it is impossible to love someone who makes it obvious that they were growing apart first.
well no thats dumb for some reason i still did
idk
still hate c and c (why's it always the c names
)
bluh. this has been a thought for quite a while now that i keep on and keep on thinking of but whenever i pull out muy diary/blog i forget it
well yeah im mostly locked in n over it by now but i kinda "miss" some of my old fav bands
thats not really anyones fault but mine ill admit, but it does sorta hurt seeing just 2 people ruin my two favs that i used to listen to daily
earlier in 3rd prd (im now in 4th) i thought "hey its not terrible brah i still got dazey and the scouts!" no i dont dum dum cus i lowkey listened to it ONCE at residential!!!! you stupid little boy!!!!
in 5th prd now ,,, i did shitty on my science test because for 80% of the class i was dissociating and getting goofy uzz flashbacks and shit
kinda better now
but im feeling corny so you best believe im still gonna "vent"
i remember it. i remember it. the geese i remember the geese i remember the paper towels actually kinda funny i guess some fond memories util they're not fond because i remember i couldn't stop myself from having any real emotions in a place where we weren't allowed to be conscious actually uh well we had quite a large paper towel shortage lmao because when we went to wash our hands i would always take COUNTLESS paper towels ... theyd always blame me but in a joking way. i remember more. group. the groups was it real? no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no was i there? can i go back can you please let me go back please no no no no never never go back never please oh god no what even happened was i in the hospital why why was this real please i dont know
every day every night ill ask ill ask them all i say to my mother and sometimes my sibling i ask them over and over i ask them if it was real i ask them "was i at residential? how long? where? when?" and theyll assure me as much as i ask and tell me it was all real my mind isn't playing tricks on me but idont know how can i trust this how how how theyre my family they know i trust my mother first but theyre my family what if theyre making this all up together or something i dont know they were the only rreal witnesses if that makes sense even if i told my story who would believe me? even those who noticed my months of being gone, what if they didn't believe, or thought it was nothing but a joke? that i was a joke? nothing. nothing but a fool.
but my family wasn't the only who saw. were they? i saw myself.
the only person who really "witnessed." outside my family. i dont know. i cant even ask, because one thatd be a stupid weird thing to ask. especially because they hate me now so either way all i really got is my family. or i guess they didn't actually because i think all my stuff and stuff never even went through or idk
but theyd be the only person outside my family i ever talked to. or,, tried. to talk to. why did i do that? why did i put so much trust in them? am i that gullible? gullible isn't the right word. i dont know what is. close enough.
ok, but really. that really was a hella stupid thing i did. maybe i was clearly putting too much pressure. maybe i shouldn't have let that be my only reason to lock in. maybe i should have just put my family first like a normal fucking person before going "nou NEVA ouuu we lov sou much we wih NEVER brea up he love me frfr on mylife" "he lub me froeva he the ONE" insert the time ticking rabbit meme. i always loved to saythat and tell my friends i really trusted him but clearly idk maybe its time for me to just stop getting so much hope during one single relationship