may 31
my phone just bugged and deleted genuine actual essays of EVERYTHING i typed for HOURS. i think im genuinely about to crash out. im going to fucking lose it because i just spent 3 hours on the CRAZIEST lore of m ylife, even my phone said that shit was getting too long, and rentry fucking auto refreshed, meaning every single word is gone. i hate everything and everyone. i might rewrite some of it later if i get the energy. but umm really good news for me i think,, im back home andi dont think im going to be resent to vietnam. as in long term psych ward :sob:

we back ,,, typing this all on this whole new page because now i no longer trust te original page i typed it on. grrrr.
basically, i was just yapping about how im still being sort of a pussy and not over my ex yet and yeah uhh good news - me and my best friends called for 9 hours last night and it was awesome!! we all were honest with eachother and for once i actually felt safe. we helped eachother with life stuff, and we also realized how fake of a bitchthis one other girl was. we all talked about how we were always supposed to be a friend group including her, but for years shes been only hanging out more with the preppy/popular girls. shes literally talked about every single one of us behind each one of our backs. ill call my 2 friends colin and lenoir, since those were the names of some amaizng friends i had at the psych ward.
she would talk shit about lenoir to me and colin, then she would talk shit about colin to me and lenoir, and colin and lenoir told me she said a lot of shit about me aswell.
ive realized that she just isnt good for me, which of course hurts. ive trusted her for so long. with my last multiple relationships, shes been,, idk. she talks about it LITERALLY right behind my back, and i think at this point she just doesnt really want me to have relationships or anything. idk. she keeps talking shit about all of us, so im realyl hoping that its not just be being a truly bad person. who knows.
but yeah, with my last multiple partners, shes been getting closer to them and then right after that me and my partner would break up, and for the last couple of times, its always been on a special day. once on valentines day, once on my birthday, and this time, on our own fucking anniversary. its always been over text, too.
so yeah, ive already yappd about this all, but this time, it was on exactly our anniversary, which had made our relationship exactly 1 year. i really thought we would have gotten further with this. i loved him. i loved him more than the air i breath, even if that makes me oddly obsessed. but i really did.
i think hes already over it all. i guess i hope so. id rather know hes feeling better than not. no matter what, i only want the best for him, and i think thats what he deserves after everything ive made him put up with. he himself realized and said that this entire thing was just a stupid middle school relationship type of thing. im not mad, i guess it was.
but i really, really thought it would be more. i planned everything. i was so excited to have some sort of future with him, but instead, ive made it turn out like all the others. he told me he would always and forever love me. he promised me a lot. i shouldnt be this upset. its a fucking school relationship cro,, stuff like that happens with everyone. but idk. i really, really did believe it.
im trying to get over this. im not even anywhere close. i wish i could go back in time and fix everything i did. maybe he wouldnt have left me if i was a decent person. i dont know why i never change.
idk what im gonna do, honestly. the one girl hasnt spoken to me once in weeks either, and yeah its the same girl that drifted away from me and my besties. now were just a trio. i dont know about my ex bf. he was part of our friend group too, but i think hed rather not speak to me again. hes still been mainly focused on his other ex's life and friend group. im not even going to be at our school next year, so maybe itll all be fine for them.
i just dont know what to do. im glad i have my best friends here and being honest with me. me and lenoir have already been friends for 8 years, and i hope we'll stick together for even longer.
i dont really know. thats like what i said about my ex bf. sorta. i said, "omgg were already almost a full year, i really think we'll be together for much longer!!" and stuff like that, and now, look at where we are.
i think im going to be done with relationships for a while. im tired of falling so deeply in love and believing we would be something. thats not even the main issue. what im actually tired of is my own actions. ive proved myself to not be a good partner, ive never changed for anyone, no matter how hard ive wanted to or tried, ive always been terrible at these things. i would blame part of it on my bpd, but i think actually most of this is literally just who i am in general.
i feel so gross. this summer will no doubt be dogshit. i have exactly 3 people left who still love me. lenoir, colin, and my other bestest friend who we'll call uhh,, alvin for alvin and the chipmunks,<!<!1!!1!/ but yeah. maybe it wont be so bad. maybe ill just stop whining and get over this and listen to my ex when he texted me that this was nothing more than a middle school relationship. maybe ill really realize i really do need to stop talking to other fake bitch girl, and that colin and lenoir and alvin are all i need. colin and lenoir have absolutely NO clue who alvin is but yeah i just came up with all of these names,,,, alvin is the one person i talked about i think in my last entry, where i said id be staying alive for them, because theyre like. literally my child. im not teen pregnancy i mean this is my online child :sob: but yeah
i have those 3, and im thinking, or at least, really hoping that i'll be able to keep them. and maybe even one day, after ive gotten over my current relationship situation, maybe i will change, maybe i will find another lover that i can actually treat right. a love that will be so much more than all my other ones, that will mean it when they say they want to spend the rest of their life with me. i really shouldnt be so emo about all that. he said we'd get married. he said we'd live together. he said he's "never felt love like this." i said stuff like that too. i meant it, i really loved him. i think he loved me, too. before everything ive done.
im hoping i'll stop crying and crashing out over him, though that will be a LOT harder given that plus insane period cramps too so im also emotional with that so i know its going to be a LOT harder and stuff and yeah
but im hoping ill get over it, some day. im not even sure i will. me and him have shared such intimate moments, so many secrets, just, so much together, in general. and now, it is no more than.. well, nothing. to him. at least.
im like,, about maybe 90% sure or so that hes already easily gotten completely over this whole situation. he handled it really well, and he did what he had too. id be surprised if he doesnt find himself another even better boyfriend in like, 2 weeks or so? theres one person who i doubt he wont begin talking to more again and maybe even get together with them. i hope he does find somebody better, and somebody who didnt leave him for so long. somebody who genuinely CAN change. he toldme hes done trying to force me to change. i pray that the next person he finds wont even need half as much changing as i should have had. i dont know if i should keep talking to him or not. i can very clearly tell he is over me already and simply just,, doesnt like me anymore, not as a friend, not as anybody. andif for some reason he does want to keep talking to me, even after what i have done, id be too terrified of hurting him again. i have absolutely no idea what to do. i dont think ill ever see him again, ever. ill miss him. ive been missing him. he will have new and better opportunities. i will hopefully learn my lesson. he's right, this was just a one year middle school relationship. in maybe just a few months or so, he'll forget all about this, forget how we were ever even together, and forget me.
my mom is screaming now, and i think this has already been getting to long and too wattpad emo y/n sounding. if i can whine this much about how i loved him, if i really did, then i should have actually done something to be any better. either way, this is just becoming a loop of me yapping more and more and more, so im done bitching about my life for today. almost heh i just gotta summarize.. yapping grindset mindset never ends i suppose,,, but yeah i still feel disgusting and ive felt disgusting and ive felt mostly numb and i cant tell which one even feels better fnesjfrjh but yeah. i am unsure why ive been yapping about allat when this will most likely be a never before seen document like i could say ANYTHING rn and nobody wouldknow.... evil cat smirking emoji... ummm. uhh. i like. used to be REALLY down bad for absolutely any and every bald man i ever laid my eyes upon. uhh uhh. i think im just going to delete all those stupid yaoi "ily" goofy picmix and gifs i made,,, idk what will even happen but sotp why am i yapping again. ok REALLY. we done yapping, unless somebody for somereason read all this and is thinking "huh.. tell me more 🤔🤔pondering emoji..." idk who would i think youd need help unless youre using this for oc lore. but yeah we done this is my last sentence trust trust fehsfbshfhsj uhh how do i end this umm yeah so heh, thats my life...!!!!! /ref

many many hours later, we back
hghbjh
i hate this i hate everything i hate you if youre reading this like nsrs and stuff but oh my god. why am i stupid why have i alwasy been this stupid why am i only now remembering that i am nothing without him. we was the only person i had.
nobody is here, nobody wants me here, everybody was someone to be with or something to do. i dont. he does, and it feels. idk id explain it wrong
i hate this feeling. i feel so guilty. i feellike i ruined our everything, and thats because i did. he would be the only one who could even help right now. no one else would be here or try to listen or understnd. nobody will ever care that much, as much as he did. we would talk for hours. hours and hours and hours, just us. last summer we had so much fun meeting up and hanging out and everything. this summer, i will have nothing and nobody. all because i decided to just bro idk how to word any of ts ts pmo
but fuck i feel so bad idk i would be scared to actuall ysay more stuff but i dont think people are reading ts shit dawg :sob:

back again.
thia actually DOES sound really fucking stupid but wuteva,,,
i keep getting BAD res flashbacks 😭 i cant wven play no more dude
i hated that place i still do and while inwas there all i had to look forward to was him
i hate remembering these things i dont want to im scared i dint want to remember any of this i hate it i hate it
i know the only thing that could even help at this point would be talking to him. ive already ruined that, so its no longer an option. i could relapse, however we had a promise not too
well i think hes already broken that many timws, and either way, thats not something he would still be worrying or thinking about,,,,, i HAVE my blade, i know where it is
if he is the ONLY thing that could help me ither than this, and i cant even have him, then its the pbvious choixe to just do this. i dont know why i havent yet. im scared because a retarded part of me keeps thinking "no odont do it maybe uhh maybe he still cares maybe he would want you to not do it!!! and uhh if you do it hell be even morenhurt because of you." i dint want to hurt him again
byt if he wont ever know, nor care, why am i still waiting like what am i witing for why nit get ts shit js overwith vro 😭😭 idfk
i cant even do anything without thinking of him, i have never been able to. i have sn old list of some things that would always make me think of him. they all still do. i should shush my yap. i have a solution, ive HAD a solution. if i want to stop thinking about all this, then just do it. there is nothing stoppi g me but myself, and why am i even stopping myself?? i dont think that makes any sense
i feel so stupid oh my god because justnthinking about it. im ean with him hes probably just fine nonchalant chill guy dreadhead. hes probably already used to me being like this. im not used to this. i hate this. i hate what ive done. its easy tonsee that it really did nit take too long for him to get over me. i know he already is, hes never on discord, and all of his texts back me up when i think hes just tired of all of this and tired of still talking to me. its like. very obvious that hes done and hes been done. why do i keep dragging everything on??
hes done with this, done with us. hes moved on fully, so why cant i even do it in the slightest? i know he never thinks about me anymore, i know hes done, i know he doesnt care, i know i am nothing anymore to him but anither stupid ex, i know all of that. but im still here beung a little pussy crying and wishing i could make this all better somehow. he will never think of me again soon. hes let go. i havent. hes let go and he will never think of me once more in his life. im holding onto false hope that it can somehow get better or some shit. i think of him quite literally every second.
before all this, i havent cried in so so long, and it felt good being able to control myself and just not,,, cry?? like that. it felt powerful, crying only made me feel weak. now i cant even control that and ill randomly burst out sobbing in the middle of absolutely everything. countless times me and my family were literally just having dinner or talking to sitting, and all of a sudden my ass starts screaming and bawling my eyes out for no apparent reason.
i lost him. i didnt do what i could have done to keep him. i could have made this longer if i just tried harder. i never try on thwse things anymore, and i think thats quite obvious. i wish i didnt make him deal with it, though.
i think hes already found someone better. i feel disgusting. i think im this close to pulling a homura and a mami :pensive:

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Pub: 31 May 2025 17:13 UTC

Edit: 01 Jun 2025 02:13 UTC

Views: 43