<article id="30" class="entry">
<p>last entry of the month. this month has been nothing but anger & rage & agony.</p>
<p>13:06; last class proved that. i don't know what happened to me, i used to be able to take criticism so well but now i snap and cry. such is the life of a loser.</p>
</article>
<article id="29" class="entry">
<p>calc test today. awful. what do you mean "the first differentiable is positive, and the second differentiable is negative. order the areas/riemann sums." and what do you mean "which function fits with these conditions, -a ⩽ x ⩽ a; a > 0".</p>
<p>my father is coming back from india. he went for my grandfathers funeral. i'm glad hes coming back, i missed him.</p>
</article>
<article id="28" class="entry">
<p>i cut my hair. it's shorter than i wanted it to be but i love it. its side swept this time, different from the usual middle part i usually get.i wanted it to cut it to the middle of my chest, but it almost reaches my shoulders. my hair grows fast though, i'm not too worried.</p>
<p>got through the presentation. was a trainwreck. i also sucked. other people were good.</p>
<p>18:00; i felt such a rush of rage during physics, seeing <b>her</b>. she hasn't even done anything to me, and yet, i can't stop myself from cursing her out in my mind. she younger than me, and more mature than me. i'm jealous of a little girl.</p>
<p>january is almost over. hmm.</p>
</article>
<article id="27" class="entry">
<p>slept as soon as i had gotten home yesterday. still slept well in the night though.</p>
<p>13:35; sent out a new survey for my project. my mom didn't send it to people and neither did my teammates. fml.</p>
<p>genuinely hate this class now, its like i said in another one of my entries, i'm the only one that tries to put in any fucking effort. again, just constant anger.</p>
<p>15:17; in brighter news, i'm getting a haircut. i desperately need, it. my ends are terribly split & dry it's awful. i've also been wanting to cut it shorter for a while now. i want to get shaggy layers & a side bang, if she says it'll look good. my hair right now goes down to my lower back, but i'm going to cut it to the middle of my chest.</p>
<p>in angrier news: my team and i have a presentation tommorow & i have never been more screwed in my entire life. whatever bro, i should have just dropped out. it'll be good on my college apps though, but whats the point if i don't advance ?</p>
</article>
<article id="26" class="entry">
<p>next week, for one of my clubs, i will be volunteering at a clothing shelter. i'll get some volunteering hours in. good.</p>
<p>i haven't done yoga in a while, i'll get back on that.</p>
<p>my neck and back pain is gone, thankfully. it was because of the pillow i was sleeping on. so switching that fixed it. i'm very glad.</p>
<p>13:37; hungry</p>
</article>
<article id="25" class="entry">
<p>getting very into numerology & tarot. i'm not sure why. it's fun. i like it.</p>
<p>nothing has been happening, just stress & numbness, per usual.</p>
<p>working on the <a href="gamedev.html">game</a> some more. today i will finish up the story & start working on the styling.</p>
<p>yesterday, i cleared off my desk. i put away my monitor & my pc. i'm not using it as much anymore, so it just became clutter. i love the way it looks now, so clean, & so minimal. i also bought clip studio paint today. i want to start drawing again, but every time i do, i end up drawing for an imaginary audience. i've always had this problem since i was young, always pleasing the invisible being that haunts my shoulders every where i go. i used to think that it was god judging my every move. turns out it was anxiety.</p>
<p>i've actually forgotten that i have anxiety, it's so played down now days. everyone & their mother has it, so no one cares. i also don't care. i do care, because it makes me think i'm going to die if i get in trouble or if i have a calc test.</p>
<p>met with my tutor yesterday, relearnt trigonometry. it's so simple, i am truly an idiot.</p>
<p> enjoying silence again. i use sound as a way to cope with my head being too loud.</p>
<p>i feel as if "my" body & "my" mind are separate things. "my" in quotations because i don't know which is "mine" or which is "me". i present myself as someone who looks intelligent & is emotionally stable but inside i'm a vile being with so much negativity & idiocy. my head says one thing my body does the other. my body moves out of my control. it's as if the two halves of my brain are constantly at war with one another, trying to piss each other off in a petty argument, with my body & my emotions caught in the middle.</p>
<p>oh well. this weeks the final week of january.</p>
</article>
<article id="24" class="entry">
<p>been feeling a little bit better. i did some tarot spread last night, it was very calming.</p>
</article>
<article id="23" class="entry">
<p>08:10; today, i actually look nice. i showered, washed my face, & put makeup on. the bare minimum. usually i just brush & leave.</p>
<p>talked with one of my peers about my english teacher. she is not a good teacher. she does not teach, only rants about current news events. one of my table mates said that she would report her if she didn't improve, i hope she follows through.</p>
</article>
<article id="22" class="entry">
<p>on tuesday, i met my tutor. i liked her. i broke down in front of her. i don't want to see her again. i hate my emotions.</p>
<p>12:17; hearing people be successful. envy & hatred.</p>
<p>15:29; going to have to stay after school bc of the math tutoring club. i woke up at 1 today. so tired.</p>
</article>
<article id="21" class="entry">
<p>i want to jump into the core</p>
<p>my memories would melt into brilliant whiteness & disappear</p>
<p>if i could jump into the core</p>
<p>I feel like i'd be able to sleep again like I used to <h6>roshin yuukai</h6></p>
<p>noticing how everyone is together. how everyone has someone. people are thinking of each other even when they are not there.</p>
<p>13:49: i don't know if it's my hormones or how i actually am. i deserve it though, even from youth i was a vile parasitic being.</p>
<p>my sadness is broken, I might just die</p>
<p>my crying will echo all the way to the starry sky</p>
</article>
<article id="20" class="entry">
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<p>████ ██ ███ ████ ███ ██ ███████ ██ ████████ █ ██████ ████████ ██████ ████ ███████ ███ ███ █████ ██ ██ ███████ ████ ██ ███████ ███ █ ████████ ██████ █████ ███ █████ ██ █████████ █ ████ █ ███ █████ ██ ███ ██ ███████ ██ ███ ████ ███ █████ █████ the only reason i'm walking is because i was born.</p>
</article>
<article id="19" class="entry"></article>
<article id="18" class="entry">
<h1>1/19</h1>
<p>two days ago, my gr&father passed away. i wasn't very close to him, given the fact that he is on the other side of the world & we have a pretty big language barrier. he was very sick & possibly had cancer. it sounded like he was in a lot of pain, according to my mother. my father will be leaving tommorow to see him. i don't feel sad, but i'm not fine either. actually i am sad, i wish i talked to him a little more.</p>
<p>yesterday, i talked with my elder cousin. he has two conures, one named stewie. he didn't say the other ones name. he has a very good relationship with them, & gave me & my brother some tips to get close to ours. he's very nice & mature, we're very much alike.</p>
<p>last week was awful. hope this week will be better.</p>
</article>
<article id="17" class="entry"></article>
<article id="16" class="entry">
<h1>1/17 - blank</h1>
<p>12:27 - worked on corrections this morning. pissed off. i should know all this. fucking idiot.</p>
<p>apologized to one of my group members if i had seemed angry, she just said "it's okay." i don't know what that means.</p>
</article>
<article id="15" class="entry">
<h1>1/16 - rage</h1>
<p>11:54 - feeling nothing but rage recently. i spend half an hour writing a script & these assholes discarded it & "um"-d & "like"-d through the entire presentation, sounding just so bored. is it that hard to sound a <i>little</i> happier? is it really that hard? i feel like i'm the only one that fucking cares. i write the scripts, i make the presentations, i fill out the assignment, & all i want in return is just a little, TINY amount of passion. i wanted to be in this class to succeed, but with these people i can't imagine us making it to the final pitch, let alone fucking winning. it's not all their fault though, it's just so frustrating. as long as i still have the passion, this project won't die. i just need to make it to may & be done with everything.</p>
</article>
<article id="14" class="entry">
<h1>1/15</h1>
</article>
<article id="13" class="entry">
<h1>1/14</h1>
<p>10:08 - so fucking pissed. unbelievably angry. wrathful. nothing but fury in my heart.i knew EVERYTHING on that test, STILL FAILED. WHAT THE FUCK??????? & that bitch got a higher score than me, what a perfect little fucking asshole. i didn't get the lowest score in the class, so i have that. but what different does that make, i'm still shit. its like the quote "why does that matter? i am still ugly & he is still god."</p>
<p>12:29 - still mad. but not enraged.</p>
</article>
<article id="12" class="entry">
<h1>1/13 - i am going to shoot myself</h1>
<p>09:48 - i hate calculus i hope whoever invented it is rotting in the fiery pits of hell </p>
<p>11:02 - why the fuck is my english teacher making us do yoga</p>
</article>
<article id="11" class="entry">
<h1>1/12</h1>
</article>
<article id="10" class="entry">
<h1>1/11 - forgot</h1>
<p>forgot to post yesterdays entry. whoops.</p>
<p>i went with my friend to subway, i hadn't seen her in a while.</p>
<p>so happy she didn't change at all, i missed her so much.</p>
<p>we just talked for such a long time in there, mostly because i'm a painfully slow eater. but i had such a good time with her. shes so fun to be around, i forget all my problems with her.</p>
<p>i took a prelim. test for sat tutoring, i'm so mad that i even have to take it, i should know this stuff already. it's incredibly humiliating. but i'm just going to have to face it.</p>
<p>they didn't tell me my score afterwards, or what i got right or wrong. i wish they did.</p>
<p>on spring break, i AM getting my license. everyone i have talked to said it was easy, besides the parallel parking part. i thought they would put me on the highway or something, but that's not the case it seems.</p>
</article>
<article id="9" class="entry">
<h1>1/10 - nbt</h1>
<p>01:18 - cannot sleep.</p>
<p>yesterday was SO COLD. not only was it cold, it was raining & there was strong winds. i genuinely could not think i was so cold. i can't bring very thick jackets because we are not given lockers, & i'm not carrying that all day with me.</p>
</article>
<article id="8" class="entry">
<h1>1/9 - light mode</h1>
<p>12:28 - switching to light mode for everything. really partial to white lately.</p>
<p>17:36 - today was very boring. on friday, i am going out with my friend & having subway. on saturday, my mom is celebrating lohri i will be getting an sat tutor. for that i need to take another practice test. ugh.</p>
</article>
<article id="7" class="entry">
<h1>1/8 - not sure</h1>
<p>13:37 - don't know if people find me obnoxious. i wish i could know what everyone thinks of me at all times.</p>
<p>brought my water bottle today. makeup & yoga again. i did some of my math homework last night, but tonight it will be done. i also have an annotated bibliography to finish by friday. me writing this is me procrastinating.</p>
<p>been sitting in silence a lot. not feeling the need to listen to music, even when it's loud.</p>
<p>cold again, ~30F. but i layered. albeit poorly, but an attempt was made.</p>
</article>
<article id="6" class="entry">
<h1>1/7 - school</h1>
<p>12:05 - 1st & 2nd period done. did my makeup & a little yoga in the morning. forgot my water, super thirsty. very cold today as well, 26F. math was okay, nothing too crazy. got a new book, <i>REMOTE CONTROL</i>. everything is fine right now.</p>
<p>17:39 - today was alright. i got a cappuccino on the way home. only drank coffee today, need to drink more water. removed my makeup when i got home, as opposed to sleeping in it. neck & back hurt a lot. not super tired, don't know if it's because of my mood or because of the coffee. gonna watch some more & then read.</p>
</article>
<article id="5" class="entry">
<h1>1/6 - 19:28</h1>
<p>yoga again today. body hurt a little less. tommorow, i'm going to try a shorter routine. forgot to take medication.</p>
<p>finished kengan ashura. hated the ending. but i'll read the sequel manga, i like the art style.</p>
<p>watching a new show, <i>The Glory</i>. liking it a lot so far. hope it doesn't have a stupid ending like kengan.</p>
<p>school starts tommorow & the cycle will repeat again, unfortunately.</p>
</article>
<article id="4" class="entry">
<h1>1/5 - your did it</h1>
<p>made it through the entire yoga routine. my legs hurt but it gave the energy i needed. pathetic that it took this long, but at least i did. i keep whining about stuff, this year i'll change. </p>
</article>
<article id="3" class="entry">
<h1>1/4 - 20:48</h1>
<p>i lied. i did do something yesterday, i did yoga. i could barely do it though. i'm so weak, both mentally & physically. oh well.</p>
<p>i'm very nervous for school, but i can't do anything about it. i know that whenever i study i'm going to get things wrong & i convince myself that there's no point. its just an endless cycle of thinking about failing, then failing, then regret.</p>
</article>
<article id="2" class="entry">
<h1>1/3 - nothing</h1>
<p>woke up late again. nothing happened today. just very angry.</p>
</article>
<article id="1" class="entry">
<h1>1/2 - day out</h1>
<p>today i woke up late. i've been watching kengan asura. i didn't think i'd like it so much. my life is pretty boring, so it's nice to see some action once in a while.</p>
<p>i went out with my friend to a mall. we had a really good time. she's so funny & amazing. i told her that when me & her sat down in food court. she looked embarrassed. she is such a genuine person, i want to be lke her.</p>
<p>i bought a polo shirt, graphic tee, & a bra from aeropostale. i also got a mini perfume bottle to put my favourite victorias secret perfume in.</p>
<p>we only walked for 2 hr's, but my legs hurt. tommorow, i'll do some yoga. i'll also start reviewing math. i've forgotten everything pretty much.</p>
<p>i'm going to try & sleep on time today.</p>
</article>
<article id="0" class="entry">
<h1>1/1 - resolutions</h1>
<p>hello. happy january.</p>
<p>last year was horrible (but fun), & this one will probably be too. but what is there to do? can't control everything. that's what i've learned from 2024.</p>
<p>my resolutions for this are divided into two categories. <i>initial</i> & <i>impetus</i>.</p>
<p><i>initial</i> goals are self explanatory. they are simple goals that i can achieve. one problem i have is that i jump to the end too quickly, end up failed & give up. with these initial goals. i project myself to complete these goals in a few months, but not more than 5. i will hold myself accountable for this.</p>
<p><i>impetus</i> means "encouragement resulting in increased activity" (Merriam-Webster, 2024). therefore, these goals are meant for the middle of the year, after i've built up momentum from the <i>initial</i> ones. these are going to be harder goals, so i expect to complete them by next year.</p>
<p>i also have <i>hopes</i>. they are self-explanatory. last year, i didn't actually have any hopes. let's see if this changes anything.</p>
<p>i've put them in their own page. <a href="nyres.html">here they are</a>.</p>
<p>there is but one more year till graduation. it's now or never.</p>
</article>