vielles journal 、read with extreme caution、 contains details, mentions, descriptions, and glamorifications of self harm, suicide, and eating disorders
I fuckinf hate it so much. i jjst hate it. i want comfort i was reassurance i want people to message me first . i want to not get jealous because my friends are getting along without me . i want to not get overwhelmed in big calls or cry when i hear certain songs . i want to not worry aboht weather my eating disorder is coming back or if im going to cut myslef again . i want to jjst be okay and not constantly daydream about doing it . someone just make it all end . please . i jist want my mom . i want my mama back . before she was like this . I miss my mama . and i want comfort and reassurance and tp just ve told "itll all be okay" and called cute names and loved and everything i jisy i want a lot . idk whats wrong with me . i wanr to be able to try and sleep withour worrying im goong to do something bad to myslef again.
sep 2 / 2025 8:26 am
i feel replaced. i know its dumb and stupid and pointless but they were on call all night last night . ok thats okay ! thats alrifht !!! but then she wants to again tonighf . i wanted to talk with them tonight though :(( theyre gonna end up liking eachother more than me and im the reason they met . this jjst always happens huh ? jjst dont cry . cause im at school and that would be embarassing . jjst dont cry . i jjst . i stillw ann AND I KNOW im making a big deal out of nothing probabky but it jjst scares me i dont know . maybe irs cause of abandonment issues . but i want them to initate with me too . i dont jjsy want to be told "no we would never leave u ur out friend" i want either of them to text me first and ask to call and play games and ask to stay up laye with me because THEY want to on their own not just folllowing whag ikmdoing . cahse ik waves has stayed up w me a couple tiems but thay was only cause i was staying up late . i want him or levi to be the one to ask me to call too . i want to wake up to a "HAIII WANNA CALL AND PLAY LATER ?" text cause i never get one . I jjst wanna feel like they want me too :( but whatever im hust being pathetic . again. atleast ill have more writing motivation i guess .
8/4/2025
i feel so bad for august. everyone treats her like shes mean. shes jjst scared. she fantasizes about being told i love you for the first time. poor
girl. i want someone to love her, outsys. just platonically. :(( irs so sad shes just so scared
10/25/2025
GAGEGHEHEEE i havent bene able to fromt because august is scared ill cut myself but i fronted and I just did and i reached this rlly nice styro !! the skin split white and stayed white for a litlte before all the blood came our oh my god it was so nice. it stung a little at first but now theres just blood drops pooling at the surface and its so nice >.< Im probably going to do some more before I get in the shower and then go baxk to my call. waves is asleep anyways so it doesnt matter i just wont tell him cause i dont want him to be scared !!!
10/26/2025
i want to kil myself i want to kill mysselfi want to kill myself i want to kill mysyelf i want to kill myself i want to kill myeslf i want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to kkill myself i want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to kill yself i want to kill myself i want to kill myself iw ant to kill myself i want to kill mseld i want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to kill mself i want to kill ysekf i want to kkill myseld want to kil mysel i wnatt to kill uyself i want to kkill myself i want to kil l muself i want to kill myself i want to kull myself iwant to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to kill mysekf ow ant to kill myeslf i want to kill myself iw ant to kill msekf i want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want ot kill myself i want to killl myself i want to kill mysel i want to kill myseklf i want o kl o ant to i want i want iwa nt iwant it it want to kill myself i want to kill mself i want to kill yself i want to kill myself i wantt to kill myself iw want to kill myeslf i want to kil lmysel i want to kill myeslf iw ant to kill myself i want to kill myself iw ant to kill myself iwant to kill myself i want to kill mysekf iw want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to kill muyelf i want to kill myself i want to kill mylsef i want to kill yself i want to kill myself want to kill myself i want to kill myself i wantt to kill myself i want to kill myself iwan t t o kill myeslf iw ant to kill lmyself iwnat to ill myself iwant to kill mseplf i wan tot killl yself iwant to kill myself iwant to kill my resld i want to kil my eawkf i wanttot kioll myself iw atn to kill myself i want to kill myself i want to kill myself i want tot kill myself ii want to kill myself im so numb and tired and bored of ebrything i want to killy smelf i want to kill myself i want too kil myself i want to kill myslef
10/31/2025
Im gonna crack a rib, when I get home, Im gonna bury you, in all my bones
I hate this all so much. Im fighting for my life to not just, break down. Everything feels so awful. Why am I never enough? I just want to be loved. I am loved. Why dont I feel loved? Whats wrong with me? God theres so much wrong with me. Why do I have to be plural? Id rather just be one whole person. Im going to be sick. Im sick, and I feel like im going to have a panic attack. I really just hate it all so much. None of thjs is fair. I have to be the problem, right? Why else would I be so forgetable? What else do I have to fix or break about myself? Everyone has someone. Then im there. Then im there. Then im there. Then im there. Then im there. Then im there. Over and over and over and over again and again and again. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to rip my hair out and tear my clothes off and burn my skin away and force someone to see me. What else do I have to do to be seen. Ugly raw and scared and me. Just me. But waves prefers august, and kage prefers hiareth, and levi prefers juli, and finn prefers sikx. Then im there. Then im there. Then im there. I dont want to be hateful. I dont want to be jaded. I want to be made of love and whimsy and joy. But what the helll happened? I used to be the one who would tell waves "I love you!" Now when he says it, I just think, "Get over yourself." Get over yourself get over yourself get over yourself. Get over yourself, Vielle, get over yourself. But how the hell is this fair? How is this fair? How is this fair at all? Tr after time, after time, after time after time after time after time after time. It has to be me. There has to be something that makes me hust so truly undesireable. I just dont get it. Im trying my hardest. I really am, I really am trying my hardest. I dont know what else to do. I dont log my fronts, dont say hi to people when I front. Dont tell anyone im there. I dont want to. But, also, oh my god I also want to break down and cry to someone. Anyone. I want someone to hold me and love me and kiss me, hold the back of my head like im made of porecelain, love me most. Not just love me. But love me most. Want me. Long for me the way I do. Ask for me. Request my front. Ask my headmates how I am. The way waves does for august, kage does for hiareth. All I want is love, all Im scared of is love. I want to feel jjst genuinely wanted. But fronting and that being dissappointing? That shit hurts. Oh my god it fucking hurts.
Its like trying to start a fire with matches in the snow. Where you cant seem to hold me, and you cant seem to let me go. Where I cant find surrender and I cant keep control.
VB fronted last night too. Shes cute, sweet, I like her. Normally she only fronts a little bjt every now and then. late at night, doesnt talk to anyone. Waves was there this time. So she talked to some people. Just because. Levi was one of those people. Shes scared now. I feel like tjats my fault. I scared her. We texted her, too. Explaining. VB is one of the original hosts. Not much anymore. Levi thinks that I was lying about being the host, I think? Im not too sure. we tried to text her. We being VB and I. I was there. I didnt say that to anyone though. We texted last night at nearly 1am. Levi still hasnt responded.
Hang on hang on whats going on
lowkey I’m just gonna text u directly
vielle is a host
was convinced she was me for a bit but realized she wasn’t
been a bit to unstable to front recently so she’s evening out in our back room
I front periodically and we were rapid switching so I somehow ended up here
congratulations hey hi fuckers it’s me
Vielle is going to continue to host alongside our other hosts when she evens out
no reply. this morning we texted a little bit ago.
did we do something wrong,
?
are we just too broken to be loved. maybe our trauma really does define us. maybe we realy dont deserve sociality, or connection, or anythjng like that. I dont want to be the caust of anyones pain. Maybe its better for her to leave us. So we dont scare her anymore. I dont like being scary. I feel like a monster. Im not a monster right? Plesse tell me im not a mondter. I dont want to be a monster. Im not a monster i promise. i promise i promise im trying really hard. im at my breaking point. i can try harder. i dont know if ill break but i can try harder if i need to. i promise im not a monster. i promsie i promise. i really do promise its me. its me its me i promise i swear on my life on my lovely life its meni promise and i promise i eeally promise i do im not a monster i sweer i promise on my lovely life. Im so scared shes going to leave us now. im so scared shes going to hate me now, hate us now. never want anything to do with us. im so scared. I cant stop shaking i feel like ik going to cry and throw up and oh my god. i just want to curl up into a ball. i would do anything if it meant just a little bit if longing. a little bit of being wnated. i would let someoje hurt me id it meant they wanted me even for that. i really just am so pathetic as to be who i am. im sorry.
i think its because i feel a need to be perfect. i was raised always trying to cater to others, always tryinf to help ofhers, beinf told to always put others before myself. thats what I was taught is love. that true selflessness. now i have nobody who does that for me and i feel so alone and scared and afraid. i hate my mother for raising me like that. i just want my mama back.
I can br a good person i promise. I promise i swear. i can be good i promise i can be good. someone please tell me im good someone olease tell me im enough. im sorry. im so scared
10/31/2025
12:05 pm now. levi is here. ill see them next period. i hope they dont ignore me. i hope we didnt lose them. im so panicked. im going to freak out. i want to cry
please im actually so scared. i want to cry so badly i feel lik im going to. my heart is in my throat and ill throw up. i dont know what to do if this just ruined everything. im so bad im such a monster please im sorry. im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry please just please dont tell me shes leaving please i cant handle thst oh fucking god please j will do anything i please just please . please. i hate being plural i hate everyone else in this fucking body i hate so much im goijg to rip myself open from fhe center and claw out every ugly bit about me. please i really cant do this
I crave, for closeness, but i lose myself in intimacy
its so easy to be somebody else
and i lie, to my lover
i lie, to the moon
i lie, to my bedsheets
i lie, to you
i can force, my body, to accept this, for eternity,
I can make it something its not
10/31/25
gping to thr class with levi. im genuinely so fucking scared. someone end me please
11/07/2025
i got my test grade back and I just dont know ehat to do anymore. another 76. i really really just dont know heat to do anymore. im trhinf to hard im trying my best im always fucking doing my best and its just never working its never enough no matter what i do i jsut cant get a good hrade. i used to be so fucking smart now I cant even get a B. plesse im actuslly so pathetic. im actuslly going to break doen sobbing. i just cant anymore. please its so fucking bad. i just cant. i jjst cant snymore fucking please. I practive everyday i take my notes in class i do my best. why amd i neve renoifh. i literallt did so mych better in ms boggans class and she was a shit ass teacher and I still fot a 95 and now I can barely get a fucking B in this stupid fucking class i used to day id kill myself for snytjing below a 93 now id kill jsut to get an 80 actually ehat the hell is wrong with me.
11/13/2025
god im so ducking tired. im sk fuccking lonely and im sk fucking tired. why am i so delfish. i jjst want to be wanted. what do i have to do to be noticed. i tried to kill myself. again. nobody noticed. nobody texts. nobody calls. but i have finn. i like finn. finn is nice. thank you finn.
i still feel so lonely. im sitting here trying to pretend that im okay and nonchalant. nobody even cared enough to try and figure me out. i switched in briefly with levi. she hardly seemed to care. i want people to care. atleast finn cares.
maybe cutting again wouldnt be so bad. it helped before. obody noticed, but it helped. god i jjst want to be loved again. what the fuck is wrong with me. Why do i want to kill myself so fucking badly. im clean. but maybe fourth attempts the charm. im so fucking lonely
11/16/2025
im so close to just killing myself. why am i so dsepserate for the feeling of killing myself just over and over agin baughgh. i jsut want to. im just pushing everyone away atp. besides finn. whatever. fuck everyone. nobody even cares lol im just gonna start telling everyone k and letting htem hate me. i fucking cant stand anyone. fuck everyone. everyone is stupid. everyone die. but besides finn. everyone needs to be dead to me. people do nothing but be bitches and haters. i want to kill muself. im going to kill myself. ill probably be dead by 18 lol