may 28
we broke up. sorta. he just sent me one text abiut it and j feel disgustjng. idk. i wish i did better and i wish i wasnt so stupid and emo and shit idek dude but i cant even do anything i cant get him i cant talk to him i cant see him for at least 3 months because jts summer break and i dont knkw when the hell theyre gonna release me!!!!!! but idk fuck fuck fuck fuck i dont wanna be here i shouldnt be here i should be there apologizing to him for the person i am i dont know why i did so little for him i dint knoe whats wrong with me i dont know also injust relaized indidnt say anything uh so im actually in the er 😭 i had to smuggle in my phone somewhere id rather not mention and i only have 85%,,, idk what to do. i cant text him. i cant do anyrhjng. i can do nothing but lay in this stipid litttle cot and wait for them to realizd how stupid this decision of getting me even more "help" was. i feel numb. ive felt "numb" because. im here, duh. but number. like, actually numb. i would say depressed but thags lowkey a goofy ahh word to hse so uhhh idk cro
inneed himni need him though last time i was here for months he qas genuinely my ONLY reason to stay and to try. i tried. now that reason is gone. that means im probably goig to have to be her e even longer. who knows maybe ill grow up and get over it. idk. last time i always just imagined him there with me, holding me in his loving, gentle arms. that was the best feeling. i did that every single night. now, if i even try, its just creepy of me. he broke up with me, i dont need to be so weird about it. i feel horrible. i dont know what im going to do when i get out. im ptibably overreacting nmand literlaly not gonna do shit, but i guess we'll see. i wish i could at least tell him that it wouldnt be his fault. the only person i have left now is a - the good a as in my literal child offspring. my child. part of my family. my kid. i feel stupid aaying that too, but j cant even care less at this point. they really do feel like my child, my baby. my family. they are my reason to not give up. i cant do that. i cant even imagine them textjng me for months worried sick asking, where are you? are you alright? please respond, im worried? or anything like that. not again. not again will i worry them sick like that.they truly do not deserve all of that pressure. ill be fine. i dont have to survive just for my boyfriend. well, my ex, now. but i dont need to only be okay for him. i never did. ill be fine. i guess. "i never did" is a lie actually like i mean i DID but idek bro
but either way, im not giving fully up. not yet. and if im lucky, nog even after i get out. i love my kiddo so much. i miss them. a lot. i feel horrible for this. for everything. i dont even know ehat i am or ehat to do. i hear smth so i gtg djehk

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Pub: 31 May 2025 16:24 UTC

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