so loke.. last night i MAY have had a srizure ๐ storytime ๐ฅนโค๏ธโ๐ฉน.
so.. late last night. actually, a little early. meh not important ๐ i was on my puter.. a little rare nowadays because mostly im on my phone lately ..! well, was just doing uhh actually idk ion renember...
but.. first thing i remember.? i woke up, at my desk with my computer . i was just,, dready, i can hardly even process everything. my computer was completely off when i woke up, which confused me, because i wasnt even knowing of what happened. i was like "HOW is my pc off? i was JUST on it.???" i was OUTTA it, i really dont even know what to say damn
i was so indescribably tired, but first right after i woke up oh god i started THINKING. a little too much. i kept looking around, i cried for who knows how long, derealizing if thats what its called? "im not real. am i? am i a human sitting here? does this matter? is my whole life a strange burning memory? is my mother a simulation?" im not gonna even go on it was genuinely awful. i didnt know what to do.
eventually, i barely locked in ๐ and was like, "ok, fucj if this is all a hallucination and im not real somehow, lets just be normal for the rest of it and go to bed." it took me a lot to get up, and fir some reason, to me, even HOLDING MY PHONE exhausted my body. i told mysdlf it wouldnt matter, because im not real, and it wont mean anything next morning. with that i just plopped it down on my suitcase and slugged upstairs. i sat on the toilet for presumably at LEAST an hour or more. i kept looking around, and waking up, and then waking up again , i assume i kept falling asleep and . idek. took me everything to stand up finally. when i got in the bathroom i couldnt even bare to turn on the lights. so eventually when i did, i just stood at the counter for at least 10 minutes trying my hardest not to fall asleep right there resting my hands on the countertop. i eventually was like "oh fuck ts im not brushing my teeth am i i dknt even have any damn toothpaste i used it up yesterday" so i screwed the idea away. i sleep naked ๐ so i took off my pajamas. again, i was OUTTA MY SHIT. of course, they were dirty clothes, i wore them and everything. and you know where dirty stuff goes? TRASH BIN ๐ฅน๐ฅน even I was confused i was like "dang no one else has their clothes in here??" and i rven did have a weird feeling about it too, but i guess the laundry bin RIGHT. like RIGHT behind me was nonexistent ๐ญ. eventually my butt went to bed and yeah, took me at least an HOUR rolling over and over and over again because my body clearly just couldnt make up its shit on whether to vomit or not 
this morni g it was a little funny o was like. hellp.? hello was trhat a nightmare.. that couldnt have been real rigbt?? - i look next to me, no phone. look over the banister, and right there on my suitcase.. so i head to the restroom, and i did remember putting my clothes in the nasty bathroom trash can ๐ but they werent there, so i was relieved "hey at least that part wasnt real.. right??" i come downstairs, still a lil groggy as per use and my sibling is like "hey man um why were your clothes in the trash the other night.? ๐ญ๐ญ.?..." and im like THAT WAS REAL??? so i sat down and explained the funny ass story, and yeah she was nice and she was the one that removed em from the trash bag and into the actual dirty laundry bin ๐
i felt hella crappy all day, but im doin better. i believe that seizure wasnt one of my momentarily during it all VIOLENT ones, but one with worse aftereffects.
uhh rest for the most part of today was normal i guess we went for med management and my moms yearly screeners and such anddd my stepgrandmas birthday celebration which was pretty yummy ,,! other than thatttt a few times i still felt awful from the seizure but im mostly alright now ๐โโ๏ธ๐โโ๏ธ๐ฅ
i also was kinda really sad earlier because i was upset. still kinda am. "what if i never find love because of all this exhausting seizure bullshit? and even worse, what if i DO, and i force ANOTHER loved one to just suffer and watch me repeatedly do this again and again and again? NO one wants a partner who has seizures all the time, its already more tiring for my family than it even is for me. maybe its good im not idk like ts so corny but whatever maybe its good i dont have a partner or even more friends to put up with me constantly havi g annoying fucking drama cant even catch a single break without hearing sum "hehh guess who had a seizure..!" and yeah if i ever like lived with someone in the future or something thatd be worse because id feel truly so disgusting making them witness all that. even people who didnt even know me were crying the first time i had a seizure at my new school this year, and i dont even know if i can bear to begin to imagine someone who did know me, and even loved me, to keep having to repeatedly just.. go through that. again. and again. and again. how pathetic. how needy. how exhausting. not for me. for anybody else that could ever have to witness these happenings in the future as well. a part of me just wants to wholely isolate myself and not interact with people just to make sure i wont scare people as much when i grab my load of everybodys drop of attention for myself. talk about attention seeking?
ok thats actually a rrly stupid way to put it
im not trying to have this i fucking hate seizures, but still, it would be attention grabbing. wasting. time-wasting. im going to cut my whiny butt off her finally lock the fuck in sammy also yes if youre reading this that is actually my real name ๐ญ thats where sam comes from of course
anyeafiguddr syfbamu sab sal sam wjatever you are gangalang