welcum to nico's journal
i'll write whatever i want to talk abt or what happens irl outside ponytown but dont expect updates everyday


09/09


i've already made my decision, i don't wanna be active in this social game anymore because i want a quiet life. i want to be the person i used to be like before. everybody i met in this game will drag me into the darkness. but i can't leave, i don't wanna disappear without a word. i have to force myself just to check and spend time with people that looks up to me, i know we can just talk in other platforms but i will never respond. i feel guilty when i dont talk to my friends. admittedly, im still stuck in the past. i still stay to the same spot where i belong for years straight, hoping that someone that gave light to my life will ever talk to me again. i know there's hope, i know they'll come back and say "Hello" again but, deep inside i know they won't. it hurts, it shatters me piece by piece. i started to think im not a good enough, ive lost trust to everybody and that's why im ranting here, i have no one to talk to because i feel like they'll just read and pretend that they understand what i feel or snitch on me to use this for advantage. that's why i cut ties with people im close with, i dont trust them anymore. i know it's weird to be this depressed over a pony game but this was my source of happiness, this helped me heal and let go of everything that happened in the past. everything just went downhill, i would often attempt to cut or even harm myself physically or think about just ending it right here. nobody knows that i cry each day because i hate to make it obvious that my will to live has faded away. however, i already did, ive mentioned it, you know it now. the cheerful smiles i show are fake, i did all of that to hide my true identity. i cant say im happy for someone or for something, it's all white lies. ive never truly felt happy except for a single person. no matter how much people will try to cheer on me, i would constantly just pretend im motivated by them. for countless of times, i would keep lying to people and the more i do it, the more guilty i feel. that proves im not a good person. in other cases, i would harass, stalk and bully people for satisfaction, but, in the end i would feel much more guilty about myself. i wanna be like those people who get so much attention and friends. i genuinely hate this so much, i feel like im just there. sometimes i just wanna disappear forever. im sorry for everything that i have caused. im sorry everybody. im sorry.

now that u have seen the real me, i congratulate you for seeing this.
thanks for having great patience to read this.
thanks.


9/10 :


i still haven't done my math assignments, but i finished my painting project for school, it doesn't make me proud but at least i got to experience how to paint. for some reason i kind of wanna continue to pursue my art hobby. should i come back? im in need of money right now. my father doesn't get enough salary for my family, my mother stays home. i think i should open commissions and start working.

im making a sona, her name's Iyesha! for some reason, she makes me feel a little better. basically Iyesha is the alternative version of Sumi (my other oc). i love my children hehe


9/11


i updated my ipad to ios 17, but it unfortunately met its demise. it no longer responds to any touch i deliver, not even a restart will help. i think i'll just leave it be there forever and buy a new one, a tablet? xiaomi 7 pad pro looks powerful but im too financially unstable, redmi pad pro works but it's weaker and it doesn't meet my expectations! help. im not falling for ios propaganda anymore. my brand new iphone lifted its screen randomly, my macbook's battery stopped working, and now my ipad is unresponsive. now the only device i have is my xiaomi phone! although, it's a decent phone but it works really well with light apps that don't need heavy duties, such as playing genshin (i quit because natlan was heating my phone)

i think im gonna start calling myself Iyesha, i love my new sona. she's basically me and i am her. uh i dont have much time to make her character design but maybe i'll base what she looks from how i dress up, don't know. all her experience will be doomed, interesting right?

im going to sleep! i feel tired today, goodnight everybody. 1:05am


09/13


hello, sorry for the late update but we currently dont have wifi connection for the meantime. there wont be any classes and electricity for tomorrow so i will be unable to update this page. anyways, im a little stressed because today's weather isn't good, im drenched in sweat cus of the heat, my head started to hurt much more often, we have a lot of long tests on friday, and other things for school.

my classmates started to see some patterns between me and my guy friend. admittedly i did like him for a short while because he was genuinely the guy i would go out with, he's really my type but i fumbled so bad i had to let it go. things never went good when we started to talk, his ex was bugging me too much for the rest of march until april. i cried so my chest would feel light, thankfully i am now almost a hundred percent healed.

i think im starting to like electronics. the process of experiencing how to solder was fun, it was a little harmful cus it burned my skin, especially when the lead wire started to get shorter. it was kind of frustrating because some of the the components were falling off from the solderable breadboard, they're small and hard to pick up or maybe i can't pick it up cus i dont have nails? anyways, it was an enjoyable task to do, i managed to pass it in time. we also did a LED project yesterday, it was difficult to arrange, i don't know how to accurately fix the wires. i thought it was easy but i was wrong.

i got home from school around 5 or 6 but i was locked outside the house and had to wait until 7 because i dont have the keys. my father was out drinking with his best buddies and i had to wait for my grandmother for help. sometimes, i would argue with my mother why she would marry a man that doesn't even care about his family. we're already financially unstable, i cant even buy some snacks for myself because i feel like im being a burden, i kept overthinking about this main problem that we're currently facing us. what if i just get a job to help my family?


9/14


i think i lied about having power outage. i forgot we still have this electricity generator in our house but we still dont have any connection to our wifi due to wiring problems. my data wasn't working or receiving any signals even though it's full bar so i had to wait for like 6 hours straight.

i played this game called epic conquest, i thought it was gon be like similar to soul knight or overworld legends but it was far from what ive expected. the concept is great but the graphics and the gameplay is very.. questionable. i like the characters tho so i might get into it

im currently temporarily living with my brother and younger cousins for a while because my father will be away. i havent studied for my long tests tomorrow, i have to read 5 fucking novels, theories and AP. our quarterly exam will take place in tuesday to wednesday, i pray i pass.


9/15


sorry for the late post! it's currently 23 37pm i was busy the whole morning taking long summative tests. good news: i passed all three of them! (SCI: 29/35, FIL: 40/45, AP: 23/30) i rode my guy friend's motorcycle with him on our way home and his ex saw me, yikes. to clear things up, i don't like him anymore, i was questioning my sexuality that time and i wanted to know how it feels to date a guy again!

i downloaded a ton of games to play because i thought i was going home, they just all ended up going straight to the bin with less than a minute of playtime recorded! excluding for those visual novels i read, ESP that lesbian vampires story, it made me go crazy.

i finished 2 short visual novels today, im currently reading i love your cruddy. im not gonna drop it.. i won't.


9/16


this is a day late update, nothing really happened much.

i only had to babysit two of my younger cousins: a pervert, and an otaku. it was a rough day but it lowkey made me feel better after spending time with them. we played jumpscaring each other, play fighs, roleplay and talk to c.ai kakashi. that's all we did. we also finally got our wifi connection back, our technician finally responded for god's loving fuck, i went home because i wanted to lay on my bed after days of sleeping on the floor on my grandma's house.

after a 15 minute drive to home. i was given a whole ass bulalo, i have never been this happy to see my favourite dish on the table bro. i ate and ate then went directly to the bathroom.

me and my friend meiji talked about beliefs. i told him i believe in god but i neither praise him nor follow his instructions. i mean, if you don't get what i mean is uhh. i fully think there is a creator but he doesn't care about anything what a human does to someone, he's eternal like god from the bible but he's just there, he doesn't intervene with our lives, he only created us for funsies or maybe out of boredom. interesting right? i don't believe in the bible anymore because of their weird verses. if i recall correctly, one bible verse says you should hit your child to discipline them out of love but according to exodus, hitting is bad. if god from the bible is all loving then why did he send a plague of locusts, started a flood that took a 100 or more days and destroyed two cities? he killed his people, that's not very professional of you god from bible


9/17


i dont think there's anything to talk about this day, it was plain and boring.

oh actually how about we talk how weird chronically online people are? especially to those who all think about sex. look, i know, im a horny teen too but god i cannot ever sexualize. yall r fucking weirdos it genuinely pisses me off. i watched a compilation of capuchin monkeys and the comments were all talking about the animal's nipples and the animal's privacy. boy that's all fucking natural, an animal doesn't give a single fuck if they are filmed with their exposed skin. it's not weird at all, yall are the one that makes it weird to look. well aside from monkeys.. for humans, seriously just shut the fuck up if you think showing the slightest skin means sexualizing . oh one example by the way, kids wearing normal shorts, "oh youre sexualizing kids, why aren't they covering their legs?" oh Jesus motherfucking christ man you're the pedo here, if you don't mention that it's weird then nothing's gon look weird.

if u feel targeted, friend or not, go get a dorco and cut that cartid.


9/18


seriously everythin that happened today jus sucks. it pmo a lot, especially when one of my former teachers "complimented" our hard work project. do you know how tiring it is to be creative without the use of references or any shit? also, tomorrow is our exam day, i'll die.

this thai girl jus followed me again like nothing happened. girl you fucking insulted me and jie's name, that's not even funny. when confronted, you excused yourself so you could get away. do you think i'll jus forgive you after all that? you made me uncomfortable with your shitty flirt jokes when i already told you that i don'tfeel okay when someone who's freshed out of elementary school does that to a 4th year highschooler. i don't need a single apology or a whole paragraph coming from you. i want peace for the love of bathala, go fuck yourself

i feel like my friends are jgnoring me, could it be somethin related here or ? i have no idea but meh i dont really care if you ask me. maybe im too stressed thats why im overthinking too much right now.

that's right, maybe i was. so sorry i still love yall so much


9/20


i didn't get to update this page because i was incredibly sick, my throat started to sore real bad anf i could barely walk

anyways, i passed two of my exams but we still haven't recorded our score at math and science. aw man. today's our last day, i didn't study much but oh well, God will do his work. (a deist)

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Pub: 23 Nov 2024 18:15 UTC

Edit: 20 Aug 2025 04:48 UTC

Views: 24