because i wanted you to know how i felt. how it felt, every waking day, to long to truly be yours, just to be discarded. i had loved you. you hardly tried to hide the fact you didnt feel the same. every day, i tried, 3rd period i wanted to talk to you and spend time with you. you were naturally too focused on everything and everybody else. and even after that, when all was transitioning to 4th prd, still could i not recieve anything from you. i had nothing but the option to only walk behind you. walk behind the row of you and all the people you loved so much more, wishing that one day youd turn around, maybe even if it was only to eventually look behind and wave back when going to your own class. but no.
why didnt you listen? why did i have to show you how i felt, rather than you just listening and caring like that? why did i have to beg? why did i have to go that far, just for your attention?
we both knew you always had far more connection with the people who hated me and i hated back, rather with just me and you. i didnt want to have to show you how it felt. i wish you would have just let me tell you. yet no, clearly, all of them were just too important.
i mustn't even begin on the whole R situation. oh, how you "hated" them. from the very beginning you two were inseparable. at least, now that im gone from your mind, theres nothing stopping you from expressing that. "your best friend." i still dont understand why you only tried to hide it. you could have just told me you didnt want to really leave them. it would have hurt less than just sitting and watching you drift away and back into their arms like youve always wanted. i accept that i was a simple placeholder for the time being. and im glad now that im gone, im no longer the space between you two that youve always been waiting to disappear so you could get back to them, sooner or later.
am i really glad? no, it hurt like hell. but i did love you. i always wanted the best for you. and if this is your best, if they are your best, so be it. its no longer my job to try to be a part of your or their world.
and i hate the way my stomach twists upon hearing even anything similar to your name. even the slightest words bring me back. im not going to list them. theres much too many. you told me of all the things you would give me that never truly came. a gift, the plushie. the love i was told about. the kiss. and there i thought all those times we would finally share one. no. too embarrassing. you hardly wanted to be seen with me.
im still so confused. i dont even know what the hell is going on. i didnt then, and i still dont today, because every thing i hear from someone else is completely a different story from the others. i guess, in a light, its better that i really dont know.
the only reason i buried this long ass whiny bullshit here was because its clearly too long for anything like the unsent project or idk anything else.
feel accomplished.
and god help me, continue having more important things in your life, and dont read my corny thoughts. and even if you arent, which, i really hope you arent, please, let me continue to rot in the back of your head like i did. i hate the way you ruined my favorite bands. more importantly, i hate the way im forced to fear for my life that you, nor anybody else stumbles upon this. yet, with everything else ive come to hate, i still cant force myself into hating you.


edit someone remind me to delete this later please whyd i even post ts if i didnt want anyone to read it :skull: PLEAS

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Pub: 28 Jan 2026 05:18 UTC

Edit: 28 Jan 2026 05:32 UTC

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