hi he shall who remain unnamed for my sliver of anonymity right now. This is the url

haiiwiwiw.. i enjoy writing a lot. but i don't write physically often, i only do that when i'm likee. on the verge of dying. and need to cope. so i vent on a stack of papers i keep on my desk. its pretty thick now, as i've been collecting them for a good 3 years now. i like to reflect on my problems as well, and theres usually new ones each month. let me go pick a random page now and talk about what was going on during that period of time

Alright! What a strong start. This is a draft of suicide letters to about 10 different people. Let me pick a different page.

this one isnt dated, but i'd assume it was from.. around march of 2022. its littered in little doodles.
1 tree, 5 sets of stars, a drawing of saturn, a scaley fish, 5 flowers, lips, 3 hearts. theres also the lyrics "i'm not weird, ur just a faggot, shame on him" written (goblin by tyler the creator was on looooppp during this month lol)

the first paragraph on this one isnt necessarily venty. i start by mentioning things i could do to waste time, using photography, writing, editing, etc. i was definitely writing in a style thats very..? unlike my own. my sentence goes: "...like writing, or drawing, or editing, or photography, or gardening, or perfumery. something like that." which isn't something i think i've ever said- the overuse of the word "or" has always bothered me. it just feels weird to read myself writing like that i guess

the second paragraph mentions me having 'thoughts'. i was not yet diagnosed with anything at this point, and really had no clue of what was going on in my mind in the slightest. i'd always had this strong strong sinking emotion that gave me so much anxiety i'd become nauseous to the point of being unable to eat, never feeling any sort of comfort or peace in my own mind (which i later found out was.. depression.. Wow). and since i didn't know what this was, i'd always referred to them simply as 'thoughts' or 'bad feelings', because..? thats what they were. thats what they were
i mention wanting to talk to my boyfriend at the time about my thoughts, but i never felt like i was able to. he'd always complain about how he had too many people venting to him, pushing their problems onto him and whatnot. so i never mentioned anything.
i did though talk to my best friend about them, more often than i would've liked to. i felt bad for dumping everything onto her so often. and as much as i tried to stop, i couldnt. she was the only person i'd trusted not to judge me and i was feeling far too much to hold everything in, especially when she made it clear she was there for me. it was always obvious she was just letting me talk to let me talk, and i will forever appreciate her for that because. i truly do not think i wouldve made it thru 2022 without her man

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Pub: 18 Feb 2022 00:53 UTC
Edit: 19 Feb 2025 20:16 UTC
Views: 265