"Ugh. Hey, Mr. Good Samaritan. Wake up, I'm too hungover to open this bottle."
"...Good morning to you, too. You're having beer for breakfast?"
"My bed, my rules. Didn't I make that clear?"
"You sure did! Here you go. Mind if I get you some water, too?"
"Water?? Disgusting! Hair of the dog is the best hangover cure. Come on, have some dog hair with me."
"Oh, no thank you."
"Are you just gonna watch me drink it alone? Bruh."
"It's just, I really shouldn't be drinking yet."
"Who cares? It's a saturday, and almost noon already."
"No, I mean, until I'm eighteen."

She doesn't quite spit the beer out. It seems to turn to tar in her throat as she laboriously chokes it down.

"Don't you mess with me. You can drink. We drank yesterday."
"I dunno who you think you drank with. We met outside the bar, remember? You wanted to be «escorted home safely», and then..."
"Fuck off! Yeah, I remember now. But there is no way. You are definitely early twenties. Twenty, at least."
"Actually, I'm turning sevent--"
"NOOOOOO!!"

Instantly cured of her hangover, she shifts seamlessly between animated hysterics and sullen disbelief.

"This isn't real. Why? How? What were you doing in front of a bar??"
"Walking home? Soccer practice ran late."
"SOCCER PRA-- Oh my god, you're like a child. And people saw us leave together. Ohmyfuckinggod."
"Relax. Do I look like a child?"
"No, you fucking don't! Exactly! How the fuck are you sixteen?? You're bigger than me!"
"It's called sexual dimorphism. Guess you skipped biology."
"Oh my god you're literally a schoolboy. Oh my god. It's actually over for me."
"Come on, is it really as big a deal when the guy is younger?"
"Oh my GOD you are so stupid. You're an actual toddler that doesn't know anything. Oh no... Why didn't you tell me yesterday??"
"I don't know. You were so grateful and friendly, and I guess I got a little too excited after my... first kiss."
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

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Pub: 13 Feb 2026 17:21 UTC

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