hello, all! i have a few things to address.
i'm the dipshit. /dipshit? it's me.
- i doooo apologize for the implications that "dipshit" may have on anyone featured here.
these are my friends.
- someone (like, me, for example), may think all featured here are better titled 'my loves'—some (everyone else), however, may feel that "my loves" is "dramatic" and "implies something romantic" and "not something to call your friends.", "like, seriously, stop. you're weird. this FEELS weird. stop.". or so i assume some may feel.
ORDER see images at the bottom of the page
Regulus —
Rodya —
Maya —
Bri —
Van —
Grayson —
Macey —
Maggie —
Innon —
Dear Regulus,
⠀⠀HI REGU
pretend i'm writing this right before i go to sleep (you'll be waiting 17 hours before you get a response).
if you must know (used exclusively because its a phrase i.. associate with you), i typed the rest of these on my PC. this is.. because i type better with a keyboard.
“the rest”, as yours is being typed in your dms. right now i’m looking at that video you sent me about that guy. finnick
i’m writing it here because this is what reminds me of you most. would you believe me if i said i can’t even pin down, like.. um.. when we became so close?
it’s to the extent that saying “so close”, i’m not even sure—i can’t really even… remember why we are.
i just remember everything we’ve talked about, i think. all of the late night chats and all of the … both the serious & the very non-serious discussions. i remember crying a few times… when exactly, i’m unsure. but you were there. that i’m sure of.
and it’s
you’re back, by the way. in your dms. i’m still finishing this before responding.
and it’s what i’m positive i’ll ALWAYS be sure of. that you’ll be here. um.. even if "here" is your dms.... well, maybe that's why they're so comfortable.
i hope you can say the same about me. i hope you have that bit of reassurance. i really, really will. 17 hours late? iiii. can’t comment.
i love you, and i'll be here.
i’ll get you some um. premium grade.. mice. does that help? am i forgiven?
the silence is reassuring. there are a frightening amount of alarming sounds that you remind me of.
Dear Rodya,
⠀⠀hi Rodya!!!
firstly, i need it be known i'm very happy you're... here, on this list, at all. not because i just made the choice to put you here, but because i feel like you might... want to be.
secondly, you're truly wonderful. i hope you know that. i aspire to appreciate things in the sense you do—to live my life so authentically. small talk or not, i feel honoured to chat with you anyway…
while one may be under the impression our .. umm .. anton & sashka days are "behind us"? they will always be on my mind. to .. in the least corny way .. see you understand and um. be. you know. to see you align with a personality and life i adore so much, in a different way than i ever "saw" it myself .. it's lovely.
so, thank you. it really does mean a lot to me, you know. thank you Rodya. i love you always!
NOTE all parties below are IRLS
Dear Maya,
⠀⠀HELLOOO MAYA
I LOVE OU!! HOLY FREAK I LOVEEE YOU. i love you. youa re in every single. like. every single iteration of my life includes you. in no world would i ever leave you. i hope you feel that—too. that i will NEVER BE LEAVING YOU!! and i hope you understand what i'd do for you, and how short the split-second that i'd need, to decide to drop everything for you, is. and i hope you know everyone around me knows that, too. that you're always my #1 and i'll always be there for you. please please please give sneakle sooo many kisses for me. so many. and prince i suppose. freaking cutie pies dude :(
Dear Bri,
⠀⠀HI BRI
many people i know (possibly people listed here, actually) are ones who agree on the idea and concept of supporting the whole, like, "we don't need to talk actively, we're still close!!" thing. i'm sure you're familiar. i hope you know that i trust no one more than you on that, and i've never really doubted that you trust me too. i have to. well... i have to wonder if you know just how everyone else in my life knows you. because its well. when they make jokes you'd like, they hear about it. when they mention a thing you like, they hear about it. when i think of you, they hear about it... you know? you're still forever on my list of friends. you'll never be left off because its "been a while". it doesn't matter if i don't know whats.. happening your life at all times. we'll play a roblox horror game sometime and the years of missed time will mean nothing,,, really. i hope you still feel that way about me—the way we established years ago, now. know that i still cry over you—my love for you, and know that i'm dead serious on visiting you when i can. i'm actively making my life better just to see you, really. nothing could ever happen to me—or god forbid, you—because we haven't hung out yet. it'll take a long time to cover all the lost time, right?
but i don't think you'll... particularly want to. there's just. so much i want to see with you? and be around you. it's been a long time, and it'll likely continue to be. i'll wait as long as it takes and never change how i feel for you. i'd still die for you the way 11 year old me would. i love you. please know that: you have me, always
Dear Van,
⠀⠀hey, Van
you, of anyone, would understand my dissonance the best. despite my reputation with words—positive and otherwise—i have a hard time with you. for the first time, after lots of thinking, i confessed to you that i think it'd all (generally), honestly, be easier if i was there with you. a few days, or maybe one, afterwards, there i was! there! with you. and you know what? it was easier.
you never gave up devotion
it's hard, when we both react the way we do when apart. i've never really been that way before. i've never? you know
i am too waiting for you, i'll always be your friend
like, needed to be close to someone. like that. before.
you know i love you still
i'm worried a lot, you know. i sometimes wonder if it's supposed to be like that. and? you know? i think it is. i think it is, mostly.
will i wait a lonely lifetime? if you want me to, i will
and whether anything is "supposed" to "be" like anything else, i just feel like i want to. i feel like i don'tt... have to. nothing i ever see about Abusive Manipulative Blah.. bla..hh.... relationships ever say that. so i don't know. i don't think i need to worry.
ask what you want, ask what you need
and, really, i only worry when you worry. and we're so good. i just think of you and you're. in my future, you know? not a guaranteed—you may recall me saying something like that about maya, earlier, if you read hers—but something to work and put effort and love and care into.
i'll tell you everything that i know
you, i mean. you're what i love putting my care and attention.. and time and love and stuff... into. i wonder if that means anything to you, or if you feel it, often. whether you do or not, it seems like you love returning the favour. a win-win, right?
i'm hoping that you won't ever leave
you're just. really lovable. you're so (for a reason i can not pinpoint) unbelievably hard to Not want to pour my entire life into. you're just too goated, dude... stop that.
'cause there's no where else i wanna go
you're kind, and thoughtful, and you try. you try harder than anyone i've met, Van. i hope you feel that in every occasional hug before you leave, and every far-too-aggressive wrist pull, and every linked-arm tugged in the right direction. i love you.
i guess i'd let you hit me with a sewing machine, also.
Dear Grayson,
⠀⠀Hi Grayson!!
i'm not sure that i can put enough emphasis on how much i do enjoy hanging out with you!!! like, many say that they 'don't wanna do anything' when they hangout, but you're so real and forward that it actually works and applies perfectly. you're an actual joy and very very fresh breath of air to be around. plus you're like ... just very kind, but know yourself, you know? that's such a good way to be, man. i'm really honoured to get to hang out with you, you know? like, i just. you're a busy guy. you know? so. yeah. ILY. i'm glad i get to hang out with you anddd. i'd like to honourably mention all the time we spent together at the con, which was SO fun. thanks for hanging out with me so much, then :)
Dear Macey,
⠀⠀HI MACEY
i have to wonder: do you understand the positive impact you have on everyone around you? whether you are the type to try hard for others or not, i don't think its possible that you could. i really do wish i'd started talking to you before i did. you're so sweet and baby and fully grown its unreal.
i do have to hope that you can tell how bad i do actually love you like. dearly and genuinely. i will continue to strive to actually take notes for the once a week you're sick and dying.
shout-out to your writing and art and facecard . talented and kind and beautiful (in like, all the ways?). wild :( i am jumping up and down and hugging you and tapping my pencil really aggressively against a word on a piece of paper and hesitantly touching your shoulder for less than 2 seconds . wait wait macey come here . i have a secret . highlight the underline to see it: plahh plahhh hhahhaha plahhhh
Dear Maggie,
⠀⠀Hello Maggie!!!!!!!
something something... um.. some day. some day SOON i will have a lot to go here. you're... likee.... surprisingly real. i am. real fucking excited to learn abt u. which i WILLLLL be doing like sooo good like u could legit quiz me like im so serious u could and one day i'll be acinggg that shit.
is that too? is that. is that like written in a silly enough tone? to not? actually get across what im saying? (one day i'll know a lot about you to the point u could quiz me?). this is what to-be-friends say right
i love your characters and your drive and your jokes and your strive you are so so so awesome . the surprise i feel every time i msg you and remember you actually don't want me to die is insane . you're TOO COOL and talented and beaut and goated . your little guys (those ones from that one cartoon for Kids and likely, in the future, those Podcast ones) enamour me . ILY
NOTE not an IRL, but this one is special i guess (it was actually just "this one is far too long" at first, but then i wrote way longer, and i still don't want to put it back up. it's cozy here.)
Dear Innon,
⠀⠀hi
do you remember when we met? i talked a lot more about grammar then. somehow, you, like, let me? i'm not too sure why. so i just did, like, all the time. somehow, (again), i'm shy now. maybe its because i know you care. do you remember when i talked about that? that the reason it was so easy to be friends with you was because i felt like i didn't owe you anything. i... still don't feel that way, like i owe you anything.
that day, when we were playing that question game, i knew—somehow—(again)—that i'd be here. i didn't question it at all. that's the first time that's ever happened to me. i remember thinking, for a split second or whatever, that like. well i really like you. i liked you. that i liked you. i liked listening and i was just reallly happy to be there. but i didnt feel like i owed anything. i've never been that happy before. to get to listen to someone—someone is spending time, talking to me—and not feel guilty.
that's never leaving me, i don't think. do you remember? i talk about how people, in my life or not, feel like they're here. because i think of them. and they're all unique. that's umm. well that's. you're extra special, know that. know that i'd never stalk you or something. it'd just feel like you were busy for a few days. on a cruise or ... something ..... .
i don't really feel the need to be super 'special' with my words here. i talk ... a lot to you, already. and that's all i need. do know i love you, though. as always.
thank you for remembering so much. i try, too. and, again, for the first time! i don't feel bad for forgetting sometimes. we're kissing rn btw
* note (innon, and others if you want to learn about me i guess) that this is how i actually type and would actually ideally word all of these, really, if i felt comfortable doing that. the only reason i'm not is because i would need to trust that it would still get across what i mean. in most cases, it would not. in? innon? i think. yes. it does. i think it gets across perfectly. it feels a bit jarring to have the first paragraph be so genuinely and authentically written (not just the content itself but in my style of typing, is what i'm referring to). this little spiel too. hiii innon hi
also, yours is the longest because i can type in the way that's most comfortable to me. words make me comfortable, but the more you use, the less the message seems to get across, i feel. so. let it be known that the word count doesn't translate to how much i care or.. love anyone here. it's about my comfort is all
Regulus
Rodya
Maya
Bri
Van
Grayson
Macey
Maggie
Innon
Blank,
- hello, blank.