i am not an abuser.

i grew up with an abuser. domestic abuse and verbal abuse was prevalent in my home. i spent many of my earliest teenage years being abused, all while trying to teach myself not to mimic the things i grew up seeing. i have witnessed abuse firsthand. i have witnessed abuse secondhand. i have seen what an abuser is capable of doing, and could never ever bring myself to continue that cycle. i have been guilty of being uncompassionate, and maybe even mean, but i could never be abusive.

i asked the people i am closest to this question: “have you ever known me to be purposefully cruel?”

they all say the same thing. no.

ncwp was never my "meme" page. i helped a friend with it. i have not been an active member of ncwp in over a year. i helped create a server, but haven’t posted, or even logged into it, in months. i am no longer active in any servers affiliated with it. ncwp does not deserve to be scrutinized for actions someone else is claiming i have done. my role in ncwp was not as large as it has been made out to be. trying to drag down ncwp with me when it was an account belonging to an entirely different person, is asinine. no one even gives a fuck about that page anymore.

i am nineteen years old. i do not interact with many people online these days. i keep to myself. i choose who i do and do not want to be around, as is my right. i'm getting older, and with full transparency, shittily made picsart callout posts do not hurt my feelings as much as they were probably intended to.

so often we see abusers run to their own defense. i thought and thought, thinking about what i could have done wrong. thinking that maybe i am an abuser and i never realized. i’ve accepted that i will not be bullied into submission. i am not an abuser. i will not apologize for something i did not do. it’s disgusting how freely that word has been thrown around. you may not like me, and i definitely did hurt your feelings, but i did not abuse you.

the only times i have ever yelled at emily were when we were playing video games together, on call. my friends and i have always been very vocal when we play. so when we were alone, i was like that too. i never yelled at emily specifically. i never singled her out. i never called her worthless or demeaned her. i yelled at a video game. as one does.

before emily and i broke up, i told her not to talk to my friends about our relationship. emily was constantly overstepping boundaries and venting to them about us. this was not a manipulative ploy to silence her feelings, so don't even bother. my friends had simply expressed their discomfort with this a plethora of times. emily would tell them details about our relationship they had no business knowing. i had a friend as young as twelve years old she would do this to. when emily broke up with me, she did it again. i woke up to see that she had messaged every single one of my friends about our separation. in my last message to her, i told her this was inappropriate. i told her it was unnecessary and unwarranted, and that i was eighteen years old. i did not need my minor friends to be worrying about my personal matters. i had checked out emotionally months prior, and was done with it all before it even began. for this, i do apologize. i should have ended things much, much sooner.

we did not break up december 22nd. we broke up weeks prior. the dates were incorrect. i have evidence to support this.

emily failed to mention how her adult sister would stalk my instagram account and make fun of me. she refused to tell me how this woman found my account, and never gave me a username so i could block and protect myself. when my closest friend and i were going through a rough patch, i vented to her. emily jumped to call my friend a piece of shit and told me to drop her. i was unhappy with the way she spoke of my friend. despite our bickering, she was still practically my sister, and didn’t deserve to be called names because i was frustrated with her. i was unhappy being in a relationship with her. i admit that i was slow with my responses, and easily irritable. but i was never insulting or demeaning. i would tell her to leave me alone. i was short with her. my responses, for lack of a better term, were dry.

she’s told people i dropped out of my nursing course to stay home and play video games. i am so, so bewildered by this claim. if not for someone reaching out and telling me this, i would have ignored this situation entirely. emily knows the real reason why i had to quit. i remember telling her after it all happened. sometime between september 2022 and november 2022, i was sexually assaulted. the event that occurred was so humiliating and vile that my parents supported my decision to drop the profession as a whole, effective immediately. to be frank, i am enraged. i did not quit this career i spent months training for to play fucking video games. i KNOW i told her about this, the same day it happened. i was so distraught by it all that i even posted about it. there’s zero excuse. it’s sickening that my trauma has been trivialized to almost nothing, and manipulated to make me look bad. i will never forget what happened to me even though she seemingly has. you are unhappy with me. i understand this wholeheartedly, but this is fucking disgusting.

i have only ever said “you can’t say shit like that” as a joke. it’s extremely common for me to say. so common that my friends have even adopted it into their own vocabularies. someone says something mildly offensive but funny. i say, “you can’t say shit like that”. we giggle and life goes on. in the things emily has claimed i say to hurt her, it’s always something i’ve said in reference to a group, as opposed to singling a specific person out. i don’t know if she misunderstood during the moment it was happening, or if she’s just trying to use something against me. i apologize if she perceived it as such. never did i ever say anything derogatory to her in particular. emily has told people that i have a big ego and that i am a piece of shit. i agree with the piece of shit part, but to claim i of all people have this imaginary, astronomically large ego, is almost laughable. i am not the egotistical monster i have been made out to be. i know my attitude could be way better, but i am not cruel.

emily has not mentioned, i believe, that i am autistic. due to this, i speak in a very flat tone, and sometimes i am too honest. i say what i am thinking, and it can come off as hurtful. it’s very easy to mistaken me idly talking for me being mean. i say this in regard to us playing video games while speaking on call. if someone is doing poorly, i will comment on it. this is the only circumstance i can think of where she might have misinterpreted what i said. i sometimes call my teammates worthless on overwatch without realizing it’s my friend. i almost always apologize. the only instance i don’t is when they agree, and we have a good laugh.

as an autistic person, i have a tough time controlling my emotions and deciphering what i am feeling. in the months after my sexual assault, my mental health was not at its best. i was suicidally depressed. i couldn’t understand what i was feeling, and felt frustrated with myself. it’s at times like this where i would ask people to leave me alone. when i would ask her to leave me be, emily would message my friend and ask about me. my friend was uncomfortable with her telling them about details pertaining to our relationship. my friend didn’t want to talk about me behind my back. he knew that i liked my privacy, and that i had asked emily to not talk to my friends about our relationship before. emily has broken this boundary several times.

emily would bicker and fight with my friends in vc. we would be loud and giggle while we played. she’d tell them to shut up. emily was once frustrated with her phone, and took it out on us by yelling at us during an apex match. my friend would joke with her, and emily would turn it into an argument. my friend has only recently just told me how triggering this was for him. if there’s anything here to apologize for, i apologize for letting him endure that.

our relationship was very draining. emily talked about herself more than anything else, and there was always something to complain about. when we called with my friends, she was always talking over them to tell stories about her life, and people we didn’t even know. my friends were cordial with her, but didn’t appreciate how she would only talk to them to vent unwarranted. she commissioned my friend and in the midst of the business they were conducting, emily started venting. the nonstop venting was a plague on all of us. for her to be constantly negative while i was struggling didn’t help either.

i believe in supporting victims, but emily is not a victim in this regard. i am not a victim. i was unwilling to participate in our relationship, especially in the months leading up to december. i’ve grown so much in the last year. the things i admit to doing i don’t even do anymore. i don’t know what kind of justice she is seeking, but if it makes her feel at ease, she’s free to slander me all she wants. i’ve stated all of the facts. i have evidence to support my claims. i’m not active enough in communities online to really care about that post being made. i’ve defended myself. i have people who were present during these events who said i am not in the wrong. i have not manipulated them into supporting me; they simply agree that this is all false.

emily will remain on my dni, as she has been for many months. i suspect this is why she felt urged to start all of this. unfortunately for her, i am allowed to say what i want and put whoever i want on there. i don’t like you and i have no obligation to like you. this is childish, but i have every right to choose who i interact with online, and i have zero desire to do so with you. kindly stop requesting to follow my friends also, because they don’t care about our bullshit. it’s embarrassing.

i understand this has been on her mind for a very long time, and i understand that i have hurt her. i am sorry for the way things ended, and i am sorry for not ending our relationship sooner.

but i will not say sorry for something i didn’t do. i am not an abuser. i won’t be convinced otherwise. i know that i am right. i know what i am capable of. i would never purposely say something with the intent of doing harm to someone i once cared about.

do not blindly support someone without knowing the whole truth.

this has been interesting. i have no further comments.

Edit
Pub: 17 Mar 2023 21:52 UTC
Edit: 11 Oct 2023 21:42 UTC
Views: 208