i dont know what to do anymore. im so tired. im tired of buying love. im tired of having to buy shit just for people to care about me. im tired. i just want true love and thats clearly asking for more than enough. im tired of having to buy 20 things and constantly keep them in mind while shopping at all just to have a partner want to think of me. im tired of having to buy my way into shit like buy a cruise or pay for getting into a treatment place to get people to like me. im tired of being sick. im sick of being tired. am i just naturally this unlovable? do i need to learn my place? should i quit actually searching and just buy things for people as they come and go when unsatisfied, and "wait" for someone to eventually come and wait for me? wait and give me another chance to get them something better? to be something better? am i not giving enough? have i not given enough? is it that im not purchasing affection often and expensive enough, or am i just nothing special as a person? maybe the only thing special about me is being a petty little bitch. maybe im blaming it on "spending too much money" on people when its actually im just not enough to begin with? would people like my person better if i spent more? is it even that related? could i never lose a lover again if i just kept buying and buying and hoping and begging for them to not leave me when i have nothing left? am i petty? yes, im petty. am i a "rich," pompous spoiled bitch? yes, most likely. is that my problem? all i ever stress about is money? i dont know what to do anymore. would he have stayed longer if id done more? if i spent more? am i saying everyone ive ever loved only loved me for what i bought them? no, absolutely not. does even considering that make me even worse? who would love me if i didnt have money? who would still love my personality other than being a spoiled asshole bratty fuck? am i really more than that?
i believe at this point, all there is is how i am so disgustingly utterly terrified of love over the thought of the inevitable loss of them in the end, so in attempts to keep a relationship going, even while hurtingly afraid of true interaction, my pathetic self can do nothing but buy and buy and buy in hopes thatll keep them even if i cant even muster up "courage" to talk to my own partner. thats pathetic. and if youre reading this, then you agree. there is no one else reading this. i am the only imbecile remaining here in hope that someone somewhere somehow will give a shred of a fuck. what would i do now? what, go and buy bots to crawl my rentry "blog" so i can feel less lonely? yes. yes, i would. i would if i could. because im delusional. because i am still so pathetic. because i believe that even if none of the "views" on some view counter are real, it would somehow "inspire" someone, make them think people.
im tired. im tired of the same cycle. i wish, for some next "love," theyd just be honest and tell me exactly what they want and where I'll buy it, instead of forcing me to realize on my own that it was again apart of the cycle, the repetitive "believing" that this time will be different. i want love. i want the possibility to have nothing and not purchase anything to still be wanted. i want the concept. i want to start over and wait to learn if i am truly a loveable creature or not, receipt or no receipt. and being corny as shit or not. i hate what i am. i hate where i am. i loved where i was. let me go back to being self absorbed and focusing on a relaxing $5000 trip to the bahamas and watching the seasickening waves out my window and ordering unlimited steaks for each and every dinnertime. "giving in to myself" and not being afraid when to stop or go for others or anything else. because for once, i'll recognize when somebody will be satisfied. when i am "satisfied." fucking narcissist.
and even when i satisfy myself for a moment, that whole entire time i was still imagining another love of mine that id take there and dance with, dine with, cuddle with, swim in the beach with, who the hell knows, maybe even gamble with??
to awe with.
to hold their hand, to whisper to them, "oh, my love, it's almost as beautiful as you. its majestic, its perfect; its for us, for me, and for the most divine, beloved, [beautiful/handsome] [girl/boy] of my heart."
"i truly hope you know how much i love you, my dear." id kiss them on their forehead, and then rub my finger over their cheek. "my sweetheart, you really are the best. god, you really are perfect;" and id say it with a giggle, too. this sounds like some c.ai type bullshit. whatever. this is just the scenarios i was thinking of while i was standing there over the railing of the high decks. "look down there.. jeez, theyre talented 😠well, whatever you're in the mood for, you know im down. i really am grateful you came here, you know;" then id probably start sobbing "i love you so much, [name.],"
we'd sit together and laugh amongst eachother during the show at the inspiration dining deck. we could sit in a comfy, fancy booth at the comedy show and get awesome drinks (mine would be virgin though. alcohol tastes like pee). we'd listen to the live music, whichever we wanted, since there was always different things in every main section of each deck. we might pull up to the gay bar just for the laughs ðŸ˜
maybe we'd bigback together at the buffets, get the unlimited selfserve icecream cones and machines, karen out for eachother after not getting whipped cream on our milkshake 💔😠that they give to a lot of the other people but if not us itd be because im annoying and together we're homos.
god this entry was stupid. at the beginning im on about hating having to buy people's love, and now im describing all the things we could do after i bought someone's love. this is going nowhere
orr maybe thats the problem is that i buy too much and people just get sick of it. i try too hard to the point where its genuinely annoying and theyre tired of me bombing them with gifts and "surprises" and shit every other week. im trapping myself in my own cycle.
or maybe i really need to stop writing this while im ahead, put it down, and realize that the real problem is naturally just who i am.
i am unlovable.