as much as i dont like to think of myself as a mere "stepping stone," i guess it's true. i was able to help in the long run, right? i was able to get them together, and i was able to bring them back together as well. i think that's my only part within their lives. but i guess it was a good thing for me to learn and to be less self centered, and think more about others or something. they "hated" eachother. i eventually learned my real place. now theyre best buds again, sharing mutual dislike over me, so wasnt that a sort of good thing..? that i helped repair a relationship, even if it ruined mine? or maybe am i just still self centered and only thinking about me when i never really helped. maybe.
the way i see it, i was sort of like a quite literal stepping stone for "x" to get to "y", and when they fell apart, my new "place" was to stand between under them yet again, just to re-let x get to y once more. i hate it, i hate the thought of being nothing. but did i help? didnt i? even if im too egotistical to focus on "how it hurt me," didnt it sort of i guess help two others,, in a way? or who knows, maybe it was all for nothing and they hate eachother again. but id truly doubt it. i hate how little i was to them. but i guess, in the end, they were happy when back to y.
so what do i mean? did i mean nothing else? yeah, most likely. i buried my own pit between them, it was my fault i tried to help and involve myself.
i guess the real deal is, why havent i moved on? idk. i think of it every time any one of my friends get even the slightest bit mad at the other. would i do it again, bring them together without me, just to make them happy? ive done it before. i had a friend who, the second i was hospitalized for a week, the day i came back were clearly thriving sitting elsewhere with other people that hated me (and reasonably they mever came back, or talked to me again.)
is it my fault? why am i talking to myself? is this stupid?, because if someone else is reading this, the only logical thing to think would be, "yes, it pretty much was your fault 🥀💀"
maybe ill just stop involving myself. maybe ill just stop making friends that i know eventually i wont matter too. also happened with my really long bsf, were still friends, but yeah idk i also feel like in the "friend group" when i left it only brought them together more, and happier.
and yeah, it is my fault, because if id have to do something like that just to make a loved one happy, i will. so, i guess im glad i could be of use to people. i should lock in already, knowing with each of those stories ive already done enough and need to keep going, but for some reason i cant. maybe i only still think about it, because i havent done enough? ill shut up because in my head this was seriously supposed to only be ~3 sentences long but look who gets hung up on tangents just to keep whining about my corny unoriginal ass life