this point has been ripped away from me or just undermined, treated like nothing more than a toy. my words are either misunderstood or never enough, i will never be enough. who i am, will be taken for granted or tossed aside, i wont ever be remembered how i desire. i feel powerless, i feel like ive already died in a way, everytime i get like this. the stress, it tears me apart. it fucks with my heart, and weakens every muscle until i choke on my own breath. i become nothing more than a vessel of a person, and thats all ill ever be.

i feel like all my progress, all my growth, how much ive improved myself isnt enough because of the things ive used to help me, the things ive clung to to cope, because people dont understand. they are cruel, they dont care nor understand or even try to. i wish everybody would understand, and it eats me alive. it makes me want to die when people judge or dont understand, misinterpreting or misusing my words, turning me into something or someone im not. if im just going to be misremembered or misunderstood, why do i try? why should i care? why do i bother? why should i be remembered if i wont be remembered for me? just what people want me to be? or the canvas they painted of me that isnt me and never will be, why would i want any pity? i still desire to be forgotten, its just gotten stronger.

im trying to be as strong as i can, trust me. but it really hurts right now, and im scared people are going to lose their patience or give up on me, im so utterly terrified. i want to be understood, i want to be worthwhile, to be somebody, to be... well... me, but. is that what people want? if, they arent willing to listen...? so then, who am i really? am i me, or am i what people want me to be or have painted me out to be? i dont know anymore. i honestly dont know anymore. im sorry. divider divider

ENTRY 44: MAY 16, 2025

it feels weird, feeling this strong. despite how much i still falter and have moments of weakness, i feel strong. its, its been 4 years. its officially been 4 years. 4 years ago, i lost a friend, and ive kind of faltered here already within entry 20 and entry 42 and vaguely brought up in others. but i think ive finally healed quite a lot, i just fall to the guilt in my head every now and again, but i will never forget. i feel like i have a memory to carry on.

at first, everything was very complex, i remember turning against a few things i loved at the time, because it hurt to face those things or remember. but now, i can handle it. and im not going to let any of it go. another thing that was complex is how i changed, i became so isolated after everything happened, after death, i would land in a few groups — but they never really lasted. so i never really got support, i never got a true helping hand i needed, at least... not until recently, i think ive come out of my shell a lot this year. in a way, i think that in of itself is all a sign of strength. i havent cried today, at least as of writing this, i can think of the positive memories without breaking down. i think, im finally alright.

though, i guess in an odd way, i feel guilty. i feel a sense of guilt over how i chose to cope with it all. i fear disappointing your spirit. but, im still breathing... i think thats all that really matters, i miss you more than anything, and i wonder if youre watching over me, wherever you are,,, iknow i shouldnt feel guilty, i shouldnt blame myself, but i think im getting a bit better about that, too. not a lot, but its progress. regardless i just, its been 4 years, and you still cross my mind a lot. i wish i could have said goodbye or anything, i wish i could turn back time, be a better friend, just stuff like that... it hurts, but im hanging on. im hanging on to everything, all those memories, everything i remember you liked, i wont let any of it go. its special to me, and it feels important to not let it die. to live in memory. to experience what i know youd want to, or explore the things you probably would have recommended me, im very glad for the time i had with you, even if it was limited,, i cherish everything you shared,,thank you, andim sorry,,

sincerely, sai divider divider

ENTRY 45: JUNE 8, 2025

i have so much to think about now, so much to process. and now i have partial closure, and... also see even more parallels. its kind of scary, its also incredibly painful... but, at least i have,, more to cling to, right? and also that means i can make even more progress healing. i can come to an understanding. how i acted had parallels, the dates have parallels, there's... so much.

i didnt even remember the 22nd, i only remembered the 10th. everything i tried so desperately to repress, remains. and i have to face it. divider divider

ENTRY 46: JUNE 9, 2025

i know i shouldnt blame myself i know im supposed to heal but i got curious and stumbled upon something i think i shouldnt have. i know i shouldnt blame myself because i know i wasnt in a good headspace, but. i forgot that i tried, too. i failed, and obviously when i did i didnt know that i wasnt the only one who tried,, and,, knowing thati even tried, revived the guilt ithink,, because i livr onand you dont,,

and it seems after i was blamed, i became even harsher, i coped with anger. i was stressed and frustrated so i was pissy before the loss, despite good intentions... but, once i was hit with grief i believe i lost myself,, i dont know if ive ever truly recovered. it hurts, imso sorry,,

it, makes me think... maybe im the problem, maybe ive always been the problem; even now,, sometimes i feel like i drag everybody down even when i do the opposite, ive been able to cope with the guilt better definitely but times like this or when something newly distressful happens; it briefly returns,, will my growth ever truly amount to anything? my heart hurts,, divider divider

ENTRY 47: JUNE 15, 2025

i am just a stupid editor who loves to write, so... i wrote a little more, again, and its not the same two as last time. i once again, hope you dont mind... im just feeling sappy, is all. im definitely thinking of adding more people, too. - with love, anthony divider divider

ENTRY 48: JUNE 27, 2025

its been good lately, not many downs or problems, not much of a reason to be sad... and yet, i keep finding myself still thinking of suicide. i dont understand. i dont understand at all. i have no reason to really feel this way, but i do when i zone out. apart of me feels like a burden and feels like i make everything worse or just take up space, ruin lives; blaming myself... but i know none of thats true. but, i cant stop thinking such things, i can only silence it with distractions — so when i feel alone or no ones around like this, i start feeling it. god damnit. divider divider

ENTRY 49: JULY 6, 2025

i dont know whats real anymore in a way, i cant really tell whats wrong with me. i dont want to die, but a dark sad part of me does. every single fucking day ive had thoughts since late June, and i dont really understand why... everythings fine, and yet im breaking down like some pussyboy. not to mention its getting more descriptive/detailed again, its getting darker. harsher. overthinking everything and tearing myself apart for every little thing i fear is a fuckup. im holding everybodys hand hard enough the bone is going to crumble; because im scared of myself. i dont want to die. i also dont want to disappoint anybody... but i feel so weak, i want to be strong but fuck i feel so atrociously weak. i swear to God im holding on, im sorry for such distress. divider divider

ENTRY 50: JULY 7, 2025

my heart hurts, everythings alright now but with how badly i broke down: even if im relieved mentally... physically, the stress took a toll and my heart feels really really wrong right now. my muscles and such kind of ache, but not as bad as my chest. i havent broke down that bad since march of last year i think... i need to be better. divider divider

ENTRY 51: JULY 7, 2025

i finally added dates to the lovemail, and im working on multiple things at once (edits, writing/rewriting things, brainstorming...) i wanna revamp a lot of things and it might piss people off; but it was a long time coming. plus making layouts and such for myself while also editing stuff for friends; i have a lot in mind :3 divider divider

ENTRY 52: JULY 21, 2025

not a good vibe, you really arent giving me a good vibe. wording is a very important thing, and i feel rather offput left with suspision. now i know i might be rather hypocritical with that due to how i make vague remarks and rants sometimes too but... i usually always bring up whats wrong eventually, and even vague rants here have had that happen; ive brought them up with people theyre about. even if its a month or so later, its better late than never. i usually try to gage how the person is doing before i ask or confess, because if i dont it could end poorly... thats why im careful. its why im usually more distant or repressed if i can tell a person is angry or stressed. but im basically just saying; dont do anything stupid. if my suspisions right, do not be stupid. you know better. plus ill start to question all previous actions and words if anything goes awry.

now onto just more of a me rant bc its been on my mind: i know i can get sassy or seem mean, but im just a sassy/playfully mean person. thats how i am. and i can adjust differently for individual people of they just ask me to be more chill around them, but i still dont exactly enjoy censoring myself. it takes a bit to adjust to that and a lot of it is just habit, fun or coping. its like changing me, ya'know? speaking of coping, a lot of the things i do in general are to cope. asking for reassurance was too, but i toned down on that; if i seem more messy that might be why. i can tone down on things, but it ususally makes me tweak out a bit. divider divider

ENTRY 53: JULY 30, 2025

i cant distract myself enough, i cant do anything nothings working. nothings calming me. my heads full of suicide and i cannot settle my heart or breathing, even when im surrounded by people i still feel this way; i dont know whats wrong with me. music and voices of those i care about usually helps, i dont know why its not right now. divider divider

ENTRY 54: AUGUST 12, 2025

i feel like such an asshole, honestly. i dont really know how to explain it, i know i really shouldnt compare myself... but, i feel like im just like you sometimes. and i guess in a way it also worsens the guilt i still feel for what i did to you. but, i just wanna rant about the past i think.

basic re-run down of that guilt and such is just... i was stressed out of my mind, i felt like a life was in my hands because you wanted nothing more than to die; and that stress caused me to act that way too. it made me feel like i had to be there all the time and that i couldnt leave you alone unattended for a second, thats why i got so protective. so much more than i should of. because i was so fucking convinced if i left for even a SECOND thered be blood on my hands. and with that stress, i acted out of anger, which i shouldnt have. it only made things worse. i was stressed, possessive and overprotective; all this made me controlling and mean. i was far from a good partner; or even a person for that matter. and i know that now. hell, i realized that after it all came crashing down, i just fucking needed that wake up call; i just wish it was handled more maturely. i almost died because i thought i had nobody. i thought i was alone. when you cut me off like that, showing my actions without context making it more like blackmail, it really was a wake up call. i am both glad it happened but also not, i wish it happened sooner and more maturely not in such a painful way infested with abandonment. i mean, how exactly do you expect someone to change when you dont even give them support? how do you expect them to change when you dont tell them whats wrong? your own faults and my own ive calculated, and use them to know what not to do in a relationship. i just, wish i could get over the guilt.

i even get darker thoughts that i wish i didnt, like when i think about how you came running back in june, fucking up my healing process with a second throwaway. you told me i had changed, that i seemed better... but i slipped up once, and you didnt tell me what it was and just. left again. damaged the process. i remember that you had told me that you had attempted suicide shortly after throwing me away the first time. you told me this while i was in a vulnrable state, you had to have fucking known that it wasnt healthy to drop on me. the entire reason i hadnt even removed you was because i noticed you status. i noticed the concerning morse code. i noticed the want for death. even if you fucking destroyed me, i still cared... every time i think back to that is when i get dark thoughts like... why didnt you? why did i have to care? i shouldnt have tried to save someone who didnt want to be saved, who didnt want to live. all it did was stress me out until i acted in ways that were not me.

when you threw me away that second time, thats when i threw myself into a massive ring of strangers and built myself anew; with new people. if i didnt do that to cope, i wouldnt have met my best friends and or the love of my life if i hadnt. so in a way, im kind of glad that everything happened, im glad you killed me. ive been trying my best to be the absolute best i can be, yeah i still have a few flaws; but so does everyone... it cant really be helped, as much as i wish it could. all i needed was to fall to be able to be a better person, and gain a new meaning; i guess. divider divider

ENTRY 55: AUGUST 19 20, 2025

rewriting over an entry, first time ive ever done this but ive settled down a little i think; i just need time, a lot of time. my head is incredibly weird with events, is one thing ive noticed... another thing that kind of proves this is how i consistently seem to compare years or events to eachother... like how often i say 2024 was a repeat of 2021, but in my opinion there are parellels with other years too; thats just the biggest one. scariest one, even. and neither will ever leave me.

when it comes to 2024, its special in its own way; its a sign of growth. its the year i grew for the better i think; its also the year i met a lot of new people... i think part of the reason i acted out was related to that because of recent events and my head kind of just. remembered everything from last year and i started freaking out; i stressed out too much and entirely shut down. i dont blame anybody, because it isnt anybodys fault. i just really dont know how to format or explain my feelings currently, even writing this im unsure too i just wanted to clear some air y'know? i think the fear of losing anybody caused me to stress and shut down, things feel very off and my head just keeps giving me flashbacks from most of last years summer; im trying my best to stay stable and cope. and i apologize if i went out of line. its just, a lot, so im not entirely the best communicator right now but i am trying my best, at least. im sorry divider divider

ENTRY 56: AUGUST 22, 2025

all i can feel now is anxiety and guilt. im not even sure which is stronger, im just. laying in bed, shaking. i feel paralyzed and numb in a way, im so fucking scared i dont even know how to put it into words. sometimes i just, i wish i didnt have a voice. i wish i was just some stupid robot that does what ever its told or programmed to do. i wish i could just be... perfect. just- entirely remove flaw.

i genuinely still feel like all i do is make people worse, i hurt everyone and everything i touch all while trying to help them. its kind of why ive shut myself off to most things, its why i may seem rather distant or unreachable... i realize that i have too many of my own problems to deal with most of the time, which can stress me out and make me not a good helper... however, i do still succeed sometimes it really just depends how im feeling in the moment to whether or not i think i can handle said thing. my best bet is usually just giving advice, mainly if it is something that i personally can relate to; thats what i do best. if it isnt relatable in a more severe sense, or if it triggers me in some way; i usually cannot be of help. everytime ive tried in those cases, ive broken said people. and the guilt of that will never leave me. it will eat me alive every single day for the rest of my life, i think, i just. know how to cope with it now.

with my guilt i just, i think i deserve the worst. and with it increasing recently because of me breaking a promise i just. ive been so much harder on myself i feel like im collapsing, and ive gotten so close to just shutting down but i keep pulling myself back up before i can fall. ive been tearing myself apart for the past 3 days, i mean when it first happened i was found hyperventilating. it felt like a lot, and i didnt know exactly what to do so, i cracked, and in that moment i broke a promise. i was told not to tell, but i guess in the moment it just. it felt right, i dont really know how to explain it but i felt guilty immedietly after the message was sent, and ever since ive been kind of. split. i think i did the right the thing but at the same time i just. feel like i fucked up. and its been tearing me apart at the seams.

i fear this slip up will change things but, i dont want anything to. i fear change. i still cherish friendship just the same, i just needed time to process i guess. i just hope i can get my words across directly soon, and i hope i can make sense. with everything i went through last year, i cannot lose this; you know? even if i slipped, id rather not lose this either. divider divider

ENTRY 57: AUGUST 23, 2025

i just want to make it clear that im not ignoring anybody on purpose right now, i know i havent responded to pretty much any dm ive gotten in the last 5 days. i just need time. i dont think im in the right headspace right now for a lot of this, so i would rather not confront it alone, if that makes sense. again, sorry in advance. i see and read everything i receive i just, i dont think im ready to reply. i hope its understandable. divider divider

ENTRY 58: AUGUST 28, 2025

i want to disappear. i want nothing more than to disappear without a sign. i want to disappear and have no one notice, and or if they do just. quickly forget about me, i dont want to be remembered. i want to rot away and die and be entirely forgotten, but every piece of advice or art be the only thing that remains of me. but me as a person, i think i should be forgotten. my work, my help, may be cherished and not understood where it came from. i want to die. i want to bleed out and leave a beautiful sight to the world, florished in blood, flowing like petals. i want it to be slow, painful, and quiet. i want to wilt like a flower and slowly lose color, watch everything fade to black... all the pain, fading into nothing, to never feel again. i want that more than anything.

i dont even deserve to be buried or cremated, i just want my body to be thrown out somewhere in nature to either rot, be eaten, or used. i want to be in nature. i dont want anybody to remember my name, i dont want my death to cause ache. i wouldnt want anything to change, even in my absence. i want everybody to be happy, and never lose their light or lose sight of themselves. to never lose hope, to carry on without me. i want to watch over everyone in spirit, buried within the stars.

i want to feel my senses fade, i want to feel all of the pain in the world as my life comes to an early end. i dont want to see any crying faces or hear any pained voices, i dont want to see anyone in panic, i dont want to see or hear about anyone being sad. i just. want to die, and be free. free from the pain of the world, free from the stress, free from my own emotions and sorrow, free from my mistakes; free from myself. i want to die, to get what i deserve. i dont belong in this world, for all my failures and flaws, despite all my good it will never erase the excuse of a person i am, the utter mess that i am. i feel like if i died, it would be a good thing.

but, i do know it would hurt people, and people will remember me, as much as i dont want either to be true. divider divider

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Pub: 05 Jul 2024 13:17 UTC

Edit: 29 Aug 2025 18:13 UTC

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