for my centimillimental breakdowns satou mafuyu, he/him　　　　　　　　　　　see this as my diary‎‎ 　　　　　　　　　　　　　 　 　 　 　　　　 ‎
day 01　:　it's 3am. i keep seeing him and thinking of him, the more i play the guitar the more it hurts but i want to do it for him. putting my feelings into text, huh... i said that but in practice it's so hard, im... listening to boa right now actually. idk, mood swings i think. hah, who cares. ‎ 　　　 ‎

day 02　:　7pm, i spent yesterday crying about him, isn't it pathetic? i couldn't pick up the guitar because the rain made the pain flare up, it wasn't unbearable but i felt like crap anyway... i dreamt about him, i heard him sing, i miss him. i know i shouldn't but i do, being a "fictive" is so taxing, why do i have such vivid memories and feelings for him... why can't i express myself? i wish i had any security in myself but i can only see myself with him. and without him i feel like i'm dying... despite that, i want to learn, i want to express myself, i want to try... is it... selfish?

day 03　:　i keep forgetting to both come to front and update my diary... i haven't picked up the guitar yet but i'll probably do so as soon as i'm finished writing this, here's some things that happened though... 1. accidentally got medically recognized with npd, 2. picked up a very bad habit because of someone 3. mixed powdered chocolate with coffee and it's surprisingly good. i really like singing but whenever i or we put out our feelings into a song it's like i need at least a week break minimum, maybe my brain can't deal with the heaviness, but afterwards it's surprisingly freeing. about yuki... sometimes i imagine his voice, and his touch, which isn't too unusual since we're prone to dissociation and daydreaming, but for me it's weirdly specific... well, i'm just happy he can live on inside me. am i imagining it or are entries getting longer?

day 04　:　2am... the rain continued and i think i keep spiraling because of it, i couldn't pick up the guitar today, but yesterday my sound was relatively clear and now i know how to hold the strings, it's a bit hard to understand where my fingers go because my hands are so small but other than the pain i'm having fun. we've been taking a break from games but i feel like without it i never have what to do, i can't practice the acoustic guitar for long because my "delicate princess fingers" can't keep up haha, i keep skipping meals and when i eat i'm met with scoff and scowls, i think my family might hate me, but still, i'm most happy when i sing, maybe i should take some free vocal lessons along with guitar so i can get closer to my dream... i don't have anything to add from the top of my head so, good night...

day 05　:　hello! it's been a while, "i"'ve been going through it irl, but right now it's mostly fine, i have news so listen a little! 1. my grandma broke the mi string on the guitar so i've been waiting for replacement, 2. i forgot to say but i FINALLY own /marutsuke and honestly i should decor it soon now that im in front, 3. i feel like im slowly, very slowly moving on from yuki, i still love him and god i miss him, but mixing up source memories with the body's own could be... dangerous...? to say the least. i've been taking it easy, singing and seeing our host draw, i hate to say it but i do have the "la la la" habit haha. maybe once i'm better at guitar i could form a band... mhm, that's my goal!

day 06　:　2pm, christmas is here, i didn't go to any fancy parties or get many extravagant gifts, but it was fun. everyone came to front and i got to meet people, we had an internal party rather than an external one and it wasn't bad, i got to sing for people, and watch others singing, i sang kizuato again by the way! i was fun... though it's still christmas, i plan on going out at night to a nice walk around my neighbourhood, enjoying the last moments of christmas. oh true, about the guitar string, it's been replaced but i accidentally poked my eye while handling it, nothing too serious and it's been healing on its own so i didn't need to go to the doctor's. oh, let me tell you something... i don't think having source memories is all too bad these days, im healing from the loss slowly, but at the same time, i'm also able to do things the host normally wouldn't: leaving the house alone, talking to people, singing practice... so i thought "ah, i shouldn't shun on myself so much for having memories that aren't the body's, because they make me help the body in my own way." hehe, it's nothing too grand. merry christmas, i hope everyone has happy holidays, and that you'll be happy for the new year to come. oh, i wanted to do this before but it always escaped my mind: im listening to totte by centimillimental.

day 07　:　7pm, my headphones broke. i've been managing without them, but coming back to wired buds is making me feel old again... i've been playing and having fun, though it's way too hot to go out and have fun, haha. i didn't do much today, we kept finding opportunities to practice leaving home alone and it went so well i think i should just... help out more, not that only i can go out, but if i can keep helping that means the body might adopt it as it's own, no? i said this before but this heat is genuinely gonna make me faint... well not if i don't stand in the sun for too long. hope you'll excuse the short entry for today, there's not much to really say, it's good though... i like ordinary days best. oh, true, listening to yorugaakeru by centimillimental, live collab version.

day 08　:　5am, almost 6, i just killed a mosquito with my bare hands but that's not what i'm here for. i think i'm losing the motivation to play the guitar, no, that's not it. i still absolutely want to do it but it feels like the dream is getting further and further away, i don't want it to disappear... hah. well, some updates though, i think i'm healing. i don't get the urge to cry when i hear his name or see him, even though my chest still gets tight, i feel like it's improving... i don't think i'll ever move on. i can try to... i think. i'm sleep deprived a little, someone broke our sleep schedule and now everything is in shambles, haha. but good news, i've acquired /umihe and k'm very excited to decorate it. i want to make it solely yuki, just... him... hah, i don't think i moved on at all, now that i think about it. i miss him, but... it's when i rambled like that that i realized "oh, i didn't move on" and i don't know if it hurts or just tires me, i'll be fine. i guess i need more time for self discovery, huh...

day 09　:　8pm... it's been a while hasn't it? i haven't been in front too much so that makes things complicated, i'll probably be in front tomorrow to take care of an outing, i still have rentries to do and maybe try to draw myself? i've seen others do it, but i myself don't really see the fun... well, can only try. i'll take a shower and pick up the guitar today too, i want today to be a good day. oh, about yuki... i think i'm still affected by him, but that's not entirely a bad thing, suppressing my feelings just because they don't align with the body won't make it magically go away, so i think i'll work on it in a different way, unsure how, but i'll try. today i'm listening to uragawanosonzai by centimillimental.

day 10　:　it's been an awfully long time right? it's 2pm, almost 3. i'm writing this half excited half annoyed. things have been a little chaotic so i can't do much physically, writing helps in these cases. i'm thinking of picking a specific day and time to be in front. the other three hog all the time i have because they're much louder and, well i don't care all that much so i end up being pushed back. though it seems the consensus became that i handle going out, weirdly enough. i'm not complaining, i like going out. about the guitar... i think i'm gonna pause on learning it until i find someone to teach it, i thought my grandma would help me but i was wrong, she doesn't really help me that much other than saying "this is nice" "this is bad" without actually giving input haha, i might learn some music theory though, mostly in theory than in practice. i have a headache so i'll leave this entry here. oh true: ainoshoumei by centimillimental.

day 11　:　i obtained more urls, dreadfully... ugh, i'm starting to sound like fuyu, this is bad influencing. it's half past 9pm and i, no, we just finished listening to the entirety of the 36 questions musical podcast, it was a ride. it kept reminding me of yuki in the worst way possible while host kept projecting himself into natalie. honestly horrendous experience 10/10 would do it again... now i'm starting to sound like host... oh, i tried to make a carrd, it isn't fancy but it's fun. i'll probably remake it earlier so it suits me better, but green is not bad at all... either way, covering for host has been fun, even though i wanna go out more rather than make rentries. maybe i should... ah no nevermind we're tight for money. i wonder if there's part-time gigs near the house... well i don't have any more ideas of what to write so... i end this by saying i'm listening to hanashinotsuzuki by centimillimental.

day 12　:　it's my birthday. i never celebrated my birthday but host insisted, so this is technically my first. he made me a drawing and even asked what i want, i honestly wanted to ask for a guitar but i think that'd be complicated while sharing a body, haha. i was reminded of him and ended up crying a lot but... i feel excited... is this normal? i don't know if i should look forward to it or not. i'm a bit afraid of being betrayed by expectations so i don't want to place too much importance on my birthday... but... i'm happy that today's start was so filled with emotion, i'm not good at expressing it but i'm happy. like someone is holding my heart tight, but more in a warm hug sense, it's hard to explain. i wonder if i can go out today... no, i'm going out today, it's decided. because i won't forget today, it's decided. yuigon by centimillimental.

day 13　:　i've been on the sidelines a lot these days, maybe because there's not much to do, until we get a job it's been both dangerous and pointless to go out, so i can't really help out. at least the other three are having fun. i've been sleeping a lot and listening to centimillimental whenever i'm bored, i still want to meet more cenmilli fans but i don't think there's much hope there haha. hah... it's boring... very fuckin' boring, there's nothing i can do and nothing others can do for me, am i selfish for wanting to be useful? i don't... really know what to do, i'm tired of being belittled by my family but... there's not much hope there either. i think i'll just stay in the sidelines until the day i die... good night diary dwellers... does anyone even read this? haha...

day 14　:　it's been a while, hello. it's currently 1pm, i've been... better? these days, they've been fun. i've been going out more, once a week even, all by myself, to explore and do what i want, on a limited budget, but still. i've visited the local library, but host is dead set on visiting a bookstore next, something about "owning" books. which... i don't really care about. i saw a music store on the way to the library though, we wore the wrong shoes so we were absolutely wiped, but... i saw it... i saw yuki's guitar, right in front of the glass... it was the biggest sign from the universe i could ever receive that told me "look, what you did wasn't meaningless"... at least for me... haha. hm... i've gotten /kizuato! that's true, though i put a dni list on there, i don't really care about those things, i don't even have any socials, where is people even going to ever interact with me? haha. that said i was thinking about it, opening a side blog, or maybe an Instagram alt account just to put pictures of the outside, something for me... i had an email and all but i ended up setting the address too vaguely and host hogged it with irl stuff (like school and that stuff... good to know if my school ever needs to contact me via email my name is gonna pop up like "what huh, who's this anime boy!?" haha). i think i... was too pessimistic, life can be fun, can be absolutely fuckin' devastating, and a bloody hell to get through alone, but i'm not alone am i? without him, yes. but not alone... never alone, for better or worse. for once i'm not listening to cenmilli, but i recommend: seluhru nafas ini by last child.