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spent 2 days writing out a two page apology because i knew he wouldn't apologize first (i got blocked
)
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1ST-4TH PRD
im in school now that was from like midnight last night
thought about stuff a little more
im not sure
part of me was telling myself,
"isn't that also good in a way?"
i wanted to "make peace and heal" and all that, and by the time i was okay to i was unable to. at first it felt unnerving ,, but like
isn't it a "lesson" in a way? like, acceptance. accepting that, either way, sent or not, would it have really mattered to him?
i realized, in the long run, answer would probably be "no."
i sort of feel like as much as it felt shitty because i spent 2 days on all that, i still ,,, "learned something?" idk.
part of me still wishes i got the chance to send it, which i planned to do yesterday (crazy timing ahh) but idk maybe its just "what the universe had planned for me" type shit or sum, like me going to this new school yknow?
idk. i have a lot of mixed opinions. i told my gngstra bout it a lil last night
yeah maybe its good
he wouldn't have cared either way, would he? and even if i DID send it i can picture him laughing his ass off and showing it to all my other ex friends
and im not tryna get humiliated more than i already have been
so maybe ill just leave it.
maybe its okay that he'll never apologize. i cannot control what other people do. (damn ts beginning to remind me of some shit)
although it felt like shit, that corny ass "apology" would have probably pissed him off either way. (or just made him laugh lwkirkenuinely proly)
I've been thinking and i still can't even decide what to do with that thing,, like do i let it rot in the back of my notes app or do i just delete it and get it over with?
i clearly will not be really using it any time soon
"oh, but it spent me so long and stuff," yeah, that's how things turned out, sab. if i can't use it for anything at all anymore, then what would even be the use in having it there in my storage?
it's okay to let go, i guess. if i know it'll never be opened again, then idk yeah im going in a loop
though i remember lots of other times i was in a similar-ish situation where i thought id never look at something again and then eventually wish i didn't deleted it because lwk wanted to see it again
so yeah not sure at this point
idk
this is really just a loop of corny shit
still good to get your shit out
i dunno , ll think about it some more
good part of me wanna delete ts (this) shit (shit)
oh and if E is hypothetically reading ts (this) for some reason GET OFF FOOL this is NOT for YOU 
i target this message to E because it is my one irl friend who knows about my diary but if youre an online friend you already know ive always been corny like that
idek why i write so much just to PRAY and BEG that no one reads it
but i do like to keep track of my life
lets move on to the better things ..
ive been hoping to get my cruise entries from my notes and finally put em on my blog in their own separate section,, been lazy if you couldn't tell
after i do that, ill hopefully get on some other parts of this site i needa fix ,, other than that i guess other than uhh stuff above and below in da note app
i'm not terrible
i'll live adapt and overcome (i dont remember if i got that from outpatient or res)
i think ive already said this but haven't had a seizure all nonthl...
so my mom is hopefully finally gon let me drive SKRRRT a littleee bit
one month no seizure challenge my ass WIN
she on sum "dont jinx it" but bla bla blablleh bleh bleh bla bla bluuuouu lingang theres ONE day left of February im not bouta jinx NUN
febs the shortest month i am LOCKED AND LOADED
i wonder how many people (outside of family) actually care when i have a seizure
like wonder if im okay
i would say hope i didn't die but i dont think anyone would go that far for me
my friends are probably used to my shit by now
even online friends i used to know irl
i lwkenuinely do really wonder who would hear i had a seizure and then feel sympathy or pity or fear or idk anything other than "dammmnn pluhh ts sorry cuh danngggg thas no gudd anyway hop on"
for some reason i feel kinda bad saying that because yeah its NOT their problem
but i just wonder sometimes
how many people genuinely fear for me
and pray that i survive
my death rate goin up twin
every seizure makes you more likely to have a sudden death, even excluding the chance of your death WHILE having a seizure (choking and shit)
my friends would probably mourn i know
but would anyone really cry
like i wonder how many people would attend the funeral or like wanted to see my ashes or something
im disgustingly scared of death
but at this point i wouldn't even be surprised if i had a young death
thered be lots of things id wish i had done
that dont matter now and are already too late either way
but, yeah
he h.... ppress F in the chat if you lwk would attend th funeral..!!!! type shit
sorry thats quite insensitive
im just trying to "cope" (lock in) knowing my chance of death for my age higher than most
hmmm
if somebody told me they genuinely cared i would kiss them highkey but not if its like my friend like E bro you have a huzz
ion think anyone else in my friends do
and i mean kissy kissy as a JOKE probably not unless thy aha yearn
ok im getting ahead of myself no one gives dat muh of a darn
its time to lock in. i get to go GAMBLING tomorrow!!! at least 8 people would cry if i died blah blah blah i got this adapt and overcome the apology thing doesn't matter i will let go because he doesn't care therefore i shouldn't care and ummm i think therefore i am or something ok bye bell just rung!!!!!
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AFTERSCHOOLㅤ
been thinking a little more i guess
gonna get some mroe corny "feelings" out thatve been on my mind
he said he didnt cheat and god knows i want to believe him but
the fucking dance
i remember it VERY well. him and his ex.
maybe they were just talking really close or something either way he was happier spending time with them than me which ive always realized
kept thinking about another thing he always said "oh the reason i keep talking to them is because i was still coping"
i dont even need a confirmation if he "was coping without them" still far after they broke up
and then broke up w me and does nothing but decide to talk to all my other friends 😭
its probably what hes attempting to do and the ragebait is working
my bsf talks about crazy shi every day
was it always just his plan to make me feel inferior to absolutely everyone else
first his ex and after that when we were dating then still had more interest in other girls and after that focused on all of my year long friends
maybe
though thatd be a bit stupid because i dont think anyone would be trying THAT hard just to ruin someones life 😭 guess you never know
kinda feels like it
ause no matter how hard i tried it felt like i was shoved down with him and everybody else he always put before me
yeah we getting a little dumb
random but i really wonder how blood types work because my family has been talking about donating blood for like 30 minutes now 💔
yeah i dont know what else to say. theres always so much to be said, but no way to say it.