i know no one reads these so this is just more like a diary
WRITTEN YESTERDAY :
im just so tired. i dont know what to do anymore.
i just want people who would care. genuinely care. and wonder about me. ever.
hes somehow taken all of my irl friends, and i still dont know what i did to him. i was the one that was broken up with over text. i was the one that was broken up with on our anniversary that he didnt even remember. im just so confused
my "best friend" of 8 years is still following him, i cant even remember if ive already bitched about this whole thing here before
OK TODAYS ESSAY:
asked to talk
yeah and still my friend is only following me and my ex, and my ex is fucking following him back. hes literally shit talked "friend" around me like fucking crazy
i feel bad saying choose sides. but please just pick a fucking lane at this point im just so tired. i dont even know how anyone really feels anymore. she doesnt even talk to me usually unless she wants something, or has no one else to talk to.
idk am i a shithead am i overreacting
the worst part about even saying this or venting - i know this is all just part of his plan. i'm not that stupid.
i know this was his goal. i know me writing this and being confused would only fuel him more. i'd be surprised if it doesn't.
well, if you're reading this - as corny as it sounds, you've gotten what you wanted. you took my friends. my best friend for 8 years. you took my "reputation" and tore it to shreds with your bullshit lies.
is that not enough for you?
i get the point. i mean i sort of dont .im not trying to make excuses, but your only point when breaking up with me is saying i was distant, and god i can't even start on the shit that was going down in my life. (for a start, 2 of my family members died, but thats surprisingly not even the worst.)
you said i talked to your ex. the ex you were so obsessed with going crazy and mad about. i remember you couldn't go at bare minimum a week without telling me about them. you never truly left them. you stayed friends, even after the breakup. i know you were waiting for the perfect moment to "come back to them." i realize now i was but a stepping stone in your plan.
you've told yourself you've "won." if you have, then tell me, why are you still trying? now am i getting the "cal treatment?" except you still don't even talk to me, instead, you talk to my friends and looked at my business and accounts. if you're still this,, i don't know, un-content, shouldn't you just make both of our lives less stressful and let me go? you might be the type of person to think "oh get a load of this guy i HAVE let bro go" you're reading this, are you not?
i'm not going to say you've won. a "win" isn't petty bullshit like this. this is nothing but a losing game, for the both of us, no matter how much you get off to doing everything in your power to try and make this all the worse for me.
is this corny? yes, i realize it is. but, does my point not still stand?
.
.
different person i'm talking about now.
i sent it.
i'm more than scared.
i haven't shed in months, i am NOT planning on going straight back to res. i probably wont. but wouldnt you feel disgusting if your best friend for 8 years ,, idk, just disappeared, just like that,,?
i really dont want it to be the case. but, for some reason im still trying to "brace myself." for whatever his answer will end up being.
i have a sneerrringggg suspicion that i'll just be blocked without a response, and probably lose a pinterest follower as well. (well, and my best friend.)
i'll live. right? i've met so many people at my new school. but none like him. none that's seen, like, literally every phase of me, none we've watched the other grow up.
well, my dear diary, i guess i'll keep ya updated. there isn't anything else i can really do. others' lives are not in my control. i'll,, just hope for the best.
ok, 4:52 PM - im back! didnt go awful. we didnt actually say much. its better than completely leaving eachother, though!
i'm still confused, about the other other thing now.
ok, i realized that no one would actually read anything up there. so i can pretty much talk about whatever i want.
im just idk. i dont mean to be like overreacting or weird or idk. but looking through my followers again, for some reason checked his profile. bio?
"i didnt cheat on you bro grow up"
so now im even more confused. idk. other of my friends said they'd believe he cheated, and even told me exactly where to look for evidence, but in most places i just did it on my own. they said he did. the evidence didnt directly say it, but very strongly nudged at it. i guess. idk.
i guess i'll never really know whatever really happened those months i was gone. i've tried trusting different people, and i keep getting such different shit. the last time we talked, he told me he "had never even gotten my letters." i don't think it's just a lie. but would it be the truth? not that either, i hate saying it and reminding myself of those months, but where the hell else would they have gone? did he get the first few ones and eventually just get tired of them and stop reading them? did they get lost in the mail somehow??? i wouldnt think so, because even after i didnt hear anything back from having it mailed from the staff, i begged my mom to try mailing it in different things each week in case they "didn't get to the right place."
god i really just want to delete this all
ok and other probable answer brah ts NOT about me.
"world dont revolve around you" ass bitch i need to smbau idek can i lock in its not about me and if it is then theres still nothing i can do about it cblast lock the FUCK in
i think, maybe the best option, might just be to not check again. don't look back.
it'll be hard knowing that i'm a curious ass bitch
. but if i set a goal to lock in, im locking in. so instead of even opening pinterest tonight, consider me LOCKED in (on discord and on them GAMES on ma phone 

) (distraction technically IS a "dbt coping skill".... more money mouth emoji)
ok corny vent coming up wilted flower emoji
no one. no one missed me. no one misses me. no one would miss me. i was gone. i was gone. i was gone for 4 months. i did not see my house for four months. i did not see my friends or go to school for 4 fucking months. i had nothing in those 4 months. i had nothing to hope. but i did. i clung onto getting out. i clung onto seeing my mother, sister, partner at the time, all my friends, everything when i got out. its actually sorta corny though because no one even really cared that much when i said i was out 
wilted flower
i miss being there. i feel it. i feel there. i'm in the lobby. i came from the downstairs gym. i grab a towel. i take my toiletries to wash. i dry myself off and change into my clothes while letting my hair dry. i tug on my grippy socks. i look into that mirror. my mirror. i am tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. i mtyired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tied. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired. im tired.
months. months upon months and months. what do i miss more? the geese. i remember the flocks. i like to stare from inside our "classroom" and watch them pass everyday. cute. they were cute. i would watch.
i would leave. snack. fruit. i had my snack. i had my lunch. my dinner my breakfast. what would be for dinner today? what are they learning about now? what am i missing?
fruit. i miss the fruit.
oh god. its been a year. it was summer. they went outside. theyve gone outside. it has been more than a year. it's been more than i year since i've been there. anywhere. do i need to go back? do i want to go back? who would notice my absence when i'd go back?
ive thought about this before. i know. i know the reason. i know the only reason stopping me from going right back there to my home is the cost. the expenses, the money. was it worth it? was it worth it, samuel? samwell? sam(p)son? samiel? i dont even know the full version of my name
ok lock in ill lwk be back later.
um doont forget a bou bou bou bou bout me dont dorget abouboubouboubout me bye rentry diary