/bpdbipo

Hi! This url is very personal to me, and will be covering some sensitive topics including childhood trauma, disorders, manic episodes, etc! I ask if your someone very close to me, don't talk about this to me directly! This is a half apology for anyone who's ever had to deal with one of my episodes online they're extremely harmful to experience on both ends, and I've lost a lot of special people that were very dear to me because of these episodes. That's all I'd like to clear up, continue reading below ^_^ if you need an e2r, i have one! right here (click)

relate to this and just want a place to vent/talk to me? I have an ata! click here

being diagnosed with bipolar+bpd+other unlisted such as autism and adhd and moreee...... has put not only mine but my familys life through a bit of hell. Especially with all the different medication and therapists ive gone through :(( Ive been diagnosed with most of my disorders since I was around 3-10 days, to this day Im unsure if everything Ive got is really all Ive got since the healthcare system isnt too friendly to people like me It feels like a never-ending cycle of questioning. like, is this really ME or just layers of labels stitched together by people who barely knew me beyond a clipboard and a 45 minute session?? The medications feel like trial and error, like Im some kind of science experiment with side effects as the control group. and...... dont get me started on therapists some of them feel like they were just WAITING for the hour to be up. scribbling notes while I unraveled. and its just exhausting, not just for me but for my family too. watching them try to understand something that even I cant fully wrap my head around. Their frustration, the helplessness, the unspoken guilt that maybe they missed something or did something wrong that made me turn out like this. But its no ones fault, and thats something I really wish i could believe completely. my entire life hasnt been doom and gloom, but this aspect is just too complicated and messy in ways that textbooks cant prepare anyone for. AND YET......hhhere i am. still figuring it out. still waking up. still breathing. still existing despite it all. I dont have it all sorted, probably never will. survival counts for something, even on the days when thats all I can manage.

but even survival looks different depending on the day. sometimes. it means pushing through the weight of everything just to function. Other times. it means navigating the chaos of my own mind. trying to keep up with thoughts that race too fast for me to control. manic episodes have a way of flipping everything upside down one moment. i feel invincible. unstoppable. like i can do anything. and then before i even realize it. ive burned myself out. left to pick up the pieces of whatever shitty damage i did along the way. survival is nice, but its also about navigating the highs that dont feel like highs until theyve fucked up EVERYTHING in their path. thats the thing about episodes, they trick you , they feel like clarity and purpose, like youve finally outrun the things youve tried so hard to get away from, but really, its just another lightening storm. just disguised differently. manic episodes have shaped my life in ways im still trying to untangle, leaving behind a trail of impulsive decisions, fractured relationships, and memories that dont even feel like mine. its exhausting, not just the crash afterward but the way it rewires how people see me, and how i see myself.