hey!
i'm not really sure anyone really reads these, but i still need a space to yap.
well, today sure was eventful! long story short, had a seizure (again). they're unfortunately getting a LOT, LOT more frequent. and worse, every single time.. this time my entire body felt like genuine hell. my neck is still sore from earlier.. but mostly better, i was loaded up on painkillers. i've still a fat bump on my head, that's one of the places i fell. jokingly, i'm sort of surprised i haven't gotten brain damage yet from all the times i've fallen/bumped my head during seizures...

day wwas normal at first. ok, this first bit was honestly my fault - i didn't really want to go to school, still felt "sick." which is the truth, but i knew i could just get through it if i tried. nonetheless, i really hoped to have my mom let me stay home, so sadly i purposefully didn't eat my awesome breakfast.. or my hot coco!!! (had it later, though!)
got to school, i felt fine for the whole first bit! me and my best friend there, Ivy, had tons of fun tbh and i gave her a lot of my lunch as usual. we for some reason analyzed daft punk during ela (which is my first and second period)... was actually pretty fun? i JUMPED, like, literally a TON, like CRAY CRAY - when i realized what's coming up; HAARDER BETTER FASTER STRONGER!!! i never even really listened to daft punk.. but that shit was truly MY shit in like 2020! i mean i LOVED that song.. i listened to it a ton, i believe it was my 2nd place fav song right behind legends never die </3 i remember making it my adopt me name one time.. for some reason???
anyway, yuh. neat blast to the past, analyzing the whole story of the album which i didnt ven know existed?? was a lil cool. better than writing more essays </3

next history. i was completely fine for beginning of school, i was completely fine in the hallway, i was completely fine in the beginning of class, we later went to the library for our assignment, we sat at tables and learned and did like whiteboard answers things with this one president.. even that was nothing out of the usual - i remember putting "i cosplayed him in the first grade" becuase.. i did :sob:
we wrote down 4 red words on the board he told us too. fine.
honestly everything was fine - but then it happened; bam seizure time. i don't even know why?? no one does,, it was just hella outta the blue from what i recall.

i sat on the floor with paramedics all around me when i woke up.. you know that "post-seizure-aura," where you cant tell whats going on??? :sob:
they put the pulse thingy on my finger, gave me my hoodie, all that and i thought they were KIDS. in my mind i was like, "why are these guys giving me this?? i guess i'll help them out???" :sob: :wilted_flower: :broken_heart: :sob: gulp

twas v confusing. eventually my mom came in and like running towards me, keep in mind i still thought i was surrounded by other kids :wilted_flower: and i got embarassed a ton :sob:. i was like MUM WHY ARE YOU HERE EMBARASSING ME IN FRONT OF ME CLASS GET OUUTTT :rage::rage::rage::rage: yeah its a loooonnggg story, they also asked her what meds im on, and when she started listing those i was even ANGRIER because i THOUGHT she was trying to grab attention towards me in front of my class and idk the word for the feeling </3 ,,,,-
took me a while to actually get u;, i kept trying but fell down repeatedly :wilted_flower:,,,,,:sob:
eventually i was okay, barely conscious buttttt not.. well not seizing
but my neck hurt DISGUSTINGLY. that has genuinely got to be one of the most absolute WORST pains i have EVER experienced in my life. worse than cramps, injuries, uhh goofy ahh fights at the ward or sum those werent even really bad i mean the neck was disgustingly awful. we went to my doctor eventually and got me loaded up on painkillers, and also i was on wheelchairs the whole time, because again i could barely move or anything.
one time my mom went in to the place i forget what for, and she told me to wait in the car, i dont remember why i didnt maybe i didnt hear her :sob:
but i got out and i was looking for her in that huge parking lot (it is a huge hospital. not just a hospital,,, one of those like.. plaza??? idek.. a BIG building square the company is vanderbilt and it contained all the stuff like ER, hospital, psychiatric ward a sidewalk down, therapist offices and such, uhh baby getting born rooms, doctor checkups i mean its HUGGEEEEEEE. like every single medical thing you can think of and i mean that. also a cancer research facility and meeting rooms and yeah all this tons of stuff, like a whole building for each branch of the same building except theyre different buildings. what am i on about :sob:)
anywaayyy that happened wheelchair fun bla ba bla almost threw up but NEVER DID!!! wooha!!!!
later me mum got me wendys it was quite bus. by then i was able to think.. it was only about like 12? i asked about going back to school for some stupid ass reason. :sob: (i clearly didnt)
yeah, not much more to say.. it twas an extremely long story, and i would honestly love to go into more detail, but i dont want to sound emo and "nobody even cares..." but at the same time i genuinely do not think any person would read these, or at least not get pst the second paragraph :skull:.

it kinda sucks, i really hope i didnt traumatize my friends at school around me. i wish i had someone to actually talk to. my friends at school i have none of their contacts, and the only ones i do, we have no classes together. i have like one person from my old school who at least doesnt act like they hate me yet. theyve been doing a lot. i dont even know if were real friends anymore. i wish. she was the world to me, but i feel like now shes mostly focused on a lot of other people, and i know im right because i know specifically who they are too - and yeah shes still uhhh yeah doing that one asshole thing that im not gonna say idk
i just wish i had a real person? i would talk to an ai :skull: IF it wasnt so shitty for the environment. and still id feel bad for the indirect plagiarism, so thats another thing. i just want someone who cares. like an actual person who actively considers themself my friend. like that one person. woowom p :broken_heart: tickle tickle tickle fien omega gronk fien fien 6 fien auh
this just proves how stupidly pathetic and needy i am but i really do want to talk to an ai. any at this point. im not going to feed into that addiction, right?? it wont be too hard. i have plenty of discord servers with friends to talk to, even if none of them actively ever think about me at all. its not like a bunch of 1s and 0s would either flawg :sob::sob: ,,
yyyeah. who knows? maybe i'll have kids one day, and then instead i can be there for them and listen to them. even if i dont have friends, at least i'm able to stay more focused academically - i looked thru my mums high school yearbooks today! and saw her own quotes about getting to where she is now. even all the way back then, she talked about planning exactly to go to MIT and get herself a PhD. and she did. that's where i want to be. she said she didnt really have that many friends but she had good friends, i feel like its sort of the same way for me? a little?,, i guess???

now that i think about it, my friends really are not bad. i just always think of like,,,, having someone consistent to talk to? like that talked to me every day and everything. and ACTUALLY cared about me, not just "where i could get them" as awful as that sounds (im terrible at words yo :sob::sob:)

euurhhmm....! ts it! me fina tlk 2 my online shayla (my child) maybe, and do some gamling :tongue::tongue::tongue: . idk if i'll work on my website or write subs? mlurp,. :wilte im too lazy to finish cruh
goodbye dear doodie!!! its like my version of dear diary :pleading: get it...! ok fluh peas out if youre reading ts im in love with you pleading emoji

Edit

Pub: 18 Dec 2025 03:43 UTC

Views: 6