Anon Boops a Snoot and Fucking Dies:

Things had been going just fine at your new post in the western mountains
At least until your commander got fired for gambling 2/3'ds of the garrison's budget in the town's bar
So the brass ordered an entirely new set of administrators to come in and "instill some discipline"
Typical, punish the grunts for the acts of the superiors... oh well
And to you and your comrades' collective dismay, your new commander was going to be the young upstart archmage from the capital
She was said to be extremely talented, but kind of a bitch
Once she arrived you realized with a small internal laugh that the whole bitch part was meant literally
Your laughter doesn't last long since you draw the short straw and are assigned to her personal guard for the day
You spend the better part of the day accompanying her in silence and acting as someone for her to yell at while instilling her unique brand of discipline into her new subordinates
Eventually as day creeps to night, you can't take it anymore
She's yelling down from a parapet to a number of the captains in the drill yard about lack of proper timetabling or some shit
Something inside you snaps and you silently walk up to her, catching her attention by muttering "Over here"
As she turns her head you boop her on her snout
It's like something inside her broke, she just freezes there for a solid 10 seconds in shock, completely motionless, as everyone in the yard below gasps in disbelief
Eventually a twitch from her left eye, a beautiful cerulean by the way, prompts you to remove your finger as her mind begins rebooting and she begins to mutter out:
"D-did you just - w-what in the - h-how dare...!"
You, for your part, refuse to elaborate further and leave
FAST

You're not really sure what came over you to make you do something as suicidal as boop an angry archmage on the head but you are CERTAINLY regretting it now
Because the archmage is in hot pursuit and she is fucking FURIOUS
Not only that, she's also damn quick
You can hear the rhythmic scritching of her canine hindpaws on the ground, as well as her howling bloody murder behind you, both disconcertingly close
"Miserable bloody APE! When I catch you I will BURN THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES AND MAKE THEM INTO A BROTH...!", you hear her voice echo from behind
The only reason you haven't been caught is because you know the outpost like the back of your hand, whereas she's been here for less than 12 hours
But she's still keeping pace, and losing her patience
You know this because she just started hurling fireballs at you and one missed you by less than a foot, instead hitting a tapestry at the end of the hall and bursting it into cinders in an instant
This continues for another 30 minutes until you are tackled by a bunch of your buddies
The archmage herself is tackled by the quartermaster, master Raven, who immediately begins cawing at her in his characteristic high pitched, panic filled drawl
"Archmage WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? A THIRD OF THE MESS IS ON FIRE! HOW ARE WE GOING TO BUILD THIS BACK AFTER THE BUDGET CUTS?! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY-", he ends off, wandering about in a stupor and allowing the archmage to get back on her paws
She looks like she just got out of a daze, her blue eyes scanning the courtyard, which has multiple active fires and a retinue of staff rushing to put them out, and looks about in genuine confusion
Then her eyes lock on to yours
And she starts... uncontrollably laughing?
Not in a villanous monologue way, rather it's like she just had the most fun she's ever had in her life. It's higher pitched and more feminine than you ever would have expected
It's... kind of cute actually
You decide to test your luck and reply, "Uh... so no hard feelings?"
Big mistake

Her eyes instantly go back to the ice queen glare and she closes the distance between you in the blink of an eye
She's just barely taller than you, and she pins you to the wall of the courtyard with one paw and points a claw to your neck with the other while leaning in so close you can feel her breath on your face while she talks
"Haha... ha... oh no. You? You are just as fucked now as you were a minute ago. All that's changed is that I need to think of a different way to dole out your punishment", she spits at you, removing her claws from you and holding one to her furry chin as if deep in thought
Her frigid blue eyes suddenly light up, as if she's thought of the most devious torture physically possible
She turns to you with a sadistic smile and says "I've got a few ideas now. To start, all of the damages incurred today are, of course, coming out of your pay"
WHAT? She's destroyed half of the outpost! You will literally NEVER be able to pay this off...!
"Quit your whining,", she interjects, "that just means you'll require a new position. You're going to be working as my new personal attendant from now on."
N-no... this can't be happening...
"Oh but it is! And I have an exciting idea for what your first task will be!"
The tone she said that in was very strange... like she was... hungry?
"Now, show me to my quarters!"

....

"And that kids, is how your mother and I met. As an aside, it's also why i'm just a bit scared of fire."

The youngest of your litter, the spitting image of her mother except for her eyes, with your shade of evergreen in it's place, innocently asks you: "But dad, the story isn't over yet!", she remarks, looking up with a quizzical expression. "What did she do to you?!‚Äč"

"Hmmm... when you're older, kiddo.", you finish with a wink as she deflates in dissapointment. "Now let's go start on getting the evening fire going before your mother gets home. So she doesn't try to light it herself again."

-FIN or whatever lmao-

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Pub: 29 Jun 2021 20:50 UTC
Views: 1379