Augusts Diary 、 please dont read if you arent in the system or know us as a friend
entry 1 、2025/10/24
honestly everything is kind of pmo so badly right now. i wasnt really fronting for most of today, but ive been coconcious while vielle handled school. i know shes been struggling so we dont let her front at home just so she cant hurt the body. but today in math class she was journaling and she was getting hella detailed about how much she loves cutting and wishes she could cut again. even just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. especially yesterday she looked up beans to see what it was and oh my god i almost spewed. it was so bad. today she was journaling again and it sjist so bad. she was talking about how shell probably khs doing this. about how even thoifh that isnt the goal, the only thing she imagines when she thinks of that, isnt awful or scary, but laying back on the bathroom floor with blood pooling down her leg, bleeding out while listening to Sweet Dreams, TN, by The Last Shadow Puppets. My favorite song. or Karma from Alien Stage. Her eyes would be half open and shed be smiling a little. she would accept that that would probably be the last time her eyes were ever open. Its jist so bad. it makes my stomach churn. she even awknowledged that when she was writing and still kept writing. whatever. she didnt get to cut bad yesterday, she only got to one very shallow cut because korra was there preventing anything, and i was making us feel so sick we wouldve thrown up genuinely if she continued. Today i got sick whilr she was writing about it. Then i took main. i was already pissed because of that, and i wanted to get chips because since its not from an actual sickness eating something yummy makes the nausea go away, so i did buy some chips but i didnt realize the bag was already open so they were stale and i didnt want them. i did get to talk to my friend waves. hes rlly sweet and he makes me feel better. But then i got home and i wasnt feeling good still snd the mom, our abuser, was just constantly calling us and making us help her make fucking salsa. it pmo so bad. then i got to leave and go back to my room to calm down, and then she called me again just ten minutes later. i was so upset. i dont wanna make fucking salsa with you dumb bitch. but whatever. anyways. then i got back to the room when i finished helping AGAIN and i was just examining the body and thinking about the little girl that died in here when thjs fuckass song A Quick one before the eternal worm devours appelachia comes on. And the mom needs me again. i help her one last time. i go back to the room. i start bawlinf my eyes out but only for a few minutes. i just needed that relief. then the mom says shell need me AGAIN in another half hour. i cry harder. only for a few minutes. then i feel better. i waite twenty minutes then i come to the bathroom to avoid her. the shower is running behind me. im laying on the floor on my side, it hurts because of where vielle cut. I think about the fact that this is where vielle cuts herself. i can understand why. it is a nice relief. i dont want to do that ti myself though. i only have once and it felt awful after.
then my friend texts me. waves. he asks if il doing okay and i say im doing better, sort of. He says thats good and i ask how he is. he says fine and i tell him im journaling. he says thats okay, to text him if i wanna talk. i say i will and thank you. he says youre welcome and calls me darling. i want to cry again but this time from relief. somehow everything feels like itll be okay for a little bit. im scared and confused and lost and hopeless but for a little but everything will be okay
entry 2 、2025/10/24
out of the shower from earlier entry. I wish i could be more affectionate. waves is always calling me sweet things. ill never directly tell him how much i like it but oh my god its the best feeling. its so comforting and calming. one night i was breaking down on the phone with him, just two days ago, and he says "i know, baby, everything will be okay." and oh dear god i almost broke down even harder but in such a good way. like a child that finally cries when their mom hugs them after a hard day. im already tearing up again. he likes to tease me by calling me all these wonderful things. he even sent a list of the things he knew i liked to be called to make tease me. "my love, honey, baby, darling, mi amor (yes i know my love and mi amor are the same thing)" is what he said. thats all i wanna hear after a long day honestly. i hate that i cant tell him that but i think he knows regardless lol. theres something about the way he said it that one night. "i know, baby, everything will be okay" that makes me want it again and again. oh my god just typing it out is making me choke up again but its all i want because it just feels like such a relief. but i feel so pathetic. for one im not supposed to feel anything. im supposed to be the trauma apathetic. im supposed to front and make us numb so that we can think more rationally and process trauma without hardcore breakdowns but here i am breaking down every night and crying over a man because he called me darling. im choking up again. i really never thought id ever be loveable in such an intimate way. im so closed off, and rude, not even levi likes me. but then vielle explaiend im really just scared, that ive literally never bene told one nice thing in my life, and he ran with it. now i have someone i sleep call with every night, who calls me petnames and giggles when i fluster. god thats insane. sometimes it makes me want to cry with something i cant even describe. but how pathetic i am, secondly, to hardly be able to return the favor. i can hardly choke out a my love without getting scared of being open. i started using ml today and its a bit easier. i feel like he deserves someone better, who can really treat him how he deserves. whatever girl he ends up, whatever new friend he makes, will be so fucking lucky. whatever person he finds that can take my place, that can make him giggle and flusters easily and starts sort of closed off, thats fun to chase as she slowly becomes more open and trusting, but can actually properly reciprocate any ounce of affection beyond a typed "my love" or "ml", that isnt so fucking scared and pathetic that she can think straight when shes crying on the phone with him, and isnt pushing her face into the mattress that still has old blood stains on it because she cant get herself to clean it, that isnt gripping the bed for dear life because she got told "i know, baby, itll all be okay", that can admit she wants to be told all those sweet things and live without breaking down every other night. i just want to be a normal girl. im so fucking tired of being scared of the person i love the most because he loves me too. i hate whatever yearning this is but oh my fucking god i never want it to stop. I wish i could tell him all this and he could tell me again, "i know, baby, itll all be okay", but I dont want to burden him any more than I have. And i dont want him to feel guilty when he moves on. I want him to be able to, eventually. And its not that I dont love him. I do. So much. So much that I want him to enjoy me and my company, but I also want him to find someone better. I dont want him to leave me but, one day, I want him to have someone that he deserves. And ive done nothing to deserve him. For now, though, Ill enjoy it. Until he goes away to his job college, and inevitabely finds someone better, and realizises that, while i may have been nice, ill never really have been good enough for him to stay anyways
entry 3 、2025/10/24
vielle cut again. my sides are in pain and it hurts. i want to cry but not in the dramatic way. just in the im very upset and i want this to be over but i dont have the energy to do anything rn way. i just want this all to end soon.
entry 4 、2025/10/24
been yapping a lot today but oh well. im on a call w waves and he got sad i think. idk how to comfort people but i think im doing okay. ive made him giggle a few times and im jjst trying to be rlly sweet to him rn
entry 5 、2025/10/25
waves just said that hes sometimes afraid to talk to me. ive never been so immediately put down. i want to bawl my eyes out.
entry 6 、2025/10/24
IT T HE THE PETNAMES THE PET NAMES OH MY FUCKING GOD IM MELTED IM WASHED HOLY SHITTT IM GONNA !!! he keeps calling me baby and honey and love and OH MY GOD im coannnananana scream with joy actualy holy shit
entry 7 、2025/10/24
God i feel like such shit. out of nowhere i jjst started feeling godawful. I wish i could ask him for any form of affection like petnames or affirmation but im too scared even though i knowbhe wont mind. i cant just oull up with the "i want u" /p shit cause im too EMBARASSED so whatever i guess ill thug it out. im crying a little itnernally but ill be fine
entry 8 、2025/10/25
I TOLD HIM and he actually juts started babying be oh my god im never going to admit ts outloud but being babied is jjst the best thing in the world. for me thats probably because i was fucking neglected growing up so im just getting what i never had before
entry 9 、2025/10/26
i want to bawl my eyes out again. she cut again. this mmorning. deeper than before. inside the thigh. hurts like a bitch. i have so much to say and no energy to say anything. i just wanna take a nap. i want to kill myself /nsrs but also kind of srs. i dont want to be here but i dont want to die. im having such bad suicidal ideation right now. the only thing i can thinnk of is just a picture of me hanging in a dark room dangling. weve already tried to kill ourselves a couple times before. were too scared now. home alone. pills in the cabinet. its so tempting to just walk over and down a whole bunch of nothing and call it a day and fucking die on the kitchen floor. im scared to die but i feel liek such nothing right now maybe its better to get it over with. and i know that vielles passive influence. but i dont care. i just want to nap. i dont want to die but i dont want to have ever existed
entry 9 、2025/10/26
ohvmy god todag sucked so badly. i spent all of jt doing nothing. we cut in the morning so its bene on my mind ALL day. i wasnt allowed to nap. the suicidal ideation today wa sso bad. im doing my best to not isolate from wveryone but speaking to people is so hard. i felt so unmotivated to do anytjing. and i wanted to talk to my friend but meiday that bitch wouldnt let me front. i was complwtely isolated and alone today. i wanted to cry but i didnt have the wnergy. i wanted to scream but i sidnt have the energy. all i did was have music in the bathroom and daydream about taking a shit ton of pills while laying on my side in pain because that bitch had to cut to styro. its litterslly a likr of flesh carved out from our skin it looks so gross. i dont know how were going to hdie all of these cuts in the changing room. i dont want anyone to see hiw bad its gotten. i didnt wven eat anything today. i cant rmemeber anything and everything is blurry. im trying to text reece and not be dry but the only thing i cna think of is our past suicide attempts and making a third. im so tried of today. i hate dealing with such bad suicidal ideation. i cant believe j seriously considered overdoing today as a possibility. oh my god im so scared. i hate being such a burden. it was so bad today vielle made a 13 minute suicide note in voice note form. 13 minutes of a girl talking about killing herself. i hate today
entry 10 、2025/10/26
i got to comfort reese today. no words will describe everything i felt. i feel so bad for making him worry but also i will never never ever admit how much i loved comforting him oh my god. i got to call gim all thr cute things he calls me and i giggled so muxh. i mena yesh of course i was gentle when comforting himand stuff but in a tuslyk so happy i love veting sffectjonate tk him too i jjst wish i wasnt so scardd all the time of jt but im so happy i was an get the chance to be sometimes. i love comforting him and calling him cute names and shitttt oh my god ik so washed i want to bawl my eyes out in thjs overwhelming relieved way of just pure joyus and happiness
entry 11 、2025/10/27
oh my actual GOD im going to freak OUT im oh my god oh my god oh my GODD imso washed im so washed im so metled and washed i dont even careee anymore im i love so much i just ohh my god im literally typing this all while on call with reese and im just AUGHGAHGAHGHAGHAGHAGFHAGHAGH im screaming with joy im jumping with so much joyusness today was honesslty okay idec about today it was whatever but REESE oh my god oh. my GOD. I CANT DUDE THE PETNA,ES THE THE PETNAMES ESPCAILLY FUCKING UHH OH MY GOD im so waashed please i wasnt supposed to ever BE like this im supposed to be the strong one but oh my god im so washed now actually holy FUCK. i cant with oh my god i just cant with myself i feel so pathetic but also i just want to lie down and hear him at the end of a long day hes actually the only one whos ever cared to genuinely try to see me. hes so sweet and loving and caring i genuinely oh my god the MOMENT something like baby or darling or honey or my love leave his mouth.
I JUST GOT CALLED BEAUTIFUL FOR THE FIRST TIME ?????? HE JUST CALLED ME MY BEAUTIFUL BABY ???? IM G ONNA SCREAM IM GONNA CRY OH MY GOD IM SO J9OY I DONT EVEN HAVE WORDS TO DESCRIBE IM OSL OST IM SOC ONFUSED AND HESAFUCING OH MY GOD IM SO TIRED I CANT WRITE IT ALL TODAY BUT OH MY GOD ??????
entry 12 、2025/10/29
OH MY GOD im so agahehheeee whyyyyyy do I fluster so easily DAGWGWUA AUGH !!!!! i hate that reese ever gets upset but i love those little moments where i have an excuse to be alm soft and (try) to comfort him im gonna TWEAK oh my god i am so WASHED i am so washed i am so washed i am so washed !!! I dont even care hes so joyus he makes me so joyus he makes me so joyus but oh ny god im melted ,,,, i cant explain why but FUCKK the petname baby just does something to me it make sme fucking WEAKKK i actuallt cant i love whne he calls me that NO BECAUSE ITS THE WAY IM THE FLOOR RIGHR NOW ROCKING AND AND ROLLIFN AND KICKING MY FEET GENUINELY GODD im actuslly so washed bro what !!! and OH MY GOD he said he was proud of me last night for the first tiem THATS THE FIRST TIME SOMEONES EVER TOLD ME THEYRE PROUD OF ME and also aand also HE CALLED ME BEAUTIFUL??? HOLLYYYY FUCK WHAT?? IM ACTUALLY DOING FLIPS BECAUSE WHAT??? NO FUCKING WAY HELLO ??? STOP I ACTUALLY CRIEDD TEARS OF JOY IM TEARING UO THINKIGN ABOUT IT ALREADYYY GODD !!! im so in love guys i want to scream with joy !!!!!!
entry 13 、2025/10/30
im actually going to cry more and MORE tears of joy because im so in love what do you MEANN oh my god. "my weirdo" YOURS?? YES I AGREE HLEP its so scary being so close to someone but honestly its so relieving to just have someone to be with at the end of the day too. i didnt realize how bad i needed someone until now. god im so sleepy i need to journal earlier.
no wait becaus eholy fuck wdym he just randomly drops the bomb "youre the best thing thats ever hapened to me" and then GOES BAKC TO PLAYING MINECRAFT??? What??? YOU CANT JUST ?? OUGHHH MY GOODNESS MAN!!!! IM ACTUALLY SO OH MY GOS my stomach is doing flips im blushign and giggling oh holy fuck!!! HE LITERLLY HAS ME HIS STATUS TOO??? IM GONNA FREAK OUTT !!
I in love i innn loovvveeeee AUGGHHH!!!!!!!!
entry 14 、2025/11/03
I am actually going to lose my shit. Going tk completely and utterly lose my shit. I am going to rip my hair out and fucking scream i swear to whatever fucking gods up there i will. i. i an going to scream
15 、2025/11/03
i actually cant. please. all roads lead to rome. all roads lead to rome. all roads lead to rome. why am i like this. of course this ruined everything. of course. j fucking knew it. hes going to leave. vielle revealed just how fucked up he is and nkw hes foing to leave. hes going to go to his job site and find someone better whos less insecure whos going to be better than me and replace me. hes going to stop loving me because he feels bad he doesnt vielle. im going to bawl my eyes iut. he didnt sven reply to me. i cant do this anymore. all roads lead to rome. i hate this so much. its like my hearts been ripped from my chest and shoved between my teeth. fills my mouth. i want to throw up
jts like i cant breathe. i never shouldve let myself become so attached when i know jjst how fucked up we are anyways. i literally jjst cant with anything right now. he doesnt even want to tall to me anymore. i fucking hate you vielle. thanks you ruined it all.
its not even funny how desperate i am right now. to hear again. those sweet names. one more tome. im so fucking. im so scared right now please i cant stop crying. I just want him again. please dont say this took him away from me. i wont be able to handle that. I dont want to beg him to be affectionate agajn right now but im going to lose it. please god please im not religious but god please i will be on my hanfd and knees begging.
im not a beggar. i dont beg. i dont get on my hands and knees for people. what is weing with me now. Please jjst say you love me again i cant handle this
entry 16 、2025/11/04
i fucking knew it. oh my fucking god i knew it. i hate yoh vielle. i fucking hate you vielle. you just had to ruin it all. you just had to open your mouth. you just HAD to ruin it all. Hes going to leave because you cant handle not being the worlds most precious thing. im trying so hard to not just break down. he feels like he wants to distance. he says he doesnt want to but he also syad he cant stop thinking about it. only time ive ever been loved and vielle has to fucking ruin it. all roads lead to rome i guess. im going to fucking end it jesus fucking chriss why does this always happen. why would i ever let my gaurd down. why would I ever let myself be loved. why would I ever be okay with being loved when i KNEW somethi like tbis would happpen. we are too disordered and fucked up to ever really be loved fairly.