not a typical blog post.
,,
im genuinely, so, so happy with all the progress ive made. ive changed so much from the last few years, and looking back, its shocking seeing how far ive come. it shows that you DO get better with patience. im not a good person, thats still a given, but im definitely not even CLOSE to how i used to be. i did awful things, i literally begged people to say slurs??? told my friends i was going to hurt myself (and my close friend that i was gonna kms), been an utter asshole and a terrible friend and partner, hell i fucking decided to slit my shit in the therapy bathroom when the girl helps me clean it and then asks me to do the same to her while she vapes. jesus fucking christ.
im not coming back from that. i NEVER can. it is still what I did, even if ive changed. it is still my responsibility, and my horrible, disgusting wrongdoings. i know i do not deserve to just be "forgiven." everything i did and was, was batshit insane. im not even going to list it all.
even though i accept that it was still me, that has to face the consequences and be reasonably disliked for, i can still admit to myself, i have made progress. i would say im a whole different person.. but am i?
nonetheless, i truly feel so accomplished with how i stand today. literally ZERO mental illness, ive no harmful urges whatsoever, i know the difference between okay shit to say and do and to not, treat people, everything. and i finally feel so proud. i was horrid, mental illness an overwhelming part of it, but still not any excuse. and without that illness in my brain, im (almost) a (semi) good(-ish) person. at least thats what i want to think.
i dont know if it was the new school, or what ... but either way whatsoever, i have made such an insane difference in myself.
do i still have thoughts of harmful things to myself and others? yes, that im not sure if i can get rid of, they come disgustingly naturally. but, would i act on any of them today? no. i know how to "treat" my body, i know how to treat others, loved ones, everyone. im still a heavy asshole to the very few people ive hatred for, only when they act at me, but other than that, i truly have come so far. i dont know what else to say, ive had so many different words, but it would all simply repeat the all of the things ive already stated.
ive made such a change in myself, and i know thatll make a change in the world. i will be better to people. i have been so much better, and its honestly so, so relieving finally taking in my accomplishments and especially seeing others i interact with happy.
of course, not all of it - my mental illness - is erased. i still have plenty of bad thoughts, but the fact i know myself that i wont act on any one of them is so, idk, just amazing to feel in myself, you know?
my heart still wrenches looking back, just for a second, at the person i was. god, i was fucking crazy. but i then realize, yeah, look at how much of an ass you were - ; and look at you right now.
im so proud </3 😭😭 this whole entry is stupid because yeah no onell see it, but nonetheless, its meaningful to me. i have so many more friends, empathy, respect, all of that, and i dont just want to forget about everything ive done, but i want to stop bothering the people ive already hurt enough, i would apologize even though most i cant talk to anymore, and i then want to keep moving forward. its corny ueah,, but it feels so wonderful just. glancing around, my home, my pets, my family, school, life, all of it, and realizing where i really am.
i know its not a "all at once" thing, i still need to genuinely fully "fix" myself for my next "chapter," but im already excited, for a partner whom ill truly treat better than well, for a home and the job ill have the motivation for, and i know, "youre going on about all this, but its funny asl because you do realize that if you look back on writing this in a few years, youll hate working and be miserable and shit?"
yeah. and ill cope. ive learned my lessons, countless ones, and, for once, i am a person. even if nobody else gives a hell about my progress or even notices it, ill still be glad, for myself.
corny part 😭 i know my "parents" dont, my moms too focused on my "stepdad," my sibling wont because she hardly remembers the past few years, my old friends wont, we hardly talk anymore, i guess that includes my ex, and my current/future friends wont even know everything ive done before. no one will love me enough to fully care and appreciate me, and i feel like a shitty narcissist using that word, but really this isnt going to be read. even if no one else, i care, i care that im no longer, as hurtful/hurting, as i used to be for years. even if its me against the world, which i pretty much have already more than earned, im still proud, im proud that even if nobody notices, i notice, and ill notice the world and everyone around me changing. for the, much, MUCH better. ive come so far - i really ALWAYS thought the "it always gets better" shit was corny as doodooballs, but it isnt. and i know telling someone that wont "snap" them out of it, ive been in the very state, but even if they dont realize for years, it really will be true. id see something like this, and say "ok well good for you bitch not everyone is so gleeful and adaptable" and i wouldnt even be able to really prove someone like old me wrong on those words, all i can really do, is just say, "trust me." because, all in all, it does get better. you can change even more than i did. anyone can. including you, imaginary reader!
.,soyeah,, not a BLOG blog. a positive vent i guess? but still i really feel so accomplished with where i am !! and i feel so uhh not bad, knowing i will not hurt people anywhere near as much as i used to. and i double pinky promise swear to myself that . i really am so finally glad that part of my life is over, and im ready to love again. better to my loved friends and family, and everything. even when part of me is like "hey u should do this points at the basket of scissors and my thigh" vs "why even would i??? 😭" school is so much better and that takes up a HUGE portion of my life DUH 😭 future me if you ever reread these, you better not have broken that promise. relearn, just like i did. because no matter what,
things will always get better with time.

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Pub: 10 Jan 2026 06:21 UTC

Edit: 20 Jan 2026 19:38 UTC