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  • this is your warning to turn back now. there is mentions of sh, nsfw, abuse, and overall personal venting & ranting. this is my place not urs !

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⠀blurring the fact & the fiction⠀ ‎⠀‎
27/08/25
so today has been way toooooo hectic to consider it a "go-about" day. it was so slow at first and enjoyable. chem was easy and so was history. then THIRD BLCOK WITH THAT FUCKING BITCH. i cant handle I hate her sm. i hate like 5 people in that class. today she just pmo, but its ok. istg if she keeps giving me attitude tho im gonna get upset. i dont ever initiate conversation w you stop being weird and rude!!

in theater i felt completely ignored, I get it wasnt anyone's fault but idk i just wanted to be included somehow in improv. the people in there r nice i just get irked by some of them. ESPECIALLY SOME IN THE THEATER CLUB. thats a different story though. speaking of club though -- it was nice. i got to improv there :3. might sign up to be an officer but theres just tooooo much on my plate.

im really nervous about taking all core classes just to graduate early. im trying to be optimistic 🤞 .. its just difficult. its been awhile since ive done that and im unsure of how well i am under nowadays.

but negatives out of the way !! i have tons of plans, some official some not. if all goes well ill be going to see hamilton in theaters ^-^!! ill tell you guys if its good if i see it. i also have a bbq bash, and i get to spend the night w friend !! YIPPPEEE :33

ok i think my yap is concluded. thank uuu for this url it means so much to me im very happy to call it mine :3<3
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28/08/25
sigh. hi /bajikeisuke lurkers. i actually lowkey wanted to redo yesterday's entry cuz it felt informal but i need to remember that this is just to get my feelings off my chest and have somewhere to organize my thoughts. && my thoughts RACE, and have always been informal. so im deciding not to change it. idk why im talking abt this i know yall dont care..

BUT HEY!! today is chem I got a 100% on my test, and as someone who really sucks at chem this is so odd?? it was a genuine test too. safe to say im happy.

I HAD TO FALL TO LOSE IT ALL, BUT IN THE END IT DOESNT EVEN MATTERRR!! sorry its what is playing in the car rn as I type this and I relate to it. strongly. gotta give my life for what I cherish, you know?

back to operations. so it is finalized im going to spend the night w my buddy and go to the bbq bash!! SUPA excited >-<. i might even be able to spend the night at his birthdayyy partayy. i like my friends a lot. theyre valuable to mee and always have been :3.

i hope the days keep going by nicely!! happy friday eve krewe.

p2. usually I doubt i'd write more than once in a day but i wrote kinda early so i have fresh stuff to rant about. i jusr wanna get it off my chest.

why do boys feel the need to impress their friends? why ? why cant you just act in the same manner you do when yourw with me. why do they have uto belittle you. it doesn't make sense.

last night my brother and I had a coming-together, he just admitted he didnt hate my guts and now its kind of fun to hang around me but. i felt like i was being seen for the first time when we talked about our mom. "its hard to reason with someone who acts like a child." shes so immature and now I know im not the only one dealing with it — he has just stopped caring. I wish I could do that.

but then we went shopping n stuff to run errands and his friend was with us. it was so awkward. i disliked it, and im starting to dislike his friend as much as I want to tolerate him. i know its just upon assiociation & the standards but it sucks. please just treat me like a normal human being.

you know, sometimes it feels like im living two seperate like body identifies. i know i'll never be accepted as a boy by anyone im around in person. im too feminine. i put up a facade. beliefs. its all a jumble, and I dont want to be judged. I want to be me. and sometimes maybe I wanna be one of the boys. I know I never will be but itd be nice ig.
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29/08/25
it is FRIYAY! currently w my dad writing this. i dont have much to say just a few things to get off my chest i suppose.

I REALLY hate repeating myself, or when it feels like someone chooses to ignore what i say. it irks a nerve deep within me and i just cant be gentle abt it. you get one warning ig :/. how do i fix this!!! how do i learn patience.

anywho, i saw this girl at barnes & noble (more like she saw ME) and shes really sweet -- scared me and just said hello :33 i got to talk to my friend and she fr confided that she hopes we stay in consistant contact after graduation and i just love that. she means a lot to me so shout out to her!!

happy for the weekend, and i get to hang w my dad. so hopefully ill have a good time ^-^. much loveeee
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01/09/25
hi bajikeisuke. im watching BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE errhm and its pretty fire. only watched it for jenna ortega and i love ehr character. i dont like the love interest though. this is like manipulation at the finest

i teally love my girlfriend i know i have a place to rant about her(you should so go read it. its at /bigboners. ANYWAY shes super sweet mwah mwah!!

im currently sick and idk i feel like shit but its SEPTEMBER FIRST!! YORKNEW CITY DAY :33 (hxh reference, go watch it now if you didnt understand my reference!!) i love hxh with so much of my heart. it reshaped parts of how i view friendship and goals with my deadly dreams.

HE MURDERED HIS PARENTS?? ASTRID RUN WHILE U CAN DUDEEE!! ugh sorry the part of the movie. so uhm have a good day bajikeisuke. i might be getting a strawberry kiwi smoothie and i go back to school tmr so more rants to come
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03/09/25
uhm hi im in class. im not used to updating this WHILST in school but here I am.. learning abt birth control in child development. im not tooooo interested but here I am learning about it. I feel like lowkey dissociative. it started yesterday but its still lingering and ugh. i was SO overstimulated yesterday so im just glad to be in a one-head zone(aka school!)

I have a lot of things to do, some stuff to catch up on in U.S. history. grumbleees !!! it wont be that bad, but still time consuming. I CANT wake to just sleep and snooze Nd eep when i get home. and also getting that dr pepper on my way home,, DROOLING.

I wasn't gonna talk tooo much abt my parts but I feel I should -- since they are me. luc has been draining us so bad and I feel just OUT OF IT. no energy. which partially is most likely from being sick(which I fear mightve been covid) but I know he's just there absorbing it. that little snarky black cat.
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04/09/25
haha venting time woo. my friend feels more like an aquintance than a friend. maybe im processing real friendship now that I have my friend group but she was first, she was mine. my friend, my best friend, my everything that I wasn't. I care for her so much, so why isn't it mutual? why does she have both m and k there doing everything I can't do, and CAN? I think that's the worst part.

her cruel enjoyments are absorbing her, and I don't indulge in those in the way she does. I wish I did now, maybe we could get along. well. I dont. I think thats the worst part? that the distance is because I don't relate to her like I used to. she's// changing. I guess. change. the change that was never meant to be.

sorry, R, sorry I can't do it. I can't be your friend and have our disattachment. the ones I have now understand me, or try. they dont know me like you do, but they enjoy my company. I think // maybe. my mind is whirling and im lost. this song is playing right now. "but you needed more than me" / "I felt as though I should leave." too relatable. too cruel and I may feel emotionally sick. betrayed, crushed and forgotten.

I'm not forgotten, she's spiteful, the most cruel form or punishment. to see her face and to see it fade pass the crowd without a hello. I wish to feel her presence. why must you change. // WOW im dramatic. I think im going crazy doing this but I need to get it off my chest. atleast before she reads my message and replies. and everything in my heart tells me she will explain this misunderstanding and we'll buddy again. but luc is telling me otherwise, that she isn't worth it. but he was never close to her. he misses other people, yet I miss her. so maybe thats what has me tugging strings like a feral dog with open wounds.

today is a rough day. but ill move onto the other part -- which I half promised my partner i'd get off my chest.
theatre.

Yeah. who wouldve thought? I am genuinely not as passionate abt theater as I thought I was. I could be more, could dedicate more. but I dont, and I genuinely cant. but I do what I can, dedicate how I can, and enjoy and let myself be happy in that environment. the people are the worst, i think. the making fun of, the pick-me's, the general fear of distaste. I want to get along with them all but I can't, i'm different and too different makes you have a displacement in a place that places you.

doing theater lets me absorb myself into something that I enjoy. acting. creating. people. fun. being anything i'm not. it encourages a facade, something i'm naturally talented in. so let me. but deep down I knew partially I wanted to impress. I wanted eyes of something, specifically mother. so I acted and created and went on and went on, forever I dedicated so I could impress. yet nothing did.

one time she showed up, but with distaste on her tongue, and wish to leave immediately. every time after she didn't even ask. she didn't care. and god forbid I bring up expenses. "I dont get anything out this" COME SEE ME ACT? PERFORM? SEE MY CREATIONS OF PRIDE ? no. i shouldnt care, I shouldnt yet I do. I wish she would just care. do the tiniest thing to show me she cares for ME. her absence is cold and unforgiving.

she doesnt even know what im doing for thespians, a playwright. im writing -- she knows I write atleast. but doesnt know what of. I mean, I dont ask alot but maybe if she asked I would read to her. something, perhaps my current write, a girl and her field. its cliche. but so is her not caring, not being interested, and getting angry when i ask her to care. its vile but its her and all her nature.

some days theater feels like a chore, but I can't blame her entirely on it turning into a chore. the expenses and the people and the things we do, the fun and dedication has turned in most terms "old." like something repetive that doesnt go away. I hope to find my enjoyment again, because I did enjoy it back then. I think

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Pub: 27 Aug 2021 16:36 UTC

Edit: 04 Sep 2025 17:40 UTC

Views: 178