by **fruiitlins** on tumblr
ok i think this is the one. the font. i just took fucking forever finding a nice one. google why do you do this to me.

THE BEGINNING
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i started learning about voice training yesterday, which was december third 2025. that date aside, i won't be any here. except maybe the last time i write? though there isn't often a "last time" i write.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i didn't get very far into the actual thing. i watched the first video. i'll link the reddit thread some time. it's really just the first thing that pops up when you search like. ftm voice training stuff.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i've always had a hard time getting into it, or even thinking about it. i don't have any healthcare at the moment, nor a family doctor or therapist or anything of the sort. i basically just get my vaccines. i've never had any hope of having something like a therapist. i spent all of my conscious adolescent years laying in bed imagining a world i had anyone to talk to.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀in my head, it starts like this. i tell them about how long i've been waiting. then i tell them i never thought it'd happen. it has been a genuinely unobtainable fantasy of mine for about seven years now.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀it's because of my mother that i cannot get a therapist. she has one herself, but she believes that i don't have any problems, and it would be a waste of money, for me. she...its a joke to her. an actual joke that she really laughs at. the idea that i'd have anything at all to tell a therapist.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀she, naturally, isn't very responsive to my transgenderness either. she is supportive of gay people, just not me. she is of the belief that i am a child, and will grow out of it, so who cares. she has told me that, if i ever change my name, "our relationship will be forever changed". my name is a big deal to her for basically no reason, um, she just thinks its her right to choose it.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀nonetheless. here i am! its been five years now, and i still go by the same name, and consider myself a boy. but i'm always so close--so very, truly close--to switching back to my deadname, and just living life as a girl. even though it is wrong, and not me at all, and just feels fucking awful. and i have, before. twice now i have personally told everyone in my life, after hours of thinking, that they should disregard i was ever named anything but my deadname. naturally, they were all like, "uh, are you sure?" and i was like, "yes!". and i was. i was extremely sure. i just am not strong enough.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i am not anywhere near strong enough to live my life hiding like that. not after i know what its like to be myself.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀so! here i am. i want to change. i want to appear to others how i appear to myself. my voice is a big factor there i think!

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i have a very wavering voice. i have a hard time whispering, or raising it, or keeping it sounding the same. i fluctuate always. this is something i want to work on. umm... i want to have my own voice. that doesn't change, basically. and i want to sound like a boy. okay? ok. ok. Okay. thanks.

by **fruiitlins** on tumblr
Header and Footer art is by fruiitlins on Tumblr, GIF art is by manuhamu everywhere

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Pub: 09 Aug 2021 07:58 UTC

Edit: 19 Dec 2025 14:13 UTC

Views: 1081