A Quick おにいさまへ… Review Before the Eternal Worm Devours Arizona

Written by Emma @pollution_ @indochina


When I first joined the sorority, it was terrifying. It was elite. It was meritocratic? Ah, I could never tell whether that was true or not, or absolutely corrupted by nepotism. I was constantly on edge, yet I felt unbelievably invigorated by how much better I was able to become at the values held by everyone here. It was overwhelming. I watched silently as my peers drowned in their own inadequacy and failures. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. No, I could take it, but I could never jump from the heights I was raised to down the clouded abyss. Such a selfish desire. I could never escape from the threads that kept me. They wrapped around my throat and choked me night after night as I woke up continuously in gasped screams only until I was able to pry them off with my fingernails.

Nanako, it was different for you. You didn't lose yourself. It didn't change how you treated others. The circumstances of your membership were fuzzy, and it caused temporary turmoil for your personal relationships, but in the end you were who you wanted to be. You stayed the same. You remained honest. You remained kind. You remained sweet. That all shined through. At times, I thought that given how preeminent those features were about you, they must have been why you were invited to join. I saw the way Miya talked with the other students, and it felt so correspondent to their characters. Everyone's trials felt appropriate for them.

The mental and emotional struggles we all had to endure were torturous. I'd like to believe they were always worth it though. I want to believe that the scars we came out showing for it could be considered something to be proud of, like an unseen schmisse carved into our hearts... except for Misaki... except for Saint-Just...

Maybe I'm excusing everyone's terrible mental health too much. Maybe I'm excusing the days locked in cellars left only to dance by oneself. Maybe I'm excusing the tears. Maybe my relationship with trauma is just so acquainted with that I can't see it for anything other than the familiar companion it has become for me.

I always stopped to look around at this town in disbelief that I have been living surrounded by it this whole time. It stood unmoving while watching over our insignificant bickering. From the clock tower's rising stained glass, to the rainy café, to the bridges and parks which smelled so beautiful, to the sunsets which painted the skies sherbet, to the houses which only needed to be burned down and resolve this despair. This despair!

As the new year pitches in towards us and we move on from the strained and messy circumstances of our encounter, I hope we won't forget one another. I just received my schedule for the coming semester, and it looks like we won't have any overlap like last year. I don't mind though. I'm just glad I met you.


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Pub: 04 Mar 2024 22:10 UTC

Edit: 04 Mar 2024 22:44 UTC

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