2026 = January - March: Archive from my online diary
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(sorry, chaotic first one and didn't trust myself with swear words yet on here)
january 12th, 2026
dear diary
okay what the fuck. i saw my ex in the office when i was talking on the office phone @ school and this nicaraguan central american bih kept looking at me. plus I still didn't apologize for telling him to 😵 himself cuz he deserves it bc he hits me and was rude lmao... I watched a volleyball game today and it was students vs teachers and lowkey teachers cooked i betted on the student side tho but they lost BY 20 😭🙏... it was so devastating. well my ex a few days ago returned a gift in my locker I gave him it was a bracelet with his initial J and bih why give it TO ME??? my initial is not a fucking J its a Y so I obviously threw the bracelet away. I ruined all his gifts and destroyed them (like ripped open a plushie) bc I dont need him. my friend (not friends idek what to call him) thats a 'calm' but still 'crazy' (but he says) thats autistic said 'damn i didnt knew you were so crazy lmao' and i said '[super super super super bad bad word] thats how i am obviously.' asian me should be those kawaii shoujo girls and be all soft and cute, but NO i refuse to be one bc my mom forces me to be a cute asian girl instead of a emo asian girl. plus my mom got mad i have thin eyebrows like excuse me shut up let me be who i wanna be old lady. also, my bsf is making fun of me (not really made fun) for having scars like mam- i told her that her hairy arms were sprm and then she said 'are those cat scratches on your arm' like obviously not. the same autistic guy said i was a slender (the rblx avatar) on roblox because i have korblox when my style is not even close OR TOUCHING that style. </3 I severely miss being happy with someone like my ex. i cured him from his depression but he worsened mine. but its okay i find comfort in depression. but sometimes i do not feel anything at all, LOL, it is a good thing so my thoughts wont be crazy. my novel is doing good, the title is bloodstained secrets and i find it corny. 153 pages, 45,333 words. i am proud actually, for like, the first time in this year. a guy at my school thats latino asked if he could draw the hair to my drawing. i obviously said no and he said 'stay tuned for day 27 guys.' he says talking to himself. (yes it has been 27 days of him asking to draw the hair.) he says hes to smart for this world and needs to be put in a different year and i said 'yeah, the BC years,' and he feigned offence.
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~ Y
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january 13th, 2026
dear diary
ugh life is hard but my playlist harder. listening to weezer, bea, pierce the veil, or wvtr. uuggghhh im so tired i wrote a lot yesterday and i bet no one wanted to read that. i keep drawing on the science tables because well idk. my dad is old i think hes gonna die soon. he got his eye surgery and throwing up a lot. well skill issue. ill cry a lil then stop bc i cant cry anymore. I dont bc i have tear burns at the end of my eyes and it stings when i keep wiping my eyes. theres so many corny ppl at school like those therions (its how they act, nothing about the tail, dont know how to spell) and they bark or something and okay, let them be. my ex is so corny he like listens to those brazilian phonk songs (my opinion, no offence) and literally has dated like 5+ ppl before me is fucking crazy just stay with someone you ACTUALLY like. im so cool why wont anyone date me i think its bc im emo 
~ Y
january 14th, 2026
dear diary
I have math hw but im not gonna do it i only need to do the bottom. its abt like... wait if i say it and you people search it up it will show my grade im in so i wont say it. i forgot abt everything ngl i have like 1's and 2's in that class when i want a 3 or 4. i have like one 4 in that class and 3 3's. uggh a guy asked why am i in extended english class like... bro just bc im ASIAN doesn't mean im SMART. gosh why can't they know im just a normal being. im pissed with everyone, even my colombian friend that kisses me when she wants to. no im not lesbian i am bisexual and demi-sexual but i prefer men. shes pretty annoying sometimes. but i still love her as a friend. (cuz i only have like 3 close ppl.) i brought my small cute corn plush to school. it was a keychain. the guy who asked to draw the hair to my drawing wanted to see it so i give it to him. he just took it and kept it for himself lolololol. i dont care, it was my sisters keychain.
~ Yㅤ
january 15th, 2026
dear diary
i threw up today so im staying home. my throw up is yellow. (disgusting.) i searched it up and yes it is normal. no, im being serious it was a yellow color, like the color. no chunks. (why am i talking about this, ew.) its 8:15 and i wake up at 8:10 for school. then i go to school at 8:49 then it turns 8:55. there is nothing important to talk about. i have been throwing up a little and not a lot. i threatened my baby sister (3) that i was gonna throw up in her mouth if she wont stop sitting on me. i was like "bitch get off me or else imma throw up in your mouth." of course she doesn't understand but flipped me off with the middle finger.
~ Y
january 16th, 2026
dear diary
im still staying home bc i lied to my parents that i was still sick though im fine. im busy reading girl in pieces bc why not, my cousin gave it to me. i am also busy writing my book.
( if you were here before, yes I deleted the chapter i put in. )
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~ Y
january 17th, 2026
dear diary
my parents are arguing while i am busy learning russian on duolingo when im supposed to be learning spanish... i already learned a lot. i know how to write it and know what it means. but i dont know how to use it in a conversation irl. i will keep learning. nothing to talk about today.
~ Y
january 18th, 2026
dear diary
ew... washing the toilet today because my moms friends are coming over. im surprised she has friends. my room is all messy and lazy but my mom forces me to clean it. strong argument but she finally didnt let me clean it. trash bags everywhere... parents are yelling at me because im to lazy when im just dead. i updated my book. funn. im panicking from how many chapters i have. 79 chapters with only 159 pages... thats not a novel. i am panicking because i have a page for all my chapters at the first page and im running out of space. i only have a few chapters left in 10 size font, times new roman font. Im scared i have to literally use a SECOND page for my chapters because they are so short. (one page chapters.) my font is Unna, size 13 for the whole book. * sigh * i guess i have to use a second page. (eww weirdo)
few minutes later:
I made a second page for it. IM CRYING NOOOO.........
my friend sent me this just today... they said they know ball... lmao (ugh so many rotters are rotting my brain)
~ Y
january 20th, 2026
dear diary
FUCK I FORGOT TO DO THIS- my bad. someone on roblox was like:
her: "I like your avatar!! :)"
me: "oh, ty i like urs also,"
her: "your welcome mll and ty!!"
HOLD up. lemme do that again
her: "your welcome 
mll 
and ty!!"
she just called a random ho (me) her love like girl what
me: "MLL?? im not ur love,"
her: "my bad I call everyone that 😭"
okay girl you can't just go around saying your love to everyone okay...
someone got mad at me at school. lmao. lets call him GA. (first letter and last letter of name.) GA and I were partnered up cause the gym teacher moved me because i was in a group of 3. GA said we were 'cooked' which i obviously didn't give a damn... a few rounds later when we played badminton, we both stopped and the birdie fell. he flipped me off and said something like "Pendeja!" like bitch i knew what you said. So i sweared at him back in another languge calling him a hoe and whore. I flipped him off and said "bitch ur just mad u missed IT WAS IN MY AREA AND YOU LITERALLY ALWAYS TAKE MY HITS." like bro it was ur fault that you always take my hits.
I was watching tiktoks of my teacher and he looked so goofy. it was like him on the ground dramatically and the text said: "when your students argue about them breaking a chromebook and talking about tickling their toes and ears."
I think he was calling me out on the toes and ears part.
btw he is printing me. YES. ME. a small Ai model of me and Im dying I look so ugly LMAO. its printing rn and its gonna be black and white. the first photo it generated was like me with Jun Hee's hair. (squid games.) Hell no. he took another photo and it gave me luscious hair. i didn't like it but he dramatically said "BRO IT DOESN'T MATTER ITS JUST HAIRR 😭"
ugghh why doesn't anyone like me and think im kool. i only joke about kissing my friends, not bad at all... plus i think no one wants to bc im an emo/goth (yes i said that b4) like girl with my stupid uniform. and im ACTUALLY mentally depressed with bpd and sooo many disorders and illnesses. but i can be a good gf bro i swear i can. i show sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much love bc i want some back cuz i lack happiness :,( I can be soooo obsessive and jealous, scared they'll leave me... but yeah im single now since i broke up. not crying my ass for anyone LMAO. (for the rude people)
~ Y
january 21st, 2026
dear diary
I GOT MY PRINTED SELFF!!! i look so ugly, my eyes look like a parorah. it gave me an hourglass, something i DONT have. and it gave me ass cheeks like excuse me i don't want my ass showing. it has a dent cus my friend threw it LMAO. theres black pen on the eyes to show my eyeliner more on the printed me. my ex did it said my cousin 💔 im sorry to say, (u can get mad at me lol) my ex is still kinda cute bc i found him attractive, but were not together. i dont think about him, only on here kinda. i just got squirted on (PLEASE KEEP READING IT SOUNDS SO WEIRD) by a guy. we were in tech and i bumped into him as a joke and said "Move PUNK." and walked by. he smiled (menacingly) and bumped into me harder. then i worked on something and i felt water inside of my shirt on the back. (like a small amount.) he used a dropper to squirt it in my shirt. i picked up one and put water on him, it making a wet stain on his shirt, lol
later:
FUCK I FORGOT!!11!! I need to study for my quiz on math tmrw. shiittt... idk anything from that. well not studying cuz we can use learning log. AUUGHH........ I hate this.
~ Y
january 22nd, 2026
dear diary
bruh i think i failed my math quiz LMAO. we did a badminton competition and im still in, i didnt lose. i had to 1v1 a white boy, 2 of my friends, (i went solo), and idk someone. my ex was in my advisory room and he was about to go out when I was going in. when he was behind me when we walked by, i side eyed him but i didnt know HE WAS ALSO SIDE EYEING ME. it was kinda embarrassing. it was indoor recess and we decided to side behind my ex's friend group cuz no space. i was crashing the fuck out because i was on my chromebook doing Wordle. i didnt notice my ex turning around and staring at me from my screaming at the bleachers. (yeah we sat at the bleachers in the gym where we ate.) im surprised my ex is still friends with my friends 💔
~ Y
(skipped january 23rd, to lazy and boring day.)
january 24th, 2026
dear diary
honestly sooo tired just writing my book. im fine with that. i blew bubbles out my window bc i found out it can open to the screen then actually outside. (useful for escapes if i do...) i watched a bubble freeze. i was like a kid, lmao. so fun.
~ Y
january 25th, 2026
dear diary
BOOM!! trees exploding. jk. i have a lot of trees right next to my house, lol. i dont know if they ARE gonna explode, kinda scared. plus i changed my book cover, its so minimalistic and not maximalism. (sigh, im so sadddd)
~ Y
january 26th, 2026
dear diary
night:
I guess it counts as the next day. its 12 and I have school tomorrow. i feel shitty and drowning in my feelings. i want my colombian friend holding me in her arms and telling me how much she cares... i love her. my arms are scarred and im scared of my arm. it makes me grimace when i see my arm. some scrs are white and some are red, healed. i cant sleep, something is bothering me. i forcefully hit my head on purpose because i got too stressed a few minutes ago. my parents aren't home so i punched something so my knuckles are badly bruised. I'm hurting again, i feel more guilty. i also made my thighs scarred, i couldn't get enough pain. i hug my pillow tightly as well. i miss being happy. im so sad my colombian friend also has scarred arms, but not a lot. only a few, like 5 red ones. 3/4 people of my friend group cuts including me. i do it the deepest. i have more thoughts of 'disappearing' if you know. i tried an attempt today, but i couldnt. i love my bed, its so comfy and comforting... it makes me get a little better. i miss hugs... especially from my colombian friend. her boobs are in the way though. my ex gives the best ones i admit. he doesnt have the boobs. his body tea, but works out trying to impress me but it doesnt at all. i loved his baby face, it looked cute on him. i loved to give him sneaky hugs from behind and i loved how he wasnt lustful to me. its just that he didnt love me anymore and he didnt admit it. yes, it did make me sad that i didnt have him anymore, but i dont care about him now. i think its because he got tired of telling me to stop cutng for him but i didnt. its because i was a little scared of him, he would hit me, joking at my table at lunch. it makes me scared so i didnt stop cutitngjasfkj. my friends would just look at him in disbelief. i would flinch and he would laugh it off. i didnt talk to him that much because i was scared he was going to hit me. i never told him.
Actual time: 10:03
heyy im back, same day just different time. I am doing okay, what you read above... im not going crazy (i am but not now, LOL), i am alright. (i promise.) my colobian friend kissed me today on the neck. whoa, are you lesbian??/!!! no im not. she said shes straight like a table. she said its her bipolar. (me too twin.) im still... on edge about what just happened above. (the fear.) i still am kind of scared... but i'll try to breathe and calm down... im in bed, im still scared so i hugged my pillow, scared if my parents found out i locked my room... I dont know why they are mad, i just want to be alone, a safe space to cry. im scared, (duh, LMAO), theres so many classmates who know i have scarred arms and im scared they find them scary and ugly. my arm sting again, i went too deep. i want to cry but i cant, idk why. me and that guy who squeezes our waists as a joke, (my colombian friend's cousin), accidently touched my boob but he said sorry, lol. it was a small class, a chill substitute who is a woman shipped us literally and everyone also did when i don't like him (demi-sexual.) he doesn't speak english well, but its still good.
~ Y
january 27th, 2026
dear diary
im not scared anymore. i calmed down and well, i guess it worked. i love wearing eyeliner, its so annoyingly good. i played project sekai (hatsune miku: colorful stage) and i enjoyed it even tho idk vocaloid. i only know teto (wait, is she even vocaloid?) and miku and that yellow girl i think?? 😭 im not sure but yea, it was really fun. I lost the badminton tournament, i was third tho. soo fucking closee!!!11
night:
im scared again. every night. im scared my mom will come in and hit me again. i am hugging my pillow and adding more to my scarred arms. i have more thoughts about endingit. maybe ill do it right now... i dont have the balls to do it. (get it? i dont got fucking balls.) im so mentally and physically tired. im very stressed... maybe ill read a book, maybe write my book to get rid of the stress. my arms hurt like shit, it stings so bad. i went to deep. mi colombian best friend kissed me again. wowzers, sooo happy. her lip gloss always in the spot but i dont wipe it away when she is looking. i do when she isnt looking. i dont wipe away kisses, its just that i dont like lip gloss texture. to sticky. forever will hate lipgloss.
~ Y
january 28th, 2026
dear diary
bro when my ex visited my advisory to talk to his fav teacher, he was backing up while i was going in my advisory AND I ALMOST BUMPED INTO HIM. he then turns around then sees me standing there, eyeing his ass and he also eyes me down. he walks away and BRO... that was embarrassing-ish😭
~ Y
january 29, 2026
dear diary
YAYYAYAYAYYYYA MY ESSAY GOT 3/4!!!!!1!!!!!!11!111 (my grading is different if you dont know.) I SOUU HAPPYUHHHUUU........ its the end of uh... 'quarter' and they r grading everything. theres a party for each quarter, (field trip I mean) if your a good student. I ALMOST COULDNT GO I HAD 4 MISSING ASSIGNMENTS WHEN THEY SAID ONLY 5 YOU CANT GO IM SO LUCKKYY-
thank you god
night:
my mom is yelling at my younger sister. shes getting hit. i feel scared tho, i can hear her cries and moms yelling. my dad wants to help my sister and my mom and dad are now yelling. im so scared i did it again. my dad is angry that my mom is abusing us. mom told my sister to run away and doesn't want her anymore. its not to me but i hate her yelling. im going insane again, im to scared. then my mom is caring for my sister after. what the fuck....??? im shaking after, i tried to calm down, breathing but i couldn't. i cuteverywhere on my body, i can't calm down. im in bed trying to sleep while the chaos is happening... my sister was mad at my even younger sibling after the little one took her therian mask and hid it. my sister was angry and yelled at her, the little one crying. then my mom got mad at my sister?????// like bitch ok i get it but my sister's mask was important to her bc she worked so hard on it and it was her only one. so mom here it is: KILL YOURSELF. I really want to get my hands on drugs and overdose. or have a pew and let it trigger. i h8 everything.
~ Y
january 30th, 2026
dear diary
i understand it now. my dad is yelling at us bc he wants us to learn our lessons and he doesnt want us to get hit. lucky me, i dont get hit rarely bc i learned it the hard way. so my mom is the 'bad guy' here. but my dad is cheating on my mom with my mom's aunt, and my mom also is struggling bc she only works in our family and cooks and cleans, wvtr. my mom wants to divorce, and i said "yeah, divorce" but its no use, because she has to take care of 4 kids, (including me) who honestly suck with help. so what? dont know.
night:
im reading my book girl in pieces. im so calm... It's making me distracted from what happened yesterday... i started watching death note, which also distracted me. I can't unhear the meme sounds from the anime. i feel better. the swear words in the book make me happier, hah. i wrote more russian. (jk i didnt, no motivation.) i have 2 days to do my laundry. today and tomorrow. If I don't do it, it will be 3 weeks of un-laund-dreed (...?) clothes. disgusting. my mom is making food for my cousin's grandma's funeral. i hope shes (cousin) doing okay and notcutting the shit out of her like me. she told me shes getting better and she laughed at me, saying "oh girl, at least im not you, ahaha!!" that wasn't funny. ugh, sooo happy today. my mom told me my dad was driving with black stained glasses, and my mom was unseatbelted and the little one also. (stupid idea.) my mom was next to my dad while the little one was in the back. my mom thought the little one was seatbelted. my dad was speeding (like always, no shit, ugh) and he hit a small pot hole and made the car lowkey go high, the little one FLYING. (no shit.) now... i was like "you... could of checked the little one???" i said after my mom told the story and she got mad at me. (wow.) she yelled at me, no reason. get your point you whore. one side of my room is clean while the other is messy as fuck. (my closet and shelf are clean.) i lost my energy when cleaning so my room is odd. uugghh i want to cutagain but i already cutthe shit out of myself. well, gotta go, cya people.
~ Y
january 31st, 2026
dear diary
yayayaya... its the end of a month tomorrow. i beat the shit out of my knees so its red. and cut the shit outof my arms. then i destroyed myself. best way to cope right now. ugh i just want to sleep but its 1:06. (not night.) i got yelled at just bc the little one ate too much hot chips when its not my fault. my nose was bleeding bc the little one bumped her head into my nose. fuck life.
~ Y
february 1st, 2026
dear diary
yayayayay its been a fucking monthhuuuhhh. its 11:33 @ night rn. i beat the shit outta me again. ( * dramatic cutting action * ) welll.... uh im pulling an all-nighter again bc i want to destroy myself. omg why did my diary take a dark turn now its about dying and hurting mysef </3 im itching my scars it itches so much bro its a pain in my puh. got school tmrw also, fuck life 🤘🏻
~ Y
february 2nd, 2026
dear diary
i finished my book. yay. i have fucking health class bro. AND EXTENDED MATH. uugghh i feel so dum. I found out I'm an otrovert a few minutes ago. wow, so shocking. i h8 when people on roblox tell me if they wanna do it with them or wanna date them like bitch, IM A MINOR.
pulling a damn all nighter again LMAO.
night:
i did it again. cut, burning, relief, and guilt is what i all felt when i do it. i did it on my right arm and not left this time. they are bumpy like mountains. the left arm has red healed cuts. i actually like bumpy scars, it makes me less disgusted in myself. fun to run my fingers on also.
~ Y
february 3rd, 2026
dear diary
bro im so disgusting. Im lowkey weird, mental, odd, and a deadass wanting to die 💔 I SWEAR IM SO DISGUSTING I HATEMYSELF SO MUCH. why am i alive, i wish i didnt win the race, LMAO. (laugh please 😭) uugghh it sucks why do humans have to feel sadnass like omg im gonna burn. im crying rn why do i h8myself so much like why can i be everyone else, like happy. WAIT WHY DO I SOUND SO CRINGY RN WHAT-
night:
yk, i appreciate my ex for only 1 thing: loyalty. cus this latina baddie lets call her D, first letter. D's little sister had a crush on my ex WHEN ME AND HIM STILL DATED. bitch looked like that one masha and the bear episode when masha was a monkey. uneven looking teeth, lmao. (no shade to my other uneven teethed people, dw.) shes 1 school year under my ex, for example shes in 6th grade hes in 7th. so D's lil sister asked D to give my ex her phone number to him, and D gave it to him, (everyone told me it was D's number, but my colombian friend whos friend w/ D said its not) but he said "no bitch i got a gf." anyways now D and her sister hates him bc he turned her down??? hello??? like ur just mad he picked me first over your sister bbfr get it over with 😭 (plus thats why D hates me when I did nothing?? js bc i dated (used to) him dont mean you gotta h8 me as well </3) then after i broke up w/ him bc he talks shit abt me, sooo sad, totally.
no fucking way my ex turned her down bc she got the straightest hair and bigger boobs than me plus im a obsessed mentally unwell emo bitch while she looks better than me with her crusty lip gloss, but my ex knows i treat him better than his like 1 trillionth girl 😭
im pulling an all-nighter again bc im worthless and disgusting
~ Y
february 5th, 2026
dear diary
(yesterday info tho) I found out why my ex ruffles and makes my cousins hair messy on purpose. (my cousin is a girl.) My cousin said (btw its a secret between us so my ex doesnt find out why) "Its because he said that your hair is always messy and he used to do it to you." HUH... i wonder why.
my ex was talking to someone next to him, they were by my locker. then out of nowhere, i looked behind me and see my ex and D's little sister ON THE FLOOR... ngl she deserved it prob. anyways my ex looked so ugly and looked like alvin and the chipmunks with his friends glasses on today... HIS BABY FACE IM CRINE. (cuz i heard his friend gave it to him for the day.)
theres a new girl in school, idk her name i forgot. according to my calculations, i only have one class with her, science. she and a black girl (i used to be friends with) comes up to me and my 2 other friends, (my cousin and other friend, lmao) and the black girl (lets call her K) introduced me and my cousin to the new girl. She's a normal white girl with a cuff with spikes on it. New girl, she complimented my eyeliner like "Girl I wish I had eyeliner like you, it fits you!" and I said thank you awkwardly. they walked off and my friends laughed saying that was embarrassing but not really. my cousin said "shes just like you, she wants to wear eyeliner and shes an emo AND her personality is like yours." GIRL WHAT- just because shes wearing a black uniform and a spiked cuff doesnt mean anything 😭
february 7th, 2026
dear diary
night:
im such a disappointment. i banged my head on a wall and sliced my arms open bc thats the only way id open up. i bought new clothes at the thrift store. yay, so happy but I'm happier to cut. i had a panic attack and i felt weird. i bite my arms hard and scratched myself red as well. i tried ripping my face apart and choked myself. "why am i so disgusting?" I would repeat in my head over and over again. i started ctting last year in june when it was my birthday. it was a bad birthday like always. i need to switch my eyebrow razor & use a sharper one now. I need to bleed more and taste the blood. i need to destroy myself again and cutcutcutcutcutcutcut over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I need to bleed more. I NEED MORE PAIN IT FEELS AWESOME.
~ Y
february 8th 2026
dear diary
omg why was last night so cringey- ANYWAYS... yes i got new clothes, its like (idk the style called i forgot so imma describe it) the shirt i got (one of them) was a cross with like those abstract things behind the cross and had like wings also on the back of the cross. (main focus on the shirt was a cross.) yeah it got like gems on it, y'know?
its like:
but with a cross
these are like what i bought similar:
(i also got this black 2000s yoga leggings thing with a design on the thigh but i cant find a photo online </3)
~ Y
february 11th 2026
dear diary
been 3 fucking days since i did this. i did it again. i also hit my knees and knuckles until they are a sharp red color. it faded and my knuckles still got a pink tint on it. i wanted to endit but i changed my mind. i kept crying anyways, my eyeliner and mascara turning my tears black. i hate my life so much. my wrists sting so much. everything hurts so much no one lovesme anymore. but i do know people like me. i want to killkillkillkillkillkill myself. im so sad why am i here.
~ Y
february 13th, 2026
dear diary
today? its 8:38. im going to arrive at school soon. 8:49 is when I go. I did a goth makeup with no white powder idk what its called. we are having a party for the 'good' students on monday. im one of them (JUST barely I couldnt go.)
~ Y
february 14th, 2026
i always hated valentines day. no one loved me. my parents are fighting and yelling, my mom broke my dads phone and said he was mental. just divorce already
~ Y
february 15th, 2026
dear diary
im so tired. i found a new song i like now. CREEP U - black dresses. i found it on spotify. its a song i kept searching for. it feels like your angry, sad, or you feel self-hatred i really don't know. i dont know what it makes me feel, i really dont care either. my taste in songs are like indie, indie rock, rock, whatever. it sounds sad all the time.
~ Y
february 17th, 2026
im in my damn towel. its been 5 days since i ever showered. depression really hurts.
~ Y
february 19th, 2026
dear diary
hm... i forgot what day i opened the door to someone when that someone was my ex. stupid MEE!!! my cousin laughed, lmao idk what day. i hate how i write less than before.
~ Y
february 21st, 2026
dear diary
my cousin has a boyfriend now. hes so nice... im so jealous... why didnt i have a nice boyfriend in the past? my ex was rude... well i wont be surprised if they break up, my cousin had many exes because shes a pretty asian with the mochi skin and jet black silky hair, while im like a useless side quest. her boyfriend isn't the best looking according to her, but personality matters to her most. hes like "i wont ever hurt her," or "shes so perfect," or "shes the best, i love her." i wish i had a boyfriend thats as nice as him. no, i dont want her boyfriend, hes a little to tall for me. im like where his small man boobs are. I'm really short, i hate it. no, not those dwarfs, i mean just genuinely short. like 4'11? im not even in the 5's bro. im not a 5th grader or anything. im just freaking short. well, her boyfriend should treat her amazing... now i should just watch men whimpering. bro im bouncing my leg rn and like idk why theres this shaking noise when i do and it sounds like habits bro...
~ Y
february 24th, 2026
dear diary
I got hit by a metal water bottle today in the head
~ Y
march 1st, 2026
dear diary
i woke up at 7:17 to go to school at 8:50. I'm busy writing my book, it is not bad.
~ Y
march 4th, 2026
dear diary
I lost my keys bro. Im missing my S and I key. Si thats true. So now I dont have a S, I, and H. I don't want to go get it fixed cuz i um... drew on my skool computer so likelikelike- bro its posca and i cry.
~ Y
march 6th, 2026
dear diary............
LEMME GIVE U SUM TEA. my colombian friend told me this:
"your ex sent a snap of him with wet hair and said 'hey [BSF NAME], wnna be my gf?' i obviously said NO BRO."
I was so fab-lou-gast-tid and I was laughing SO HARD LIKE GIRL WHAT-
~ Y
march 9th, 2026
dear diary
its 12:22. im not sad, but very calm and peaceful. i like to hold my pillow and cuddle it a lot, thats what i did so im calm. i wish it was someone, we'll never really know. i feel a little hot and sweaty for some reason, i want to just take my clothes off. today i played roblox and played bbq chicken alert on mic just to be funny and have fun. im still trying to be happy. i do accept my mental illnesses and disorders. its just who i am. im not proud, sad, or angry. i just literally dont give a fuck. im me still, happy and grateful. i still do self harm, its just really boring so i don't cut myself and let my scars heal. i have old scars that never ever fade, its just there, stubborn and old. i watch coryxkenshin to cure my boredom. hes funny. i miss hugs, real hugs from someone who does love me. everyday and every time me and my ex would hug all recess back then. it warmed my heart up and patched my weak heart. he gave me a hickey once sneakily, i got mad. it was behind my neck somewhere. he would give me warm kisses and it made me fall for him harder. i would get sad when he plays soccer and says im boring... it broke my sensitive heart even more. it makes me jealous when he smiles more with his friends. it makes me sad that i was a boring, pathetic girlfriend for him. but he was worse. i guess my handmade gifts were nothing to him. this is why im asexual now, i dont need anyone making me feel like a shitty asshole. i dont care if someone hates me. i dont care if someone has a crush on me. im just a little cold and meaner now. im doing this to make me hate myself more.
~ Y
march 9th, 2026 [morning]
im cooking buldak. it the pink 1 i forgot the name. i only eat it cus it tastes good, and i have a wayyyy higher spice tolerance. like 2x spicy with the whole packet. yayayayyayay tummy full. im happy its 62°F in [NO LEAKS] now. Its my definition of a perfect weather. its so nice out, i might cry, hehehheheh.
(I had the biggest shit.)
~ Y
march 12th, 2026
dear dickary
I want to watch thirteen. that oldish movie? show? i can relate to it a little, not a lot. it makes me feel oddly weird and unsettling. im just a young minor, i bet im mature enough to watch it. (i am anyway.) i love horror movies, the blood and stabs. few months way before, a person in my school killed herself. she was a few grades over me. they painted her locker purple, her favorite color and held a memorial of her. i have one more year in my school, i need to pick a highschool I'm going to. hmm... i want to learn japanese at a medium sized one but i love the classes at the big boy school. i guess i can do the big school, ill see my elementary friends and classmates. fun!!!! tho they might be skeptical on how i turned into a 'cute' girl and now an emo girl. i hope someone will like me... i want a best best friend, only small friend groups because i hate people but i can talk well with people I don't know. guess ill think abt it.
~ Y
march 13th, 2026
dear diary
sigh. I did it again. tho it isnt sharp enough, ugh. ill ask my cousin if she has ablade for me, she does it too.
~ Y
march 15th, 2026
(i dont want to do dear diary anymore LOL)
yay my book is finished!!!!!!!!!111111!! im super proud. I have 198 pages in total. i have to meet on Wednesday at the library in my school so it can print out. ughh... why cant SHE print it herself? what, she wants me to see my work? HELL NO!
the due date for OUR (the program) books are like april 1st bc spring break. yay.
~ Y
march 16th, 2026
happy birthday to me! its not my birthday. my birthday is in june where the sun shines. im happy today, no yelling, no school... but I HATE how its snowing still.............
6:02
when i think about it... im not sure if i really want to end my life. you know, when i was a little girl, i always wanted to grow up and have my own house just to decorate. if i died i wouldn't achieve what i wanted as a kid. i still do want to grow up, even though i know people who grown up said they wished they were a kid again. I dont wan't to be young anymore. i want to grow up and forget the traumatic events that happened when i was a kid. i never changed much. little me wanted to kill herself, i do still. little me wanted to have a different family, i do still. little me loved art. i do still. no matter what, most things don't change in me. i want a family that shows love and supports me. but i guess not. i hate the world. i hate epstein, trump, ICE, rapists, i hate the world for that. no one deserves a horrible life just like mines. no one needs to suffer just like me. i hate how my parents voted for trump because he was 'white' and a male. i even told my parents trump will be a horrible president. they never listened and now they face the consequences. i foreshadowed but they never ever listened to me. that's the only time i know i was right. i feel like i should suffer, i dont deserve expensive things, loving people, people who care. i dont deserve it. its so... weird that my whole friend group is suffering by either trauma, cutting, or just self-hatred. i feel so connected in a painful way. no one deserves that. theres so many hurt people, but they were my friends. im happy that no one really hates me at school, no bullies, no hatred. just... supportive, kind, and funny people around me. they dont directly bully me, just some words they dont know just hurt me. i really hate people. i prefer to be alone but i can talk and be comfortable with people, like laughing with strangers. i dont feel fit in at all, just comfortable and there. i feel like a side person, but i dont mind it, id rather be alone. i yearn for someone. no, not the yearning romanticised type. just actual yearning. I wanted someone to care for me, i waited years just to get nothing. i dont care if i get what i want and its a girl im dating, a transgender, or whatever. i just want someone to care and i want to depend on them, and they can support me through my hard times. i dont care if my lover is manipulative, possessive, heartbroken, 'broken', mean, mental, crazy, lovesick, reckless, abusive, 'normal', caring, loud, quiet, introverted, extroverted, cheating, fat, thin, eats a lot, doesnt eat, crys a lot, cold, mute, deaf, or even suicidal, ill still love them. ill try my best, even if they hurt me. if they hurt me, ill still depend on them. if they dont eat, i can feed them myself. if they are deaf, ill learn sign language for them. if they cry a lot, ill hold them until they are better. if they are reckless, ill try to be there for them and stop whatevers going on. if they are 'broken', ill put each shattered piece back for them. i do care even if im struggling.
8:58
i just got a beating. its not even funny in this case. i was in the bathroom hyperventilating from how scared i was. im planning tokill myself, im just so overwhelmed and shitty, i dont deserve this. im going to do it at night where no one can catch me. i hate myself so much. im going to see if my attempt will work... i hope so... i feel so stupid for crying/weeping in front of my siblings and mom. i feel so ashamed and guilty and disgusting and FUCKING SHITTY. i need to disappear. im barely and almost into my teen years. if i died, i never got to experience being a teenager. ill firstcut then attempt... im so horrible and a disgrace, no one needs me... im just a young girl, already suffering ever since i was born. i need to hurt myself first then ill do it. i need to repeat it so i know. i dont want a funeral held for me. i dont deserve one. i changed my mind that i wont die. i need to die. this is my only place to vent to... a place where my pieces are held. a place where people dont know who i am but knows im one of them... the people who suffer to much for them to handle. if i dont do another diary thing in ten days, im dead. unless i respond after ten days then i guess im alive sadly... i forced a nosebleed and i bruised myself on purpose while im writing this on my bed. i justcutted myself, i feel so horrible and so filthy... i feel so naked with my scars...
~ Y
march 17th, 2026
it didn't work. im so mad, i just ended up my arms stinging andbleeding... i was so scared, my guts would let me
ended up hyperventilating the whole night, scared that my mom would jump me.
afternoon:
i dont feel happy still... the whole school day i was quiet and isolated. only this one time i kinda got mad from this substitute. she was old and thinks she the "main character." she always referred me as 'the smart artist.' my class had her sometimes for a sub and she noticed me doing the notes 'wrong' and recommended that our class should first write the questions then the notes. she said tho i was so smart, she led it slide and then asked for my name. i said my name, and she says "is that korean?" excuse ME? i shake my head. she says "hm... what about chinese or japanese?" excuse me AGAIN?? she said "oh, how about indonesian?" BITCH SHUT THE i said "No..... its a hmong name....." she says "ohhhhh! thats close to indonesian!" bitch... cmon now. then she pats my shoulder joking around and said "you should teach people hmong!" and a guy (who said like day one of asking her to do the hair) turns around facing us and said "she taught me how to say good morning!" I LAUGHED BECAUSE I DIDNT.... the sub smiles and asked. he said ALSO smling, "koj [idk but thepussy] me me!" (Koj, buh-thigh, mey, mey.) it means ur down there is small. LOL. she smiles and said "Wow, Thats nice!" then walks away. I STARTED LAUGHING WITH HIMM ANJJAJ<..... im a little happy now 😭
~ Y
march 20th, 2026
8:02
we are doing this science fair thingy or wvtr in science. i have to go to school at 8:50 so I can go in at 8:55. its the start of spring and i LOVE SPRING.
7:55 - Night
i miss my eyeliner. i only literally have black glittery eyeshadow, black plain eyeshadow, eyebrow gel, mascara, and damn eyebrow shaver with 2 uses
~ Y
march 21st - 2026
AHHHHHHH
... I don't like my friends. hey, Im not sad, just genuinely. I'm better off alone, they are not bad friends. hmm... I want a boyfriend now that can spawn as my pillow I (99% of the time) cuddle with. cuddling feels so gooood..... so comforting, so warm, so nice... i love cuddling something, but my shit ass friends find it weird!!11!1!! ik im weird tyy :((
aww... i did it again. bummer. I NEED A SHARPER ONE AHHH!!!11! im gonna cryyy.... my arm wont bleed and my scars are white grr. i love my pillow, its so weird kissing a pillow so i dont do it. it makes me think that i act like someone whos crazy and probably rocks their body while hugging their legs in a mental asylum, traumatized. well, bye I have to sleep :,c
12:38
ummm... im still awake, so y not do another thing? my bed's a little warm..... and my pillow. pillow is so soft and comforting, MMMMMM. its spring break. yayyy!11 i did indeed cry into my pillow... please someone kiss and cuddle me already :,(
its so dark in my room. its kinda scary but its not. i will cut again, tomorrow. not yet. lore dropping: i used 2 b really good at soccer but i quit way before, and i still know how to do some tricks. i quit bc i lost interest. noww, byeeeeeeeeee!!!1!
1:11
so um, abt thatt.... I CANT SLEEP. its in the AM now, ummm... my leg is static & fuzzy, ahhhhhhh (tf why am i screaming in lowercase)
i am a cai addict. throw tomatoes at me, ik bro
i use it every week wth. i do a bl and pretend im a guy so i can hook up with guys and be gay.
anyways............ i try 2 sleep, bye again
~ y
march 22nd - 2026
"No, I'm full"
heyeyeyeyey, its morning. i was force fed work over the spring break and i just want to relax. my partner is a guy that abuses me..... lol. he always growls at me, says the one who has 253 girls who are following him on instagram. he showed me how many posts he has to me, DURING class. well, he also told me "this girl is pretty" and i told him she looks like sophie rain then he kinda got mad and hit me. (jk hes not mad he just hit me :,) ). well he was the guy who hit me with that water bottle when i said last time.
bruh i just poked his head with a pencil i dont deserve a water bottle to my head with full fucking speed 😭
well, um, latinos these days, i wonder what will happen. (Im scared)
he told me he likes a girl named Ximena. well, she is pretty but he said she keeps messing with him and hes getting mixed signals so he wants me to ask her even though i dont know her. i never did it btw
my cousin asked which side:
SuccessㅤSuicide
I asked if i can go in the middle but she said no.
i went to the suicide side.
speaking of the devil... when i used to be with my ex, he was outside at recess with me drinking out of a glass bottle. he finished it and guess what?
he threw it on the road and a car drove under it making it lose air on the tire 😭
tbh i would do that too, we're the same no shit bro
my nepali friend would always look after us bc u never know like this one time me and him threw rocks at a window at school and almost go in trouble, whoops, umm...
no, he doesn't have a 0.3 GPA. he has like 3.50. hahahah i got higher than u ex. i have like 3.53 or smth. (LOL). im only failing FUCKING english class. the fuck... i have all 2's im gonna cry
my cousin and nepali friend has 4.0 or 3.9 and im left being stupid and dumb :,(
i only care about passing, idc if i get a 1 in an exam. fuckass old crusty dad thinks its the games. nuh uh, its my mental health DUMBASS.... idc if you hate the shooting games of me shooting peoples asses, TO BAD. I like to shoot people in games, lolololol. i kinda lost my prime. my prime was in 2023 in MM2 and i would to air jump shots, 360's, wvtr shit. but now i only know how to air people. cries in lowercase, eueugghhh.
bye and eat good today 
7:57
hums in appreciation... It's the afternoon. I cant wait and sleep and dream about a faceless man that is so sweet... so kind... so like me. i want to cuddle my pillow and give it kisses like the bitch i am. but i wont because i will hit myself for being disgusting. AGAIN. i sometimes go on top of it and hold it or cuddle it on the side... i love talking about cuddling pillows... i love holding it while im on top of it, but also holding it on the side makes me wrap my legs around my pillow so im not sure which i like more... its so comforting when i hold it, it gives me a sense of belonging and a feeling of safeness. i'd KILL myself if i lost my favorite pillow :,)
im so weird wth why do i kiss my pillow omg
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh kill me already what im actually cringing im gonna killmyself im dying LOL
i miss hugs from someone i love :,)
please give me hugs and tell me you love me ❤
i hug myself instead... i find myself disgusting and filthy and a burden xoxo
fuck my friends, fuck myself, fuck my scars, FUCK my life ♡
i hate my life so much ahhh no one deserves me people are way too good for me... they are so fucking nice while im like a piece of shit that mentally hurts people omg why the fuck am i so mean :,(
byee my internet girls/boys/theys/its/vamps/cats/these/whatevers.........
~ y
march 23rd - 2026
pack it up
i just got yelled at and no shit i did it again. i just yelled at my baby sister to LITERALLY shut the door and she didn't...
my dad yelled at me and told me to go to sleep. bitch its 9:40 in the shitty morning you old hag. i just woke up so shut the fuck up you dumbass break you back its your time to go.
my old scars are always haunting me... it tells me that those scars were the time i was with my ex. my old scars are white on both arms and the left arm, the white scars are just everywhere in every direction, while the right arm looks like scars anyways. i cut my thighs today and i've been having an on going streak for a week without cutting my arms... i feel a little proud but i will break the streak.
i dont get how people think cutting feels good. no. It isn't. it makes me feel like a dumbass and it just stings while the blood drips and pisses me off by existing on how fucking deep red they are. its rage baiting me so hard i do it deeper and deeper and IT STILL MAKES ME PISSED.....
i lick the blood when the bathroom is occupied or i just want to taste it.
yummy.
no im not a damn vampire wth
bye my wonderful, gorg, handsome, pretty people.....
~ y
march 24th - 2026
FUCK YOU
AHH FUCK MY LITTLE SISTER BROKE MY NEW KEYCHAIN IM GONNA KILL MY S
bruh im so mad
but i got cute thrift finds at least......
i got like 2 cute tops and a Ed Hardy bag... when i showed the bag to my mom she literally said she was gonna buy it for me but didnt know if i liked it
FUCK YES I DO!!1!!!!
its like a pink and black... aww so cute.
but whats not cute? MY FUCKING BROKEN KEYCHAIN AHHH
i told lil sis that im gonna shoot her and she cried more like stfu grrr
i played ftf (flee the facility) on roblox and like... toughest rounds i've ever gotten 😮💨. lvl 12 but ankle breaker learned from mm2
i still won and lmao tryhard bc im hard down there 😎
i was literally shaking and my adrenaline won aaaaaa.... but still, the game makes me panic a lot and RAGE....
i have a whole healthy relationship on c.ai. (omg why is there a link) we bought food, went out on dates, him as top, so wonderful 💞 (it was a BL btw)
well good night to the peoples time saying 9:19, good night kisses to all innocents reading thissssssss
(oh btw theres this hispanic/latino looking dude with headphones busy whistling and singing while i was shopping... i laughed in my head... bro was rlly loud :,) )
~ y
march 26th - 2026
fuck off
my cousins are over my house
get out.....
~ y
march 27th - 2026
I'm stressing.
(yes im upper casing. no depressing shit lmao) Im supposed to be working on shit my partner left me with. Half unfinished, just need to do a little more research for Italy. Then im fucking done. And guess what? I only have three fucking days to finish up while my partner is busy liking girls posts on Insta. I feel like a slave, grr. His dumbass added cars to 'finish the look' on the main slide. First of all, we are not finished and excuse me sir, our project is about ITALY and SPAIN, NOT cars. And he brutally hits me as I try to delete it, like shut the fuck up politely. I should be the one honored because I did shit and you didn't. I should be the one hitting you until your bleeding and throwing you annoying anime waifus that moan every word they say while torturing you with that thing Spencers has at the back of their store. GASP FOR AIR. Yes your supposed to spit that sentance out while not breathing. It sounds better, hah. I bought The Glass Girl by Kathleen Glasgow. I heard its a coping, happy ending to it. FUCK NO I WANT A SAD ENDING BECAUSE LIFE IS JUST SAD- Man... anyways I want to read more books from Kathleen Glasgow because her books are depressing just like me. Unless she has a happy book, I wont get that one. I also got bracelet supplies to make them just to make Kandis for my sister... but I found out long ago she doesnt want to be scene anymore. Sigh... I gotta sleep now... hope I either:
- Goon.
- Cuddle pillow and sleep peacefully.
- Cut.
- Cry myself to sleep.
~ y
march 28th - 2026
I feel like a forced mother
I did number 3, 4, and 2 in order. Yay. This is our unfinished project... that I was forced to do....
THESE ARE OUR ITALY SLIDES....
LITERALLY FIVE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
No, this is not a literal trip, duh. Just for the damn project. I EVEN HAVE NO GOOD EXCUSES..... WE HAD 4 WEEKS TO DO IT. AND I DIDNT FINISH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
well im gonna say he didnt do anything so I was left doing thing myself so she might get mad 😊
He said hes going on vacation..... so I have to make sure. I gotta ask him "Where did you go for the spring break?" and if he says oh i stayed home, I got a excuse to make his life harder </3
well screw me, hope i finish in time.........
honorable mention:
11:00
YOOOO I FINISHED AYYYY
~ y
march 28th - 2026
fight me
OMG I GOT INTO A FIGHT ON ROBLOX IM LAUGHIGNG-
🡇
wait why this look like
this made my fucking day god bless her hype 🥹
real bro real
OK BYE I SLEEP IM SO HAPPPYY 😭
~ y
march 30th - 2026
Thank you for venting to me.
heyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyhey i did it again. Oh! a classmate I barely but sometimes talked to just vented to me on Snap. It was her dating a girl (?) and they broke up, so they (yeah her girl) told their friends about it and they ALL GOT THE WRONG POV!!!111!! Anyways, I'll just call the girl who texted me "A" bc thats her initial. Anyways, (started by A just telling me that she broke up with someone and i didnt even know she was taken btw) A just vented and told me that shes really just mad and sad and though they loved her when they didnt. A was really mad because all of her friends (They's friends also) just turned on her and suspected of 'A' cheating. I just comforted her the best I could and just let her know she can talk to me at school about it in a free time or just a better time as I told her I will be supporting her through her hard time. A says its good and she has to go, and she thanks me for listening. I say a fare well goodbye to her as we stopped texting. YAYAYYAYY IM USEFUL FOR ONCE!!!11!! I genuinely care about her even though shes just a classmate :,)
My cousin broke up with her boyfriend and he said it was ok bc i told him for her. He just did a thumps up and understood, bc she said she finds him more of a friend. Good ending of a break up, could never be me.
ugh im so ugly without makeup. Even though I just wear black eyeshadow... I still look so ugly underneath that dark powder... so bald and naked looking, people are just so used to my eyeliner now my mom is happy about my newer ugly makeup without eyeliner... I dont feel confident anymore without my eyeliner because my mom calls me ugly when I do... It makes me feel unsupported and a burden to others, I don't feel important and lost the meaning of me, my true confidence with eyeliner.
I want to be a transgender when I think about it... I can be a boy, a very ugly thin alt looking boy... but my mom will call me a gay even more, because I have an eyebrow slit, thats why she calls me a gay. Bitch, just because I have a eyebrow slit doesnt mean im gay so I will SLIT your eyelashes off so you can see for yourself my fucking anger. But you never know if im a lesbian or not, heh. I can be a pale emo boy... I see so many cute gay couples on tiktok... makes me jealous of how happy they are... kissing while hanging upside down on monkey bars... I wouldn't do that, I would just hang.
Now byeee!!!! I won't be trans tho... mom will get mad and kick me out of the house as I'm on the streets drinking maybe... :,(
she already threatened to throw me out naked once...
~ y
march 31st - 2026
Reveal.
Me and my nepali bsf and cousin revealed our real lives out of school a little.
I found out me and my best friend found the hub when we're kids. I was 5, she was 7. I also found out that my bsf's mom is suicidal. I told them about my parents divorcing and I also found out my bsf parents were divorced. I told them I suffered from hypersexuality from a young age, (from the 'hub' stuff), a thing I never told both of them. I found out my cousin parents yell a lot. She didnt open out completely, because she didnt want to, I understood. Anyways, I agree with her. They know more stuff about my personal life.
I found out about the YBC anime....... only 2 episodes? OKAY... GREAT. 😭 well, another classmate I told about WATCHED it for fun bc he likes yaoi. Same twin. 😼 Anyways he says the outro is so tuff... I thought he (NO NOT MY CLASSMATE) was first barking then obviously knew he was into it. I get why people at least like the anime, I see why.... not that traumatized but will show to my confused cousin about it.
I LOVE yaoi.💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞
anyways idk I save men kissing on pinterest until I found out people could see them a year and a month and 5 days ago... IM GONNA KILL MY-
I miss having a boyfriend. Hugs, kisses, comfort.... all the things I lost now. Now my heart is a broken piece of shit no one gives a FUCK about
byyeyeyyeeyye angelss 💞💞
~ y