theres something i really wanna vent about but i already know its gonna sound dumb as shit or just a joke idk where im going with this i just feel awful
what the heck ill just vent about it even if ts corny asl
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bro o setiously cant believe theyre just ending thsi shit yeah sorry this whole vent is about a fucking tv show but hopwfully itll be long enough to make no one want to read it
i fucking loved this show like seriously i loved it and now theyre ending it all ending it like THAT like NO bitch hulu do you NOT have the right to takd ghis away from us
well not only have i been crying about ts show, i remembered and thought "hulu, i ALWAYS said i was grateful for you!!!" which is a reference to when i was in longterm/residential. wed have "gratefuls' every meal and say 3 things what we were grateful for and my first was always hulu because i love this show but then i got flashbacks and like oh fuck gratefuls what the fuck even happened
and hell now im getting even more i dont even know where i am was that shit real was any of it real am i delusional was i gone for 4 months or making this up why am i crying when i was only gone for 4 months so many people have been there more than twice as long like EVERYONE ive met that says theyve gone to res. i need to stop being a baby and suck my shit up because first a show and now its making me get flasbbacks in the stupidest way physically possible i have never met somwone as dumb
and oh god i remember it all and before it the ward oj god all the times i loved it i hate it i miss it every day i think of it. i want to go back i wish i could the only reason i havent been there in over a year at all is because of the hella expensive shit and fuck now were on another matter the time its been over a damn year terry shut the hell up and lock in its been OVER A YEAR that was 2024. why am i still moping about this it was so long ago its not like i went to war or something theres no reason for me to be such a fucking baby
i dint know i wonder if im remembered because everyone loved me i wonder if anyone thinks of me like im stuck thinking of them because someoneeee cant get over the past and is stuck on one insignificant thing like a child or some shit
my "trauma" was barely anything compared to other peoples why am i even calling it "trauma" when that shit was really not that bad why am i getting "flashbacks" if it didnt matter why do i talk about my "ptsd" as if anything fucking mattered that much im stupid that whole year was stupid
what did we read
what do i remember
medpass oh hell medpass i dont want to think about it i cant remember how it felt the cushions or tthe bed or the nasty tap water i dont know anymore oh god i cant even rememebr that much of it yet i still remember it so vividly how was this real was thia real i wish i was just making this up i wish i didnt have lame ass ptsd over jsut a few months of being "locked up" in another state far away with no outside contact in a tiny tiny building and we werent even allowed to talk or say we missed our families because to them "it was distracting us and we needed to focus on treatment" i couldnt focus on treatment oh god my mother and my father and i dont even know was this real i cant even look at clothes in my closet without remembering my mom bought them for me at residential
it must have been real ot must have but why
why are my initials still labeled on eveey item of clothing that was brought there like that to not get confused or lost or what the fuck ever
whyd they keep so many tabs on us i mean i understand why but i dont know
look at this pathetic fucking bullshit. we went from crying over an ending tv show to stupid ass insignificant residential "trauma" bullshit. of course ive always switched topics so fast like this im making my own problem at this point
i dont know what to do i cannot stop thinking about it
thinking abour the show makes me think about the ward and thinking about the ward makes me think about the show and hell the show is ending for good
is it really that deep why do i always whine over such little shit
i wish i wouldnt
or i wish i had someone to whine about the same shit with me or something
and see yet again weve jumped topics now to some "sad romance life"!! yay like 4th topic in one vent or something!!! but it all goes together i dont know why i cant just say it because i know every word but id feel so stupid to say those words because i already know theyd sound even stupid-er
this vent was originally written on discord 💀 but i already said there id shut the hell up so ill only continue here
im not gonna get into the other things up there that were acrually about my ex that luckily sound very unrelated id say
but now im remembering even more shit
and who was there for me? who wasnt? why was i petty? why did i think the world cared for my absence? why did i think he cared? out of everyone. he always seemed to be "popular" or just have lots of friends they feel like almosg the same thing because either way everyone knew him and stuff idek
and why would i think someone with so many more close people than me would give a shit about one little person giving em a break for a few months? why? why would i think they would? i dont matter that much i never did even with me gone everyone i knew still had like idk at least 8 other people to completely make up for it and for him maybe like closer to 18 or something i dunno
i dont know why i ever thought i meant that much to him or to anyone
what the hell am i talking about i need to focus about my current life, oh yeah i forget if i ever even wrote about it but my crush a few weeks ago asked me to the movies and we witnessed shirtless markiplier together and it was reallt funny, i think pluh might be MAYBE a little fw me or something who gaf bou no grammar yo 💔
but even with that im still scared of a relationship
now that i think about it i dont want to ruin any more friendships or idk anything
i hate to say it but i kinda hope we never get into a serious relationship idk i said im terrified of them
and i think it would be even worse for them because idk like.,, well ex had a lot more friends and everybody, so i already fully knew it wouldnt mean that much to him if we ever fell apart, i knew he had countless other options and that i was nothing special. but with my new crush, it feels different, like he feels closer i guess, because i know he has also not many friends also cus yeah its a big school but still. it feels like i know it would actually mean something to him. and for someone who really truly cares a lot, id really feel worse knowing that i just fucked up quite a big part of their school life or year or idk
it was different with my ex because i loved him so much and so deeply even though i knew it meant nothing, again he had a lot more people to look forward to. i was there, but i was never there. yknow?
i mean it was always easy to tell i guess. we only kissed like, what, once or twice in the whole relationship? he never really hung out with me like at dances or idk a lot of things
when i wanted to be "part of his world" he already had enough, i always wanted to talk to him which now i understand is my fault for being much too clingy, but it still hurt, just walking behind him and his line of friends every single day hoping that one day hed turn around and care. but again its me that was too clingy, its not my job to force someone to "like me more," its their choice, even if i try.
and it feels like sometimes trying is just useless.
hell ive been rotting in bed all day. its 7 and i woke up at like 9. i havent gotten out of bed for anything at all and i doubt ill even wver take either my day meds or night meds or eat or whatever do anything uhh or whatever
yeah i think ill just stay here
oh n8ow im back to thinking about the show
i really wish we got a little more man
i cant believe this is the final end and that was really the last ever episode
im so exhausted typing and keep thinking about this
i want someone to call idk someone to talk to cry to
im overreacting knowing damn well 😭 i have plenty of people to talk to but it still feels like no one cares that much have i EVER been the one to not interact first 😭
maybe ill just fall asleep right here and now
id like to slumber and forget about all this
even knowing theres school tomorrow
still scared of what i talked about last entry
idk
i highk wish i was a guy so id just have stupid guy friends to distract me with stupid guy stuff
and for some reason i just realized instead of overthinking i could have forgotten bout all ts and scrolled reels bro 😭😭😭
anyway
like yk how i was just talking about bedrotting 💔 my mom literally just came up to say shes worried about me and wants me to eat and be okay man i love you mom my mom so peak even though i get reallt scared of her a lot shes still sweeter than she was somwtimes before she like went from really sweet and loving and trying, to "fml i give up i beat my children with a ruler and break their things" to "i still love them less than i used to but i still love them and they matter a lot to me as my family that uh really means everything to me and like are everything"
crazy how things work out huh
well now while im writing i just unnoticingly rolled over once more on my side back into a really comfy position so now i wanna get up even less 💔
she says i might be depressed
cus we changed my meds or simething
i tell her fuh naw but i guess maybe 🥀 but hey, at least i learned (the hard way) not to try any heh funny business
im still a LOT less mentally ill than i used to be , i will tryly forever be more than thankful for getting kicked out of that school i love people again and im able to love myself and stop hurting myself or others, seeing my progress has really moved me, a lot i think about the person i was and feel disgusting , but i love seeing and knowing ive changed as a person. and i realized long ago that by trying, i can stay this way, maybe even better.
i think thats a good line to end this note.
and fuck that made me think of the show because i read the above sentence in my kins voice because i know its something he would say aw gell nuah MOVE IT BUDDY