was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? was i? what about you?
gone. gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone gone for good and dont come back stay in the hospital where you belong or have another seizure and choke like you should
why am i not dead? i should be. so many times. ive been so close. attempts could never help me. seizures. the one time i was really close and had been choking for a while, eventually my mom came out after she thought it was construction for 20 minutes and called the ambulance. other close time, home alone, i guess. mom comes home. floor. on the floor. shaking. pale. holding onto life knowing i shouldnt be. maybe have one in the shower. see if someone cares.
gone.
was it love? ever? longing? satisfaction? relief? gone. not missed. not missing. just simply gone.
against my will. trapped in a crammed disgusting unseen building for months. unseen. absolutely no footage whatsoever of the place. illegal. no trace. no one would believe me. the rooms. the showers. outside. school room. meeting room. office. it all. dull. and its understandable to see that no one cares (other than my family.) in just a few years, no one would even believe it. do i have proof? they are gone. it is all gone. the place. those. those who got a break from me. all released. done. was i?
back. come back. never see me. let me die. watch. hear. hear my death. all of my friends. i love you all. but i know you would be not exactly devastated to see my end. would you? am i? it is gone.
wording. my wording is worse than stupid. for days my entries have been shitty like this. sense. makes no sense. wording. repeating. again and again and again. understand. if i ever look back on these, not even i will understand what the hell im trying to say because of this incomprehensible repetitive slop.
towels. hospitals. miss me. did you? did you really? are you lying? has it always been a pure lie? i try to believe. i am gullible.
so, was i? was it? gone. i was gone. were you? you did not miss me, did you? never. no one. all of you. missed. burden.
you are not overthinking. you barely think to begin with. perhaps natural selection is being generous. or maybe im just a pain in the ass. should i be dead? or is that just a thought?
tell me. you tell me. tell me to be done. tell me to rest. ill die sooner or later. maybe a seizure. maybe someone else. an accident. an injury. i dont know anymore. how about you? could you kill me? are you capable? are you strong? no, weak. nothing but weak. i am weak. how ugly.
blog. diary. whatever it is. stupid.
rot. maybe i should rot.
thanatophobia. disgust. pure regret and fear. sooner or later. gone once more. and none of them would know.
i still do have my best friend from my old school. im genuinely so grateful for them. i just feel shitty. this is going nowhere. perhaps the corniest rentry page on the web.
tell me if you care. there isnt even a "you." i think. i dont know. again, going on a tangent. im ending this here while im willing to.