havent written in a while again ! but im back.
so, update, i was actually super slow but a while back i finally found out the truth - yes, he was cheating on me while i was hospitalized.
and yeah im gonna bitch about it because ???? idk like thats not nice i suppose
in the hospital. fucking hospitalized no contact with family or anybody but random nurses watching me shower and dress into new scrubs when the old lousy ones ripped apart again and again
away from everything i had ever known and loved, for 4 months. i ffeel icky saying that - there are a ton of people whove had to spend much longer, i cant really complain ?? idk, sometimes im like ,,,, "ueeahh sob sobb no one will ever love me or understand me like him" but idk im feeling better because lowkey been thinking about the amount of people to confessed to me at the psych ward .. i am a whole nother being there istg but yeah uh when i go there i pull i guess 🥀
uhh. my mom threatened to send me for 9 months. my ass had to get on the floor and beg /nsrs but yeah i begged to sleep in my own home and luckily she eventually agreed !!! it would be somewhat interesting if i like. didnt come to school until i just showed up like months later like umm what u guys mean i was here all alonggg !!!! thats sorta what i did last times hhh,,,, yeah idk
i still do just want somebdy to hold me, ive had like no actual contact with anybody for the past month and i hate it
my bsf doesnt have access to their discord and my irl bsf who does have discord is more focused on another person ithink. i shouldnt be jealous like idk i just feel erm
lonely... i am so loneelyyy.... i ahve nobodii... fforrawon muy ooowwwwooahhnnnn looownnlyy

i feel like i just dont really have much to keep going for?? not in the sense that i want to like. kay em ess. i dont want that at all but like idk,,,,,,,, i have no point to exist for anything or anyone anymore. the only way that i COULD is if i got readmitted and heh naturally make everybody love me at all them psych wards like ialways do ... but my old residential said if i EVER get readmitted to ANY psych ward, my ass will be sent all the way to indiana for, at the VERY least, 9 months. i dont really need it im not gonna do anything like save those resources for those who genuinely need them right now like i can like idk adapt and overcome or sum
but yeah idk
no dms no servers no events no people
im tired of just existing and i should get used to it because this is just how life is and all thatb ut idk gng i used to always be like oh hecks yes summer!!! summer!!! su!!!mer summer!!!break i lovee summer break no schoo!!l! but then i realize nah ts shit pmo
which is sorta stupid because um dawg i always get all sad around summer
so my ass will be fine once i see a real human being once again which is going tobe a long while ..
and oh my god this would be better like the main main issue i guess is my BODY. my boobs are too small, my gyatt is too flat, my stomach is too prominent its not even just a stomach bro its like a belly idk, my thighs are fatter yet my hips havent gotten any wider so what the flip, im hairy even when i shave every single day, i have way too much acne, jesus christ my fingers are getting FAT, my arms also used to be super duper slim and nice and everything and now it's just fat and shit and im upset because i know it was lowke my own fault after going into an episode
and not eating for days and rotting in my bed and then eating like a feast 2 weeks later when i gave up on tryingto kay em ess
yeah idk bros
and im not even really active anymore how will i actually ever burn or lose any of this weight ??? what workouts do i do that can genuinely WORK? i would go to the gym or something, but im not looking to build muscle, like literally i do not desire any muscle mass whatsoever im just on twitter too much so i need to be built like if edtwt + photoshop was a person 
COEMS COEMS COEMS.... this fucking song just came on i hate everything because why do ts songs still remuind me of him ts crazy ...
i need to move on but theres nothing i can do i dont have anybody else to talk to or see i dont have anything ive tried so hard to interact with people and get to do real stuff but i think ive reached a new low i think at this point people simply ,, have better things to do
im thinking of the one person thats really made my life worth living if youd phrase it like that but im scared and all stupid that i wont ever see them again for some reason.
SPOTIFY DNI SPOTIFY DNI I HATE SPOTIFY I HATE YOU SPOTIFY THIS SONG RIGHT AFTER THAT SONG KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KYS KAY WHY ESS
thats like all to spotify not you if anyone still reading ts 
well .. the other thing that made me happy was osu!. so i guess ill just play that for hours
i was SUPPOSED to finish animating this stupid fucking project before this trend died but i think it already has so i might just give up who knows animating doesnt even feel fun anymore